Feeling down......

[yak55]

I have been ill lately, I think also a little depressed. When Mum went into a CH I felt relief. It didn't last long and then the doubt set in. It's been 8 weeks now and after taking Mum out for lunch today I feel worse. I've suddenly realised that instead of feeling better and accepting the situation I don't.
It hit me today when Mum had a few tears and didn't want to go back. She doesn't make a fuss or get angry, that's not my Mum. I'm lucky in a way that there is no aggression in her at this time. The last time, probably a few weeks back, that Mum asked where we were when we approached he door of the CH, I told her this is where you are staying, she understood. Today, in the same scenario, she didn't remember ever being there.
I beat myself up because I can't have Mum with me.
It was never meant to be this way.
I want to go back to that sunny Monday, the 3rd of July 2017.
Me, my husband, Mum and Dad, all packed up ready to go on our caravan holiday in Wareham, Dorset, a favourite place of ours. We always spent our holidays together. We spent all of our 40 years of marriage with my Mum and Dad at Christmas and every special event. Everywhere I go I remember them.
That day Dad became jaundiced and 4 weeks later, my darling, generous, gentle Dad died. I still can't believe it. He was playing old three times a week just before the holiday, how can it of happened? He was never ill, not even a headache.
My Dads gone, my Mum too in a way and now we have sold their home, furniture and possessions have been either put in a memory box or moved on to other family members and a lot has gone to the tip.
I'm still up as I cannot sleep. I think I'm alright but I'm not. The future is unknown and right now I'm worrying about Mum.
I listen to a conversation and miss half of it because I'm thinking of her.
Sorry, I don't know where that all came from but it's so good to get it out.
Thank you if you read it x

 

[yak55]

I have been ill lately, I think also a little depressed. When Mum went into a CH I felt relief. It didn't last long and then the doubt set in. It's been 8 weeks now and after taking Mum out for lunch today I feel worse. I've suddenly realised that instead of feeling better and accepting the situation I don't.
It hit me today when Mum had a few tears and didn't want to go back. She doesn't make a fuss or get angry, that's not my Mum. I'm lucky in a way that there is no aggression in her at this time. The last time, probably a few weeks back, that Mum asked where we were when we approached he door of the CH, I told her this is where you are staying, she understood. Today, in the same scenario, she didn't remember ever being there.
I beat myself up because I can't have Mum with me.
It was never meant to be this way.
I want to go back to that sunny Monday, the 3rd of July 2017.
Me, my husband, Mum and Dad, all packed up ready to go on our caravan holiday in Wareham, Dorset, a favourite place of ours. We always spent our holidays together. We spent all of our 40 years of marriage with my Mum and Dad at Christmas and every special event. Everywhere I go I remember them.
That day Dad became jaundiced and 4 weeks later, my darling, generous, gentle Dad died. I still can't believe it. He was playing golf three times a week just before the holiday, how can it of happened? He was never ill, not even a headache.
My Dads gone, my Mum too in a way and now we have sold their home, furniture and possessions have been either put in a memory box or moved on to other family members and a lot has gone to the tip.
I'm still up as I cannot sleep. I think I'm alright but I'm not. The future is unknown and right now I'm worrying about Mum.
I listen to a conversation and miss half of it because I'm thinking of her.
Sorry, I don't know where that all came from but it's so good to get it out.
Thank you if you read it x

 

[Grannie G]

I know it won't help to be told what you're feeling is perfectly normal @yak55 even though it is.

The emotional trauma of deciding on residential care has to be experienced to be able to understand.

Clearing out the home of someone who is still living is the worst happening.

How can you feel anything other than lost?

 

[Marcelle123]

No wonder you feel so shocked, sad, and uncomprehending. I remember how I felt when my mother had to go into residential care, even though it was the best option and on our second go we found somewhere where she could settle. I remember what a job it was selling and clearing her house and how horrible I felt, not being able to tell her.

You have my sympathy. Try to just keep moving forward, day to day, and take any small reliefs and comforts for yourself that you can. And enjoy being with your mother while you can, and take comfort in the fact that you are doing all you can to make her life a contented one.

