Is it the seemingly small things that lead us to breaking point? As in the straw and poor old camel?

[carolynp]

OK, I am home now after a very worthwhile holiday lasting 3 days if you don't count the 2 travelling days.
As the coach came into the local town, I noticed a scruffy old man in the middle of the road, with his beanie hat on crooked - he tripped in the middle of the road, and regained his equilibrium - you've guess who it is, I know, yes, so had I - my OH!

Today - day 1 of no more respite on anyone's horizon

He has decided not to shave again.
He hasn't had a shower for almost a week
He has tried to open another bank account to put his winnings in when he comes up on the post code lottery.( ha ha ha )
He is still peeing in the wash hand basin
He inspected a 'tee-pee' I made this afternoon to grow the sweetpeas up - and thought it was a new tree I had planted.
He decided to mow the lawn - the garden is MINE!- but encouraged him to 'help' now the lawn in completely chewed up.
wonder what tomorrow will bring??

Oh my goodness! MJ! Seeing him on the street like that from your coach. And then being plunged back into the daily - hourly! - horrors. I am so very sorry. But you do sound buoyed up and (almost!) ready for anything, which just goes to show we must ALL make ourselves take breaks, as and where we can.

The garden is an issue here too. I’ve had someone come in the last few years and, as a rose pruner, he got our wild and woolly MacCartney under control by keeping it back to the old wood. Well guess what? OH decided to trim it slightly, got going and couldn’t stop, I couldn’t restrain him, the whole thing was cut back to the ground. Because of the nature of this rose, it’s now sent out long, lethal branches from there, it’s all over the place, uncontrollable. All the pruner’s painstaking work has gone for nothing.

Well here the sun is rising on another day. In an hour we’ve got to do the weekly supermarket shop.

I am so very glad you had your break and it’s lovely to have you back. Very best wishes. Carolyn.

 

[cobden 28]

I can so agree with "it's the little things"
OH continually complains of feeling cold even when the heating is on at full blast. He wears a woolly hat in doors, which doesn't annoy me, but he tucks his trouser bottoms in his socks because the draught makes his legs cold! He looks looks so silly. I wonder if we can still buy cycle clips Lol
I just wish Alzheimers was never invented !

If you can take a trip out to a cycle shop they should have cycle clips for trouser legs in stock.

 

[yak55]

Just how I feel, other people think they know what it is like but they don’t, yiu have to experience it to know.

Definitely have to experience it, it makes me so cross when a gp letter arrives and it's addressed to mum who may get to it before me. She then gets upset and then annoyed about it or mat even hide it!
Don't they realise that PWD does not have the capacity to ring the surgery to make an appointment grrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[Ann Mac]

Out of all the things I dealt with, when Mil lived with us, the thing that really, really got to me was when Mil started to use anything she thought was remotely appropriate to blow her nose on and to spit into! Especially tea towels and dish cloths in the kitchen. That habit absolutely turned my stomach - I dealt with the incontinence, the pooh smears everywhere in the bathroom, the soiled pads hidden down the back of wardrobes and radiators, with far less revulsion than I dealt with finding the saliva and snotty smears on tea towles that I picked up to dry the dishes. It wasn't the whole, or even the main reason, why we had to stop her going into the kitchen (she was increasingly unsafe in there) - but it played more than a small part in the decision.

 

[cobden 28]

Out of all the things I dealt with, when Mil lived with us, the thing that really, really got to me was when Mil started to use anything she thought was remotely appropriate to blow her nose on and to spit into! Especially tea towels and dish cloths in the kitchen. That habit absolutely turned my stomach - I dealt with the incontinence, the pooh smears everywhere in the bathroom, the soiled pads hidden down the back of wardrobes and radiators, with far less revulsion than I dealt with finding the saliva and snotty smears on tea towles that I picked up to dry the dishes. It wasn't the whole, or even the main reason, why we had to stop her going into the kitchen (she was increasingly unsafe in there) - but it played more than a small part in the decision.

