Should I ask family to visit?

[totallyconfused]

Everyone knows the diagnosis but no 1 really calls to see my mother, the odd visit from her niece or nephew but usually months apart. These people say they love and adore her and talk about how she helped raise them but they never ask how she is and rarely visit.

Shes good. Happy. There are things like problems with mirrors, thinking tv/radio is real, confusing people/photos,saying helo to her own reflection. Its becoming more and more obvious and Id like people to see her before shes gets worse. I don't know when she will get worse so I don't want to panic people either.

Should I ask them to visit or should I leave it up to them? My mother is fond of them but would be confused about them now. If she knows they are coming and you can explain who they are then its better.

 

[Starter]

Everyone knows the diagnosis but no 1 really calls to see my mother, the odd visit from her niece or nephew but usually months apart. These people say they love and adore her and talk about how she helped raise them but they never ask how she is and rarely visit.

Shes good. Happy. There are things like problems with mirrors, thinking tv/radio is real, confusing people/photos,saying helo to her own reflection. Its becoming more and more obvious and Id like people to see her before shes gets worse. I don't know when she will get worse so I don't want to panic people either.

Should I ask them to visit or should I leave it up to them? My mother is fond of them but would be confused about them now. If she knows they are coming and you can explain who they are then its better.

Goodness, I could have written this post! I just don't understand why mum's family and friends don't visit more. I wonder if she had been diagnosed with a 'physical' terminal illness, would people rally round more? I haven't asked them to visit her but I make sure that I give them all in depth updates whether they ask or not!

 

[Bunpoots]

If it were me I think I'd talk to the relatives and tell them how it is then let them make their own choices. But spell out that the longer they leave it the less likely it is that she'll recognise them.

Difficult trying to find the right balance isn't it? I get on with looking after dad without help from family, or visits, but occasionally get an "you should have let us know" aimed in my direction...as if I have the time

 

[totallyconfused]

When they do visit, shes all happy and smiles but not long after they leave, you get the drained look on her face.

When my dad was sick with cancer, people visited more. Is it a mix of denial/being uncomfortable in the situation-not knowing what to say/do?

If people are in denial then I don't want to force them into acceptance but I also don't want anybody to say I didn't tell them etc.

They all know the diagnosis. Alzheihmers only gets worse, we just don't know how long we have. Why not see her while she can still chat away?Even if its just over tea and a scone for half hour?

 

[malengwa]

It's a tricky balance isn't it. I have two brothers who visit about every two months. I keep them informed so they can't say 'I didn't know' but realised early on that I can't make them visit nor can I make them care. Well in their way they do care, just not in a way I understand. Mum doesn't remember when they've been anyway.

 

[Philbo]

Hi

My wife is the eldest of 3 sisters and 1 brother. (she's 66).

When she was first diagnosed (Jan 2014), her siblings used to have quite a bit of contact (2 live a mile away, 1 lives about 90 minutes away). No though, the youngest sister (the one furthest away), only visits about every 3 months and then only for a short time. She also telephones about once every 2 or 3 weeks (I realise that as my wife has problems understanding and speaking, it is mainly a one-sided conversation).

I find it upsetting that this sister is not making more of an effort to visit more regularly (her and her husband are both retired), whilst my wife still has some awareness of who she is? I guess it may be that she finds it hard to deal with the situation but they were previously very close. The other sister and brother are both quite supportive and we see them once or twice a week.

We are fortunate to have a great bunch of friends in our local pub, where we visit most weekends. They really make a fuss of my wife and she seems to enjoy their company. It has certainly been a "safe haven" for me over this last 3+ years, without which, I think I would have gone nuts?

 

[cragmaid]

I think you should be guided by Mum's reactions. If she is exhausted with putting up a front during their visits or tired and confused after they have been, their visits are probably not doing her much good. My Mum needed visits that were long enough to give her a chance of remembering the visitor but not too long that she needed rescuing.... perhaps anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes, certainly as she sank lower into her illness the shorter the better. Even I, living luckily only minutes walking time away, would rather visit twice in the same day for ten minutes, than sit and have her go over and over the same things.