Mum is going into care and will hate it

[Daughter3975]

Hello all.
Mum is 80, increasingly frail, and has mixed dementia, diagnosed this spring. She seems to have gone downhill incredibly quickly this year. We have been trying to buy a flat in a retirement block near me and her grandchildren, but there have been delays and delays. However, we've gone ahead with the sale of her house so she can be nearer to us and for the meantime she will be staying in a residential home that specialises in elderly and dementia care. It might be respite care for a couple of weeks or so, but also it might turn out to be a longer term plan, given her increasing need for support.
However, she strongly disagrees with her diagnosis and does not even really identify as elderly. We went to visit the care home yesterday so she could be assessed and she was horrified to see a place 'full of sad old ladies'. I'm a bit gutted because the previous time I'd visited, it had seemed a lot more upbeat and less like a care home - I guess afternoons are maybe a bit livelier than mornings. She was fine about it yesterday, chipper even, but I think she's just being brave for now and I'm really not sure how she'll respond to actually moving in.
I'm not sure what my question is really, but I just feel awful about all of this. I'm trying to do the right thing for her, because I want her to be safe and happy. On a good day, she's good. But she's very, very forgetful and has not been managing well on her own in her current/soon-to-be-former house, and I'm not convinced she'd be able to manage on her own in a new flat, even with daily carer visits (she often has refused to let them in in her current home). Having said all of that, she has been living on her own so I don't know if I'm being fair.
But I feel a bit like we've sprung this on her because she was expecting to move into a flat. She'd like to move in with me and my family, but my other half and I work so she'd be on her own quite a lot, and we have two small kids, a load of stairs and I worry about her being safe on her own here during the day and whether my household would be safe with her habits of leaving front doors open and letting food burn on the hob.
I wish there was a care home that didn't feel so much like a care home. What will I do if she hates it? I feel like I'm letting her down but I honestly can't see another solution that works right now.
If anyone has had a similar experience, or has any general advice, I'd really appreciate hearing it. Thanks so much.

 

[Jale]

Sorry, can't really offer any helpful advice. You may find that once your Mum is actually in the home she may settle. Mum is in a nursing home and they regularly have activities - both morning and the afternoon, but they also have "quiet times" too and this may have been what you saw when you went for the assessment. We have visited when there have been sing-alongs and the residents are a noisey, happy bunch of people (Mum included).

It is a worrying time for you and I hope that you can get things settled

 

[canary]

Mum never understood that she had dementia either - Im afraid it is actually a symptom of dementia itself (anosognosia) - and she used to think that she was only in her twenties.

You may find that she settles in the care home better than you expect. I never thought that mum would like hers as she had fought so hard against going, but eventually she had no choice and I was amazed that she eventually settled, joined in the activities, made friends and was happy. Care homes often have periods of calm when the residents are taking a nap, or possibly the more able one were on an outing, so dont worry about that.

