Hi.This week has finally come and dad is moving from his respite carehome to a permanent home.He is being assessed tomorrow with the move on Thursday. I just want this week over.Ive been paving the way with a few hints of the move but I’m not sure if he understands.Since coming out of hospital he can say something really sensible and the next sentence is confabulations and makes no sense. I plan to go in and see him every day this week and keep up the hint dropping but it’s making me so anxious.As you may have read on my other threads dad has lived with us for 12 years,3 with dementia and me being his sole carer. I know the time is right for the move to permanent care but I feel I’m letting him down.I can hear you all now saying I’m doing the right thing and I know that’s true, so I’m just going to battle through my feelings and deal with getting dad sorted. I would be interested to know how you stop yourself caring so much.Might be a funny question but I’ve run Dads life for him these last 3 years.Always there and now I’m lost.I still feel responsible for his happiness and hate to think he not coping but I’ve got to let go .Maybe I will feel better when he’s moved and I’m not so stressed . Anyway thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly received. It means a lot that you take the time to reply .
Dad moving care home.
- Thread starter Juliematch
- Start date
It will take you a while to adjust @Juliematch but I would like to say that you dont stop caring for them just because they have moved into a care home. You wont have the heavy hands-on stuff, but he will still need you. You will be his voice and advocate there, liaising with the staff, bringing problems to their attention, helping to organise things for him as well as checking on his things, telling staff when things go walkabout, keeping his toiletries topped up, buying new clothes when necessary, and buying other things that help him. I got to know the staff and other residents and their families and rather that feeling that mum had been lost to me, I felt that I had joined a large extended family. The caring is still there, but it is different. If you can let go of the old way, you will find the new is there.
Perhaps keep dropping hints to your dad is not the best way to go. He wont really understand and will forget what you have said, but the feeling that something is happening and the anxiety that goes with it will remain. I wouldnt say anything until the day and then say something like you have found him a much nicer place to stay while he is getting better. I referred to mums care home as convalescence when she first moved in and she accepted this with only a few demands to go home.
On the day itself will you be taking your dad there or will the care home drive him? If you will be taking your dad it will be easier if you have someone else with another car who can help you. Dont let your dad see you packing up his things as this will make him anxious. Either get the carers to distract him somewhere else and pack it all in your car out of sight, or get someone else to do it while you are looking after your dad. When you arrive at the new place he could again be distracted (perhaps by a meal or coffee and cake) while his room is sorted and his things unpacked, so that when he sees it it is all ready for him.
Good luck xx
Perhaps keep dropping hints to your dad is not the best way to go. He wont really understand and will forget what you have said, but the feeling that something is happening and the anxiety that goes with it will remain. I wouldnt say anything until the day and then say something like you have found him a much nicer place to stay while he is getting better. I referred to mums care home as convalescence when she first moved in and she accepted this with only a few demands to go home.
On the day itself will you be taking your dad there or will the care home drive him? If you will be taking your dad it will be easier if you have someone else with another car who can help you. Dont let your dad see you packing up his things as this will make him anxious. Either get the carers to distract him somewhere else and pack it all in your car out of sight, or get someone else to do it while you are looking after your dad. When you arrive at the new place he could again be distracted (perhaps by a meal or coffee and cake) while his room is sorted and his things unpacked, so that when he sees it it is all ready for him.
Good luck xx
Thank you for the advice. No more hints and I will wait until Thursday to tell him. The new care home is somewhere he knows as he has a friend who lives there.He use to visit fortnightly to see her and joined in with the activities so the staff know him. I’m sure it’s the right place for him and the last check they had was outstanding for care .I hadn’t really thought about logistics of moving on Thursday but I will add it to my todo list. I feel better now that I’ve shared my fears and had some great advice. I was getting myself in a stew over things I can’t change and may never happen.Thats what comes of having to much time on my hands after so long. Thanks again and I’ll post how the move goes.
Why didn’t I think of that ? It’s going to be so much better for him and me so I’m going to stop the guilt monster and the worrying and take it as it comes.I don’t know what I would do without your valued advice. I’ll make sure that anyone I meet along the dementia journey knows what a great place TP is. Thank you
@Juliematch you won’t stop being a Carer, just a different type of Carer. You will be a daughter who cares how her father is being cared for, you will be his voice if things are not quite right. You will be the daughter sitting with him having a cup of tea and a piece of cake, tea and cake you have not had to prepare yourself.
You will be watching he is clean and tidy but you won’t be doing the washing and the ironing. You won’t be the one trying to get him to take his medication. You will now be free to sit and talk, to go fir a walk around with him, listen to music with him and there will be no pressure of what you should be doing because it’s all done for you.
I looked after my husband for seven years at home and a further 4 years whilst he was in his nursing home. I went at all times of the day and night so I saw how the floor worked and the men on the floor were looked after. Seeing me so regularity also told the staff that I was around and they really became friends of the family and one granddaughter said one day she loved to see her granddad and the other men, it was like having nine granddads.
