My Dad passed away last night, he was in late stages of dementia and couldn’t get over a chest infection. He was in a care home and although the care staff were amazing the pain relief he got from nurse visits was atrocious. I sat with him in obvious pain for 3 hours waiting for a nurse to come with a morphine injection. I was also told no syringe drivers were available so he couldn’t have continued pain relief. After he had the injection I went home and couldn’t face going back, I felt utterly helpless. I got the call in the night to. Say he’d passed away. I feel so guilty I wasn’t with him when he went. I can’t get the fear in his eyes out of my mind. Everyone is asking g if it was peaceful and I don’t know what to say. Any advice appreciated. Obviously this is very raw for me now.
Feeling traumatised and guilty
- Thread starter AnnieJay
- Start date
such sad news @AnnieJay
am so sorry for the troubling circumstances .... but glad the care home staff were amazing and so you can be sure that they will have done everything in their power for your dad
even if you had stayed longer, you may well not have been with him at the moment he passed, that's often the way ... your dad knew you have been beside him throughout and would not reproach you
as to what you say ... that has to be your choice ... me, I'd find a form of words to say what I needed and to quiet the person; maybe 'sadly not as peaceful as I'd hoped, though I'm comforted that he's found peace now' or 'I'm content that he is at peace now'
my dad died in january... I wasn't with him .. I know he knew I had been ... it takes time for feelings to settle and memories to fall into place; they will
be kind to yourself
am so sorry for the troubling circumstances .... but glad the care home staff were amazing and so you can be sure that they will have done everything in their power for your dad
even if you had stayed longer, you may well not have been with him at the moment he passed, that's often the way ... your dad knew you have been beside him throughout and would not reproach you
as to what you say ... that has to be your choice ... me, I'd find a form of words to say what I needed and to quiet the person; maybe 'sadly not as peaceful as I'd hoped, though I'm comforted that he's found peace now' or 'I'm content that he is at peace now'
my dad died in january... I wasn't with him .. I know he knew I had been ... it takes time for feelings to settle and memories to fall into place; they will
be kind to yourself
Hi @AnnieJay, I know how you feel, when I left Mum she passed away later in the early hours. Reality is that few are there to actually witness the passing of their loved one, it is unpredictable. The care staff were there to look after and watch over your Dad too. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty about it.
Hi Annie Jay, don’t feel bad, the same happened with my father in law, it can’t be coincidence that it happens to so many people! it’s as if they wait for you to go because they don’t want you to suffer the trauma of seeing them die.
So sorry for your loss.xx
So sorry for your loss.xx
I am so sorry for your loss. May your father rest in peace.
Please please don't be hard on yourself - you coped as well as you could, and as everyone says, it is not uncommon for the loved one to pass while relatives are absent.
In my own case, I was there, but my numbed brain wouldn't let me pay attention at the actual moment & I only noticed after it. I forgive myself because it was just a human quailing from the terrible loss of a parent (my mother).
Forgive yourself too, and be kind to yourself. These are painful early days. Wishing you some solace and peace. I think the advice above over 'what to say' is very sound.
Sympathy & best wishes xx
Please please don't be hard on yourself - you coped as well as you could, and as everyone says, it is not uncommon for the loved one to pass while relatives are absent.
In my own case, I was there, but my numbed brain wouldn't let me pay attention at the actual moment & I only noticed after it. I forgive myself because it was just a human quailing from the terrible loss of a parent (my mother).
Forgive yourself too, and be kind to yourself. These are painful early days. Wishing you some solace and peace. I think the advice above over 'what to say' is very sound.
Sympathy & best wishes xx
I am so sorry, how traumatic for you. I hope you find peace with this eventually and can forgive yourself. The hardest thing to accept is we did the best we could.x
Please don’t be hard on yourself. You did the best you could do & it is traumatic. My mum was on end of life care meds for a week ( syringe driver) in hospital. Everyone thought she would be gone in 48 hrs but she hung on for a week & it was traumatic seeing her fade away. I was doing twice daily hospital visits but I knew she would slip away when I wasn’t there & I would get a phone call in the early hrs & that is exactly what happened. I’m in tears now thinking about it. I know it is because there has been no time to really grieve for her & I would definitely make sure that you take time out for that xx
I'm sorry for your loss @AnnieJay . My dad passed away unexpectedly before Christmas last year and I wasn't with him at the time. Even though I live only a few minutes drive from the carehome I didn't manage to get there in time. I console myself with the thought that although I wasn't there he had people who cared about him when he passed and I'm sure that's true of your dad too.
In your shoes I would ask the carers if your dad's passing was peaceful at the end and then you will know what to say when people ask. A chat with them may help to put your mind at rest.
In your shoes I would ask the carers if your dad's passing was peaceful at the end and then you will know what to say when people ask. A chat with them may help to put your mind at rest.
How sad I am for you. It's tragic, and inhumane, that people suffer pain due to the restrictions on time & medication available in this country and I can understand you not being able to face a return visit. Perhaps it will ease your mind a little to know that I have been with many people as their souls left, due to working with emi residents in care homes, & all but one of them waited until family members had popped out before they passed away. This always seemed to be a conscious decision, even in those who appeared to be beyond communication. Not being with your father when he passed is not how you should judge yourself. Instead think of the experiences that you've shared over the years. I'm sure that he wouldn't want you to feel any guilt. Remember that he really isn't far away, and that you will meet again. It is just very hard for those of us left behind to understand that the final part of all of our journeys has to see us walk forward alone. Take strength in the love & life that you shared. Feel no guilt, as you have done no wrong. Be kind to yourself and look to your friends & family for support. You may even find comfort in their presence. Continue your own journey in ways that will make your father proud; that will more than make up for any perceived fault. I wish you peace.
I know exactly how you feel. My husband died last month and two of my daughters were with me at his bedside. He did not have a peaceful death although it seemed to me not that he was feeling pain but he gasped for breath for hours. His heart was hammering until it gradually slowed down and he died. I cannot get the experience out of my mind and probably never will.
My husband was a good man and deserved a better ending but this is not in our gift. The most we can do is help others to have a better life and bring what comfort we can to their last hours.
