Please type 'the raw horror of Alzheimer's' into Google to find an article a few years back in the Guardian. This stunning article convinced me of two things: 1) I would keep my mum in her own home as long as possible with external support if possible, 2) I would NEVER have my mum live with me and my family however much the guilt trip might be (because professional support would assist her better and because it would just be too grim and too much of an unfair impact on me and my family). Whatever you decide to do, there is no right or wrong but it really sounds to me like the time for a care home has come.
Newbie needing help!
- Thread starter Swansea89
- Start date
Thank you everyone for all the advice. I was starting to think I was going mad or just being very selfish but you all make me realise I’m not.
My mum did previously give up her job to care for my grandad before my grandad was admitted to hospital but since then has got a new job and gone back to work because while he is in hospital she can not be paid any money what so ever so I would like to think she’s not silly enough to make the same mistake twice as the fact is the mortgage and bills have to be paid or we are all homeless.
I am trying my best to ignore the situation at the moment and get back to the pet services business I had started before this chaos begun, very difficulty but I can’t go anywhere with no income so the sooner I have money coming in the sooner I can get out of the situation.
I did foolishly think my gran would stay the lovely old sweet woman and at times she is but out of no where she can be vicious and turn nasty. I can’t see any other way but a care home for both of them.
I ended up just sitting crying on the sofa for an hour earlier where my mum found me and said she would discuss things in detail with the hospital, all my worries, on Monday before he’s home for his over night stay so guess I just have to wait and see.
My mum did previously give up her job to care for my grandad before my grandad was admitted to hospital but since then has got a new job and gone back to work because while he is in hospital she can not be paid any money what so ever so I would like to think she’s not silly enough to make the same mistake twice as the fact is the mortgage and bills have to be paid or we are all homeless.
I am trying my best to ignore the situation at the moment and get back to the pet services business I had started before this chaos begun, very difficulty but I can’t go anywhere with no income so the sooner I have money coming in the sooner I can get out of the situation.
I did foolishly think my gran would stay the lovely old sweet woman and at times she is but out of no where she can be vicious and turn nasty. I can’t see any other way but a care home for both of them.
I ended up just sitting crying on the sofa for an hour earlier where my mum found me and said she would discuss things in detail with the hospital, all my worries, on Monday before he’s home for his over night stay so guess I just have to wait and see.
Good for you @Swansea89, I'm so pleased to read that you're planning to start up your pet services work again.
For your own sake, for your mum and for your grandparents too, please stay strong. You are entitled to your own life, and honestly, it really sounds clear that your grandparents need 24/7 care which can only be provided by a team of people, ie in a care home. Sad, but true.
I have two daughters in their thirties, and my mother, who has dementia, is 97. I took the heartbreaking decision over three years ago to find a care home placement for her. I would hate to think that my daughters' lives were dominated by such onerous levels of care as you describe.....please don't let it happen to you. You can still see your grandparents in a home, do activities with them, take them out if appropriate. In other words, you could then be their granddaughter, not their carer as you are now.
I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you all. You sound like a very caring family and have simply found yourselves overtaken by the severity of your grandparents' illness.
Take care of yourselves
Love
Lindy xx
For your own sake, for your mum and for your grandparents too, please stay strong. You are entitled to your own life, and honestly, it really sounds clear that your grandparents need 24/7 care which can only be provided by a team of people, ie in a care home. Sad, but true.
I have two daughters in their thirties, and my mother, who has dementia, is 97. I took the heartbreaking decision over three years ago to find a care home placement for her. I would hate to think that my daughters' lives were dominated by such onerous levels of care as you describe.....please don't let it happen to you. You can still see your grandparents in a home, do activities with them, take them out if appropriate. In other words, you could then be their granddaughter, not their carer as you are now.
I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you all. You sound like a very caring family and have simply found yourselves overtaken by the severity of your grandparents' illness.
