My mom had a neuro-psych evaluation, and will learn this week she has "significant impairment"

[Piper2019]

This has been a long road but next week I will be going with my mom to get the results of her neuro-psych evaluation. The test was over two days and took almost five hours. I called the doctors office to see if he would mention getting durable POA because my mom is VERY resistant to anyone controlling her money but she can barely do her online banking anymore and keeps making many mistakes and forgets how to log in, forgets passwords, etc..

Anyhow the doctor called me back and told me that he was already planning to bring up the DPOA at our meeting. He shared with me that my mom has "significant impairment" based on the testing and analysis. Of course I already knew this because she lives right next to me and I see her daily. This will be the first time that a doctor will be telling her that she has dementia. I have never used that word to her, and just knowing this appointment is coming up is giving me crushing anxiety and depression. I'm so worried about my mom's reaction and having to face she has this horrible disease. I swear a cancer diagnosis would be better than this! My mom is losing her mind on a daily basis and I'm having a really hard time coping.

One of my many fears is she will refuse to do the DPOA with me and then I will have to eventually petition the court for guardianship. I'm in the US and from what I understand petitioning for guardianship is a costly and lengthy process.

I'm trying to get my "ducks in a row" the best I can, but what can I do if my mom doesn't cooperate? I'm so worried about the future and how this will get even worse. I started counseling for depression but so far it's not helping. Nothing can/will change that my mom has this horrible thing happening to her and both of our lives are forever changed. (for the worse)

I just needed to get this out. I'm not coping very well and aside from my husband I don't have much support. It's difficult to talk to friends, and in the last year I've begun to isolate because of it.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Cat27]

@Piper2019 TP is the perfect way to get it out & you'll get lots of support here.

 

[karaokePete]

It may be worth thinking like the medical profession.

So many times I read on the forum that the ‘D’ word shouldn’t be used. Some medics, like my wife’s Consultant, are blunt about using the word as they feel the knowledge empowers the person to help themselves if they are at a stage where they still can. I agree with the medics on this one and use my wife’s knowledge of her condition to help me persuade her to stay active physically and mentally in her own interests. It doesn’t always work, but it does help at times.

Some will say that it’s pointless to tell the person as they will forget. However, many will acknowledge that negative emotions can be retained by a person with dementia. My wife’s short term memory is shot to pieces but she retains the memory of her diagnosis as she was so shocked by it and felt so negative towards the Consultant after being told.

Try to tell your mom this and persuade her that if she sets up things like PoA she is helping herself by giving someone she trusts to give her a helping hand if she ever needs it. Sell the ‘empowerment’ angle.

It’s all very difficult and I wish you and your mum all the best at this time.

 

[canary]

You dont know what her reaction will be. My mum didnt react at all when the doctor told her (gently) that she had Alzheimers. It went completely over her head and she never acknowledged that she had Alzheimers.

Just see what happens.

 

[Lawson58]

When my husband got his diagnosis, the geriatrician told him that he was in the early stages of Alzheimer's and I know now that he feels obliged to do this, then it is up to the patient to do what they want with that information. As you know from Talking Point, some people with dementia have insight into their condition while most others choose to pretend that they don't have any problems at all.

The geriatrician at our consults takes his lead from my husband and I don't believe that he has mentioned Alzheimer's to him again. My husband is slipping very slowly so it easy for the doctor to be pretty positive and up beat with him.

If your mum's doctor is going to discuss the POA with her, there is a good chance that he might be more successful than you. People with dementia frequently go into default mode and resist anything that you as her carer/support person might try to organize for her. I hope that it works out for you but it sounds as if it needs to be done soon.

When my husband went to get the diagnosis, the geriatrician had POA forms and end of life directive papers on hand to give us. My husband and I had already done the POAs after he had a cardiac arrest a few months earlier but refused to even think about the end of life directive then and still does.

 

[Grannie G]

When my husband was diagnosed his very sensitive consultant told him he was going to prescribe some medication in the hope it would help. As soon as the medication was named I knew it was for Alzheimer`s but my husband didn't. We never mentioned Alzheimer`s or dementia until my husband asked me what was wrong with him.

By then, although he was shocked, he didn`t appreciate the significance.

We were able to take out a joint POA.

When my mother had Alzheimer`s, because I was next of kin she agreed readily to a POA. I told her it would be helpful in case she became ill, incapacitated or hospitalised in the future and doctors etc. would listen to me on her behalf.

 

[BlueFox]

It is a very difficult decision, but my Mom knew from the outset that she was being assessed for dementia and then was part of the discussion about how we prepare. We both found this helpful, because at this stage, when Mom wasn’t too bad, we were able to be honest with each other. This made life a little easier. It also meant the when Mom became distressed because she couldn’t do things or wanted to know what was happening to her I could reassure her it was the Alzheimer’s and to try not to worry. This worked very well and reduced her anxiety quite a lot.
It is not going to be easy, be but openness works if you can find away.

 

[Piper2019]

It may be worth thinking like the medical profession.

