sorry its all me, me, me

[shaz574]

Hiya, this is my first time posting, but i think i've got to the stage where i need some help. My mum hasn't yet been diagnosed mainly because i can't get her to go to the doctor (she doesn't think she has a problem).

Mums living with me as she can't cope being on her own, but i'm finding it so hard to cope myself. I think i've done the wrong thing having her move in. I can't go anywhere on my own, when i do go out for a few hours alone or with friends, shes waiting on the doorstep for me, moaning that i've been too long, and that shes been bored and fed up. If i leave the room she comes looking for me, she comes into my room at night, so i'm not getting any proper sleep. My doctors solution was to give me sleeping pills but i don't want to go down that road. I'm already taking antidepressents but they don't seem to be helping.

On Sunday night we had the most awful argument, it started because I was cleaning the house, she said some terrible things to me and i'm ashamed to say I said some awful things back. It got so bad i was having a panic attack, I couldn't breathe, I was shaking so much I thought I was going to pass out, but all she did was scream at me, telling me i'm selfish, spiteful and uncaring. All i wanted to do was mop the floor. Although she started the arguement, she turned it all around to be my fault and in the end i just agreed with her to get some peace and to be left alone, but she still couldn't let it drop, I,m at the end of my tether, i just don't know where to turn.

I don't know what to do now, I get no help from my family, my brother,s head is buried so far in the sand he,s comming up in Australlia, he thinks if he doen't see it or accept theres anything wrong it isn't happening, in his words he "can't handle the stress", I wish I had that luxuary.

I'm sorry to have rambled on and on, but its helped just writing it down.

Thank you
Sharon

 

[ella]

Hi Sharon

I know exactly how you feel. My mum was only diagnosed recently but seems to be deteriorating quite quickly! I do not live with my mum as my dad is still alive, I stayed with them for 4 days over the weekend and listened to my mum screaming at my dad, telling him she was leaving & getting a divorce (been married 62 years). She then kept referring to me as the BITCH all day Saturday to whoever she spoke to, as you can imagine this upset me very much....Next morning I was a good girl & she loved me very much!! So you see where I'm coming from, it is very hard and upsetting and I know for certain I could NOT live with that 24/7. Unfortunately, my dad has to cope with it and he is not well either. I don't know the answer but maybe someone else would be able to advise you, have you spoken to her GP? If not, I would go down that road first.....Hope it helps

Ella

 

[jane@hotmail]

Hi Sharon,

You must be under a huge amount of stress at the moment. You sound as if you're in a situation that's spiralling out of control.

How old is your mum? How long has she been living with you? Do you share the same doctor? I'm thinking that maybe you could go and see him and explain how bad things are getting and tell him your concerns for your mum, and her reluctance to see the doctor herself. Maybe you could arrange for your doctor to ask your mum in, under the pretence of a check up of some kind.

I hope that other members have more suggestions for you. It's very difficult when they don't think they have a problem, but believe me, it's very common.

You may find that you have to sit down with your mum and tell her how much the argument has upset you, and how worried you are about her and that you'd like her to see the doctor and that you'd go with her. Emphasize that you love her dearly and you just want her to do that for you. Try not to accuse her, but suggest it's a problem you both have and she just might go along with it..............

You mentioned that you 'just agreed with her to get some peace'. Well that's always a good strategy. It may come in useful when trying to get her to the doctor. That really is the first step to take , you have to get her assessed, so at least you know what your dealing with.

I wish you lots of luck, Jane x

 

[gill@anchorage5]

Support needed

Hi Sharon

Welcome to TP - you will find some good support here from people who know exactly what you're going through, and it's a great place to "get things off your chest" too (& believe me - we all need that!)

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. Somehow you need to get the GP involved, as this can then open other doors for you - e.g getting social worker & community mental health nurse allocated all of which provide moral support & practical advice for the carer as well as the sufferer. Appreciate it's difficult to get a moment to yourself to do it, but could you contact her GP either by phone or in writing to express your concerns about your Mum?

