My grandmother suffers from Alzheimer's/ Dementia and very sadly on Friday, her husband (my grandfather) died quite suddenly. We now as a family are struggling to care for my grandmother who keeps forgetting and asking where her husband is. We are therefore having to deliver the bad news over and over again. Does anyone know of any specific advice on how to help an alzheimer's sufferer cope with bereavement?
How do you deliver bad news to Alzheimer's sufferer?
- Thread starter katylouevans
- Start date
I am so sorry to read of your Grandfather's passing. Sending sincere condolences to you and your family.
More people will come on line and tell you their experience but you can ring up the Alzheimer's Helpline.
Best wishes
Christine
More people will come on line and tell you their experience but you can ring up the Alzheimer's Helpline.
Best wishes
Christine
Hi
So sorry to hear about the loss of your grandad. My situation was slightly different, as my mum died 20 years before dad developed dementia. He would ask where mum was as he had forgotten that she had died. Only once did I tell him that she had died and it caused so much upset because he thought that I was lying and just being horrible. After that when he asked for mum, I would always say "she's just popped out" or "having a coffee with her friend". That way, dad did not get upset and he soon forgot he'd asked the question in the first place. Not nice having to lie, but I think when dealing with dementia it can sometimes be the kindest thing to do.
Oh forgot to mention, welcome to TP.
Love Carina x
So sorry to hear about the loss of your grandad. My situation was slightly different, as my mum died 20 years before dad developed dementia. He would ask where mum was as he had forgotten that she had died. Only once did I tell him that she had died and it caused so much upset because he thought that I was lying and just being horrible. After that when he asked for mum, I would always say "she's just popped out" or "having a coffee with her friend". That way, dad did not get upset and he soon forgot he'd asked the question in the first place. Not nice having to lie, but I think when dealing with dementia it can sometimes be the kindest thing to do.
Oh forgot to mention, welcome to TP.
Love Carina x
Hi Katylou,
Welcome to TP.
I too had to learn very quickly to lie to my mother about where my grandmother was. My grandmother died in 1970 so when my mother asked me where Grandmother was in 2001, I was thrown for a loop. I told her the truth once or twice but that brought on floods of tears so I would say "She's fine, she's in St. Hubert right now" which wasn't a lie because that's where my grandparents are buried.
I feel it is much kinder to go with little white lies. I think the truth in these cases is unnecessarily cruel.
Welcome to TP.
I too had to learn very quickly to lie to my mother about where my grandmother was. My grandmother died in 1970 so when my mother asked me where Grandmother was in 2001, I was thrown for a loop. I told her the truth once or twice but that brought on floods of tears so I would say "She's fine, she's in St. Hubert right now" which wasn't a lie because that's where my grandparents are buried.
I feel it is much kinder to go with little white lies. I think the truth in these cases is unnecessarily cruel.
Hi Katulou
My mum was slightly different in that she had forgot about her husband who she married after the pre 1940 period she remembered… if you understand.
Mum was always asking when her dad would be coming home and so I would always say he was working late, or was away fishing. The “job” was to keep mum happy and not to make her remember that dad had died in 1950. I just had to forget all the times she had told me not to lie.
Best wishes
Clive
My mum was slightly different in that she had forgot about her husband who she married after the pre 1940 period she remembered… if you understand.
Mum was always asking when her dad would be coming home and so I would always say he was working late, or was away fishing. The “job” was to keep mum happy and not to make her remember that dad had died in 1950. I just had to forget all the times she had told me not to lie.
Best wishes
Clive
My Dad unfortunately died whilst my Mum was in a care home. Whenever she does ask where he is we always just tell her he is upstairs having a sleep.
In my Mum's case we couldn't possibly tell her the truth and even if we did I'm not too sure she would understand.
In my Mum's case we couldn't possibly tell her the truth and even if we did I'm not too sure she would understand.
Hi Clive
This is one thing I find so hard to deal with. If I have to "lie", I find myself mumbling because it's so difficult to do that.
Christine
My advice would be not to say anything. From what you say your grandmother no longer has the capacity to comprehend the death of your grandfather and even if by some miracle she did understand, she would forget it almost right away.
