My mother has been suffering from Alzheimer's for about 10 years. My father is 78 and a full time carer and is doing an amazing job. As expected mum is changing all the time and we do our best to keep her life as good as possible. She still dresses herself and uses the bathroom, but recently we have realised she has started trying to avoid showering, changing her clothes and has also started using the hand towel as toilet paper. I know with all the problems everyone else has this must seem trivial, but we just don't know how to deal with this without making her become agitated and aggressive. I live over 100 miles away but try to do as much as possible and have always had a strong relationship with mum, but she has now started to be aggressive with me, saying I am treating her like a 5 year old, so I know I am doing it all wrong. Any advice would really be welcomed.
New behaviour
- Thread starter crystaline
- Start date
Crystaline, I understand completely what you're going through, as I am going through something similar right now. Your mother sounds like mine, with the avoiding showering, not changing clothes and inappropriate toilet behaviour. I've come here looking for advice myself, and found everyone to be wonderfully supportive and knowledgeable. If you read through the threads, you will find that you're not alone.
And with the support I've received, I couldn't just read and run without leaving you a message. Everyone here will understand what you're going through, and a good many of them will have good, sound advice for you as well.
And with the support I've received, I couldn't just read and run without leaving you a message. Everyone here will understand what you're going through, and a good many of them will have good, sound advice for you as well.
Hi Crystaline,
You say you must be doing it all wrong, but I'm not convinced there is a right way. Much of it is process of elimination and trying different methods until you get it as right as you are going to. My mum was the youngest of 7 children and had always been as cossetted and pampered as it was possible for her to be back in the 30s in a very poor family. So when we "babied" her she actually quite enjoyed it. Also laughing with her about things, not at her, but with her.
Would it be possible to get the District Nurse to visit her and give her some pointers on hygiene? She may take it better from a stranger.
Maybe if you removed the towels she would use the paper?
My mum was so whiffy some days it made my eyes water but once we had carers in and they showed us how to bed bath mum she stopped ponging. Then of course we felt guilty for not having managed to keep her as clean as a whistle without help!
Good luck
Von xx
You say you must be doing it all wrong, but I'm not convinced there is a right way. Much of it is process of elimination and trying different methods until you get it as right as you are going to. My mum was the youngest of 7 children and had always been as cossetted and pampered as it was possible for her to be back in the 30s in a very poor family. So when we "babied" her she actually quite enjoyed it. Also laughing with her about things, not at her, but with her.
Would it be possible to get the District Nurse to visit her and give her some pointers on hygiene? She may take it better from a stranger.
Maybe if you removed the towels she would use the paper?
My mum was so whiffy some days it made my eyes water but once we had carers in and they showed us how to bed bath mum she stopped ponging. Then of course we felt guilty for not having managed to keep her as clean as a whistle without help!
Good luck
Von xx
sounds very similar to my circumstances
Hi Crystaline,
I am newly registered to Talking Point since last week although I have been reading postings for quite some time. This is actually the first time i have posted a response - I felt compelled to do so because your message struck a chord with me. My mother has been exhibiting the kinds of behaviour you describe for quite some time now, in particular, using the hand towel when going to the toilet (she has needed help dressing for quite some time now sadly).
My father is 77 and sole carer, with me as an only child who lives and works over 100 miles away. He does a great job in many ways, although there are certain areas where I think there might be a few problems (he has a tendency to be mollycoddling at times).
I totally understand how difficult and distressing this is, especially when if first starts to happen. Reading some of the stories of other people on the forum I can understand how it is you think it sounds trivial, but I am sure that nothing that happens a result of AD is trivial for those experiencing it. I certainly empathise. I am sure there will be useful advise on the threads, although I have yet to find something about this particular problem.
Regards,
Hugh
Hi Crystaline,
I am newly registered to Talking Point since last week although I have been reading postings for quite some time. This is actually the first time i have posted a response - I felt compelled to do so because your message struck a chord with me. My mother has been exhibiting the kinds of behaviour you describe for quite some time now, in particular, using the hand towel when going to the toilet (she has needed help dressing for quite some time now sadly).
My father is 77 and sole carer, with me as an only child who lives and works over 100 miles away. He does a great job in many ways, although there are certain areas where I think there might be a few problems (he has a tendency to be mollycoddling at times).