It really does sound to me at though she would be better off in a care home rather than struggling to live on her own. I think you are going to have to use love lies. You could tell her that she is staying in the care home on a temporary basis until you can find a flat for her, and keep repeating that until she settles.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Daughter3975 , your situation is very similar to my mum's. Mine is 91 and until May this year was living on her own in a flat with no carers coming in. She was a couple of hours away from me and from my brother, and brother and I are a couple of hours away from each other too. Mum has been slowing down since she was eighty, not helped by developing macular degeneration that has left her with limited eyesight, however until a couple of years ago she seemed to be managing fine. She then started to display some worrying symptoms, thinking the neighbours were breaking in, taking her self off to the pub to drink with random strangers, and sometimes being convinced her flat was not her own
My brother suggested she move near to him, he lives in a small town on the outskirts of London and there are some nice sheltered flats and extra care accommodation there. Last October we went to look at some places. It was obvious that mum wasn't really understanding what was going one, but she liked the extra care place which was my brother's preferred choice so we put her flat on the market with a view to buying one when the flat was sold. I liked the flat and the care set up a lot, but wasn't sure it was right for mum. It was too long a walk to the shops for her and she was used to going out every day to Marks for coffee and there were no activities on hand, and no one to engage with other than the carers, however I agreed to go along with it and we put her flat on the market.
Fast forward to spring this year, when the sale was agreed on her flat. Mum had declined further and it was obvious she needed more care than the extra-care place would provide, so brother and I decided to look at care homes instead. Her name is down for one near him, but he is seriously ill with cancer at present so no way he can have mum near him, so I've moved her to a place near me.
So far she hasn't really settled, but it is the best place for her at the moment. It is obvious she can no longer look after herself, she keeps on making excuses not to have a shower for instance, and the home has loads of activities that she enjoys in the moment. When she first moved in I kept on saying that it was temporary as work was being done on her block of flats, which was sort of true, and then when it was sold that she'd be moving near my brother when a place was sorted. I've reined in on that one a bit as I'd like her to start seeing where she lives as her home. Will your mum be allowed to come and go as she pleases? Mum feels locked in as she can't go out by herself as she is on their dementia floor, but other residents on other floors can. Mum would be lost in two seconds of leaving, but if your mum isn't as advanced and there are shops nearby maybe she can see the home as a 'hotel' until a place is ready in sheltered accommodation.
As for the sheltered accommodation, the time for that might have passed. The new build place I went to see with my mum near my brother last year would have been ideal for her when she was in her eighties. As it was she was confused by the layout, would never have managed their system for using the washing machines, and would probably have been asked to leave as she would be likely to continue to be abusive to people she thought were stealing from her.
I'd be interested to hear how you get on.

 

[Feistywoman]

Hi, it sounds as if your Mum would struggle to navigate a new sheltered accommodation if she is isn’t coping too well at home. My Mum has recently gone into a care home and is struggling to settle. She has however been moved to the dementia unit and the staff feel that she is a bit more settled there. My Mum does know she has dementia but not to which degree and thinks she can cope perfectly well on her own. Like yours, she does not see herself as old and talks about the ‘poor souls’ at her day club (the home). My Mum doesn’t actually realise she’s in a care home and frequently asks to be dropped off home.
Everybody is different and you won’t know how your mum will settle until she’s in there. Guilt on your part will be awful (I speak from experience here), but as time passes it becomes more obvious that it’s the right thing.
These forums are fabulous and kind people on here have advised and reassured me many times, so ask away and let us how it goes.

 

[Sirena]

From everything you said, your mum needs supervision 24/7, which means a care home. Very few people acknowledge they have dementia, or need help, so you just have to arrange care on their behalf to keep them safe. A care home is always going to feel odd and unfamiliar to begin with (to both the person with dementia and their relatives) because It's so different from living in your own home. You may not believe it, but it does become the 'new normal' over time.

Whenever your mother moves to a CH - whether now or in a year's time - it's unlikely she will do it willingly. Even my mother, who is fairly amenable to accepting help, wanted to stay at home when it was clearly no longer possible. So you end up having to make hard decisions that you never wanted to make, unfortunately that's just the way it is. (My mother has now been in a care home for 18 months and loves it.)

See how your mother gets on in the CH, she may actually accept and even enjoy it when she settles in.

 

[Rosettastone57]

From everything you said, your mum needs supervision 24/7, which means a care home. Very few people acknowledge they have dementia, or need help, so you just have to arrange care on their behalf to keep them safe. A care home is always going to feel odd and unfamiliar to begin with (to both the person with dementia and their relatives) because It's so different from living in your own home. You may not believe it, but it does become the 'new normal' over time.

Whenever your mother moves to a CH - whether now or in a year's time - it's unlikely she will do it willingly. Even my mother, who is fairly amenable to accepting help, wanted to stay at home when it was clearly no longer possible. So you end up having to make hard decisions that you never wanted to make, unfortunately that's just the way it is. (My mother has now been in a care home for 18 months and loves it.)

See how your mother gets on in the CH, she may actually accept and even enjoy it when she settles in.

My mother-in-law never acknowledged the diagnosis, as far as she was concerned she had nothing wrong with her, in reality, she could do little for herself. She always refused point blank to go into care, so family waited for a crisis, which came eventually , she went into hospital. We used that change to organise a care home. We told her she needed to go into care to recuperate fully, blaming the doctors until she was better. Of course she was never going home. She would never have understood the reality of her situation

 

[father ted]

Hello,

You say that your Mum has gone down very fast this year, she forgets the front door is open and leaves food cooking on the hob unattended so it does not sound she is safe to be on her own. I also think that it would not be practical to have her with you if she would be on her own during the day plus you have young kids.
I think you know it is time for residential care that it why you have posted.

