not doing well

[Kazzette]

I WANT MY MUM!!!! She passed away 8 weeks ago and I have been trying so hard accepting it but I can't accept that I will never see her again and I don't know how to get over this feeling of desolation. My GP suggested CRUSE but I don't feel I can talk to a stranger and have to explain about what took Mum and how.

With her 'end of life plan' I decided on no intervention and now I feel that I hastened her death and I can't get the terrible thought out of my mind that I killed her, albeit legally.

I never expected to feel this way, thought it was all under control. Why did this disease take her so quickly?

I'm nearly fifty years old and I want my Mum.......

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Kazzette,

It is very understandable you want your Mum back.

With your Mother's "end of life plan" you were carrying out wishes.

Peter who is in E.M.I. Unit and in last stage and it is now 18 months since he went in there.

As Peter at present has a very bad chest infection, to be perfectly honest as much as I would love my husband back, I know that is not possible.

I am relieved that at the beginning of AD Peter had a document drawn up regarding his "end of life plan" because that is one decision I would hate to make.

You are in the early stages of grief and you and only you will know when you wish to discuss it.

Sending you best wishes
Christine

 

[Helen33]

Dear Kazzette

I sent you a message yesterday but it got lost somewhere so I am sorry for such a late reply.

Grief is such a hard road to travel Kazzette and you are in mourning for your mum and of course you want her back. Eight weeks is such a short time and you must give yourself time to grieve which is about feeling, facing and dealing with all the things you have mentioned. If, however, you feel really worried and something is overly bothering you, then the GP's advice could be really helpful to enable you to come to terms with that particular aspect of your loss.

In the meantime Talking Point is here for you and I hope we can be supportive to you at this time of your loss.

Love and best wishes

 

[CraigC]

Dear Kazzette,

The mind plays horrid tricks when your are going through bereavement. I too felt that I had contributed to my mothers death and could have done more, felt guilty that I had not done enough, could have made her passing more gentle, held off longer on the morphine or let her die without it. And yes could have done things differently with what I know now. Death was nothing like the movies and nothing prepared me for it.

Guilt started to eat away at me and could not sleep etc - I really could not think straight. I even got it in her head that she killer herself to stop me suffering, that is one nasty subconscious trick my mind plays on me.

Best bit of advice I had was to turn the guilt into regrets, only then could I come to terms with these horrible feelings and start to reason with myself. Still regret many things and think about mum every single day.

Keep myslelf occupied caring for my dad and family now and block it all out most of the time, seems to work for me but probably not clinically proven. The only cure for bereavement seems to be time and I see no alternative for me other than distractions. It is the only time in my life that I wish I had some blind faith (and mum for that matter).

Not much help sorry, just saying your thoughts are going to be unreasonable and in my mind it is hard to think straight 8 weeks after a death. I have never opted to for the counselling route so sorry not sure if it helps, but it helps a lot being able to talk to people here.

thinking of you
Craig

 

[Mameeskye]

Hi Kazette

Eight weeks is such a short short time in the timescale of grief. I found ten years ago, with my Dad that around the three month part was the deepest part of the trough. I was just so tired, down and thought that life for everyone else was going on but mine had changed and no one seemed to be acknowedging the overwhelming sadness that I carried with me all the time.For Mum it was just so different, as she had been gone for such a long time before death took her in its loving embrace.

Like Craig, when my Dad died, I made my self busy with other things, threw myself into my work and blocked out much of the sadness. Dad would not have wanted me to grieve indefinitely. He definitely beleived you should enjoy life. He is one of the reasons I now work part time as he worked hard until he retired and then had only a few months before his illness took hold. He regretted it deeply that he had not had more time to do the things he wanted in his life.

I found that speaking to people did help me, but when I was ready to do it. It may be that you find a Counsellor helpful or it may be that you have some friends who will let you just talk, without comment or suggestion and let you put your thoughts in order.

I know the feeling of of "did I hasten it?" with Dad..and the answer is yes, the medical profession probably did, but my Dad had made it very clear, very early on, that this is what he wanted. His words were "when the time comes I do not want to suffer" and I promised him that I would not let him. I think that the greatest gift for your Mum was that you followed her end of life plan, eventhough in your heart of hearts the scream was "I don't want to let my Mum go"..and perhaps you are feeling this now, as you dared not feel it when your Mum was alive, as it was the only way at the time to give you the strength do what had to be done.

You have shown great courage, now let yourself grieve. It takes time and it does run so so slowly when you travel the path after someone goes.