My mother has gone now - and I too would turn the clock back, even to the care home situation, where in the end I spent many happy hours reading to her.

Very best wishes, and good luck for your sad journey. xx

 

[mancmum]

This what I am doing to. Combined with serious worry about husband who has progressive condition. Where am I in all of this.

 

[LynneMcV]

It' s not surprising that you are feeling lost and down. So much has changed in such a short period of time.

I have no magic words to make your heartbreak easier but I just wanted you to know that we understand the stress, emotion and sometimes the fast pace of these events which leave us little time to get out heads around the sudden change - and of course that deep desire to turn the clock back to happier times.

Thinking of you and I hope things settle for both of you.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I know there is no magic way to feeling better except to say I felt exactly the same and at each stage..finding mum had died when we arrived for her birthday lunch and dad sitting in the car because he couldn't make sense of her in the hallway overnight...moving in with vulnerable dad who didn't understand the death...moving him into his NH...selling and clearing his home while he was still alive felt every bit the wrong way round...the sudden 2 week period last year at his end of life. We would also wish things could happen differently or not at all.The feelings revisit but in time you will adjust and there are so many of us on TP that have or are feeling just as you are. The lost empty feeling...grieving as their dementia declines. Even now sometimes a year after dad died the feeling catches me unawares but it is because we cared about our loved ones so much. Being unwell heightens these emotions but make it a priority to look after yourself now...your mum is being well looked after. As the weeks go by with taking your mum out judge if her reaction is changing and whether she is still benefiting from this. Dad took a long time to settle so I never took him out but wished I had been able to in the early days

 

[yak55]

Thank you all for your replies ❤️
It helps so much knowing there are others who understand how I feel.
It's true that when I am ill it's worse and I try not to show it to others apart from my close family, because you are all right again, unless you have experienced what we all have and some of us, still are, you've no idea of the crushingly awful heartache we feel deep inside.
One of the points made about gauging how Mum reacts to being returned to the CH was something I'd not thought about so I will take that on board and also check with the carers to see if Mum is more agitated after a trip out.
Hugs to you all x

 

[Trapisha]

I have been ill lately, I think also a little depressed. When Mum went into a CH I felt relief. It didn't last long and then the doubt set in. It's been 8 weeks now and after taking Mum out for lunch today I feel worse. I've suddenly realised that instead of feeling better and accepting the situation I don't.
It hit me today when Mum had a few tears and didn't want to go back. She doesn't make a fuss or get angry, that's not my Mum. I'm lucky in a way that there is no aggression in her at this time. The last time, probably a few weeks back, that Mum asked where we were when we approached he door of the CH, I told her this is where you are staying, she understood. Today, in the same scenario, she didn't remember ever being there.
I beat myself up because I can't have Mum with me.
It was never meant to be this way.
I want to go back to that sunny Monday, the 3rd of July 2017.
Me, my husband, Mum and Dad, all packed up ready to go on our caravan holiday in Wareham, Dorset, a favourite place of ours. We always spent our holidays together. We spent all of our 40 years of marriage with my Mum and Dad at Christmas and every special event. Everywhere I go I remember them.
That day Dad became jaundiced and 4 weeks later, my darling, generous, gentle Dad died. I still can't believe it. He was playing old three times a week just before the holiday, how can it of happened? He was never ill, not even a headache.
My Dads gone, my Mum too in a way and now we have sold their home, furniture and possessions have been either put in a memory box or moved on to other family members and a lot has gone to the tip.
I'm still up as I cannot sleep. I think I'm alright but I'm not. The future is unknown and right now I'm worrying about Mum.
I listen to a conversation and miss half of it because I'm thinking of her.
Sorry, I don't know where that all came from but it's so good to get it out.
Thank you if you read it x

Yak 55 So sorry for how you are feeling but i know exactly how it feels because
i am going through the same its just awful how a life can change at the flip of a hat
i always thought my mom and dad would be with me for years and years like you
went on holiday every year with my two boys and and mom and dad always came with
us. Every christmas day spent with them never had a christmas dinner without them
then dad had parkinsons and died in 2011 since then mom has been forgetful and
i thought it was bereavement but it got worse in the last few years to the extent i have
had too get carers in twice a day and i have had to take her to every appointment
doctors hospitals etc. feel as though my life has now come to a sad time and i will
never feel happy again and i worry every day if the phone rings i have had to go
on anxiety meds to help me so you are not alone hope we can become stronger
wishing you all the best xxx