My Mum has been in residential care for over 18 months. I felt incredibly guilty about her going in because she lived with me for 8 years. How could I have done it when she still enjoyed us having visitors and chat away to them and make hilarious comments whilst watching TV. When she was refusing to eat, saying she wasn’t hungry-surely she was just asserting herself. She was emphatic that her dirty clothes that were stained and smelly only needed sponging down- she had done this when in her own home. Wanting her sleeping tablets at 5pm and wanting to go to bed at 5.30pm. When she was calling out to me & getting up several times a night and disturbing us all - Mum’s response was that she wasn’t hurting anyone, she didn’t know why I looked so glum and that she only needed a little help, albeit 7 times a night.
Her mood could change very quickly too and I’d be walking on eggshells.
Even writing it down now I can still justify her actions as self determination, I can still excuse what she said or did as merely her being ‘her’. How could I do it?

I could do it because I could no longer cope. Her needs far exceeded what I, a mere mortal, could manage ( I care full time for my daughter too).
18 months down the line, Mum is settled and reasonably happy. She has made a few friends, (there are a few she can’t stand to!) but living there now is her ‘normal’ and she accepts their routines, I visit frequently- I sometimes get drawn there even if I didn’t intend to go- I just feel the need to be with her for a while.

Guilt serves no purpose. The game has changed and you I am sure will do the best for your Mum, irrespective of any promises made before.

 

[Rosserk]

Hello,

You say that your Mum has gone down very fast this year, she forgets the front door is open and leaves food cooking on the hob unattended so it does not sound she is safe to be on her own. I also think that it would not be practical to have her with you if she would be on her own during the day plus you have young kids.
I think you know it is time for residential care that it why you have posted.

My Mum has been in residential care for over 18 months. I felt incredibly guilty about her going in because she lived with me for 8 years. How could I have done it when she still enjoyed us having visitors and chat away to them and make hilarious comments whilst watching TV. When she was refusing to eat, saying she wasn’t hungry-surely she was just asserting herself. She was emphatic that her dirty clothes that were stained and smelly only needed sponging down- she had done this when in her own home. Wanting her sleeping tablets at 5pm and wanting to go to bed at 5.30pm. When she was calling out to me & getting up several times a night and disturbing us all - Mum’s response was that she wasn’t hurting anyone, she didn’t know why I looked so glum and that she only needed a little help, albeit 7 times a night.
Her mood could change very quickly too and I’d be walking on eggshells.
Even writing it down now I can still justify her actions as self determination, I can still excuse what she said or did as merely her being ‘her’. How could I do it?

I could do it because I could no longer cope. Her needs far exceeded what I, a mere mortal, could manage ( I care full time for my daughter too).
18 months down the line, Mum is settled and reasonably happy. She has made a few friends, (there are a few she can’t stand to!) but living there now is her ‘normal’ and she accepts their routines, I visit frequently- I sometimes get drawn there even if I didn’t intend to go- I just feel the need to be with her for a while.

Guilt serves no purpose. The game has changed and you I am sure will do the best for your Mum, irrespective of any promises made before.

Hi you’ve just described my situation I can no longer cope with my mum and don’t know where to start with getting her into a care home. She can’t fund herself so I don’t know what to do if Social Services insist I keep her.

How did you sort everything ? X

 

[father ted]

Hello Rosserk,

Social Services can’t insist you keep her, you have no legal obligation to care (although like all Carers you will struggle with what you feel as an emotional and familial duty). Call social services and say you are struggling, ask for an assessment. When I was struggling I got very little help from Social Services although our local Mind service was excellent.
Mum refused to have Carers come in to help and I knew if I contacted social services they would offer 3 or 4 visits a day- all daylight hours but it was the night that was a nightmare for me when no one was around that I felt the loneliest.
Fortunately Mum at one point agreed to go into a home and I seized upon that and put the wheels in motion as I had visited many homes in the preceding months. Also Mum was self funding initially so I made the arrangements without having to consult or involve anyone else.