My thoughts are with you at this sad sad time.

Love

Mameeskye

 

[LIZ50]

Hi Kazette

I lost my mum nearly six months ago and I can well remember feeling exactly as you are feeling now and thinking that life seemed so empty without mum. I also felt guilty that I had chosen a 'dnr' and no intervention for her end of life plan but as time has drifted on I realise that it was the correct course of action as mum would have wanted quality of life not quantity.
You are still in the early stages of grieving and you probably feel as though you are never going to come out of the dark tunnel that you are travelling in but, believe me, eventually you will and things will become easier and you will be able to remember the happy memories although you probably don't believe that at the moment.
I think about my mum every day especially as I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and although I have a wonderful family I really wish my mum was here to hold my hand. I guess it doesn't really matter how old we are we still need a mother's loving touch at times.
Give yourself time Kazette and just take it one day at a time.
Thinking of you.
Love Liz xx

 

[Cate]

Hi Kazette

Its only 5 months since my mum died, and it still feels as raw as it did that dreadful day.

I too wonder could I have done anything differently, and the answer is no, but I am only just coming around to thinking that way now. The ‘what if’s’, and ‘if only’ I believe are all part of the grieving process. There is one thing that I am now very sure of, mum is not suffering from this dreadful disease anymore, she is at peace with my dad, and I cling onto that thought like a drowning woman, its what gets me from under the duvet to face another day.

I know this seems an impossible thought at the moment, but you will reconcile with your mum’s passing in time. I too would never have wanted to talk to strangers about my mum and her death. What has kept me going is the fantastic friends I have made here, they have been there for me in my darkest hours. We do understand, so post when ever you feel the need.

Love
Cate

 

[Lynne]

Hello Kazzette

10 weeks since my Mum died, and in many ways I've been through the same doubts & feelings. Could I have done more? SHOULD I have done things differently? What if ...? Why us ...? It's not fair!

I want my Mum back too, but not the poor little thing she was in September; I want back the intelligent, witty, vibrant, gutsy woman she was up until about 5 years ago, before Alzheimer's Disease started to eat into her brain. She wouldn't have wanted to prolong that last sad chapter of her life (any more than I would should I find myself in that situation).

And your age doesn't have any bearing on it; where our mothers are concerned, we are all still children.

You did all you could and I don't believe you "hastened her death" at all; but if anything hastened it, that may have been a merciful coincidence. A long life may be something to celebrate - a long death isn't, in my own opinion.

Bereavement counselling could be a good idea for you, I think.

Best wishes

 

[Helen33]

Dear Lynne

A long life may be something to celebrate - a long death isn't, in my own opinion.

I've just read your post and the above really caught my attention. Thank you for sharing that - I think you have put into words something quite profound and yet so simple

How are you doing on that long and lonely road of loss?

Love and best wishes

 

[Lynne]

As you say Helen,

... lonely. Each of us only has one Mum, & I suspect no-one ever 'gets over' that loss. I still wake up every couple of hours at night, & several times have even found myself halfway across the room calling "coming Mum", only to realise that she hasn't called me (or at least if she did, it wasn't from her bedroom!). Lots of occasions when I think "Oh, must tell Mum about that" before the realisation that I shan't, ever.. She's always been there, for my 58 years - now she isn't. It'll take a while to get used to that.

On a more mundane front, it's not the best time to be job-hunting at my age, having been out of the jobs market for the best part of 3 years. Mum's 'estate' (ha! less than £150k all in!) has to go for probate - estimated 4 months minimum - is therefore frozen, and until then all 'her' standing orders are coming out of my bank account. Jobseekers allowance = £60 per week, so my limited savings are shrinking rapidly to keep things afloat. And yes, if I sound sorry for myself it's because I am! Not the way I want to be, but there it is. While Mum was alive everything was worthwhile, now ...

 

[connie]

Lynne, understandable that you are lonely and, under the circumstances, a little sorry for yourself.

While Mum was alive everything was worthwhile, now ...

Now........yes now is different but still worthwhile. Your mum was so proud of you, and whatever you do now you are doing it for the two of you.

Not an easy time but try to stay strong. Love n'hugs.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Lynne

I remember you posting previously about needing to job hunt and I have thought about you in that respect very often since then and wondered how on earth you, or anyone else, could make that transition whilst in bereavement.

My mother's estate went into probate but the solicitor paid all the bills which he would recoup at the end of the process. I thought this was standard practice - maybe you could check.

