some advice please

[MrsChristmas]

My mum is nearly 94 and lives on her own with no help because she has refused offers of support. It's a long story that has been going on since 2015. I believe that she is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's.

My sibling runs Mum's home from his home miles away and he visits every three months to clear up Mum's home because she doesn't manage to keep on top of things. I tend to deal with emergencies as I run a business that takes up a lot of my time.

Thanks to the help and advice from this forum (which has been a life saver) I have now managed to get Mum's GP involved through liaising with Adult Social Care - who have been very supportive and helpful. I don't think we are really any further forward but the worst case is that the wheels have been put in motion, the best case is that the GP will get involved and visit mum.

There have been two triggers this year - mum was found wandering about a month ago and my daughter being shocked by the deterioration in her grandmother.

Mum agreed for my brother and me to be part of an LPA to help manage Mum's finances which my brother has taken over but we don't have a Health & Welfare LPA for Mum. This has caused a bit of problem for the GP and Social Care apparently. Mum has made clear on her medical records that she doesn't want me involved in any aspect of her health care - I don't know if this applies to my brother.

About two years ago I was very worried about Mum's physical and mental health and, when I was more involved in her care, I asked if it would be possible for a GP to visit Mum to check that she was okay as she would not go to a GP. The Surgery gave me two forms to fill in (one for my brother and one for me) for Mum but she would not sign them and they are still on Mum's dining room table today.

Social Care have explained that, as there is no Health & Welfare LPA in place nor any signed forms for the GP's surgery means that Data Protection rules apply. At the moment the GP is considering whether to agree for my brother to visit with the GP (I can't be involved). My brother doesn't know the situation as well as I do (geography - it's difficult for him to visit often) but he has agreed to go with the GP, if necessary, which I am really pleased about. I have made Social Care aware of the situation (as I see it - as i live next door).

Mum's health is deteriorating by the month - she can't walk very well, very deaf, can't see too well and very bad memory but she is hanging on because she is terrified of being 'taken into a care home'. We have told her many times that we would prefer her stay where she but just accept some help but she says that she could not bear anyone coming into her home on a regular basis.

Mum is very off-hand with me these days because I have not been around as much in the past year to help her as I used to and cannot seem to accept that I work long hours and cannot always be around to support her.

If the GP does decide to visit Mum and thinks she needs help how will this work if Mum continues to refuse?

I don't think I will be invited to come along when or if the GP visits because Mum doesn't want me involved now. If my brother is invited I suspect that he will not discuss this with me as he will respect Mum's wishes.

 

[maryjoan]

This is really tricky - but you say you live next door to Mum - if I understand correctly - she is 94, and you haven't been round as much this year as you work long hours..... disregard Mum's state of health - she is still 94 and could pop her clogs at anytime.

I worked long hours and was almost 300 miles away when my Mum was in her 90's and we had a 3 rings system - I would ring her and the let it ring 3 times, she would return the signal and I knew she was up and about and ok. Same in the evening at bed time. And we spoke at least once or twice during the day. I saw it as me partially repaying her for the care she had shown me as a baby and growing up. Mum would not accept help as she was fiercely independent, but my brother arranged a cleaner to go in every week, as we convinced her it would be easier than her trying to get down on her knees to do the skirting boards!

My partner now has dementia - I gave up my job to care for him when he had major surgery and reduced us to almost penury. I am now back working part time from my home.

Maybe you and your brother could make some sort of arrangements for subtle supervision of Mum. She probably just sees herself as old, and not with dementia - and if she is in the middle stages, well, old age might see her off first. Your mind will be easier, and your life, if you can just arrange something - at the very least, given her age, Social Services should be seeing her as a vulnerable adult and be involved and not just have Mum puddling around on her own, not signing forms etc etc. Does Mum not have any friends who could keep a weather eye on her for you? Would she not go to any local groups for older people - lunch clubs or similar. Most towns and villages have something for people with dementia or of your Mum's age.

Another thought would be to suggest to Mum that her home needs some sort of maintenance or decorating and you and your brother have arranged for her to go 'on holiday' whilst it is done - and book her into a care home. It may well be that she will love it there, and not want to go home again - just a thought. I have others on here say they have done this and that their PWD is happy with the new arrangements.