I hope you get the help you need- not what social services are prepared to offer you. Good Luck x

 

[Debs189]

Incredibly helpful conversation as I too am wavering about whether Mum needs to move into a care situation. She had a stepdrop in her vascular dementia recently which has slowed everything down. She sleeps for about 12 hours and watches TV for the rest. She won’t shower, has incontinence issues (although she is still hiding them so is aware of them), forgetting to eat, is very wobbly on her feet (she broke a wrist recently)... but calm, placid and happyish to see me. My younger brother lives with her so there is someone keeping an eye on her at night, but he has his own issues, so I can’t rely on him. And he will be out of a home if I have to sell hers for care fees. I guess I am waiting for the emergency situation that forces the issue. Just talking out loud to people who know what it feels like. Thanks ♥️

 

[Hickory dickory dock]

Incredibly helpful conversation as I too am wavering about whether Mum needs to move into a care situation. She had a stepdrop in her vascular dementia recently which has slowed everything down. She sleeps for about 12 hours and watches TV for the rest. She won’t shower, has incontinence issues (although she is still hiding them so is aware of them), forgetting to eat, is very wobbly on her feet (she broke a wrist recently)... but calm, placid and happyish to see me. My younger brother lives with her so there is someone keeping an eye on her at night, but he has his own issues, so I can’t rely on him. And he will be out of a home if I have to sell hers for care fees. I guess I am waiting for the emergency situation that forces the issue. Just talking out loud to people who know what it feels like. Thanks ♥️

Hello all.
Mum is 80, increasingly frail, and has mixed dementia, diagnosed this spring. She seems to have gone downhill incredibly quickly this year. We have been trying to buy a flat in a retirement block near me and her grandchildren, but there have been delays and delays. However, we've gone ahead with the sale of her house so she can be nearer to us and for the meantime she will be staying in a residential home that specialises in elderly and dementia care. It might be respite care for a couple of weeks or so, but also it might turn out to be a longer term plan, given her increasing need for support.
However, she strongly disagrees with her diagnosis and does not even really identify as elderly. We went to visit the care home yesterday so she could be assessed and she was horrified to see a place 'full of sad old ladies'. I'm a bit gutted because the previous time I'd visited, it had seemed a lot more upbeat and less like a care home - I guess afternoons are maybe a bit livelier than mornings. She was fine about it yesterday, chipper even, but I think she's just being brave for now and I'm really not sure how she'll respond to actually moving in.
I'm not sure what my question is really, but I just feel awful about all of this. I'm trying to do the right thing for her, because I want her to be safe and happy. On a good day, she's good. But she's very, very forgetful and has not been managing well on her own in her current/soon-to-be-former house, and I'm not convinced she'd be able to manage on her own in a new flat, even with daily carer visits (she often has refused to let them in in her current home). Having said all of that, she has been living on her own so I don't know if I'm being fair.
But I feel a bit like we've sprung this on her because she was expecting to move into a flat. She'd like to move in with me and my family, but my other half and I work so she'd be on her own quite a lot, and we have two small kids, a load of stairs and I worry about her being safe on her own here during the day and whether my household would be safe with her habits of leaving front doors open and letting food burn on the hob.
I wish there was a care home that didn't feel so much like a care home. What will I do if she hates it? I feel like I'm letting her down but I honestly can't see another solution that works right now.
If anyone has had a similar experience, or has any general advice, I'd really appreciate hearing it. Thanks so much.

Incredibly helpful conversation as I too am wavering about whether Mum needs to move into a care situation. She had a stepdrop in her vascular dementia recently which has slowed everything down. She sleeps for about 12 hours and watches TV for the rest. She won’t shower, has incontinence issues (although she is still hiding them so is aware of them), forgetting to eat, is very wobbly on her feet (she broke a wrist recently)... but calm, placid and happyish to see me. My younger brother lives with her so there is someone keeping an eye on her at night, but he has his own issues, so I can’t rely on him. And he will be out of a home if I have to sell hers for care fees. I guess I am waiting for the emergency situation that forces the issue. Just talking out loud to people who know what it feels like. Thanks ♥️

