Long story (as most of these are - sorry!)...
Dad late 80s) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 5 years ago, with signs for 10 years before that. Mum (nearly 80) finally admitted the issue after she was critically ill in hospital, and my dad got 'lost'. Literally driving around for 8 hours trying to find the local hospital she was in, forgot why he was driving, why my mum wasn't with him and then couldn't find his was home, even though they have lived in the same house for 30 years.
Five years later, a hard-fought diagnosis, lots of tears, denial and three more trips to hospital for my mum, and we are at crisis point (again). My family managed to persuade them to sell the family home and move to a smaller retirement flat 4 years ago, and things seemed settled, even though my dad was getting worse.
In mid-June of this year Mum went back in to hospital. There was no live-in care for my father, as my parents had both refused it, but had someone 3 hours x 3 times a week to help with cleaning, shopping etc. Mum's consultant explained that he would only release her home if the care situation for my father was changed, as he felt she would be readmitted within 3 months because of the stress.
Given the issues facing Mum, we got Dad in to a local care home. They advised that we leave him and don't visit for 2-3 weeks until he was settled (which I did not agree with, as his rock has always been Mum, and it ithe only point of reference that he has). Dad turned violent (out of character) and tried to 'escape'. We had no choice but to bring him home after 3 days. The Adult Mental Health team were called in by the GP at this point but didn't step in until end of July.
We arranged live-in care for them and things settled down (no violence), but it has been hard on Mum. Having an additional person (a virtual stranger) in their flat is difficult for them, but they have no choice. The quality of the carers has been patchy at best. SS seem to think that all Dad needs is someone to help for the 'standard' 4 times a day, as he needs 'prompting' to wash and eat - which is so far from the truth, it isn't funny. He won't wash, is incapable of making any decisions and would sit in the same clothes for weeks on end of my mum didn't put him in the shower and change his clothes. He won't let the live-in care near him, and so my mum is still having to do everything. The carers are effectively very expensive housekeepers.
Mum has finally admitted that she can no longer cope with him at home and we have tried to find Dad a home again, but he is refusing to go. His social worker (who is quite rightly standing up for Dad) seems to only be focussing on his 'rights' and forgetting about Mum and the impact that this situation is having on her. She is we have to go through all of these (slow and painful) remedial actions before we can activate a DoLS, as we will be asked to prove all these actions at the CoP. This is all adding to Mum's stress and I am very concerned about her. She is depressed, scared of what is going to happen and she is not getting any support for her from SS or her GP. Added to this, the only person we can ask readily for advice is the social worker assigned to Dad, so she is only giving us the process that she wants us to follow, for fear of getting herself in to trouble. She only seems to be prompted in to action when we force it and we are close to forcing another crisis, as Mum's mental health is rapidly deteriorating.
Whilst I understand the process has to be adhered to, and I am very grateful that we live in a society that protect vulnerable people, I want to know how we can get Mum's rights on an equal platform as Dad's. The only way I can view this, is that this is like my parents getting a divorce, Dad having a lawyer and mum is representing herself. It is not fair where we are put in a position where SS will see my mother run into the ground because 'she has the mental capacity to make her own decisions', but will not recognise that she is also vulnerable (not necessarily to their legal definition), and also needs them to think of her. SS and the GP don't seem to want to consider her needs as part of the whole picture. They even asked if Mum could move out, so Dad can stay in their flat, given that she can't cope!
Care homes that we have lined up for Dad (even without his concent) won't touch him because of the violent out burst. What can we do?
Dad late 80s) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 5 years ago, with signs for 10 years before that. Mum (nearly 80) finally admitted the issue after she was critically ill in hospital, and my dad got 'lost'. Literally driving around for 8 hours trying to find the local hospital she was in, forgot why he was driving, why my mum wasn't with him and then couldn't find his was home, even though they have lived in the same house for 30 years.
Five years later, a hard-fought diagnosis, lots of tears, denial and three more trips to hospital for my mum, and we are at crisis point (again). My family managed to persuade them to sell the family home and move to a smaller retirement flat 4 years ago, and things seemed settled, even though my dad was getting worse.
In mid-June of this year Mum went back in to hospital. There was no live-in care for my father, as my parents had both refused it, but had someone 3 hours x 3 times a week to help with cleaning, shopping etc. Mum's consultant explained that he would only release her home if the care situation for my father was changed, as he felt she would be readmitted within 3 months because of the stress.
Given the issues facing Mum, we got Dad in to a local care home. They advised that we leave him and don't visit for 2-3 weeks until he was settled (which I did not agree with, as his rock has always been Mum, and it ithe only point of reference that he has). Dad turned violent (out of character) and tried to 'escape'. We had no choice but to bring him home after 3 days. The Adult Mental Health team were called in by the GP at this point but didn't step in until end of July.
We arranged live-in care for them and things settled down (no violence), but it has been hard on Mum. Having an additional person (a virtual stranger) in their flat is difficult for them, but they have no choice. The quality of the carers has been patchy at best. SS seem to think that all Dad needs is someone to help for the 'standard' 4 times a day, as he needs 'prompting' to wash and eat - which is so far from the truth, it isn't funny. He won't wash, is incapable of making any decisions and would sit in the same clothes for weeks on end of my mum didn't put him in the shower and change his clothes. He won't let the live-in care near him, and so my mum is still having to do everything. The carers are effectively very expensive housekeepers.
Mum has finally admitted that she can no longer cope with him at home and we have tried to find Dad a home again, but he is refusing to go. His social worker (who is quite rightly standing up for Dad) seems to only be focussing on his 'rights' and forgetting about Mum and the impact that this situation is having on her. She is we have to go through all of these (slow and painful) remedial actions before we can activate a DoLS, as we will be asked to prove all these actions at the CoP. This is all adding to Mum's stress and I am very concerned about her. She is depressed, scared of what is going to happen and she is not getting any support for her from SS or her GP. Added to this, the only person we can ask readily for advice is the social worker assigned to Dad, so she is only giving us the process that she wants us to follow, for fear of getting herself in to trouble. She only seems to be prompted in to action when we force it and we are close to forcing another crisis, as Mum's mental health is rapidly deteriorating.
Whilst I understand the process has to be adhered to, and I am very grateful that we live in a society that protect vulnerable people, I want to know how we can get Mum's rights on an equal platform as Dad's. The only way I can view this, is that this is like my parents getting a divorce, Dad having a lawyer and mum is representing herself. It is not fair where we are put in a position where SS will see my mother run into the ground because 'she has the mental capacity to make her own decisions', but will not recognise that she is also vulnerable (not necessarily to their legal definition), and also needs them to think of her. SS and the GP don't seem to want to consider her needs as part of the whole picture. They even asked if Mum could move out, so Dad can stay in their flat, given that she can't cope!
Care homes that we have lined up for Dad (even without his concent) won't touch him because of the violent out burst. What can we do?
