How to ease transition into care home

[maggot]

Having made the decision that mum will have to be cared for in a home (something that really does fill me with deep sorrow that I can't give her 24/7 care,) I am now worrying about how we help ease the transition.

She is completely against the idea that she needs any help and opposes the carers going into her house. She even became verbally abusive to carers and to the nurses in the cognitive therapy group she attends - rarely completes a full session as she becomes so agitated that I am asked to collect her.

Because of her feistiness, we have been advised by different people (including health professionals) that we will need to give her a settling-in period and not to visit until she settles into the home routine.

This seems really cruel!

Any thoughts or advice please? I really want to do the best for my mum. Don't even know how we are going to actually get her into the home in the first place!!!

 

[Beezed]

Dear Margaret,

I had to make the sad decision to put mum in a care home last year. The guilt was dreadful, however, having watched her deteriorate I know it was the right thing to do for her own good.

How your mum settles in, no one can tell. My mother accepted it well, others don't. No matter what, you have done the best you can and don't let the guilt monster bother you.

With best wishes,
Jeanne

 

[MGB]

My mum was much the same when she was at home. The first care home were very good with her though all she asked them was when can i go home. This week she has moved to nursing EMI home. We had t take her. She went with out a problem and 2 days in there she seems settled allready. I know the illness is worse now but I feel so good that she has settled so well. Hmmm she even hasnt hit anyone yet and that why she had to be moved.

 

[LynneR]

We are moving Mum, hopefully this week from residential to an EMI. The manager of the EMI said she would do the transfer as Mum gets abusive towards me. The manager also said that a period of two weeks with no visit from me might help her settle more quickly but I will see how it goes. She has not made friends with anyone in the residential home, probably because the other residents think she is a bit strange.
Six weeks ago when I was discussing with a SW how to get mum into a home he said that if I just took her and left her and she said she didn't want to be there the police would come knocking at my door!!! Just what I needed at that time! In the end though it was taken out of my hands as a deprivation of liberty order was put on her as she became a danger to herself and others and another SW took her to the home.

Good luck!

 

[pixy]

This is what I did

I told mum that we were taking her to a rest home to get her fitter (she gets very breathless) and that 'these nice ladies' are going to help you get fitter because we want you to live to be 100 (just had 90th birthday and has always said she will live to be 100). We had got her room ready the day before and my husband went ahead to be there when we arrived (She loves him and remembers him more than she does me). I only told her this on the way to the rest home - I couldn't find the bottle to tell her beforehand. When she realised she was there to stay she got very upset. I felt I should have done it better but if I had primed her for a week beforehand I believe she could have become depressed or would not have remembered or been able to understand the concept of it. On reflection I think, with her, she would only have the realisation of it when it actually happened. We had a marvellous woman there who used all her skills in getting mum to accept the situation (for the time being). It's so difficult to know what will and will not affect these poor sufferers of dementia.
Wish you well
Pixy

 

[BeckyJan]

Why not decide about visiting whilst she is there - the Home Manager and senior staff should advise you depending on how she settles. Please deal with that at the time and it is not cruel if you have to leave visiting for a week or two.

I can imagine the worry about getting your Mum there! Have you support from a SW or member of the Mental Health Team? Please ask them if they can take this on.

My husband went into a NH via an Assesment Unit - it was hard, but we told him it was for convalescence

 

[piedwarbler]

I know this is what is often recommended and I can only offer you what happened to me.

When my mum moved into her new care home the staff did not make any recommendation. They said I was free to visit whenever.

Initially I visited daily (I'm lucky, I live 4 miles away). I found that Mum had been asking if I was dead between visits as she thought there was a month between me coming rather than a day.

I just felt I wanted to see for myself how she was coping.

The I weaned her off and we are down to 3 visits a week.

Well, I say weaned her off. There were problems. She has called me up to 8 times a day to ask me to: take her to the loo, come and hug her, change the channel on the TV, dial a phone number for her.

The care home did say she was more settled the less I went, but as a carer you have to strike a balance that feels right for you.

You would have to have confidence that the home would care in the way you wanted not to visit for 2 weeks or a week at the start.

With the first home Mum went in, I could not visit daily as it was 150 miles away and I work full time, so I went every Saturday. I found she settled ok, but got very upset and wept when I left. She would be inconsolable. I found that very hard and often stayed till 9 pm which meant I didn't get home till gone midnight sometimes.

I suppose you have to do what feels right for you as a family. Good luck x

 

[Dibs]

Hi Margaret

My mum moved into her care home 3 months ago and has settled well. I originally told her that hubby and I were going away for a few days and I wanted her to be well looked after and have company. I was advised not to visit for the first week and I didn't but I phoned every day to see how she was. It gave mum the opportunity to settle into a new routine without any distractions and it worked well.
It is a very difficult decision to make for our loved ones but I knew deep down that the time was right to move mum and I can now spend quality time with mum without all the stress that was there before she moved.
I hope all goes well for you.
Take care Dibs (Deborah) x

 

[ella24]

Hiya

I wouldn't tell her at first that it is a permanent move. Start with 'till you are better', or for a few weeks, and gradually extend as/if she seems to comprehend more. We have also used 'the doctor says....' because my gran responds to s type of authority figure.

When you do visit, make the visits varying times and expect to have to leave after a short time if things arent going well. I have made 5 minute visits when gran got very angry with me, and on other days stayed longer. By going at differnt times and days, it removes the expectation that you will be back on x day/x time - sods law is that she will remember that and that is the day you cant make it. We always say we will back 'later in the week' - never a specific time or day.

If you are worried at first, the CH will not mind if you phone and check, and can give you guidance on whether to visit. We were advised that gran needed to make relationships with the carers and other residents, and by us being there it may stopp her forming the relationships. The CH manager said that they wanted gran to develop confidence to ask the CH staff, not us, if she needed help.

Other tips - remove things that indicate a short stay - suitcases, washbag etc, also any bags that can be packed into (you may find she tries to pack) - and dont take original photos or precious
ornaments in case they are damaged, scan and print and reframe them

Gran took some time to settle (a few months) but is now happy and thriving. We think that she probably would not have been alive by now if still at home, she is 18 months into her CH move - and 94.

ella

 

[Resigned]

My mother has been in a CH for 3 months now and has settled reasonably well in that she has no recollection of her own home at all and never asks about it.

We had to put her into the home after an emergency and we didn't tell her about it at all. Although she'd had respite in this home, she didn't remember it and didn't know it was a home. She's never asked what she's doing there.

I know that everyone is different and some are more aware than others of their surroundings but maybe your mother will not fully realise what is happening and that will make it easier for you. It's a horrible decision to have to make but there comes a time when we all have to accept that its the best thing to do, and that there is often no choice.

Hope it all goes ok for you and your mum.

R