You would then face the prospect of having to put her through the sudden shock of bereavement over and over again because to her every time would be the first time to hear the news.
Once this is over she would most likely just start to ask where he was all over again.
It is probably best to find some non-committal response that satisfies her (she will not remember this either).
As others have said, you will need to overcome the natural tendancy to want to be truthful - we all want to be honest with those we love but in these cases it can do no good, indeed it can be positively harmful. You may feel guilty because you think you are just making your own life easier, but this is not so. You are simply sparing your grandmother pointless distress. It will not do anyone the slightest bit of good to put her through this.
Purely from a personal point of view I would not take her to the funeral. One of the main functions of a funeral is to achieve closure as part of the grieving process, your grandmother is no longer capable of this.
Other members of the family may not approve, which just means they have no idea of the realities of dementia. Ignore them.
You would then face the prospect of having to put her through the sudden shock of bereavement over and over again because to her every time would be the first time to hear the news.
Once this is over she would most likely just start to ask where he was all over again.
It is probably best to find some non-committal response that satisfies her (she will not remember this either).
As others have said, you will need to overcome the natural tendancy to want to be truthful - we all want to be honest with those we love but in these cases it can do no good, indeed it can be positively harmful. You may feel guilty because you think you are just making your own life easier, but this is not so. You are simply sparing your grandmother pointless distress. It will not do anyone the slightest bit of good to put her through this.
Purely from a personal point of view I would not take her to the funeral. One of the main functions of a funeral is to achieve closure as part of the grieving process, your grandmother is no longer capable of this.
Other members of the family may not approve, which just means they have no idea of the realities of dementia. Ignore them.
Hi Katylou, condolences on the death of you Grandfather.
I agree with others on the white lie it is very hard to start with but it will save your Grandmother from the upset of being told your husband is dead.
Best wishes to you and your famiy.
And finally welcome to TP XXX
I agree with others on the white lie it is very hard to start with but it will save your Grandmother from the upset of being told your husband is dead.
Best wishes to you and your famiy.
And finally welcome to TP XXX
Gosh, this problem again. Everytime I read about this.. I hold my breath and hope someone will offer a miracle answer... had same thing with my Mum this year - forgetting Dad had died and getting upset/ angry when her question 'where is he' is answered with the harsh truth. (And sometimes there's a fearful/ vaguely recollecting version: 'he hasn't died has he?') Neither reaction is nice to deal with for a grieving family, so I feel for you. In my experience it has eased off over time ... and I quickly adopted the approach recommended by others of 'no haven't seen him today', or change of subject and general fob off. Hard to deliver but effective.
Re whether or not to take your grandmother to the funeral - very difficult one. I dreaded how my Mum would react and did get a mild sedative prescribed (can't remember name) to calm her. I held her hand throughout the service, then allocated a family member to sit with her afterwards to one side while I dealt with all the condolences. But I did take her - cos she was my Dad's life-long partner and once the opportunity to send him off has passed.. and so many people gathered in support... you can't re-run it. Do you know... she was a little tearful, then subdued/ puzzled and I don't really know how but we all got through it and it felt right that Mum was there. I think perhaps she forgot almost immediately why we were all there so it didn't hurt as you'd expect. No guarantees though.
Bless your Grandma, and you all, and condolences from me.
Re whether or not to take your grandmother to the funeral - very difficult one. I dreaded how my Mum would react and did get a mild sedative prescribed (can't remember name) to calm her. I held her hand throughout the service, then allocated a family member to sit with her afterwards to one side while I dealt with all the condolences. But I did take her - cos she was my Dad's life-long partner and once the opportunity to send him off has passed.. and so many people gathered in support... you can't re-run it. Do you know... she was a little tearful, then subdued/ puzzled and I don't really know how but we all got through it and it felt right that Mum was there. I think perhaps she forgot almost immediately why we were all there so it didn't hurt as you'd expect. No guarantees though.
Bless your Grandma, and you all, and condolences from me.
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KatyLou, is your Grandmother being cared for by the family at home? If you follow the 'white lies' formula (which IS the kindest, I think) you will have to make sure you all say the same thing.
Sympathies & best wishes