I often wish I could just visit my mum. Alan liked her too and we used to see her a lot. Sometimes I feel like she's really near me even though I don't believe in such things!! Sometimes my experiences are different to my belief system but I value the experiences. For ages after my mum died I kept saying "Oh my mum would like that" or "oh I must tell mum about that". Even if I made a nice meal I would be saying "mum would have really liked that".

Anyway sending love and best wishes Lynne

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Lynne

I`m so sorry you`re having such a rough time.

It might be worth checking if Helen is correct and you have no obligation to pay your mother`s bill from your own pocket until probate is settled.

It makes sense to me and would certainly make life easier for you.

Love xx

 

[myheadisinaspin]

when my gran died all bills for her house was too paid by the solictors, until her house was sold some six months later and probate was settled, you should look into it.

 

[Tender Face]

Digressing to the practical aspects on this thread - Lynne - I am with you all the way and am bewildered by a system that has me in 'legal limbo' (can't extract tuppence ha-penny from any residue of mum's 'estate' (grand word for a few bob!) whilst I seem to have 'inherited' all liabilities and with personal complications around probate and my own looming unemployment am worried sick how we are going to maintain her property ... this was NOT the legacy mum would have wanted for me, I know .......

Kazzette - one of the hardest moments of my mum's journey was the 'DNR' consultation in her final NH. I was so grateful she was having a lucid day when she could express to a new doctor which she hadn't been able to before .... 'Please don't prolong anything' ...... at which point both I and the Nursing Sister in charge broke down ... and I swear I saw the doctor wipe away a tear .... He stated very clearly, 'This is harder for the people being left behind'.

What astute words ......

Can barely respond without crying other than to say 'I vaguely know just where you are at just now' ........

Much love to you (and everyone finding themselves on this thread and in this section)

Karen, x

 

[Kazzette]

Mum had no estate she lived with me we both only had the state benefits. My 8 weeks grace are up now and I was expected to make myself available for work. My GP who was so supportive through Mum's illness was less than understanding telling me that it has been 8 weeks get back to work. Get back to work, I have never worked I have always looked after Mum before the dementia she was regisrered disabled and always needed care. I did manage to get a sick certificate for 8 weeks which will take me to the middle of January. 50 years old no work experience in this climate looking for work.............All I want for now is to have the right to feel as I feel and try to get through each day as best I can.

Mum's illness was a struggle for both of us and getting some of the support was a struggle as well. Everything had to be fought for or justified and constantly being told that I was doing a wonderful job was not what I wanted.

Being Mum's carer defined who I was. My mind is not capeable of 'multi-tasking' at the moment but it seems that I am still expected to jump through hoops and be dictated to. I don't want or like feeling like this and I don't want to take more money from the state but I need to have the time to find my way.. I am so tired of the struggle........

 

[Helen33]

Dear Kazzette

It sounds like you are in such a difficult place having been a carer for so many years and now being in bereavement and also being redundant

It seems that you are going to have to make a very big transition into new employment and I wonder whether you might think about getting in touch with the Princess Royal Trust or Carers Federation because they might have resources to help you.

In the meantime sending very best wishes

 

[JPG1]

Kazzette,

You talked in earlier posts about your children. Are they not able to support you now, as they were soon after your loss of your Mum?

Please call upon them to be with you now, as they were then.

 

[Tender Face]

Dear Kazzette

Being Mum's carer defined who I was.

I think we all have to accept that is a further and significant loss to some degree or other, and especially for you Kazzette and others who have been 24/7 carers for many years I can understand how hard that is impacting ..... I am so sorry your GP now doesn't seem supportive ... it does seems rather judgemental that because there is a shift in role there is a shift in support, almost that the definition of being a carer carries some 'privilege' (I use that word very guardedly) you are now being denied?????

Do you have any carers' groups in your area, even if you haven't used them before? Some do offer support with 'rehabilitating' to life outside being a carer? Redefining our own label is hard ...... and absolutely agree you need the time, space and support to do that at your own pace .......

Love, Karen, x

 

[barbara h]

It's 5 months since my mam died and there are some days where it does feel as raw as when it happened but the worst thing is just missing her but as someone has said on here not my mam of the last few months of her life but my mam who was always there for me and who enjoyed a laugh with us.

Things are particularly bad at the moment as her house is sold and due for completion any time and on top of christmas looming ahead of us it all seems a lot to deal with. I can't even think about christmas as things will be so much different without her being here with us. I know everyone has to get through it and as everyone tells me the first one of everything is probably the worst.

love
barbara h