 

[yak55]

Yak 55 So sorry for how you are feeling but i know exactly how it feels because
i am going through the same its just awful how a life can change at the flip of a hat
i always thought my mom and dad would be with me for years and years like you
went on holiday every year with my two boys and and mom and dad always came with
us. Every christmas day spent with them never had a christmas dinner without them
then dad had parkinsons and died in 2011 since then mom has been forgetful and
i thought it was bereavement but it got worse in the last few years to the extent i have
had too get carers in twice a day and i have had to take her to every appointment
doctors hospitals etc. feel as though my life has now come to a sad time and i will
never feel happy again and i worry every day if the phone rings i have had to go
on anxiety meds to help me so you are not alone hope we can become stronger
wishing you all the best xxx

Hi, I am sorry you feel like you do too Trapisha, it's a sadness I wouldn't wish on anyone. A rock in my chest reminds me of what I've lost.
I too am on anxiety meds. They take the edge off I suppose.
62 birthdays, christmases (same as yourself, I never had a Christmas without my mum and dad), anniversarys, holidays etc etc.
I miss them x

 

[Trapisha]

Hi, I am sorry you feel like you do too Trapisha, it's a sadness I wouldn't wish on anyone. A rock in my chest reminds me of what I've lost.
I too am on anxiety meds. They take the edge off I suppose.
62 birthdays, christmases (same as yourself, I never had a Christmas without my mum and dad), anniversarys, holidays etc etc.
I miss them x

Sending you a cyber hug yak55 i am same age as you too xxxx

 

[Portia100874]

I have been ill lately, I think also a little depressed. When Mum went into a CH I felt relief. It didn't last long and then the doubt set in. It's been 8 weeks now and after taking Mum out for lunch today I feel worse. I've suddenly realised that instead of feeling better and accepting the situation I don't.
It hit me today when Mum had a few tears and didn't want to go back. She doesn't make a fuss or get angry, that's not my Mum. I'm lucky in a way that there is no aggression in her at this time. The last time, probably a few weeks back, that Mum asked where we were when we approached he door of the CH, I told her this is where you are staying, she understood. Today, in the same scenario, she didn't remember ever being there.
I beat myself up because I can't have Mum with me.
It was never meant to be this way.
I want to go back to that sunny Monday, the 3rd of July 2017.
Me, my husband, Mum and Dad, all packed up ready to go on our caravan holiday in Wareham, Dorset, a favourite place of ours. We always spent our holidays together. We spent all of our 40 years of marriage with my Mum and Dad at Christmas and every special event. Everywhere I go I remember them.
That day Dad became jaundiced and 4 weeks later, my darling, generous, gentle Dad died. I still can't believe it. He was playing old three times a week just before the holiday, how can it of happened? He was never ill, not even a headache.
My Dads gone, my Mum too in a way and now we have sold their home, furniture and possessions have been either put in a memory box or moved on to other family members and a lot has gone to the tip.
I'm still up as I cannot sleep. I think I'm alright but I'm not. The future is unknown and right now I'm worrying about Mum.
I listen to a conversation and miss half of it because I'm thinking of her.
Sorry, I don't know where that all came from but it's so good to get it out.
Thank you if you read it x

 

[Portia100874]

I know exactly how you feel ! My darling mum has been in a care home for nearly a year but it doesn’t get any easier. I take her out and about but she never really wants to go home and I leave her and feel guilty as hell. I wish I could turn the clock back to 2016 when our family was complete, we lost my beloved sister to cancer in December 2016 and my mum got dementia shortly afterwards been an awful time for us and our family has completely turned upside down. You’re not alone xx