Perhaps you could have a word with Age Concern and they could point you in the right direction for some kind of social activity - maybe get a cleaner in while Mum is out ?

Good Luck with all this and I hope it works out for all 3 of you.

 

[MrsChristmas]

Thank you Maryjoan for taking the time to reply. I will give your suggestions some thought, thank you.

Mum has no friends. Where we live is very remote - with one shop a mile away. She is not a 'joiner' and has refused to anything that I have suggested - thanks to the local Age Concern- they were very helpful. The only time she would go out (after my father died) is if me or my brother take her out.

She is now very deaf, cannot walk very far, her eyesight is deteriorating due to Glaucoma and cannot hear the phone or get to it in time. It is probably too late to suggest calling mum every day because I don't think she'll answer the phone now.

Mum has refused all outside help and flatly refuses anyone coming into her home on a regular basis. She hates it if 'workmen' (this is what she calls Electricians and Plumbers..professionals) have come in and do anything for her. If there is a problem my brother has to broach the subject of repairs very gently or she gets stroppy.

We have mentioned that her home is getting a bit scruffy and could do with a makeover and all Mum will say that it's okay and there's nothing wrong with it.

We have suggested home helps, cleaners, helpers and befrienders - all turned down.

Mum is not one of those parents that you can easily persuade to do anything she doesn't want to. I know that this might be hard to comprehend if you have a parent that readily agrees to anything you suggest but Mum is not amenable and everything we suggest is usually met with refusal or 'ill think about it'.

I used to look out for my Mum from when my father died until in 2012 until 2016 as she lived next door. I found that, in the end, I was running two homes (I have no partner and live on my own - I'm 63). It was exhausting, stressful and hard work and lead to depression as I had no life of my own. To save my sanity I started up a business doing something I love and I get to meet other people.

I try to see Mum as much as I can - she came for dinner a week ago.

Sibling lives miles away and comes to visit every few months to help mum with chores.

I am hoping that when or if the GP decides to visit (red tape permitting) that he decides that Mum should accept help. If she refuses then.... Hence my original question.

Thank you for your suggestions.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Thank you Maryjoan for taking the time to reply. I will give your suggestions some thought, thank you.

Mum has no friends. Where we live is very remote - with one shop a mile away. She is not a 'joiner' and has refused to anything that I have suggested - thanks to the local Age Concern- they were very helpful. The only time she would go out (after my father died) is if me or my brother take her out.

She is now very deaf, cannot walk very far, her eyesight is deteriorating due to Glaucoma and cannot hear the phone or get to it in time. It is probably too late to suggest calling mum every day because I don't think she'll answer the phone now.

Mum has refused all outside help and flatly refuses anyone coming into her home on a regular basis. She hates it if 'workmen' (this is what she calls Electricians and Plumbers..professionals) have come in and do anything for her. If there is a problem my brother has to broach the subject of repairs very gently or she gets stroppy.

We have mentioned that her home is getting a bit scruffy and could do with a makeover and all Mum will say that it's okay and there's nothing wrong with it.

We have suggested home helps, cleaners, helpers and befrienders - all turned down.

Mum is not one of those parents that you can easily persuade to do anything she doesn't want to. I know that this might be hard to comprehend if you have a parent that readily agrees to anything you suggest but Mum is not amenable and everything we suggest is usually met with refusal or 'ill think about it'.

I used to look out for my Mum from when my father died until in 2012 until 2016 as she lived next door. I found that, in the end, I was running two homes (I have no partner and live on my own - I'm 63). It was exhausting, stressful and hard work and lead to depression as I had no life of my own. To save my sanity I started up a business doing something I love and I get to meet other people.

I try to see Mum as much as I can - she came for dinner a week ago.

Sibling lives miles away and comes to visit every few months to help mum with chores.

I am hoping that when or if the GP decides to visit (red tape permitting) that he decides that Mum should accept help. If she refuses then.... Hence my original question.

Thank you for your suggestions.

My mother-in-law used to say that...."I'll think about it". We knew of course that meant nothing would ever change. No magic answers I'm afraid, you're in such a difficult situation.