Hello,
I posted a few months ago for the first time as we were planning a major house move/ swap. Thank you for all the tips and advice. I have tried to read ‘someone I used to know’ but am struggling to finish it only because everything hurts a lot at the moment. It is very well written.
The move has almost completed now. We have changed every room apart from my sons bedroom and a family bathroom over the summer. It has been exhausting.
Mum and Dad now have a one bedroom ground floor annexe and I have a family home for myself husband and 2 children.
I thought I would write a few thoughts and reflections I hope it helps with anyone else in similar situations.
My dad has a form of undiagnosed dementia. He has a lot of confusion and false memories. Health officials all agree but we can’t move forward with a diagnosis until my dad agrees to it.
Before we moved I labelled all their kitchen cupboards. I tried to keep all the same cupboards as similar as I could in the new kitchen. This is mostly successful although a lot of things have been lost, gradually things are making sense. It has been 8 weeks now.
Most of their furniture was moved without being emptied and everything was kept as similar as possible. Unfortunately my parents were reluctant to let many unused possessions go so their new space is rather cluttered but this seems to make them feel secure. It has made finding things challenging. Baby steps.
it was very hard to get them to stay away from the house for the week of the main move. They insisted they would be helpful. My dad does not think there is anything wrong with him at all. I found it hard to keep patient and at one point I did end up suggesting they stayed and did it whilst I took my family to the B and B. Mum quickly backtracked but dad still had to be persuaded. I was at the end of my tether.
A few weeks before the move I took mum and dad to the pub near the B and B for a meal. I thought it would familiarise them for when they were away. Unfortunately dad had an episode. He seemed to shut down in front of eyes and I thought he was having a stroke. My 10yo daughter was very distressed, fortunately a friend was able to comfort her whilst I called the ambulance. It wasn’t a stroke. There hasn’t been a name for it but he has done something similar again in the last few weeks. It’s like a black out he recovers from. This put them off eating there and we had to do food parcels to the B and B during the move week. It highlighted how dependent they were becoming.
We had hoped to get a dry run at the B and B but dads health episode made this impossible as he was in hospital a few days and the B and B was occupied.
The blackout was in the back of our minds the whole time we were dealing with the move. I had a lot of family help both with moving and decorating. We couldn’t have done it on our own.
Dad is a changed man. In the matter of a few months he has altered from walking daily. He would also potter in the house. Usually tidying up , which led to him losing things. Now he sits in his chair and sleeps most of the day.
He says he doesn’t sleep at night, I think if he does sleep he wakes up un refreshed. He looks frail. He lost weight and has no appetite. His memory issues are worsening although when I suggest we get help he refuses. He could have depression.
I don’t and can’t know the toll the move has had on dad and it is hard on my dark lonely moments not to feel bad. Even though my logical mind says he couldn’t have stayed living at home if he had the stairs to contend with. But have I made things worse? I suppose this is harder because the move has actually helped my family quite a lot and the separation was needed for me to be a mum in one house and a daughter/carer in the other. I struggle with the feeling that no one person should have been a winner, and this should be better for parents too. Sadly mum and dad are struggling a lot.
I find the mental strain needed to make every decision about what I help with and how I help them, when I ask fo help... every decision changes from each moment to the next. I could make a decision one day for them and the next day the identical decision would be made differently. I find this mentally exhausting.
I believe my way forward is to appeal to dad to get a diagnosis not for himself, but for my mum and myself. So we can access all the help and support needed to keep dad at home as long as possible.
The situation has changed so dramatically and quickly, I guess we are all still trying to see where the dust has settled. I am sure this is just a low day for me and I will be back at tomorrow but I do all this practical stuff, make all their decisions and underneath somewhere in me I am just really sad. My dad is fading in front of me and It feels like sand is running through my fingers.
I posted a few months ago for the first time as we were planning a major house move/ swap. Thank you for all the tips and advice. I have tried to read ‘someone I used to know’ but am struggling to finish it only because everything hurts a lot at the moment. It is very well written.
The move has almost completed now. We have changed every room apart from my sons bedroom and a family bathroom over the summer. It has been exhausting.
Mum and Dad now have a one bedroom ground floor annexe and I have a family home for myself husband and 2 children.
I thought I would write a few thoughts and reflections I hope it helps with anyone else in similar situations.
My dad has a form of undiagnosed dementia. He has a lot of confusion and false memories. Health officials all agree but we can’t move forward with a diagnosis until my dad agrees to it.
Before we moved I labelled all their kitchen cupboards. I tried to keep all the same cupboards as similar as I could in the new kitchen. This is mostly successful although a lot of things have been lost, gradually things are making sense. It has been 8 weeks now.
Most of their furniture was moved without being emptied and everything was kept as similar as possible. Unfortunately my parents were reluctant to let many unused possessions go so their new space is rather cluttered but this seems to make them feel secure. It has made finding things challenging. Baby steps.
it was very hard to get them to stay away from the house for the week of the main move. They insisted they would be helpful. My dad does not think there is anything wrong with him at all. I found it hard to keep patient and at one point I did end up suggesting they stayed and did it whilst I took my family to the B and B. Mum quickly backtracked but dad still had to be persuaded. I was at the end of my tether.
A few weeks before the move I took mum and dad to the pub near the B and B for a meal. I thought it would familiarise them for when they were away. Unfortunately dad had an episode. He seemed to shut down in front of eyes and I thought he was having a stroke. My 10yo daughter was very distressed, fortunately a friend was able to comfort her whilst I called the ambulance. It wasn’t a stroke. There hasn’t been a name for it but he has done something similar again in the last few weeks. It’s like a black out he recovers from. This put them off eating there and we had to do food parcels to the B and B during the move week. It highlighted how dependent they were becoming.
We had hoped to get a dry run at the B and B but dads health episode made this impossible as he was in hospital a few days and the B and B was occupied.
The blackout was in the back of our minds the whole time we were dealing with the move. I had a lot of family help both with moving and decorating. We couldn’t have done it on our own.
Dad is a changed man. In the matter of a few months he has altered from walking daily. He would also potter in the house. Usually tidying up , which led to him losing things. Now he sits in his chair and sleeps most of the day.
He says he doesn’t sleep at night, I think if he does sleep he wakes up un refreshed. He looks frail. He lost weight and has no appetite. His memory issues are worsening although when I suggest we get help he refuses. He could have depression.
I don’t and can’t know the toll the move has had on dad and it is hard on my dark lonely moments not to feel bad. Even though my logical mind says he couldn’t have stayed living at home if he had the stairs to contend with. But have I made things worse? I suppose this is harder because the move has actually helped my family quite a lot and the separation was needed for me to be a mum in one house and a daughter/carer in the other. I struggle with the feeling that no one person should have been a winner, and this should be better for parents too. Sadly mum and dad are struggling a lot.
I find the mental strain needed to make every decision about what I help with and how I help them, when I ask fo help... every decision changes from each moment to the next. I could make a decision one day for them and the next day the identical decision would be made differently. I find this mentally exhausting.
I believe my way forward is to appeal to dad to get a diagnosis not for himself, but for my mum and myself. So we can access all the help and support needed to keep dad at home as long as possible.
The situation has changed so dramatically and quickly, I guess we are all still trying to see where the dust has settled. I am sure this is just a low day for me and I will be back at tomorrow but I do all this practical stuff, make all their decisions and underneath somewhere in me I am just really sad. My dad is fading in front of me and It feels like sand is running through my fingers.