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

Yak 55 So sorry for how you are feeling but i know exactly how it feels because
i am going through the same its just awful how a life can change at the flip of a hat
i always thought my mom and dad would be with me for years and years like you
went on holiday every year with my two boys and and mom and dad always came with
us. Every christmas day spent with them never had a christmas dinner without them
then dad had parkinsons and died in 2011 since then mom has been forgetful and
i thought it was bereavement but it got worse in the last few years to the extent i have
had too get carers in twice a day and i have had to take her to every appointment
doctors hospitals etc. feel as though my life has now come to a sad time and i will
never feel happy again and i worry every day if the phone rings i have had to go
on anxiety meds to help me so you are not alone hope we can become stronger
wishing you all the best xxx

@yak55 I'm not surprised you have become depressed as there is so much loss in a short time. You have many friends here who will listen and sympathise. @Trapisha, your story is so similar to mine. My dad (73) died very suddenly and unexpectedly in Berlin in 2010. They were driving their caravan around Europe. They were very active and enjoying retirement, but within a year my mum was showing signs of vascular dementia. I'm their only child, so the last eight years have transformed my life, and I struggle with my feelings and feel I have lost parts of my personality, the best parts! She is in my head all the time, I sleep badly, I had to stop drinking because I started to want to have 3 glasses of wine every night, sometimes more. It's not been great for my relationships with my husband, children, grandchildren and friends. I'm giving up my job which I once enjoyed as I can't cope with my phone going off all the time when I'm teaching. Anyway, I'm going to look at care homes and have drawn a line in the sand at 2 years from now. It's just too much and I have such respect for people who care to the end, but I just can't.

 

[Trapisha]

@yak55 I'm not surprised you have become depressed as there is so much loss in a short time. You have many friends here who will listen and sympathise. @Trapisha, your story is so similar to mine. My dad (73) died very suddenly and unexpectedly in Berlin in 2010. They were driving their caravan around Europe. They were very active and enjoying retirement, but within a year my mum was showing signs of vascular dementia. I'm their only child, so the last eight years have transformed my life, and I struggle with my feelings and feel I have lost parts of my personality, the best parts! She is in my head all the time, I sleep badly, I had to stop drinking because I started to want to have 3 glasses of wine every night, sometimes more. It's not been great for my relationships with my husband, children, grandchildren and friends. I'm giving up my job which I once enjoyed as I can't cope with my phone going off all the time when I'm teaching. Anyway, I'm going to look at care homes and have drawn a line in the sand at 2 years from now. It's just too much and I have such respect for people who care to the end, but I just can't.

Oh norfolk cherry you are a mirror version of myself! my dad died December 2010 from
parkinsons and my mom cared for him until he had to go into a home when he got so bad,
thats when mom started to show signs of forgetfulness.I too am an only child and feel i
have no one to share this awful time with, i have been so close to mom like my best
friend but now i can't have a normal conversation with her unless I talk about the now.
I dread every morning in case carers ring me with something bad happening so i wake
up very nervous. I just want to feel normal again my mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia and AS which is mixed dementia i could not believe it was happening i don't
think there is one hour that she isn't on my mind everyday it has consumed my life and
taken my interest out of everything i used to enjoy for the last six months.
I am so sad all the time talking on here helps get it off your chest at least. So i know
how you are feeling its just horrible isn't it i do hope we can feel a little easier in time.
I also feel i couldn't care for her until the end I'm not strong enough for that. it would kill
me watching her but there is nothing we can do just take each day at a time.

Sending you a hug and best wishes and keep strong xxxxx

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

Oh norfolk cherry you are a mirror version of myself! my dad died December 2010 from
parkinsons and my mom cared for him until he had to go into a home when he got so bad,
thats when mom started to show signs of forgetfulness.I too am an only child and feel i
have no one to share this awful time with, i have been so close to mom like my best
friend but now i can't have a normal conversation with her unless I talk about the now.
I dread every morning in case carers ring me with something bad happening so i wake
up very nervous. I just want to feel normal again my mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia and AS which is mixed dementia i could not believe it was happening i don't
think there is one hour that she isn't on my mind everyday it has consumed my life and
taken my interest out of everything i used to enjoy for the last six months.
I am so sad all the time talking on here helps get it off your chest at least. So i know
how you are feeling its just horrible isn't it i do hope we can feel a little easier in time.
I also feel i couldn't care for her until the end I'm not strong enough for that. it would kill
me watching her but there is nothing we can do just take each day at a time.