Don't beat yourself up over the argument with your Mum, it takes the patience of a saint not to "lose it" now again, despite our best intentions to "walk away" from aggressive outbursts. It's easier said than done (we may be carers - but we are only human after all!) I love my Dad dearly, but there are times when I confess I have shouted back & immediately regretted it! One consolation is that your Mum is likely to have forgotten all about it soon after (it's just that we find it harder to forget!)

Hope you manage to get the support you need. The Alzheimer's helpline can give you good advice of where to start(but again you will need the time alone to speak to them.) I'm sure you will get a lot of advice on here from other members too. Wish you lots of luck - & try to take care of yourself too.

Love Gill x

As for brothers burying heads in the sand - I can definitely relate to that one!

 

[helen.tomlinson]

Hiya Sharon

but i think i've got to the stage where i need some help.

This is a good place to start. You do need the help from your mum's GP because in order to access other forms of help, your mum needs to have a diagnosis. Perhaps your local branch of the Alzheimers society might have someone come round to see you at home and you can tell mum it's a friend or something

It's not possible to tell from a first post how much that person knows about these illnesses but your mum's aggression certainly seems something a lot of people on here are having to cope with. I don't know whether you realise it's more than likely to be the illness rather than personal.

Perhaps you could get her GP to write to your mum requesting that she attend an annual check up (or something like that) in order for the GP to be able to do an initial assessment. If the GP feels there is something not right, the GP will refer your mum to see a specialist. It also might help for you to keep a diary to log mum's behaviour.

Love Helen

 

[fearful fiona]

Hello Sharon,

Everyone has already given you loads of advice so nothing extra to add. When I was going through the same thing with my Mum (who didn't think anything was wrong) I managed to get the GP to drop in for a visit. Once you've got the GP on the case, hopefully your Mum will be "in the system" so there will be professionals to help you and your Mum all along the way.

You've done the best thing joining TP - welcome. It has been a lifesaver for me. Not only will you get a sympathetic ear from loads of other members, you will get practical advice too, and also if you want, some chance to switch off and have a little laugh too. After all, we are all human.

Keep in touch.

 

[Lynne]

No - us, us, us.

I'm sorry to have rambled on and on, but its helped just writing it down

Yes, it's a good start. Perhaps the next step would be to write the situation down in a letter for Mum's doctor (don't hide anything, tell it like it is) so that he/she is in on it.
Whilst he may not feel now that he can discuss your Mum with you without her consent, 'professional confidence' doesn't prevent him reading information which may help him to make a judgement about her state of health. Ask for a home visit if possible, explaining that she wouldn't come along to the health centre for a normal appointment.

Best wishes

 

[Nebiroth]

You don't say what - if anything - else makes you suspect that your mum has some sort of dementia. Does she have any of the other typical symptoms such as forgetfulness, confusion, that sort of thing? For example, having trouble with conversations and using made-up replacements for real words, confusion over what time of day it is (mixing up morning and evening, constantly asking what time it is, what day it is, etc). Does she have a poor short-term memory?

I only ask because there are other mental illnesses that can lead to personality changes and uncharacteristic outbursts of agression - I'm assuming, from what you say, that your mum is acting out of character or a bit of "normal grumpiness" has suddenly gone to an extreme? Of course when one is dealing with an older person then "dementia" tends to spring to mind in the same way that someone finding a lump immediately thinks of cancer.

Unfortunately, the only way forward is medical help. You may beed to collude with mum's GP to get her to go. It helps if you share the same doctor. Strategies might be to get the doctor to "invite" mum for a "routine examination for people her age" or something like that. Most people regard the doctor as an authority figure and are reluctant to ignore what they say.