Incredibly helpful conversation as I too am wavering about whether Mum needs to move into a care situation. She had a stepdrop in her vascular dementia recently which has slowed everything down. She sleeps for about 12 hours and watches TV for the rest. She won’t shower, has incontinence issues (although she is still hiding them so is aware of them), forgetting to eat, is very wobbly on her feet (she broke a wrist recently)... but calm, placid and happyish to see me. My younger brother lives with her so there is someone keeping an eye on her at night, but he has his own issues, so I can’t rely on him. And he will be out of a home if I have to sell hers for care fees. I guess I am waiting for the emergency situation that forces the issue. Just talking out loud to people who know what it feels like. Thanks ♥️

My mother has vascular dementia, is a widow with 3 daughters, she lived close to me , my other sisters lived elsewhere. 18 months ago she became physically ill with heart problems which is when her dementia became apparent as she was unable to manage even the simplest drug regime so she came to live with me . She stayed 6 months. It was ok but she never knew what time of day it was or the date and often didn’t realise I was her daughter or where she was. She was letting herself go a bit and raiding the fridge for midnight treats and comfort ate by buying boxes of chocolates. My 2 sisters persuaded me it would be better long term for her to be in care as decline was inevitable. We looked seriously at an in between option of some self care but we realised it wasn’t a long term option and repeated upheaval was not a good idea. To stay with me would have meant a lot of ferrying about and different care people calling and holidays for me we’re going to be difficult. So all in all permanent residential care with dementia help was sought for. Social Services were totally unhelpful when they heard we’d be self funding.I was told to get on with it and find one myself. Not even any list of places provided! I went to lots locally , largely unsuitable as I wanted my mother to have her own bathroom facilities- she always had a hygiene obsession. I went by lots of word of mouth and the place I found was hinted at by a forum member on this site. It’s been great. The staff are lovely. The place is clean, the food’s good. Lots of activities suitable, she can choose what she wants to do. I visit frequently and take her out or back to my place. She’s always keen to get back to the home. She’s now always clean and tidy, dressing well and looking after herself better than she was on her own or with me. She is more sparky and happy, which is a lot to do with the company, the staff, the activities etc. So please don’t feel unhappy about residential care. Take time if you can to find the right place. Better to go in while she can enjoy the place before the dementia worsens. Tell some white lies if necessary. I told my mother I’d visit regularly and take her out. She knows she can come for a ‘ holiday “ with us but I don’t think she would want to, she likes the routine of the home. Good luck.

 

[pevensey]

My mother has vascular dementia, is a widow with 3 daughters, she lived close to me , my other sisters lived elsewhere. 18 months ago she became physically ill with heart problems which is when her dementia became apparent as she was unable to manage even the simplest drug regime so she came to live with me . She stayed 6 months. It was ok but she never knew what time of day it was or the date and often didn’t realise I was her daughter or where she was. She was letting herself go a bit and raiding the fridge for midnight treats and comfort ate by buying boxes of chocolates. My 2 sisters persuaded me it would be better long term for her to be in care as decline was inevitable. We looked seriously at an in between option of some self care but we realised it wasn’t a long term option and repeated upheaval was not a good idea. To stay with me would have meant a lot of ferrying about and different care people calling and holidays for me we’re going to be difficult. So all in all permanent residential care with dementia help was sought for. Social Services were totally unhelpful when they heard we’d be self funding.I was told to get on with it and find one myself. Not even any list of places provided! I went to lots locally , largely unsuitable as I wanted my mother to have her own bathroom facilities- she always had a hygiene obsession. I went by lots of word of mouth and the place I found was hinted at by a forum member on this site. It’s been great. The staff are lovely. The place is clean, the food’s good. Lots of activities suitable, she can choose what she wants to do. I visit frequently and take her out or back to my place. She’s always keen to get back to the home. She’s now always clean and tidy, dressing well and looking after herself better than she was on her own or with me. She is more sparky and happy, which is a lot to do with the company, the staff, the activities etc. So please don’t feel unhappy about residential care. Take time if you can to find the right place. Better to go in while she can enjoy the place before the dementia worsens. Tell some white lies if necessary. I told my mother I’d visit regularly and take her out. She knows she can come for a ‘ holiday “ with us but I don’t think she would want to, she likes the routine of the home. Good luck.