Sending you a hug and best wishes and keep strong xxxxx

Yes I know those feelings. I used to get overwhelming sadness, but as time has passed it has become less out of control. This site and all the people sharing their experiences is a huge support, I only found it recently and being able to connect with people like yourself undergoing the exact same experiences is rescuing my sanity! We will get through this together @Trapisha,sending a hug and don't forget the self care xxxxx

 

[Trapisha]

Yes I know those feelings. I used to get overwhelming sadness, but as time has passed it has become less out of control. This site and all the people sharing their experiences is a huge support, I only found it recently and being able to connect with people like yourself undergoing the exact same experiences is rescuing my sanity! We will get through this together @Trapisha,sending a hug and don't forget the self care xxxxx

Thank you xxxxx

 

[jumbo]

I have been ill lately, I think also a little depressed. When Mum went into a CH I felt relief. It didn't last long and then the doubt set in. It's been 8 weeks now and after taking Mum out for lunch today I feel worse. I've suddenly realised that instead of feeling better and accepting the situation I don't.
It hit me today when Mum had a few tears and didn't want to go back. She doesn't make a fuss or get angry, that's not my Mum. I'm lucky in a way that there is no aggression in her at this time. The last time, probably a few weeks back, that Mum asked where we were when we approached he door of the CH, I told her this is where you are staying, she understood. Today, in the same scenario, she didn't remember ever being there.
I beat myself up because I can't have Mum with me.
It was never meant to be this way.
I want to go back to that sunny Monday, the 3rd of July 2017.
Me, my husband, Mum and Dad, all packed up ready to go on our caravan holiday in Wareham, Dorset, a favourite place of ours. We always spent our holidays together. We spent all of our 40 years of marriage with my Mum and Dad at Christmas and every special event. Everywhere I go I remember them.
That day Dad became jaundiced and 4 weeks later, my darling, generous, gentle Dad died. I still can't believe it. He was playing old three times a week just before the holiday, how can it of happened? He was never ill, not even a headache.
My Dads gone, my Mum too in a way and now we have sold their home, furniture and possessions have been either put in a memory box or moved on to other family members and a lot has gone to the tip.
I'm still up as I cannot sleep. I think I'm alright but I'm not. The future is unknown and right now I'm worrying about Mum.
I listen to a conversation and miss half of it because I'm thinking of her.
Sorry, I don't know where that all came from but it's so good to get it out.
Thank you if you read it x

Hi there,
Isn't it amazing just how life can turn out to be so awful with your Dad dying so suddenly and now your Mum in a care home. Yes I too worry about the future but then tell myself that it is out of my hands. My wife's illness has developed over ten years and the dementia leaves her extremely weak and sleepy for most of the day and night. We do have conversations but then I realise that she cannot remember them. I ask myself what has happened to this very intelligent lady who was up there with the best? Just to make matters worse she has been treated for cancer over the past year - she cannot remember anything about the operation and cannot understand monthly trips to the hospital for scans etc. Our family don't care and are far too focused on their own careers and family to give any time. We are lucky to receive a monthly phone call and then that is usually late at night whilst driving! I try to do my best for my wife and cherish the moments that she smiles. This usually happens when watching a late night TV programme which reminds her of her youth. I am going to stop now as I have to get my wife up and ready to go to the hairdressers. She usually falls asleep in the chair but the hairdresser is very understanding. On average it takes me two hours to get her moving and ready to go out.Then despite having spoken about it at length we shall get in the car and she will ask me where we are going and why! Do take care and try not to blame yourself. I feel that it is only a matter of time before my wife ends up in a care home.
Regards,
Jumbo

 

[smartieplum]

Isn't life awful. My wee mammy worked until 71 was always on the go and walked fast. Now in a care home walking difficulties and of course the dementia. To read that it doesn't get easier for some is utterly depressing. I could just curl up and die.

 

[Trapisha]

Me too Smartieplum my mom used to walk so fast that my dad used to ask "where's there fire"
and now clings on to my arm as though can't walk alone anymore! i feel somedays like never
getting off the sofa and have to make myself go through the day as best i can dreading every
phone call. Why do we have to go through this ?