Anyone else caring for someone they never liked when "normal"

[CarrieLouise]

Money...the root of all evil ....

We have gone round and round the subject of money, and its a flipping mine field. My husband would like to have control over her finances to stop the other three siblings from doing taking whatever they want, but is reluctant to do it because then it will be him who has to say no to them, and we can do without any more arguments. But we MUST do something before they spend the lot and there is no money for care. We have had to put a stop to the amount of their friends she paid to do odd jobs, these jobs didnt exist because we made sure everything was in order. So she was giving out cash for nothing. I wish you could have all heard the conversation I had with her "plumber", who she thought was doing the work cheap as a favor, but she was really paying him double..and giving him a tip - for nothing.

 

[jemima62]

So sorry to hear about your predicament, CarrieLouise.
I'm in a similar situation with my 83 year old mother, who is suffering from dementia. I was never close to, as her job, social life and own interests always took preference over being a parent. Sometimes I do feel sad, especially when others talk of their close, loving relationships with their parents, but I know that, despite caring for my mother, that special bond will never be there and nothing can be done about it. The fact that you are doing you best for your MIL proves that you are a deeply caring person, so hold on to that because it is a precious quality .
Love,
Jemima

 

[WelshJeannie]

Carrie, Can I join your club too. I took early retirement last year and I've spent the whole time dealing with my parents who are in two seperate homes both with dementia. I've spent hundreds trying to sort their financial mess out and each time I have to pay for something, I remember the pair of socks they gave to their grandchildren as 'payment' for me cooking their Christmas dinner or that 'we don't have birthdays because they are a waste of money'. My father said he would burn his money rather than give it to anyone. He may as well have said he would burn my pension too. Bitter doesn't even come close to describing how I feel. Thank you for posting this, Carrie, I felt I was the only one.

 

[sumosumo]

Thank you for posting this, Carrie, I felt I was the only one.

Yes; I meant to say this the other day. This was a brave posting as those who have loving reciprocal relationships with their parents cannot really understand that you could possibly have reasons for not liking a parent! Thank you Carrie for highlighting another vein of this dreadful period in our lives we are currently experiencing. x

 

[CarrieLouise]

Pleasedo !

Carrie, Can I join your club too.

I am beginning to think there are lots of us battling on with relatives we never liked, and who made our lives miserable. I wonder just how many - if people truly admitted how they felt.
I think this is probably a hidden tragedy of dementia. When shown in the media relatives are always shown as greaving for a lost person they love. I always feel it would be easier if it was someone I genuinley cared about, but it just feels like a terrible burden, with no memories of better times to fall back on.

 

[Soup Runner]

CarrieLouise

Carrie,
Have you got room for one more on your great escape?

My mother is in a nursing home because she is unable to do very much for herself.

When I was growing up she always prefered my brothers and even now she will hear no bad word against them even though one of them is ripping her off financially!

Two of my brothers live in Manila (one is the rip off merchant) so have the perfect excuse not to visit her, the other brother lives locally but leaves visiting duty to his wife!

At times I get very annoyed and upset when I am blamed by mum for something one of the others has done or not done, if I try to reason with her she tells me there must be a misunderstanding!

Anyway, back to your great escape. My passport is in date, my suitcase is ready, I just need some idea of what sort of clothes to pack and what airport to meet you at.

Seriously, you are not alone in dealing with somebody you don't particularly like. I'm so pleased you posted on the subject.

Nina

 

[Margaret W]

I can't believe I haven't already posted on here. I looked after my mum for 2 years with AD, mostly in a care home so I suppose that wasn't really "looking after her", but it did involve buying her clothes, labelling them, finding them when they went missing, 15 bras disappeared in those two years, dealing with her finances, DWP (don't ask!), Power of Attorney, Bank, Building Society, selling her house, etc etc. None of it done with any love, cos mum never displayed any love to me. No siblings, so at least those are out of the party. Mum had no siblings either (both dead), so all down to me.

