I don't really need any answers, I just want to talk.

[Michele]

Hi.

I have been a member for a while. Mum has Alzheimers, is 70, is on medication, lives on her own in a lovely bungalow which is warden assisted, has lots of friends, and does lots.

We went over for tea last night and put her decorations up for her. Tea was not brilliant (but we told her it was lovely). The meat was undercooked and had to go back in the oven, the vegetables were overcooked and she had put them on too early and had to turn them off so they went cold, she had put the kettle on too early for the gravy so the gravy was luke warm. But hey, we ate it and just being with her was lovely.

She has bought lots of cards for friends and family and keeps forgetting to send them. She has bought presents for friends and keeps forgetting what she has bought and who they are for. We laugh about it and she laughs too. I help her as much as I can, and take time off work as much as I can, and my sister helps too.

But why? Why does my mum have to have this. She used to do everything for the family, used to look after my dad, used to be a PA, used to drive everywhere, used to know what was going on.

It hurts to see mum like this, it hurts so much. But she is happy and that is what keeps me going.

I love her so much and am really scared that she is going to get worse and end up in a home, which I know will destroy her. I don't want this to happen, but I know it may.

Live can sometimes be so cruel, and at this moment in time I think it is cruel.

xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Michele

I am so sorry that anyone has to experience their loved ones going through this.

But she is happy

This really is something to hang on to for as long as possible.

Sending love and best wishes

 

[Margarita]

I so understand where you’re coming from .

It hurts to see mum like this, it hurts so much. But she is happy and that is what keeps me going.

Me also .

 

[suec]

Hi Michelle

I do know what you mean - my Mum is 85 - used to be a vibrant, intelligent woman. Now she can't remember anything for more than a few minutes. This morning we sat down together to write out her Christmas cards; she wrote in the cards and I addressed the envelopes. We finished about 2.30 - I got back to my home at 3 to find a message on my answermachine from her asking when I was going to help her write her cards ! It then took me 20 minutes on the phone to persuade her that she had done them just today. It's so exhausting for both of us - I've tried to get her to laugh at her memory 'lapses' but she can't see the funny side of the situation and just gets depressed and tearful. She's been on Aricept for about a year now, but I've noticed a steady decline in the last couple of months and fear that it is no longer effective.

She can't get out on her own due to serious mobility issues, and in a way I am grateful for that for I fear that if she did go out shopping on her own she would get hopelessly confused and lost - for now she seems content to wait for me to take her out. At the moment we are just about coping with her living independently in her little flat and me going over every day to do the meds and check everything is OK; but I fear it won't be much longer before I will have to be there permanently. I would have her to live with me but I only have a one bedroomed flat and am not in a position to move to somewhere larger (I'm retired and can't afford a mortgage !) so the alternatives are (a)I move in with her and shut up my place for the duration; or (b) Mum goes into a care home. Neither are ideal solutions.

I do try to take each day as it comes and 'go with the flow' as my sister tells me - but every day it is becoming harder and harder to watch her decline further. I always envisaged my retirement as a time when she and I could get and about together doing all the things we couldn't do when I was working; but it's not working out like that and for the life of me I can't see what the future can hold for either of us except more of the same for an indefinite period of time.

Whoops I came on here to try and cheer you up but have ended up loading my problems onto you - sorry, sorry, sorry ! But have (((((((((hug)))))))))) anyway

suec

 

[Rootshalle]

Hi Michele

I can relate to so much of your post. One of the reasons I signed up to TP was because when browsing through I couldn't believe how many people were experiencing the same things I was with my mum. The posts are so moving.

The point about your mum being happy is key, my mum always tells me I worry about her too much and she is happy. I tell her she's worth worrying about! This point about her being happy cropped up at a recent visit we made to a psychiatrist. He was testing her memory and wanted mum to tell him the months of the year in sequence from January to December, she did that OK. Then he asked her to go from December backwards to January and she struggled to Oct. Mum then said I live my life going forwards and what does all this matter? (she was a touch fed up with the questions at this point) The consultant thought about it & agreed, yes you're right what does it matter? Which caused some smiling and laughter. He asked mum are you happy? To which she replied yes. We all agreed that was good and we moved on. It made me smile. I hope it appropriate to mention this story in reply, my point being I still find the odd little thing that I have to hang onto to get me through this.

My mum recently went into a home and we're both still adjusting to this but its a good place. I still worry even though she is in a place I think is good & I know she is being looked after.

with best wishes - regards - R

 

[Lynne]

Hello Michele

I'm so sorry to read your pain at the deterioration of your Mum from the active & able person she once was to a lady who is now struggling with some of the simpler domestic things. I really do know how that feels as a daughter myself, and truly sympathise.

However, (even though you said you weren't looking for answers) I have to take issue with one line of your post:

really scared that she is going to get worse and end up in a home, which I know will destroy her.

Please don't regard that stage of the illness - which hopefully is a long way off yet - with such dread & defeatism. There ARE good homes out there, they just don't make good newspaper headlines so we only tend to hear about the bad ones. Take each day as it comes, make the MOST of each day, without depressing yourself by imagined or pre-conceived ideas of dread.

Best wishes

 

[bob606]

Lots of good words in there

You use 'lovely' and 'happy' in your post. If these are the overriding feelings, that's good - hold onto this.

 

[Michele]

Thank you to everyone for your lovely posts. You have all made me smile. You are all such wonderful people.

Thanks you

xx

 

[Sam Iam]

I am glad you smiled

Hi Michelle, its good you are smiling.
One thing I would say to you is live for today and hope for tomorrow, for if your Mum is happy and you are enjoying her company then you are not letting this horrible disease beat you.

Mum and I do have down day's but most days are fun and what got me to this stage was when Mum told the CPN that she was lucky as she had had a good life and had gotten to 81 and there are people much younger than her have AD and thats sad (my wee Mammy mmmm I could hug her sooo much xx)
Best wishes