not doing well

[Lynne]

Kazzette

How are you?

As I did, you lost your Mum in September. Are things coming into focus a bit more for you now, with the passing of time?
Don't be afraid to use TP as an outlet for your feelings, Kazzette. We're all still here for you, if you feel it helps.

This is such a difficult time for anyone suffering "empty chair" syndrome during the first year of bereavement.
Today I got a Xmas card (addressed to Mum) from Australia from a friend she had made over there on one of her trips to visit my brother.
I found writing a short note to tell her of Mum's death incredibly difficult & tearful, despite the fact that I must have typed several hundred words about it here on TP!
And I don't suppose it will be the last such letter I will have to write.

Best wishes

 

[Kazzette]

Hello Lynne

I feel that I am doing surprisingly well. The desolation I felt seems to have passed but I am not going to get too confident just in case. The feeling of wanting Mum back has gone. I had a really cathartic afternoon where I sobbed for what seemed like hours. I wanted her back for me to give me the stability and safety I had lost.

I still need to talk to her all the time, especially when I am walking down the road. I'm wondering if I should out an ear piece in to simulate a mobile phone conversation.

Thank you for asking it makes me feel less alone

 

[CraigC]

Hi Kazzette and all,

The feeling of wanting Mum back has gone. I had a really cathartic afternoon where I sobbed for what seemed like hours. I wanted her back for me to give me the stability and safety I had lost.

I believe time is the only healer when it comes to such a loss. Things get better and then suddenly it creeps up on you unaware, but it does get better over time. When someone one told me it takes years I almost laughed, but they were right. It just gets better slowly. Time is an incredible healer.

I still need to talk to her all the time, especially when I am walking down the road. I'm wondering if I should out an ear piece in to simulate a mobile phone conversation.

My daughter said to me again today, who are you talking to dad, I made some lame excuse. I like the ear piece idea Weird how much stuff you can only talk to your mum and dad about and I know that I'm not alone in this. It is never just a case of moving on.

Thinking of you all and glad to have somewhere to talk.

Kindest Regards
Craig

 

[botanico]

I lost my dad last year, I am over 50 and have cried every day since because I miss him so much and I will always miss him, but it is getting easier to go on. To look forward, although things will never be the same. He wouldn't or couldn't eat at the end and I blamed myself for not trying harder to get him to eat etc., etc., etc., but it is a terrible illness and you must not blame yourself but it is a natural part of the grieving process to do this.

My mum has Vascular Dementia and is in the final stages. For the last 5 years I have wanted my mum back as she was and dreaded the time, like you are having to cope with, when she is no longer with me at all.

It is so hard and my thoughts are with you as there is nothing I can say to make your pain any less.

 

[Lynne]

Memories ...

I still ... talk to her (Mum) all the time, especially when I am walking down the road. I'm wondering if I should put an ear piece in to simulate a mobile phone conversation.

That happened with us while Mum was still alive! When we were out together I'd be chatting away, then find she had stopped to look in a shop window or something some 20 yards back whilst I wandered on & found myself talking drivel to a complete stranger who was walking just behind me on the footpath!
A happy memory.

 

[julieann15]

Dear Kazzette,
I lost both my parents to cancer when pregnant with my older son who is 16 now. Sometimes odd things catch me out even now- yesterday for example Steve my handyman came to do some odd jobs around the house- he was looking for a washer for my old imperial taps- went out to his van and brought in a big jar full of washers,screws and all sorts of other things that might come in useful one day- my dad had one just like it and I felt myself welling up- so sometimes the daftest things can trigger feelings of despair and yes I talk to my mum most days- have had some funny looks in the street too!! It is not raw now to me more of a dull ache

Julie xx

 

[Kazzette]

I was thinking today, with Christmas fast approaching, and how Mum loved this time of year, of the time when I will be able to talk about her without the raw emotion and tears which I have no control over. There was so much more to her than the terrible thing which took over her and I want to be remembering that. Then I got to thinking about all of you, the ones still struggling with your loved ones and the ones like me who have lost them and I felt a part of something and a sense of belonging. It's odd how I can think of all of you, and find that I really do care.......

 

[Kazzette]

Now Christmas is over I find that I now have nothing to focus on. I've read other posts about how to get ones-self motivated. I've done all the cleaning possible.......tidying and some decorating. I walk so much I thought about getting a dog for the company and affection, how sad is that?

Someone asked me today if I was looking for work. When I told her that I have never worked she was astonished. I am so dreading presenting myself at the jobcentre next month. What will they make of me, I wonder. I am fearful of the future and desperately know that I need something to focus on but for now just want to stay indoors away from people and life..... I really do feel that I have nothing to offer, Mum took so much of me when she passed.............

I am asked so often 'how are you' the answer to them is 'fine'. I really have no idea.....

 

[connie]

Dear Kazzette, I wish I had answers for you, but everyone is different. I am sure that you will find a new purpose for your life, but it will be in your own time.

Meanwhile you are giving the right reply, as for carers 'fine' means:

Fed up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.

 

[Mameeskye]

When I told her that I have never worked she was astonished

Kazette

But you have worked and have a wealth of experience in care, in organisation, in household management. These are not little things. You will probably find that you have developed diplomatic skills as well when doing this task. If you think about it you will probably find that there is much that you have learnt.

When you go to the job centre think about what it is you would like to do rather than just "a job". There are so many interesting courses that you may be legible for help with funding for which may be a more gentle introduction and may help you build your self confidence.

(((((((hugs))))))))))

The main thing is not to rush and to find out what you want to do. Explore the opportunities available to you. It takes time and you have to listen to yourself and your needs as well.

Love

Mameeskye

 

[gigi]

Dear Kazette....

You're being very hard on yourself....

You gave a lot to your mum and are now in that awful void...

And Connie's version of "fine" fits well with what you are probably feeling just now.

Can I suggest that you don't try to look too far ahead...and if you have to attend the job centre for an interview re work..be honest.
They are not there to judge you..they should be in a position to offer you help in the way of confidence building courses, training courses....when you are ready.

If you are naturally of a caring nature there are families all over the country who are crying out for help with loved ones...who may be in the same situation as you once were..and for them you could make a difference..which may help you to feel better about yourself.

But take it steadily....so many years of caring will have taken their toll..you do have a life ahead..and can have that life..

Take it slowly and try not to panic. And keep talking...it helps.

Love gigi xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Kazette

You have a very challenging year ahead of you Kazette and you could do with all the support you can get in order to make the best of the challenges. It really might be worth ringing the Princess Royal Trust and asking for someone to come and visit you so that you can share with them what you have shared with us and, hopefully, they will have the means to help you to move forward with the right support.

We are all here for you in the meantime so don't hesitate to post.

Love and best wishes