Hi

[jfb]

This is my first message as before today I have just spent time reading your threads. Feel it's time to say hello.
My story is not unusual: my mother was diagnosed in October and has been on Galantamine since March. I have done all the arranging as my dad died 6 years ago and my brother lives a long way from us. I work full time and have a family.
Mum has a carer once a day to supervise medication. She does nothing all day and hasn't been out alone since the diagnosis. She is convinced she isn't in her own home and has no idea what day it is. It's like having another child, but unfortunately not one I love. We have never had a good relationship and it's now full of confusion and guilt. I loved my dad and wish he was here and mum wasn't, which I know is terrible.
I have recently 'cracked' and because of my own physical and emotional health problems I have been off work for a little while. I am waiting for hospital appointment so have had to fill mum's freezer and hope the care system I have worked so hard to put into place, works.
It's so hard spending my time weeping and relying on my husband for so much support when it's me who wants to be the supporter. I am so tired and low.

 

[Eljay]

Hi - I'm new too - have a big hug from me - I don't know what else to say - but as you said your story or mine is not unusual - it's a very strange place to be isn't it and very few people out and about seem to understand - or seem to want to know. I'm glad that your husband is supportive and talking is good - especially on this site because people listen and understand.
Best wishes for your recovery
Eljay

 

[TinaT]

You are allowed to be a carer and at times need caring for yourself!! We can't be superwoman/superman for ever and sometimes the price we pay takes its toll on us. Being a carer of a dementia sufferer is an exhausting roller coaster and at times, we all need to recharge our batteries. Have a good rest and give that lovely husband a big hug - he's a rare catch!

xxTinaT

 

[Helen33]

Hello jfb

That was a big step from viewing to posting and I hope that by doing this it will help you find the help and support that you need You are one of the kinds of people that I admire. I always think it is easier caring for someone where there is a definite feeling of love (I feel like anyone can do that - although I don't want to imply that it is easy). I am doing that. It is so much harder caring for someone where that feeling isn't there but there are other, harder feelings to contend with.

It does sound like this is very triggering for you though jfb in that you are collapsing under the weight of what it all means to you.

I loved my dad and wish he was here and mum wasn't, which I know is terrible.

What is terrible is that you feel this for a reason/reasons and I was wondering what you felt about finding someone to talk to in order to get the help you might need in coping with the situation you now find yourself in? I remember getting in touch with the Carers Federation (Princess Royal Trust) and discovered that they had quite a lot to offer to people who were carers. I understand that they can offer counselling also but I don't know whether this varies from area to area.

In the meantime try to use Talking Point to your best advantage. You are not a bad person because you have to cope with difficult feelings - it is not your fault

Sending love and best wishes

 

[Amber 5]

Hi and welcome to TP,
Sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds like you have been doing everything you possibly could to help your mum. But it changes your life and this takes some coming to terms with. I had a very bad week last week and felt ready to 'crack', so I can relate to what you mention.

Somehow, talking on TP seems to help quite a lot. You will see lots of people going through similar experiences or who have been in the past. Talking to people who really understand and can maybe answer some of your questions will be of great support and comfort.

You have to look after yourself too for you and your family. I hope that things get better very soon for you.

Best Wishes,
Gill x

 

[jfb]

Thanks

Here I go crying again! How nice already to have supportive messages. The counselling idea is one I've thought about but I need to get physically better first I think. Although I feel guilty being at home instead of at work it probably is doing me good.

 

[Helen33]

Hello jfb

The counselling idea is one I've thought about but I need to get physically better first I think

Sometimes I think it's 'which comes first, the chicken or the egg' If you feel you are not physically up to coping with counselling at the moment, then perhaps you could use the time to try and find where you might receive counselling for when you are ready I say this because often there is a waiting list and if you applied now, you might feel ready by the time it is offered.

I have recently 'cracked'

This can make it so hard to move and I want you to know that I respect the fact that you might just need to rest.

Love

 

[Skye]

Hi jfb, welcome from me too!

You sound as if you have too much on your plate, and need some support just now. Don't feel guilty about that, we've all been there at times, and TP has helped us get through it.

It's good that you have a supportive husband, so get as much rest as you can. Try to get out as well, and see friends, hopefully they too will be supportive, and it's not good to be too isolated.

Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? He/she may be able to refer you for counselling, or a short course of antidepressants might help. I don't know what your physical problem is, but I think you need help now for the depression.

Also, have you had a carer's assessment? If not, you should ask for one. You need support too if you are to care for your mum.

Please ask for help, I hate to think of you feeling so low.

And post here, you'll find we'll all support you.