There have been some really interesting posts on this thread than @daughter 7935 started, I think I'm in this predicament of seriously thinking of a care home for hubby, as I've put on here recently Henin hospital at the moment just over a week now, after having 3 bad falls in 1 morning , the paramedics took him tp hospital as they said he was a danger to himself and I couldn't get him up when he fell. The hospital plan is to discharge him to a rehabilitation place, that was when I said I wasnt happy for him to come home, as he hadn't been able to do any walking in hospital, not even to bathroom. BUT, I feel like Im drowning and at the end have lost my coping energy levels, I feel like I want a life for me in my last hopefully 8-10 yrs, I'm 78 next month. The rehabilitation centre hes going to is attached to a care home and I keep thinking if he settles in the rehab centre maybe I could
" quietly " suggest to someone he stays in care home. How does all that work, how do we throw in the towel to get someone in care home, do SW aggree or is there a lot of meetings and do they try to persuade you to keep PWD at home, he wouldn't be self funding, I think of him coming home and I have panic attacks. When I visit him in hospital and it takes me 2 buses and hour n half to get there, after 10 mins he tells me to go home and that he was quite happy till I got there !!! I know it's what I need to do and to keep hubby safe, and with him being in rehab connected to care home it might be easier for him to adjust quietly from one to the other. My brain is telling me all this but my heart is disagreeing

 

[Rosserk]

There have been some really interesting posts on this thread than @daughter 7935 started, I think I'm in this predicament of seriously thinking of a care home for hubby, as I've put on here recently Henin hospital at the moment just over a week now, after having 3 bad falls in 1 morning , the paramedics took him tp hospital as they said he was a danger to himself and I couldn't get him up when he fell. The hospital plan is to discharge him to a rehabilitation place, that was when I said I wasnt happy for him to come home, as he hadn't been able to do any walking in hospital, not even to bathroom. BUT, I feel like Im drowning and at the end have lost my coping energy levels, I feel like I want a life for me in my last hopefully 8-10 yrs, I'm 78 next month. The rehabilitation centre hes going to is attached to a care home and I keep thinking if he settles in the rehab centre maybe I could
" quietly " suggest to someone he stays in care home. How does all that work, how do we throw in the towel to get someone in care home, do SW aggree or is there a lot of meetings and do they try to persuade you to keep PWD at home, he wouldn't be self funding, I think of him coming home and I have panic attacks. When I visit him in hospital and it takes me 2 buses and hour n half to get there, after 10 mins he tells me to go home and that he was quite happy till I got there !!! I know it's what I need to do and to keep hubby safe, and with him being in rehab connected to care home it might be easier for him to adjust quietly from one to the other. My brain is telling me all this but my heart is disagreeing

I’m in exactly the same position as you only with my mother. I really can’t cope a minute longer but I can’t find anyone to help me. My mother is relentless she never gives me a minutes peace she expects me to be on my feet all day and night and I physically can’t do it because I’m not well enough physically she is fitter than I am. Every day without fail she will hide her handbag then she will go hysterical until I find it. Today I tried to find it but I was so sick I could barely stand but she forgets there’s anything wrong with me because she doesn’t retain any information for more than a couple of seconds. My son and my husband both looked for it and we simply couldn’t find it, I literally have no idea where it could be. Even if we found it there would be something else. She will ask me the same questions over and over again, until I get up and struggle out of the room and lock myself in the toilet and even then she will wait outside. I am really sad she has dementia and I feel so sorry for her but I can’t make her happy and my life is miserable. My father had dementia for ten years and I dealt with him daily until three years ago when he was sectioned. My husband is a complete saint he never complains and is really supportive but we haven’t had a holiday in 6 years we have no time alone together and my health is so poor I fear I will die before she does.

 

[Rosserk]

Hello Rosserk,

Social Services can’t insist you keep her, you have no legal obligation to care (although like all Carers you will struggle with what you feel as an emotional and familial duty). Call social services and say you are struggling, ask for an assessment. When I was struggling I got very little help from Social Services although our local Mind service was excellent.
Mum refused to have Carers come in to help and I knew if I contacted social services they would offer 3 or 4 visits a day- all daylight hours but it was the night that was a nightmare for me when no one was around that I felt the loneliest.
Fortunately Mum at one point agreed to go into a home and I seized upon that and put the wheels in motion as I had visited many homes in the preceding months. Also Mum was self funding initially so I made the arrangements without having to consult or involve anyone else.