I totally understand how difficult and distressing this is, especially when if first starts to happen. Reading some of the stories of other people on the forum I can understand how it is you think it sounds trivial, but I am sure that nothing that happens a result of AD is trivial for those experiencing it. I certainly empathise. I am sure there will be useful advise on the threads, although I have yet to find something about this particular problem.
Regards,
Hugh
Hi Crystalline,
My Mum also had problems knowing what to do. She would use toilet paper and then take it to the bin in the kitchen. Or leave it on the bathroom floor. Whatever I said she just looked blank. She asked what was she supposed to do with it, but just didn't understand about putting it down the loo. She forgot all about flushing as well, so the place stank. She is in a care home now and is continuing to have "toiletting" problems. But at least I don't have to deal with them any more and the staff say it's nothing they haven't seen before.
Best wishes,
Carolyn
My Mum also had problems knowing what to do. She would use toilet paper and then take it to the bin in the kitchen. Or leave it on the bathroom floor. Whatever I said she just looked blank. She asked what was she supposed to do with it, but just didn't understand about putting it down the loo. She forgot all about flushing as well, so the place stank. She is in a care home now and is continuing to have "toiletting" problems. But at least I don't have to deal with them any more and the staff say it's nothing they haven't seen before.
Best wishes,
Carolyn
I am not dismissing anyone's worries about cleanliness, but I wonder how much of it is due to our modern day way of living, with a daily bath or shower, a clean change of underwear, and how it might contrast with life 50 years ago with perhaps no running water (certainly not hot), a toilet in the back yard that may or may not have been flushable (ours wasn't), and brown paper to wipe your bum, but woe betide you if you used more than two pieces.I remember at primary school in the early 1960s, if you wanted the toilet to do a poo, you had to request two pieces of Izal toilet paper. If you wanted a wee, there was none. My mum couldn't cope with washing 7 pairs of knickers a week, so I wore the same pair for about 3 days in a row. I didn't die as a result, nor suffer any illness. I may have ponged, I don't know, but everyone else was the same. It didn't bother anyone.
Perhaps we should no worry so much about our parents cleanliness. Within reason of course.
My mum went to the hairdresser for a wash and set every fortnight. In the meatime her hair was unwashed and witout any style. It didn't do her any harm.
Perhaps we should no worry so much about our parents cleanliness. Within reason of course.
My mum went to the hairdresser for a wash and set every fortnight. In the meatime her hair was unwashed and witout any style. It didn't do her any harm.
cleanliness etc
I accept and appreciate all the points made here. I realise there are often more pressing concerns to be dealt with by carers. I don't think the problem is so much the fact of the difficulty experienced so much as its emotional impact of realising that a loved one is losing their autonomy and independence. This clearly goes way beyond the issue of toilet difficulties, and can involve any number of behaviour changes - part and parcel of the disease it would seem to me.
That said - can anyone advise on a practical matter related to this issue? My birthday is 2 days after Christmas (when I always go back and visit) and my father usually cooks, so to give everybody a change of scene and give him respite I thought of gong to a pub/restaurant for a meal. However, I wonder if anybody knows from experience what the practical implications might be re: the toilet situation? I am just concerned that I don't want for my mother to end up in a predicament or feeling awkward/anxious in such a situation, if me and my father are not really in a realistic position to help out (we haven't been out for a meal together for some years now). I realise this now may just be unfeasible/impractical, but any advise would still be appreciated.
I accept and appreciate all the points made here. I realise there are often more pressing concerns to be dealt with by carers. I don't think the problem is so much the fact of the difficulty experienced so much as its emotional impact of realising that a loved one is losing their autonomy and independence. This clearly goes way beyond the issue of toilet difficulties, and can involve any number of behaviour changes - part and parcel of the disease it would seem to me.
That said - can anyone advise on a practical matter related to this issue? My birthday is 2 days after Christmas (when I always go back and visit) and my father usually cooks, so to give everybody a change of scene and give him respite I thought of gong to a pub/restaurant for a meal. However, I wonder if anybody knows from experience what the practical implications might be re: the toilet situation? I am just concerned that I don't want for my mother to end up in a predicament or feeling awkward/anxious in such a situation, if me and my father are not really in a realistic position to help out (we haven't been out for a meal together for some years now). I realise this now may just be unfeasible/impractical, but any advise would still be appreciated.
thank you Sylvia - your advise is much appreciated. I will look into where has disabled facilities.
loo paper
i have the same problam,my husband dont know where 2 put loo paper i find it any where but not in the loo,some times he knows and can flush but not all the time i just go in after him 2 cheek all i can do
:
i have the same problam,my husband dont know where 2 put loo paper i find it any where but not in the loo,some times he knows and can flush but not all the time i just go in after him 2 cheek all i can do
:Hi Crystaline
I'm new on here and my Mum is almost the same - but her toilet habits are reasonalble - but she has forgotten about the Flush!