Take care of yourselves
Love
Lindy xx
Hi Swansea89 throw my full support behind what the others have said. Do not cave in to the emotional blackmail. I have found the NHS bank on this happening and then absolve themselves of any responsibility. You are too young for this to be your burden "Learn to say NO". Stay strong.
Just a little update...
My grandad is here for his over night stay to check he is capable of being home and to not only look after after himself but his wife. He’s been home since 3pm yesterday. Although nothing has gone wrong. They don’t do anything for themselves. They don’t get off the sofa. My grandad is very frail and just slouched in a chair barely sitting up. My gran just sits on the other sofa starring in to space and usually repeating herself about her complaint of the hour. My mum has agreed to carry on cooking food for them every day after work so she did this yesterday but my grandad can barely get the food to his mouth. At 8.30pm yesterday he knocked our door to tell us they were going to bed because my gran had been quite challenging so my mum went in to give medication and he was basically only standing by bouncing off walls so we have no idea how he managed to get ready for bed and into bed and sort his wife. It turns out they had watched BBC 1 since the moment he arrived home because my gran forgot years ago how to use a remote control but my grandad has always been capable but now he doesn’t know how. He didn’t even know what day it was or what time it was.
My mum called in there at 9am today just to give medication and then left, she said she can only assume everything went ok through the night but they were both still just lying in bed so she has no real idea and then left.
I can’t help but feel absolutely awful for the situation he has been put in. I can appreciate all he wants to do is be in his home but what life is this for him.
The hospital said he’ll be staying at home if this night went ok but there’s no care package in place
My mum is back in work every day from Wednesday (tomorrow!) and I’ve got work booked in so neither of us will be around that much.
Maybe this is normal to the NHS and people are left to struggle at home but it seems absolutely cruel.
I feel thankful to not have my gran here pooing all over my house but it does not sit comfortably to put this work on to my grandad’s shoulders.
My grandad is here for his over night stay to check he is capable of being home and to not only look after after himself but his wife. He’s been home since 3pm yesterday. Although nothing has gone wrong. They don’t do anything for themselves. They don’t get off the sofa. My grandad is very frail and just slouched in a chair barely sitting up. My gran just sits on the other sofa starring in to space and usually repeating herself about her complaint of the hour. My mum has agreed to carry on cooking food for them every day after work so she did this yesterday but my grandad can barely get the food to his mouth. At 8.30pm yesterday he knocked our door to tell us they were going to bed because my gran had been quite challenging so my mum went in to give medication and he was basically only standing by bouncing off walls so we have no idea how he managed to get ready for bed and into bed and sort his wife. It turns out they had watched BBC 1 since the moment he arrived home because my gran forgot years ago how to use a remote control but my grandad has always been capable but now he doesn’t know how. He didn’t even know what day it was or what time it was.
My mum called in there at 9am today just to give medication and then left, she said she can only assume everything went ok through the night but they were both still just lying in bed so she has no real idea and then left.
I can’t help but feel absolutely awful for the situation he has been put in. I can appreciate all he wants to do is be in his home but what life is this for him.
The hospital said he’ll be staying at home if this night went ok but there’s no care package in place
My mum is back in work every day from Wednesday (tomorrow!) and I’ve got work booked in so neither of us will be around that much.
Maybe this is normal to the NHS and people are left to struggle at home but it seems absolutely cruel.
I feel thankful to not have my gran here pooing all over my house but it does not sit comfortably to put this work on to my grandad’s shoulders.
Sweetheart, it is normal that people are left to struggle at home. There is usual an accident or someone who keeps saying these are vulnerable adults they cannot be left to struggle. I am so sorry. I know what a fight it is and what a worry it is for you and your mum. with love, Kindred.
Hi Swansea89
I have had similar but it only happened when we went out my dad would shuffle of to the loo about 10 mins later my mum would go and find him to find a scene from a horror film in the public toilet where my dad would have smeared his poo all over the walls he had been at home but something made him want to go again my mum would usher him out totally embarrassed.
Incontinence clinic is a must although my mum bought the pants privately as Nhs ones were rubbish.