I hope you get the help you need- not what social services are prepared to offer you. Good Luck x

I’m so sorry I didn’t see your post thank you for taking time to reply.

If I phone social services they will come to my home do an assessment and then disappear for weeks leaving me to deal with my mother. She still has awareness of what’s going on around her and keeps begging me not to put her in a home. She sobs constantly and my life will be hell while they take their time sorting things out. I read what I’m writing and I hate myself but I really fear I will end up hating her if she doesn’t go into a care home. I don’t have a life and my health is poor, I am pushing 60 and I’ve had this for the last three years and I can’t do it anymore.

 

[pevensey]

I’m so sorry I didn’t see your post thank you for taking time to reply.

If I phone social services they will come to my home do an assessment and then disappear for weeks leaving me to deal with my mother. She still has awareness of what’s going on around her and keeps begging me not to put her in a home. She sobs constantly and my life will be hell while they take their time sorting things out. I read what I’m writing and I hate myself but I really fear I will end up hating her if she doesn’t go into a care home. I don’t have a life and my health is poor, I am pushing 60 and I’ve had this for the last three years and I can’t do it anymore.

@Rosserk, you could be me writing that, I'm completely at the end of my tether. I'm so tired, in pain, I had major abdominal surgery 18 months ago and was told not to do heavy lifting anytime in the future but after last weeks trauma and 3 big falls in one morning I now hurt all round my back and abdomen, I'm so worried the mesh has slipped after the surgery. Dr app monday. The thought of hubby coming home is difficult. When I go to visit him which is most days with 2 buses to get there, hes not very nice to me, so I dont stop long. BUT even after all that the GUILT FAIRY keeps me awake at night and wont let me relax during the day. It's an ongoing nightmare, knowing what to do, eg, what I want to do or what I should do. I feel ill and tired.

 

[canary]

@Rosserk
I am very concerned for you. Please phone social services and ask for urgent respite placement as you have reached carers breakdown/illness and are no longer able to care for her. Tell them like it is and dont hold it back.
You have got to have a break while you decide on the future.
xx

 

[pevensey]

@Rosserk
I am very concerned for you. Please phone social services and ask for urgent respite placement as you have reached carers breakdown/illness and are no longer able to care for her. Tell them like it is and dont hold it back.
You have got to have a break while you decide on the future.
xx

@Rosserk, please do as Canary says, she always seems to know what shes talking about and offers good advice. As I always say
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, goodluck hope it goes in right direction for you.

 

[Rosserk]

@Rosserk
I am very concerned for you. Please phone social services and ask for urgent respite placement as you have reached carers breakdown/illness and are no longer able to care for her. Tell them like it is and dont hold it back.
You have got to have a break while you decide on the future.
xx

Thank you you’re right but I don’t think I can do it.
I am so frightened about how they would arrange it. I have visions of them dragging her out and her begging me hysterically to let her stay and I think that will finally destroy me. Everyday is ground hog day it never stops I just keep praying she will have to go into hospital for a minor illness and I can refuse to have her home and it will all be over but I’m not sure that will ever happen. I’m going into hospital on Wednesday to have and operation on my foot, I have a double fracture that needs a surgical repair and I know when I get home it will be a nightmare because she won’t let me be and will carry on until I get up and look for her hand bag get her a drink find her remote control etc!

 

[Rosettastone57]

Thank you you’re right but I don’t think I can do it.
I am so frightened about how they would arrange it. I have visions of them dragging her out and her begging me hysterically to let her stay and I think that will finally destroy me. Everyday is ground hog day it never stops I just keep praying she will have to go into hospital for a minor illness and I can refuse to have her home and it will all be over but I’m not sure that will ever happen. I’m going into hospital on Wednesday to have and operation on my foot, I have a double fracture that needs a surgical repair and I know when I get home it will be a nightmare because she won’t let me be and will carry on until I get up and look for her hand bag get her a drink find her remote control etc!

If you're going to be in hospital and then recuperate at home,this is exactly the situation where you need to contact social services regarding respite. Seriously, you need to look after your own health.