You will never stop worrying about your Dad and when you are not there he won’t be on his own. It’s not what any of us want but it is not always doom, gloom and horror. I loved the time I spent in the nursing home, I lived in their world while I was there and there were days when I never stopped smiling at the antics they got up to.
So take it slowly and remember that you will now have time to do things you want to do so both of you can gain from this move.
Good luck on Thursday.
You will be watching he is clean and tidy but you won’t be doing the washing and the ironing. You won’t be the one trying to get him to take his medication. You will now be free to sit and talk, to go fir a walk around with him, listen to music with him and there will be no pressure of what you should be doing because it’s all done for you.
I looked after my husband for seven years at home and a further 4 years whilst he was in his nursing home. I went at all times of the day and night so I saw how the floor worked and the men on the floor were looked after. Seeing me so regularity also told the staff that I was around and they really became friends of the family and one granddaughter said one day she loved to see her granddad and the other men, it was like having nine granddads.
You will never stop worrying about your Dad and when you are not there he won’t be on his own. It’s not what any of us want but it is not always doom, gloom and horror. I loved the time I spent in the nursing home, I lived in their world while I was there and there were days when I never stopped smiling at the antics they got up to.
So take it slowly and remember that you will now have time to do things you want to do so both of you can gain from this move.
Good luck on Thursday.
I just want to agree with everything said so far. My Dad moved into permanent just over 2 months ago. He had lived with me for 5 years before that. Its still early days but so far so good. Go along with his take on it. Dad thinks he is staying there while he visits me. You also have to accept its not one to one care as it was with you, so don't expect everything to be perfect. I let small things go as long as I think he is well cared for. For example if he hasn't shaved for one day because he hasn't charged his shaver and nobody has checked as I always did. I am there often enough to sort that out for him. I like others have said are building relationships with the staff. I am going to my first familys meeting next week.
Expect to feel up and down about it especially if you have a visit that doesn't go so well . I'm still at the early stages and do still feel really guilty at times and I also miss him . But it is lovely to have the burden of looking after his every need taken away. Its also made me realise how Dads needs dominated everything and how good my husband, who I think has been quite lonely, has been.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Expect to feel up and down about it especially if you have a visit that doesn't go so well . I'm still at the early stages and do still feel really guilty at times and I also miss him . But it is lovely to have the burden of looking after his every need taken away. Its also made me realise how Dads needs dominated everything and how good my husband, who I think has been quite lonely, has been.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Dear Julie,
You haven't stopped caring but your role has altered so that you care from afar. You will feel a degree of sadness when the day arrives but then you will start to pick up the pieces of your life.
Thinking of you
MaNaAk
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I think I’ve forgotten how to be a daughter .Caring has overtaken every aspect of my life, ( like most of you on TP) I even gave up work. It’s been so hard at times but I’ve got to start looking forward .I keep giving myself a talking too and reading your posts. Rosie7 Your post could have been written by me.I also have a husband who has been very patient while I cared for dad. Thanks again for your thoughts and messages .Best wishes to you all.
Dads move went as well as it could do,thanks to all the advice I received.He had been talking a lot about his friend and how he wanted to visit her so we used that but unfortunately he didn’t even recognise her.So heart breaking as since my mum had died they had kept each other company and had a lovely relationship. I suppose it’s just another step in the dementia journey.
I'm glad the move went well, it sounds as if you found a really good place for him. It is sad when you see sudden evidence of deterioration, like your dad not recognising his friend. Until a year ago my mother always used to watch Strictly with her best friend, but this winter she no longer remembers either the friend or the programme.
After all the worries about dads move to his care home,I am just starting to relax and enjoy my visits to see him.He’s settled really well and getting to know the carers.Then the rollercoaster started all over again.Phone call at 11.30 Monday night. Dad being taken into hospital with suspected sepsis. I only live 10 minutes away so I managed to get there before the ambulance had left and went with him. Luckily after blood tests it was not sepsis but a chest infection again.By 4 am He was sleeping so we left and went back later that day. After antibiotics he improved and yesterday they said he was to be discharged back to the care home. That’s not happening as the care home has a further 5 cases of chest infection and are on shutdown.They won’t have him back until Monday.So he’s stuck on a ward with sick people, confused,anxious, full of confabulations, I spoke to the dementia coordinator and she said it was best to leave him on the ward and she would try and get a befriender to visit. Our visit today was not nice.He was crying ,anxious about some confabulation about owing money. I don’t think we had one conversation that was normal in the hour and a half we were there. I’m frustrated that I can’t do anything to help him and I’m worried that this is going to be another downturn in his dementia. Thanks for reading .Best wishes.
I know it's stressful when they are in hospital, it's very difficult environment for someone with dementia. My mother has been in hospital twice since she moved to the care home, the second time she broke her hip and spent 10 days as an inpatient. I thought the experience would worsen her dementia, but actually it didn't, and she was soon back to 'normal' (her normal). Hopefully in a few days your dad will be back in his new home.
