Now refusing carers

[Feistywoman]

Think I tempted fate.....my Mum has had carers for the grand total of 10 days...twice a day, quick med check in the morning then to heat up a meal at night. She now wants me to cancel them as ‘she didn’t bloody agree to this’ and sees no need for them. I tried to explain this give us all a bit of security and it was early days but she’s adamant. I’ve gone through the fact that I can no longer sustain a visit every night which apparently is fine! Sadly I then entered flounce mode and told her that I’d do it. I’ve no idea how to progress with this, I’ve tried reasoning telling her how it will benefit her, how it will help her keep her independence, telling how hard I’m finding it and then yes, flouncing all to no avail. Anyone any ideas?

 

[Beate]

I would simply nod, agree with her and do nothing. If asked again, say you have but they have a long notice period to work. She might get used to them after a while, but reasoning will never work.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Think I tempted fate.....my Mum has had carers for the grand total of 10 days...twice a day, quick med check in the morning then to heat up a meal at night. She now wants me to cancel them as ‘she didn’t bloody agree to this’ and sees no need for them. I tried to explain this give us all a bit of security and it was early days but she’s adamant. I’ve gone through the fact that I can no longer sustain a visit every night which apparently is fine! Sadly I then entered flounce mode and told her that I’d do it. I’ve no idea how to progress with this, I’ve tried reasoning telling her how it will benefit her, how it will help her keep her independence, telling how hard I’m finding it and then yes, flouncing all to no avail. Anyone any ideas?

I have read posts on here where carers have been successfully accepted if the PWD is told that the carers are free and that they are grateful for the work experience and they are training before they can take on real paid work.

Make your mum think she is doing them a favour.

 

[canary]

Dont try reasoning with her - it doesnt work with dementia as logic is lost and will just make her angry. In her mind she can do everything and therefore doesnt need them

Find some reason (aka little white lie) for her to accept them, other than the fact she needs them. I like Beates solution

 

[Rosettastone57]

Think I tempted fate.....my Mum has had carers for the grand total of 10 days...twice a day, quick med check in the morning then to heat up a meal at night. She now wants me to cancel them as ‘she didn’t bloody agree to this’ and sees no need for them. I tried to explain this give us all a bit of security and it was early days but she’s adamant. I’ve gone through the fact that I can no longer sustain a visit every night which apparently is fine! Sadly I then entered flounce mode and told her that I’d do it. I’ve no idea how to progress with this, I’ve tried reasoning telling her how it will benefit her, how it will help her keep her independence, telling how hard I’m finding it and then yes, flouncing all to no avail. Anyone any ideas?

My mother-in-law had carers for 3 years and during the whole time she told us all the time that she didn't need them . She was perfectly capable of doing everything, the reality was she could do nothing for herself. My husband told her it was simply not negotiable. Of course she was rude ,aggressive, but we ignored it. We also told her all the carers were in fact in training especially with older people to work in a care home ,so they needed to have experience first with older people who had all their faculties . I'm not sure mother-in-law totally accepted that, but it kept her calm at times. I also had to tell the agency of course about the ruse to stop them being on the receiving end of the aggression

 

[charlie10]

no good suggestions @Feistywoman .....just wanted to wish you luck, as this is what we fear FiL will do when he comes out of hospital I'm sure they'd be horrified at the amount of worrying we do about them if they could recognise it

 

[marionq]

Well my husband has carers three mornings a week and calls them all “girls”! They bring out his latent charm as he tells them all how much better he feels from seeing them. They talk non stop about local stuff or the weather which puts him at ease.

So a bit of flattery or local gossip goes a long way to bridge a relationship with carers.

 

[Grannie G]

My husband accepted carers much more quickly than my mother even though I told her social services were providing them free of charge.

When the carers came for my husband, I was always at home to welcome them as acceptable people. When they went to my mothers she was alone in the house and I really think this was the difference.

My husband heard me welcome them. My mother may have thought they were intruders or intrusive.

 

[Sirena]

I agree with GrannieG, being present when the carer arrives can go a long to to helping them seem acceptable. I know you don't want to have to go round so often, but if you could do so a few times to begin with so you see how the carers interact with her, it would help the process.

And the other question is, do the agency always send the same carers? That works much better than a rota of randoms. My mother was fairly accepting of her carers but there were two she was particularly fond of, so the agency always tried to send them as often as possible.

But aside from that, I'd do exactly what Beate says, nod and agree and then ignore what she said. I remember Canary saying in the past that she always starts by saying "yes" (i.e. agreeing) and then moves on to a statement of what is happening, which may well actually = "no"! (I didn't explain that very well, did I get the basis right @canary ?). There is no point trying to reason with her or argue about it, it will just cause you a lot of aggravation. Certainly don't waste your energy telling her you find it hard - people with dementia lose empathy with others and she will tell you not to bother, and you'll both end up upset.