So many times I read on the forum that the ‘D’ word shouldn’t be used. Some medics, like my wife’s Consultant, are blunt about using the word as they feel the knowledge empowers the person to help themselves if they are at a stage where they still can. I agree with the medics on this one and use my wife’s knowledge of her condition to help me persuade her to stay active physically and mentally in her own interests. It doesn’t always work, but it does help at times.

Some will say that it’s pointless to tell the person as they will forget. However, many will acknowledge that negative emotions can be retained by a person with dementia. My wife’s short term memory is shot to pieces but she retains the memory of her diagnosis as she was so shocked by it and felt so negative towards the Consultant after being told.

Try to tell your mom this and persuade her that if she sets up things like PoA she is helping herself by giving someone she trusts to give her a helping hand if she ever needs it. Sell the ‘empowerment’ angle.

It’s all very difficult and I wish you and your mum all the best at this time.

Thank you. I've been thinking about this non-stop and given my mom's life long bullheadedness and personality of "I do things MY way" I've decided that being honest is probably the best way to go. The dementia is definitely there, but she is not so far gone yet that she can't understand anything.

I'm going to remind her that the DPOA only gets used if she needs me to use it. Kind of like a "just in case" explanation. If she still resists, then I am going to appeal to her sense of concern for ME, if she has any, and tell her this is important to me because if will calm my worries.

My mom has already had one stroke, and knows that things can change in an instant. I will remind her of that too.

If she STILL refuses, then I am considering getting tough with her, and telling her if she doesn't give me some basic, sane cooperation then she can find care elsewhere.

It's the only way I know to flip the powers of control here. I'm sick of this demented person having all the control when my entire life has been turned inside out trying to take care of her.

It's both amazing and disturbing to me that old parent/child dynamics can come back to haunt you years after you thought you had them resolved. My mom is a life long narcissist and I suffered greatly due to her "parenting". My entire life I have never been able to be assertive with this woman, and that needs to change if I am to survive this.

Whew! Another wall of text. Thankfully I have a counselor appointment tomorrow before my mom's appointment Tues. I hope it helps empower me to handle this the best way possible.

 

[Piper2019]

When my husband got his diagnosis, the geriatrician told him that he was in the early stages of Alzheimer's and I know now that he feels obliged to do this, then it is up to the patient to do what they want with that information. As you know from Talking Point, some people with dementia have insight into their condition while most others choose to pretend that they don't have any problems at all.

The geriatrician at our consults takes his lead from my husband and I don't believe that he has mentioned Alzheimer's to him again. My husband is slipping very slowly so it easy for the doctor to be pretty positive and up beat with him.

If your mum's doctor is going to discuss the POA with her, there is a good chance that he might be more successful than you. People with dementia frequently go into default mode and resist anything that you as her carer/support person might try to organize for her. I hope that it works out for you but it sounds as if it needs to be done soon.

When my husband went to get the diagnosis, the geriatrician had POA forms and end of life directive papers on hand to give us. My husband and I had already done the POAs after he had a cardiac arrest a few months earlier but refused to even think about the end of life directive then and still does.

Thank you and I am sorry about your husband. I hope your husband's progress will be very slow and you have many more happy moments together.

In my case I agree with you that the DPOA needs to be done soon. Some of the slips I see are really scaring me. Here is an example- my mom went to beauty school when she was about 15 and cut hair for a couple years. I never remember her cutting her kids hair, but knew at one time she went to beauty school. So she's looking at me telling me she can get a "rinse" for my hair and get rid of the grey. Meanwhile my hair is brown. I have like three grey hairs. My husband was stumped. Then she briefly reminisced about beauty school and then said my DAD also went to beauty school and cut hair for a living. THAT NEVER HAPPENED. So yeah... I feel a real sense of urgency to get this done, to say the least.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello again @Piper2019, don’t worry about long posts. The forum exists for these situations.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. Sometimes limiting, or guiding, choices for a person with dementia is the best way forward as they often lose the ability to decide things for themselves.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Lawson58]

Thank you and I am sorry about your husband. I hope your husband's progress will be very slow and you have many more happy moments together.

In my case I agree with you that the DPOA needs to be done soon. Some of the slips I see are really scaring me. Here is an example- my mom went to beauty school when she was about 15 and cut hair for a couple years. I never remember her cutting her kids hair, but knew at one time she went to beauty school. So she's looking at me telling me she can get a "rinse" for my hair and get rid of the grey. Meanwhile my hair is brown. I have like three grey hairs. My husband was stumped. Then she briefly reminisced about beauty school and then said my DAD also went to beauty school and cut hair for a living. THAT NEVER HAPPENED. So yeah... I feel a real sense of urgency to get this done, to say the least.

Yes, it certainly sounds as if you need to get it done soon.

My husband would only agree to completing POAs if we did them together and was each other's attorney. I also had my children on them so it didn't make any difference ultimately but it was the only way he would agree. Perhaps you could try something similar.

 

[canary]

Yes, it certainly sounds as if you need to get it done soon.

My husband would only agree to completing POAs if we did them together and was each other's attorney. I also had my children on them so it didn't make any difference ultimately but it was the only way he would agree. Perhaps you could try something similar.

That is exactly what I did too.