It might even be possible to ask mum to accompany you to the doctor for an appointment that is ostensibly for you but in reality is a pretense - just say that you're nervous and would mum go with you to hold your hand...the doctor could then casually ask some questions of mum and see how things go from there.

Most doctors will have come across this situation - most people with dementia believe there is nothing wrong with them - and are usually willing to find "ways" around the problem.

A home visit in another possibility. Don;t be afraid to stick to your guns - if you can't get mum to the surgery then you can't!

 

[shaz574]

Thank you all so much for your advice. Everyone is so understanding and caring, I really do appriciate it.

I've taken the first step by booking two appointments with the doctor one for me first and for mum straight after. I thought if I could explain everything without her being in the room I would save myself from another arguement and she also wouldn't be able to contradict what I was telling him.

Mum is 77 yrs old and does have most of the other symptoms discribed. She doesn't know what day it is, what year it is, and constantly asks me the same questions over and over. She gets very confused and I often find her just standing in the middle of a room, not knowing where she was going or what she was going to do. She also tends to obcess about things, her handbag being the main thing, constantly searching through it for something, getting angry when she can't find what she's looking for, and a few minuites later searching for it again (I have to say that it drives me mad)

Sorry I've rambled on again

Thank you once again

Shaz

 

[bert]

hi sharon. i done my first post this morning and its been great to get replies off people. like you i had a bit of a rant too!this is all new to me so i wont say too much. keep your chin up.

all the best

bert

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Bert

It is so good to see how quickly you have been able to offer support to another member.
Keep up the good work.
Love xx

 

[Margarita]

I can't go anywhere on my own, when i do go out for a few hours alone or with friends, shes waiting on the doorstep for me, moaning that i've been too long, and that shes been bored and fed up. If i leave the room she comes looking for me, she comes into my room at night, so i'm not getting any proper sleep

I know what you mean not being able to to go out alone I remember those days, mum waiting at the door for me she would even knock on my friends door who lived downstairs to me asking if I was they, even if I was not they , but just out shopping.

I could never give my mother a time I was getting back because if I was late she be having a panic attach.

Also about the cleaning, we end up having a massive argument , because she get into her head that I was only cleaning because people where coming around.

also coming into my bedroom as I was sleeping , also into my daughters rooms turning on all the lights waking my daughters up who had to be up early for school , I also would lose my temper in the middle of the night trying to get her back to sleep with mum nearly going for me with anger.

This all happen before I new my mother had a dementia.

so i'm not getting any proper sleep. My doctors solution was to give me sleeping pills but i don't want to go down that road. I'm already taking antidepressents but they don't seem to be helping.

Cat naps during the day use to help me cope .

Also keep going out on your own, as I was told back then that if I stay in with my mother all the time she find it harder to cope alone in the future, with other people, as she became total Dependant on me alone & won't except help from anyone , but me .

as that why its good that she Mixes with other people at day center

Try get your mother to go age concern day center . I told my mother that being together all the time we where just getting on each other nerves . I need my life if we are to keep living together , she needs to find something to do away from me .

Hardest part for you now is getting your mother to agree to talk to the doctor .

My mother was driving me around the bend with her following me wanting me they all the time .

That I went to the doctor with my mother saying to mum it was about her dietetic, Then just came out with it in fount of the doctor in around about way.

writing it down & handing note to doctor sounds like a good idea , like someone said above

Yes we had loads of argument about getting mum diagnosed, then getting mum to memory clinic then brain scan .

Can't say medication for AZ was a great help, but it did help with the sleeping at night time also following me around so much also gave mum more clarity of mind understanding that I needed to work full time, be left with another family member then I also could go out on my own .

Then when it all got worse, medication was not working so good she went to AZ day center .

Now am back to square one , as medication not working so good , but mum does sleep & feel safe in being left alone with other member of family , but I still can't give her the right time when I am getting back other wise she up down looking for me at the fount door, but now is to scared to go into street alone as she feel she fall over, as she very unsteady on her feet

Good Luck