How to get Mum to accept help.

[Guineapig]

My Mum is 84 and caring for my Dad who is 89 and has mid stage Alzheimer's.I live 100 miles away, my brother died age 56, so there is now only me. I visited today and my Mum's health is clearly suffering. She is losing weight and looks exhausted. I have begged her to let me organise some help with housework etc. or someone to sit with my Dad for a while so she has a break, but she won't hear of it.Mum is determined to manage. Some friends and family there have offered help but she has refused all of their offers. I am worried sick about them,but feel helpless because Mum won't accept help. I asked her to register as a carer with her GP but she won't even do that. Has anyone else been in this situation who can advise me please?I did say would she go to the GP for a check-up, but no was the answer.

 

[karaokePete]

I do wonder if a 'reverse' style question would strike a chord with your Mum. Something along the lines of "How will you be able to help Dad if you get ill yourself?". It is a simple truth that your Mum won't be any use to herself or your Dad if she gets ill so maybe that would register.
I realise that you may have tried this already but I don't have anything else to offer as I don't have experience of the situation. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Guineapig]

I do wonder if a 'reverse' style question would strike a chord with your Mum. Something along the lines of "How will you be able to help Dad if you get ill yourself?". It is a simple truth that your Mum won't be any use to herself or your Dad if she gets ill so maybe that would register.
I realise that you may have tried this already but I don't have anything else to offer as I don't have experience of the situation. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you for replying,I tried something similar but I will try making it a more direct question, that's a good idea.
Go gently.

 

[acorns]

Could you contact her doctor and the social services and say you are concerned about her health and ask them to call with her? She'd be v angry with you but at the same time probably relieved. They have a duty of care to the alzheimer sufferer but also to their main carer which is your mum. (If they can't do that then could you go up and see them yourself or arrange for them to call when you're there? I used to visit every 3 weeks then every week by booking public transport months ahead to get the best prices.)

 

[Jacs321]

For the older generation i thinks social care is an issue. Medical professionals are different in their eyes. Agree GP is a good start if you can get her there but maybe an alternative approach? Maybe contact the GP and ask if they can visit on the pretence of seeing dad and see mum that way? Who is reviewing dad? Do they have an Admiral nurse? If not ask if there is one in the area and ask for mum and dad to be referred? Ours is amazing and has been my lifeline in the short time i have had her. They are not readily available but if you can find ouy local criteria that might be worth a shot too.

 

[Witzend]

I agree with jac, re social care being an issue with many older people. There is often IMO an old fashioned stigma attached to social services - seen as needed only by the feckless/improvident. Also I think there is often a worry that they will high-handedly interfere ('for your own good'), pry into their private affairs, and forcibly place people into care.
My mother was certainly one with such ideas, and I think she was not untypical of her generation.

It may be worth reminding anyone with these ideas that all social services depts. are chronically short of funds and lack of sufficient help/care even when asked for, is rather more likely nowadays.