Love,

 

[sad nell]

jfb sorry you feel so low, just wanted to say we understand on here ,keep posting , it really will help you, best wishes pam

 

[Cl13]

Hi jfb, I'm sorry your feeling so low, I felt like that also, like you everything came to a head in Oct last year, I had to bring mum to live with me after a call from mums hospital, they said she couldn't be left on her own, that journey was the worst I've ever had, I was sick severall times and cried for weeks, like you I had lost my dad, it was in 2006,
And your right it is like having another child and at times a very trying one but you will get better, I think the hardest part is accepting the situation we're in.
The best thing for you just now to keep talking to us here on TP untill you see your DR or get some counciling as others have suggested.
Believe me there are good days to be had have a big ((((hug)))) for now, Love Lynn

 

[purtycat]

hi jfb wellcome to tp,sorry to hear that you are feeling low i know how you feel i have been on talblets for 3 years than 4 months ago i came of them without telling my doctor but now i regret coming of them i go to the hospital next week i shall, it dos help to talk it helps me ,please try and see your doctor im sure thay will help, you will get lots of surport on he lots of love purtycat xxx

 

[myheadisinaspin]

hi and welcome
i'm a carer for hubby who has physical problems and a mum who has Alzheimers and i too have had to suffer with all kinds of emotions etc and today i would not be able to cope without what i have now called 'MY HAPPY PILLS LOL' (antidepressants)they keep me sane and make sure I have a good nights sleep.
sometimes depression can present in physical symptoms too so beaware of taht too. also physical problems can make you depressed long term. speak to a doctor and see what they suggest.
you may well feel better with a little tlc x

 

[jfb]

Still resting

Second day in a row where mum hasn't rung me to say 'is the Memory Clinic appointment tomorrow?' I know her Wiltshire Farm Foods parcel has been delivered as I had an email from them, so she's not going to starve. Maybe she's actually remembered I am not well.
I'm sure I am depressed, have been before when I had my kids and when my dad died. Have had anti-depressants before too but I want to try and manage without them now if I can. Interesting idea about the physical problems being affected by the emotional and vice versa. That's exactly how I described it to friends. Normally I am really practical and can cope but several straws have broken the camel's back.
Meanwhile I have been reading some other new posts and I know I should be grateful, some stories are so much sadder than mine.
This is really helping, I'm so glad I'm not alone.

 

[hazytron]

Welcome

Hi jfb and a warm welcome to TP.

Your situation sounds similar to mine. My relationship with my Mum has never been easy and now that she is suffering from Dementia my life revolves around her needs.
I am just about to pop across the road, where she now lives having relocated two years ago to become my neighbour. Goodness knows what kind of mood she will be in but I am about to find out!
I will catch up with you again soon and chat some more. In the mean time, rest assured that you are not alone.

Regards Hazel

 

[Heather777]

Normally I am really practical and can cope but several straws have broken the camel's back.

Hi jfb, it was good to read your post- I can identify so much with it. Both my parents had/have dementia. my mum died a month ago. My dad has been moved to a dementia EPH. I also have a very strained relationship with him, lots of terrible issues growing up and I often wonder why my lovely mum suffered and died and he is still going!! Although, my input to him has lessened now he is in a home, he also was diagnosed in October but with alcohol induced dementia. From then until February I was caring for both of them with my sister. We had to clean them, sort out the house and everything else. You get caught between a rock and a hard place because the stress causes you to feel unlike yourself. Life changes and you know that so many family issues surface that you thought were dealt with and this causes you even more stress.

But I want you to know that, if you were practical and able to cope before, you will be again. Where you are is just part of a tough journey and things won't always be out of control. You need to be gentle on yourself, if you have got a strained relationship with your mum the fact that you are still offering care proves that you are PRACTICAL AND ABLE TO COPE. Be gentle on yourself and try to snatch some you time.

Take care of yourself and your immediate family and make sure you do some things that make you smile.
Heather x

 

[Donalda]

Love

. It's like having another child, but unfortunately not one I love. We have never had a good relationship and it's now full of confusion and guilt

Hi JfB
You are half way there when you can open up to the feelings that you have towards your mother. I have been there!!!
IM sending you a ''Hug'' and wishing you Peace in your heart.
DonaldaXXXX

 

[Starshine]

Another Hug

Hi JFB
I feel for your pain, it must be so hard not having a close relationship and having to do so much caring - so glad you have a supportive husband around to support you! You need caring for too so that you are again able to cope. TP till help, like you I have only been reading posts etc and not done much posting myself, like you I try hard to be strong - but we all need help sometimes. Hug yourself then you can maybe hug your Mum too. My role has ended, sadly lost my Mum a couple of months or so ago, I had before then cared for my Dad too with dementia, and they were not close in the end, and it was before Mum was diagnosed I had to step in and take care of Dad because Mum just wouldn't, she didn't accept he was ill and didn't have any patience at all - that was so hard to watch too, her not giving any sympathy to a very poorly man.
Good Luck and keep posting I hope your feeling better soon.
Starshine x