I did it cos I had no choice. Well, you can't leave your mother stranded can you? Well, some can, clearly. But those of us on here can't.

So sympathy to all of you who are doing this job grudgingly, join the club.

What I cannot do with is money-grabbers. Mum had a little house to sell and modest savings. We invested the money as best we could, and expected to run out in about 6 years, so had planned using our own (pension) money to finance the care home after that. As it happened, mum died suddenly so our financial support wasn't needed, but it was certainly what we planned. If I had had siblings who weren't prepared to share this, I would have screamed.

Folks, do the best you can. No guilt, only congratulations on doing a difficult job, called "doing your duty", something that lots of people have forgotten the meaning of.

Love to all,

Margaret

 

[CarrieLouise]

Still plodding along...

Spent most of the weekend at the local hospital as MIL had suspected stroke. After dealing with doctor, ambulance crew, hospital doctors with no help as family "all away" I was annoyed that she told everyone her own daughter had been with her all the time and had done everything for her.
Do you think they replace reality with what they wish had happened?. I am thinking more and more that this is what she does.

The great escape seems to be gathering pace..I am thinking somewhere really quiet, where a person could read a book, or eat a whole meal without interuption. Bliss.
Carrie xx

 

[harvey]

Susan

I feel for you!! My husband and me are the only ones caring for my MIL. The 'favourites' have been to visit a couple of times over the past two years. I work full time and so the day to day care is left to my husband [who has never been her favourite son] When FIL died she asked us to move in with her we felt we could only comply. Luckily for us we kept our home,we were deeply depressed after three months of no privacy, constant confrontation and no privacy at all. She had a 'poor little me' moment and suggested we go home. Next morning we were off! She was quite shocked I think but I am so glad we found the courage. It cured us of any thought of her moving in with us, had we not stayed with her we may well have fallen into that trap. She has never liked me and has treated me very badly over the last 40 years. As well as working full time I gave up my Saturday every week for almost two years to take her shopping and out for a meal etc. I deal with all her finances and so Sunday was spent doing my own housework and attending to her affairs. Then the mental health trust became involved through her GP. They advised us to back off and not put her needs before ours all the time, we were giving too much of ourselves and pandering to her tantrums. It is glorious to have a whole weekend once again. I still see her occasionally to take her for appointments and she comes to us for meals. She resents me for doing things for her that she is not able to do anymore. She accepts small gifts and then gives them to my husband to bring home as she does not need them. She was always self centred and domineering, as long as she was the centre of everyones attention she was happy. She took great delight in picking an argument and still thrives on putting people down.

As she is as strong as a horse and likely to live until she is 120, the intervention of the mental health trust nurses have been a godsend. We have booked a weeks holiday this year, last year we did not dare take time away.

I also care for her because I could not see her uncomfortable or in pain. I have moments when my heart goes out to her as she is now looking frail, lives alone and rambles around in a huge bungalow. I have given up trying to get her to accept things that would make life better for her. She rejects any idea I put forward that would help her. I no longer dread hearing the phone ringing, I do not feel compelled to answer it any more. The nurses told us that MIL had chosed to live alone in her own home and she has choices. They made us understand that we have done all we can but she has the final say.

Wishing you well

Polly

 

[Vonny]

Dear Carrie,

You could try pointing out to the various relatives that what they are doing is possibly illegal. The authorities take a very dim view of asset stripping, because this money could be used towards care.

If you pointed out they could be held accountable by the authorities at some stage, would this stop them helping themselves to your MIL's assets?

Just a thought.

Vonny xx

 

[CarrieLouise]

Money!

Dear Carrie,

You could try pointing out to the various relatives that what they are doing is possibly illegal.
Vonny xx

Yes we have already done that, but as she is drawing out cash, and giving it away, there is no real proof where it has gone.