Regarding clothes, I regularly go into her room when she has nipped into the bathroom and grab her clothes to be washed !
Regarding washign / showering, I have found that if I have a bath (very unusual these days with showers around) I can say - The water is still hot - do you want to ahve a bath to save water ?
And that seems to trigger something! I just make sure I don't make the water too mucky lol.
My Mum also thinks I am treating her like a child and gets agressive. So far I have been sneaky - which I don't like doing and telling white lies - which makes me feel uncomfortable.
BUT ..... if it keeps the peace and no harm comes from it ....... ??
My Mum lives with me so I can do these things - maybe your Dad can get to be a bit sneaky sometimes ?
The worst thing I have found it to tell Mum what to do or tell her off for something - like drying up with the dishcloth - she HATED me for that ! Stormed upstairs and slammed the door.
But all was forgotten the next morning
I have also tried to suggest improvements in her personal hygene and she doesn't react well to that neither!
I have only just come on here and within only a few posts, I am aware of many people in the same / similar positions and they have found different ways of coping / managing.
Take Care and keep positive (note to self .... Keep Positive lol)
I'm new on here and my Mum is almost the same - but her toilet habits are reasonalble - but she has forgotten about the Flush!
Regarding clothes, I regularly go into her room when she has nipped into the bathroom and grab her clothes to be washed !
Regarding washign / showering, I have found that if I have a bath (very unusual these days with showers around) I can say - The water is still hot - do you want to ahve a bath to save water ?
And that seems to trigger something! I just make sure I don't make the water too mucky lol.
My Mum also thinks I am treating her like a child and gets agressive. So far I have been sneaky - which I don't like doing and telling white lies - which makes me feel uncomfortable.
BUT ..... if it keeps the peace and no harm comes from it ....... ??
My Mum lives with me so I can do these things - maybe your Dad can get to be a bit sneaky sometimes ?
The worst thing I have found it to tell Mum what to do or tell her off for something - like drying up with the dishcloth - she HATED me for that ! Stormed upstairs and slammed the door.
But all was forgotten the next morning
I have also tried to suggest improvements in her personal hygene and she doesn't react well to that neither!
I have only just come on here and within only a few posts, I am aware of many people in the same / similar positions and they have found different ways of coping / managing.
Take Care and keep positive (note to self .... Keep Positive lol)
All this does remind me of looking after mum. With women its far more important for good hygiene far more succestable to UTIs than men.
Towards the end before she went into care, would follow mum after the toilet, and get her to do her hair in the mirror. I'd have prepared several cloths, one soaped, couple damp and one dry. Could pull her pants down while she kept skirt on from behind. Seems obvious but hard when doing it to someone else but wipe front to back. It was almost like a F1 team doing a pit stop - I got so quick at it.
Basically was so quick, she didn't have time to complain too much, didn't get her undressed in front of me.
Before she got to teh stage I could do this. I would make sure toilet had damp clothes which she would use to clean herself with. Danger is if she tried to flush them!! I would continually monitor cloths and change v.regualrily.
See what she is using now - ie towels so she knows she has to clean but she is using wrong equipment. So try and replace with something that will do better job. There are wet toilet wipes that can be flushed (packet fiddley though)
Try the - look new clothes pls try them on to see if they fit - or going to church/dance/social occasion and get the dirty ones washed.
Like the idea of had bath mum - why don't you have one as well. You gotta think about ways to prompt washing. "You need a wash" never works.
Did try deliberately spilling something on mum but that didn't work.
She enjoyed footbaths in front of fire, and for smelly clothes - fabreeze them from behind.
Towards the end before she went into care, would follow mum after the toilet, and get her to do her hair in the mirror. I'd have prepared several cloths, one soaped, couple damp and one dry. Could pull her pants down while she kept skirt on from behind. Seems obvious but hard when doing it to someone else but wipe front to back. It was almost like a F1 team doing a pit stop - I got so quick at it.