Even if you bleach-soak and then boil wash such items, the thought of this happening is still somewhat unsavoury, isn't it?

 

[Ann Mac]

Even if you bleach-soak and then boil wash such items, the thought of this happening is still somewhat unsavoury, isn't it?

It is! Before we took the step of putting a barrier in place, to keep her out of the kitchen (and Oh - the rows that caused!) every time I went in there, I HAD to put all dish cloths and tea towels into the wash. I just couldn't risk it. Pots washed as soon as they hit the sink, to stop her 'helping' and several times, when I couldn't be sure that she hadn't had a go at washing up and so couldn't be sure that something hadn't been 'dried' with a dirty tea towel, I had to empty cupboards and put everything through the dishwasher. Years ago, I worked as a carer, and dealing with incontinence, though it was unpleasant, didn't turn my stomach as much as the thought of snotty tea towels did!

 

[maryjoan]

It is! Before we took the step of putting a barrier in place, to keep her out of the kitchen (and Oh - the rows that caused!) every time I went in there, I HAD to put all dish cloths and tea towels into the wash. I just couldn't risk it. Pots washed as soon as they hit the sink, to stop her 'helping' and several times, when I couldn't be sure that she hadn't had a go at washing up and so couldn't be sure that something hadn't been 'dried' with a dirty tea towel, I had to empty cupboards and put everything through the dishwasher. Years ago, I worked as a carer, and dealing with incontinence, though it was unpleasant, didn't turn my stomach as much as the thought of snotty tea towels did!

My bete noir that I cannot get my head around is the fact that he pees in the bathroom hand basin - we live in a bungalow so noises from bathroom can be heard. He goes in there, I hear that he does not flush and I know he has peed in the hand basin again - just really gets to me.

You know what? This morning, as I was drying my hair, I looked in the mirror, and the thought came into my head that I was the WRONG PERSON for what I am trying to do. I tried to think it through and the bare fact is that I cannot sum up the sympathy for OH as I know I should.

Is that bad?

 

[kindred]

My bete noir that I cannot get my head around is the fact that he pees in the bathroom hand basin - we live in a bungalow so noises from bathroom can be heard. He goes in there, I hear that he does not flush and I know he has peed in the hand basin again - just really gets to me.

You know what? This morning, as I was drying my hair, I looked in the mirror, and the thought came into my head that I was the WRONG PERSON for what I am trying to do. I tried to think it through and the bare fact is that I cannot sum up the sympathy for OH as I know I should.

Is that bad?

No, no, not bad. There is no right person for this. As for sympathy, well, when OHs behaviour is like this, it's so hard to stay objective and balanced. It's so often the peeing and pooing that's the last straw, and understandably so. We try hard to keep our houses hygenic and this is an awful threat to this. I tried so long to disguise this kind of thing happening as I felt so deeply ashamed that I could not have any control over OH in this respect. All sympathy, with you all the way.

 

[karaokePete]

I don’t think that it’s bad to think you aren’t right for the caring role either @maryjoan. There have been a few occasions when I have sat and cried thinking the same thing but, you know what, I always manage to pick myself up by remembering that the behaviour is caused by the disease and that it’s my beloved wife I’m looking at. As I say to her, the roles could have been reversed.
It is funny how it’s the hygiene issues that cause such a lot of problems. My wife would think nothing of wiping the kitchen top and sink with a sponge and then using the same sponge to wash the dishes when we go on holiday and don’t have a dishwasher. Finding used tissues hidden behind cushions, oh pleeease! The list goes on.
Of course, there often comes a time when a carer just can’t carry on. However, while you’re willing to try don’t forget that TP is here for you. We all know how it is and help each other journey the same road.

 

[maryjoan]

I don’t think that it’s bad to think you aren’t right for the caring role either @maryjoan. There have been a few occasions when I have sat and cried thinking the same thing but, you know what, I always manage to pick myself up by remembering that the behaviour is caused by the disease and that it’s my beloved wife I’m looking at. As I say to her, the roles could have been reversed.
It is funny how it’s the hygiene issues that cause such a lot of problems. My wife would think nothing of wiping the kitchen top and sink with a sponge and then using the same sponge to wash the dishes when we go on holiday and don’t have a dishwasher. Finding used tissues hidden behind cushions, oh pleeease! The list goes on.
Of course, there often comes a time when a carer just can’t carry on. However, while you’re willing to try don’t forget that TP is here for you. We all know how it is and help each other journey the same road.

