My mum’s just sacked her home help

[Nickinotnikki]

My 83yo mum who is fiercely independent and recently diagnosed with vascular dementia has ‘sacked’ the home help I’d just put in place (3xweek) a couple of weeks ago.

She blames her for breaking the washing machine and the dishwasher amongst other things and seems to think she can do a better job herself (she can’t).

I know this is probably just because she doesn’t want any help ... but this is now going to make it doubly difficult for her to accept any help in the future. The home help was to get her used to someone coming in regularly before we moved to daily care as I live 100 miles away.

Has anyone got any advice on the sort of words I can use to get her to accept help?

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Nickinotnikki

How frustrating for you! It took a few attempts to find the right excuse to get my dad to accept help but eventually I asked him if he’d mind if a friend of mine, who was looking for a little job, came to help him with the housework and gardening cos she needed a bit of pin money.
I think it helped that I went round the first couple of times to reinforce the “friend of mine” tale.
At first she’d have a cuppa and a chat and dad gradually accepted her help - although he did used to tell her off as I was going to do everything for him when I got there ...you have to be sneaky!

You’ll never convince your mum she’s not coping so it’s a case of finding some reason she’ll accept.

Hopefully others will have more ideas.

 

[Grannie G]

Being charitable by giving a friend a little job is a brilliant idea from @Bunpoots.

I wish I`d thought of it in the past because I had similar problems with my mother.

I have help in the house now and always make sure I have something to do while my cleaner is working. I change the bed or tidy the garage etc. worthwhile tasks which mean I don`t sit around while someone else is doing my housework.

I think this may be a problem for people with dementia. It could be difficult for them to know what to do while this `stranger` is in their home. Perhaps they feel it is being taken over, is intrusive or even demeaning.

@Nickinotnikki. I hope giving a friend a job works for you.

 

[Palerider]

My 83yo mum who is fiercely independent and recently diagnosed with vascular dementia has ‘sacked’ the home help I’d just put in place (3xweek) a couple of weeks ago.

She blames her for breaking the washing machine and the dishwasher amongst other things and seems to think she can do a better job herself (she can’t).

I know this is probably just because she doesn’t want any help ... but this is now going to make it doubly difficult for her to accept any help in the future. The home help was to get her used to someone coming in regularly before we moved to daily care as I live 100 miles away.

Has anyone got any advice on the sort of words I can use to get her to accept help?

I feel your pain. Mum's 80 and exactly the same on the independence front, thinks she's doing fine but not

Mum sacked the cleaner ages ago. We currently have a visit once a day to try to get her to 'come round' to carers, this is because two visits a day distressed her. Luckily I don't live 100 miles away. Trying to get her to accept them has been a challenge. As Bunpoots as suggested, I've tried every tactic. Now they come everyday regardless if she sends them packing, often they look through the window to make sure she's ok and get her to talk to them (by opening a window) -which she does and is an improvement.

 

[Sirena]

It's really difficult. Like you, I lived a long distance from my mother (Alzheimers) so I couldn't accompany anyone to settle them in - fortunately she liked her carers and accepted it.

My mother was self-funded and I sourced carers via an agency - I never called them carers! They were nice ladies who helped her out. They did everything she needed which included cleaning, laundry, taking her shopping and to appointments. As time went on they helped her with dressing and other personal care. So that might be a route to go down - they could start off softly-softly as home helps. A good agency will try to send one or two regular carers so your mother gets used to them. In the early days there was one carer my mother grumbled about and the agency quickly took her off the rota. She really liked her two main carers and she enjoyed spending time with them. The Care Director of the agency was very proactive and helpful, any issues were sorted out quickly. It was useful to have someone 'on the ground' as I lived so far away.

The agency had a set of keys so they could always get in if there was an emergency, but we also installed a key safe to make it even easier.

 

[Rosettastone57]

My 83yo mum who is fiercely independent and recently diagnosed with vascular dementia has ‘sacked’ the home help I’d just put in place (3xweek) a couple of weeks ago.

She blames her for breaking the washing machine and the dishwasher amongst other things and seems to think she can do a better job herself (she can’t).

I know this is probably just because she doesn’t want any help ... but this is now going to make it doubly difficult for her to accept any help in the future. The home help was to get her used to someone coming in regularly before we moved to daily care as I live 100 miles away.

Has anyone got any advice on the sort of words I can use to get her to accept help?

My mother-in-law had carers in 3 times a day, she was self funding and I arranged it so that they started at first in the morning to get her breakfast. She didn't want them, of course as far as she was concerned she could do anything herself. The reality was she could do very little for herself.

I told her that the agency sent the carers to her ,so that they could learn how to look after people properly as a training exercise, before being sent to people who really needed help and had dementia. I told her she would help enormously with their training and she could advise them how to interact with older people. Of course the agency were in on the ruse. I told her the carers were not negotiable, they would always be coming whether she liked it or not. Otherwise the carers wouldn't be able to ever get a job looking after the "ill" people. Of course she was rude and aggressive to us,but we just ignored it. She always blamed the carers for everything going wrong and I just used to say I would deal with it with the agency. Not easy I know

 

[Nickinotnikki]

My mother-in-law had carers in 3 times a day, she was self funding and I arranged it so that they started at first in the morning to get her breakfast. She didn't want them, of course as far as she was concerned she could do anything herself. The reality was she could do very little for herself.

I told her that the agency sent the carers to her ,so that they could learn how to look after people properly as a training exercise, before being sent to people who really needed help and had dementia. I told her she would help enormously with their training and she could advise them how to interact with older people. Of course the agency were in on the ruse. I told her the carers were not negotiable, they would always be coming whether she liked it or not. Otherwise the carers wouldn't be able to ever get a job looking after the "ill" people. Of course she was rude and aggressive to us,but we just ignored it. She always blamed the carers for everything going wrong and I just used to say I would deal with it with the agency. Not easy I know

This is a possibility ... thanks!