Basically was so quick, she didn't have time to complain too much, didn't get her undressed in front of me.
Before she got to teh stage I could do this. I would make sure toilet had damp clothes which she would use to clean herself with. Danger is if she tried to flush them!! I would continually monitor cloths and change v.regualrily.
See what she is using now - ie towels so she knows she has to clean but she is using wrong equipment. So try and replace with something that will do better job. There are wet toilet wipes that can be flushed (packet fiddley though)
Try the - look new clothes pls try them on to see if they fit - or going to church/dance/social occasion and get the dirty ones washed.
Like the idea of had bath mum - why don't you have one as well. You gotta think about ways to prompt washing. "You need a wash" never works.
Did try deliberately spilling something on mum but that didn't work.
She enjoyed footbaths in front of fire, and for smelly clothes - fabreeze them from behind.
So helpful
I really appreciate the advice I have been given since posting my problem. I do agree with the telling white lies, but I think this is the thing my dad and I have found most difficult. Mainly because mum has been suffering for 10 years and we have been trying to keep things as normal and as honest as possible in a desperate attempt to slow the deterioration (I know deep down we are kidding ourselves) but more and more recently I think the white lies reduce anxiety in mum and this has got to be the right thing for her.
The toilet issues and cleanliness I know are not the biggest issue in the world, but seeing my mum deteriorate in this way, a woman so proud and attractive makes it so hard to deal with, but the comments I have read and the practical and good humored way people are dealing with this and much worst has really helped
I really appreciate the advice I have been given since posting my problem. I do agree with the telling white lies, but I think this is the thing my dad and I have found most difficult. Mainly because mum has been suffering for 10 years and we have been trying to keep things as normal and as honest as possible in a desperate attempt to slow the deterioration (I know deep down we are kidding ourselves) but more and more recently I think the white lies reduce anxiety in mum and this has got to be the right thing for her.
The toilet issues and cleanliness I know are not the biggest issue in the world, but seeing my mum deteriorate in this way, a woman so proud and attractive makes it so hard to deal with, but the comments I have read and the practical and good humored way people are dealing with this and much worst has really helped
Hello, just wanted to weigh in... poor hygiene in your once proud and presentable parent is depressing and it's a reminder of decline. So don't apologise and think it's trivial, it's hard to go through it. All advice here good and worth a try. On an encouraging note, my Mum now in a CH is very fragrant again.. they obviously impose a regular routine and whisk away dirty clothes daily. Haven't seen her in 3 pairs of knickers for ages. However blocked toilets and soiled pants in odd places is still a factor and public toilets can be embarrassing as 'door' and 'shut it'... don't seem to go together. Good luck and hang on in there.
Margret, I do so agree with you
Hello Margret.
Quote from Rons doctor.
A good clean once a week is enough.
It is me that is obsessed with Ron being clean.
Will it reflect on me, will I be to blame if he smells ??
We had a tin bath once a week. In front of the fire in the back kitchen. It took mum all evening to boil the water in buckets.
Me, my sister and brother shared the same water. And, when finished, mum got in.
We had newspaper to wipe our bums on. I remember grannie cutting it up and putting a string through it to hang on the nail in the toilet.
We are obsessed with being clean.
As gran use to say, a peck of dirt hurt no one
Barb X
Hello Margret.
Quote from Rons doctor.
A good clean once a week is enough.
It is me that is obsessed with Ron being clean.
Will it reflect on me, will I be to blame if he smells ??
We had a tin bath once a week. In front of the fire in the back kitchen. It took mum all evening to boil the water in buckets.
Me, my sister and brother shared the same water. And, when finished, mum got in.
We had newspaper to wipe our bums on. I remember grannie cutting it up and putting a string through it to hang on the nail in the toilet.
We are obsessed with being clean.
As gran use to say, a peck of dirt hurt no one
Barb X
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I have come to this conclusion with my wife and have cut down on the frequency of bathing & dressing. She sits around in her night things & is quite happy. As children we only had one bath a week & survived. The silly thing is that after the battle to get her to have a bath she always says how lovely it was & how good she feels. As you can guess, she never remembers this for the next bath so once again I have a struggle to persuade her to have it