I think my greatest problem is two fold - the main one being that my and my OH have not been together that long - and do not have a wealth of memories for me to draw on, the other one is that we are not married and short relationships end for much less than what I am trying to do.... karaokePete I certainly can see what you are saying, and, in these times when everyone is so hygienic - it is those issues that cause the carer the most distress.......

 

[karaokePete]

I think my greatest problem is two fold - the main one being that my and my OH have not been together that long - and do not have a wealth of memories for me to draw on, the other one is that we are not married and short relationships end for much less than what I am trying to do.... karaokePete I certainly can see what you are saying, and, in these times when everyone is so hygienic - it is those issues that cause the carer the most distress.......

I get what you are saying about the time together pre-dementia. Ours was a second marriage for both of us and we have been married for 10 years, with the earliest symptoms showing some years ago. I sometimes envy members when they say they have been married for 50 years or more but then think that it must be harder in some ways too. It's all a bit swings and roundabouts.

One of the things I find hard is that 2 of my wife's children don't bother with her at all and that upsets her and is a point of fixation with her. These children were grown and off the scene before I met their mother so I don't know anything much about them and nor do I feel any connection. This makes it hard for me to show empathy towards and reassure my wife. The dementia journey is hard from both a physical and an emotional point of view.

I think the bottom line is that we carers must remain true to ourselves. I feel we must be guided by what we think is right for ourselves rather than be guided by what others do. The world is a place that contains much angst but I find moments of personal serenity when I feel I'm doing what is right.

I know how tough it is for you. Have a virtual (((HUG))).

 

[maryjoan]

I get what you are saying about the time together pre-dementia. Ours was a second marriage for both of us and we have been married for 10 years, with the earliest symptoms showing some years ago. I sometimes envy members when they say they have been married for 50 years or more but then think that it must be harder in some ways too. It's all a bit swings and roundabouts.

One of the things I find hard is that 2 of my wife's children don't bother with her at all and that upsets her and is a point of fixation with her. These children were grown and off the scene before I met their mother so I don't know anything much about them and nor do I feel any connection. This makes it hard for me to show empathy towards and reassure my wife. The dementia journey is hard from both a physical and an emotional point of view.

I think the bottom line is that we carers must remain true to ourselves. I feel we must be guided by what we think is right for ourselves rather than be guided by what others do. The world is a place that contains much angst but I find moments of personal serenity when I feel I'm doing what is right.

I know how tough it is for you. Have a virtual (((HUG))).

Thanks, karaokePete - I accept the virtual hug with very good grace! Your situation must therefore be fairly similar to my own and you can see where I am coming from. I just wish I could get it all straight in my head, and feel right about it. I think so many of us spend so much time ( in the night) thinking, thinking, thinking and it's not a good thing to be doing really. I have lots of hobbies and my work to do, but even that does not stop the thinking does it?

Also my OH's journey into oblivion seems to be so very very rapid and I find that intensely distressing. Thank goodness for TP - I would be lost without it. Have a virtual (((HUG))) back - we all need them.

 

[action4alz]

Yes! the woes of care for the aged or demented relative are many in order to keep an elderly person happy, healthy and secure. Encouraging and helping to maintain their personal hygiene and grooming is vital and difficult but we have to do it with love so as to enable them person to feel the best and dignified and upkeep their self-esteem.

I work in an Alzheimers/Dementia unit and I have and continue to see various types of behaviors and attitudes. Over the years working with this people, I am begining to summize that even as they become difficult to deal with, every caregiver must endure the ubseen difficulties caring for them presents and transcend it with love and empathy. Almost all of them will do much better if they were not affected by this dreaded disease.