Hello - and can you help us with an issue?

[Janette Dyer]

My Mum in law has dementia as is still living at home and is fiercely independent - which is great and has carers a couple of times a day - morning and evening.
She is regularly able to visit town - via taxis - on her own to meet with a couple of friends to have lunch at least 2 - 3 times a week. This is great for her and she really enjoys the visits.
However, there is a man which she knew some time back (only as a friend) who has taken to coming to her house and going with her on these trips where she pays for his meal and hers. (this can sometimes be around £25.00 a time - plus £10.00 each taxi)
This has resulted in her friends not wanting to sit with him as he is smelly and they believe not very nice.
One of her closest friends has contacted my husband to say that she is concerned.
Her taxi driver has also contacted my husband and advised us that this particular gentleman has done this before with another person - I believe this other person did not have dementia and in the end told him to go away.
My husband visited her when he knew this gentleman was there and took him to one side and said that he didn't want him to take advantage of his mum and that she was vulnerable. He said that he wouldn't stop him seeing her, but wanted him to pay his way and to cut the trips down as it seem that he was going with her every time she went into town.
My mum in law when asked said that she hadn't seen him as much so we thought that had done the trick.
However, once again it has been reported that he is repeatedly been seeing her.
Again my husband - just by chance visited her and he was there - he once again took him to one side and told him to stop visiting her and that if he wanted to go out with her he needs to pay his way.
We are not sure what we can do now - any advice would be very welcome.
Thanking you Janette

 

[Grannie G]

I would contact local non-urgency police for advice @Janette Dyer at 101. Your mum might be being financially abused and if this man is known to the taxi driver he certainly rings alarm bells.

If the police cannot take action they may be able to advise.

 

[Fullticket]

In my experience the Police will not do anything, although it is worth reporting the facts to them so it is on file in case something/someone else makes a complaint.
The same thing happened to my mum - resulting in the 'boyfriend' conning her out of thousands of pounds before we realised. Mum had drawn down on her house and also paid for a van for him and paid for his son's wedding. He was also some 20 years younger than her and was having sexual relations with her. My partner threatened to tell his wife but it became clear the wife was part of the scheme. He was/is a coach driver and regularly takes parties of older people on trips - this is obviously his hunting ground.
I got control over her finances so I could at least see what was going out of the account but the bank were not hugely helpful, saying that it was her money and she could do what she wanted with it.
The situation did resolve itself when we moved mum in with us (by which time the 'boyfriend' plus some travellers had virtually stripped her of all her possessions, including her wedding ring and engagement ring). It did not stop there as we got telephone calls from the 'boyfriend' saying things like he had been past our house and liked the way we had done the front garden and wasn't it about time we had double glazing installed.
It only really stopped when we moved away some 200 miles, and even then he asked my ex neighbour if she knew where we had gone to and contacted the daughter of my mum's (deceased) best friend to find out contact numbers. Mum still had a mobile then and I had to 'lose' it and then say it would not work in the new house and we would get another one when we went to (the nearest big town). She forgot about it soon enough.
Sorry, a lot of reading but it is still sharp in my mind and a hint at what things could escalate to if it is not stopped now.
Strong words/actions are needed to stop this abuse continuing. If he ignores it again, change the locks, instal a camera, limit the money available so she cannot pay for him. Subterfuge is needed but, for example, can you have a word with the bank, set her up with a new account and bank card and only pay small amounts into it so the money is simply not available to her? Bank electronically and you could pay her utility bills etc. out of the main account. Does the man have any family? Have words with them.
Finally, threaten him verbally as hard as you have to (but out of earshot of your mother-in-law).
As the dementia progresses she will forget about this person eventually; I was hesitant at first to stop mum having a social life but came to realise that this was, indeed, abuse and that there are a lot of nasty opportunists out there.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I would be very concerned especially as the instincts of her close friends and the taxi driver are similarly worried for her. Hopefully the police will give you good advice. This 'friend' should be stopped
...perhaps a PCSO could pay the man a visit which may be enough now to warn him off ...if he is determined he may not be too concerned about your husband's i interventions.

 

[Louise7]

Subterfuge is needed but, for example, can you have a word with the bank, set her up with a new account and bank card and only pay small amounts into it so the money is simply not available to her? Bank electronically and you could pay her utility bills etc. out of the main account.

I can't see a bank doing that unless a financial lasting power of attorney is in place. If your Mum in law has mental capacity you could try discussing with her about putting an LPA in place but if she doesn't agree to this it will be very difficult to control what she spends her money on. As above, if the Police could pay the man a visit it might help, and also fitting cameras so that you can monitor the frequency of his visits might also help as a deterrent.

 

[marionq]

In a similar but more serious situation the police gave a warning to the man scamming my husband. I don't know exactly what they said but we haven't heard from him since. Talk to your local community police.

 

[MTM]

Can you get one of those court orders that stops him coming near her, an exclusion order? This happened to my Great Aunt. A man kept coming to see her, she ‘gave’ him her car for his daughter and a number of things disappeared from the house, £18k worth of jewellery and a portrait of my Great Grandfather by the painter Seargent, which was a prize in a competition he entered. My great aunt’s Alzheimer’s progressed quite quickly so she had to have live in carers, she told the carers she didn’t like this man and didn’t want to see him so the Carer sent him packing.

As others have said, I would look at assuming control over the finances and talk to the police.

 

[Lynmax]

I contacted the police on 101 to get help with "Dave the gutter man" who called at mums house every two or three weeks asking for £30 or £60 claiming he has cleaned her gutters. The police were useless, said no crime had been committed and I needed to contact Trading Standards. They were equally unhelpful, claiming they could not do anything as I did not have his full name and address, even though I have his mobile phone number.

It really makes me cross that vulnerable people are targeted like this.

 

[joeylou]

If you are worried about this person you could always speak to the local Safeguarding team. If they feel that there is cause for concern, they will advise you on the best course of action.