Carrie x

 

[jane-anne]

Can I join your club? I have always had an iffy relationship with my Mum. she prefers my brother who 1) lived in Africa for over 20 years, and 2) wanted to put her in a home many years ago and 3) now he has Motor Neurones Disease so is in no position to do anything for her anyway.
I am disabled myself which she does not accept, only she is in pain.- she fell and broke her hips, twice but refuses to walk so little exercise. she has forgotten how to swim. My husband is a saint because he cares for me but also her. Our latest problem which has been going on for a couple of years on and off, is that she will not use the wc so there is always wee on the floor of her bathroom not to mention the smell. Can anyone suggest how to get rid of the smell of urinals????? Today my husband found she had even wee'd on the floor in her bedroom.
She has regular checkups at the Doctors, and there is nothing wrong with her kidneys and no infection.
Unfortunately, I am one of those people who when upset, my voice rises and it seems I am shouting at her. Maybe I am partly, but mainly I am frustrated because nothing we say gets through.

 

[Splat88]

Aah Jane-Anne, I know exactly how you feel. Mary has been peeing in anything she can get her hands on in her bedroom, in spite of my attempts to hide anything even close to resembling a bowl!!!

Then she opens her window and throws it out, so not only does her carpet reek, she's not got brilliant eyesight, so it goes everywhere, but the front garden stinks, too. ( I know this from near miss parking the car outside her bedroom window one day!!!!)

I invested in an electric carpet cleaner, and also those plug in air fresheners. I don't think it'll stop, and I don't know why she does it, because she also comes out of her room to use the toilet as well!!!

 

[CarrieLouise]

The more the merrier

Can I join your club?

You are all more than welcome to join the big get away!- I wonder what would happen if we all upped and left. I think the government may have a real problem on their hands if every fed up carer in the country decided they had had enough.

 

[jemima62]

I'd love to come too, if only for a week, but sadly, it would be like leaving Dracula in charge of the blood bank!
Love,
Jemima

 

[babushka]

caring for one you dislike

oh absolutely there with you Carrie - caring for someone whom you dislike is very hard indeed. I have written about my husband whom I tried to leave 10 years ago before the dementia took hold and came back when he became ill with an aneurism...since then I have not been able to leave because he is not able to care for himself and although I have my son and his wife living with me I cannot dump him on them.
I am not going to say saintly things about trying to be calm and loving, what I do advise is getting out and about as much as you can and getting as much help as you can and looking after YOU.
Found I can ignore what is said, and if it is critical or irritating I just walk away into another room...I try to congratulate myself every night before I go to bed for NOT killing him!! best of luck....nothing lasts forever, thank goodness:

 

[Grannie G]

Caring is a thankless task for someone who is loved, so a bouquet to all who are providing hands on caring for someone they don`t like/love.

View attachment 4774

 

[CarrieLouise]

nothing lasts forever, thank goodness:[/QUOTE]

I keep telling myself the same thing. The only downside is I have a feeling she will kill me off with the stress and will outlive us all!.

She is now refusing to eat bread as she says its not baked properly and is turning back to dough in her mouth, and has no salt in. As her last BP reading was 212/140 I think missing the salt out would be for the best

Carriex

 

[Margarita]

She is now refusing to eat bread as she says its not baked properly and is turning back to dough in her mouth, and has no salt in. As her last BP reading was 212/140 I think missing the salt out would be for the best

I gave my mother her dinner today , she tell me she full up as she eaten fish cake already

That was her dinner yesterday, but no matter what |I said she would not eat her dinner , because she eaten 4 fish cakes already .

so she not eaten since 1pm & my mother diabetic.

I think missing the salt out would be for the best

sound like a good idea.

 

[BeverleyY]

I don't know how (if) I would cope in this situation.

I was extremely close to my parents and they moved in 6 years ago now. Sadly, we lost Mum last year and are now battling with Dad and his Dementia without her.

I have actually said to my husband (who is wonderful with Dad.. and always was with Mum too) that I wouldn't be prepared to do this for his parents. He's not overly close to them, so doesn't seem to miffed by this.

I really just think if ever his parents were ill, I'd look to his sister/brother. Going through this once, with my parents I love is hard enough - without it being his and people that I like.. but are not emotionally attached to.

Good luck!

Beverley