 

[canary]

I remember Canary saying in the past that she always starts by saying "yes" (i.e. agreeing) and then moves on to a statement of what is happening, which may well actually = "no"! (I didn't explain that very well, did I get the basis right @canary ?)

Yes, thats absolutely right - you are actually saying no, but not using the word "no", and start the sentence with "yes"

 

[Feistywoman]

Thank you all so very very much for your fantastic advice....I’m so very grateful for TP.

So, this morning in my phone call she was very apologetic, not one to miss an opportunity I’ve managed to get a key safe for the carers fitted today! Fortunately, it’s the same rota of carers going in, I’ve met two of them so have been chatting with her about them, both seem perfectly lovely. I did mention when I was in tonight going through the benefits of having them that she’d be keeping them in a job too. She has agreed that she does need them but that is today!

I’ll really try to start with Yes....I think that will help a lot. The crux of the matter is that I need to learn how not to let things get to me, I get so upset which benefits no one, I struggle so much with this. And obviously I need to stop trying to appeal to my rational Mum, sadly she seems to have gone

 

[Aleka2001]

Yes I know the feeling! The reality is that they don't want to feel useless and they act like that. Tell her that the government provides the free care for job experience. Just a quick note, don't get to angry or crossed, she will forget what you said the next day or the next moment! That is what happens with my mom

 

[Mrs Badger]

Think I tempted fate.....my Mum has had carers for the grand total of 10 days...twice a day, quick med check in the morning then to heat up a meal at night. She now wants me to cancel them as ‘she didn’t bloody agree to this’ and sees no need for them. I tried to explain this give us all a bit of security and it was early days but she’s adamant. I’ve gone through the fact that I can no longer sustain a visit every night which apparently is fine! Sadly I then entered flounce mode and told her that I’d do it. I’ve no idea how to progress with this, I’ve tried reasoning telling her how it will benefit her, how it will help her keep her independence, telling how hard I’m finding it and then yes, flouncing all to no avail. Anyone any ideas?

 

[Mrs Badger]

I tried really hard to have carers for mum, but she foxed me all the time.
She would put the chain on the front door to stop evening carers, so I tore the chain off, so then she would leave key in the door.
She tried to reverse power of attorney , and used to get her friend to take her to the bank to try and get loads of money out!
She would cancel the carers and go of to her friends not thinking re collection of blister pack! She would prepare her own lunch just to defy the carers and smash dishes on the floor, by accident.
She is in a home now which has different problems! But I am less stressed and she is safe and not lonely any more. Mum is a lot more mellow now
which is easier to deal with but last year was very challenging, hang in there.
Mrs Badger

 

[Poet1]

My rules of thumb in priority order
1 agree or aquiesque as much as is safe and never complain or find fault
2 never argue or debate, just do what is essential but to the absolute minimum

 

[Rosettastone57]

I tried really hard to have carers for mum, but she foxed me all the time.
She would put the chain on the front door to stop evening carers, so I tore the chain off, so then she would leave key in the door.
She tried to reverse power of attorney , and used to get her friend to take her to the bank to try and get loads of money out!
She would cancel the carers and go of to her friends not thinking re collection of blister pack! She would prepare her own lunch just to defy the carers and smash dishes on the floor, by accident.
She is in a home now which has different problems! But I am less stressed and she is safe and not lonely any more. Mum is a lot more mellow now
which is easier to deal with but last year was very challenging, hang in there.
Mrs Badger

You have done the right thing . She is safe and cared for. We found that when mother-in-law went into care, the pressure on us lifted. Best decision we made

 

[Donkeyshere]

There is always such good advice on here! I read some of the responses to my husband as we have his mum living with us and she is exactly the same, to the point that we are having separate holidays this year because of the aggravation of trying to get carers/respite care and her total refusal. Totally agree empathy gone, reasoning gone, dont bother getting cross its wasted energy!

 

[Mistie]

Hi. So much good advice - often learnt in hindsight! Agreeing whilst managing to say 'no' is a real skill and you get better at it.... Counting 10, going out and coming back, all with a smile helped me a lot. My Mum, now deceased, never accepted that she wasn't able to do things so it was a constant battle but for her safety carers needed to be in place. My word of caution is, do listen to the PWD as not all carers are well matched to the person and not all act in a way that you would like them to. Watch for signs of worry/fear/anger as there may be an underlying justification that it's easy to miss because 'we' are doing what we know to to be the right thing. It doesn't happen often, thankfully, but never stop listening with your 'alert' ear. The poor carers are often very good at talking to relatives - drop in occasionally. This isn't meant to worry anyone but just to be aware.