Will Mum ever settle?

[Singing Friend]

My mum moved into a nearby care home three weeks ago, initially for four weeks while they assessed her needs and saw how she was. The idea was for her to then carry on there. I organised all this and moved her in, although I live quite a long way from her (250+ miles), so after a few days I came home. Other family members have visited in the last three weeks, as well as telephoned her. She is very confused about where she is and why, and obviously misses having someone from her family about her.

Today the home manager rang, partly to set up her review meeting next week, but also to flag up that she doesn't appear to have settled. Chatting to my sister this evening (who lives fairly close and has visited four or five times) her perception is that although she seems to like the people she is missing her family and is basically homesick! I don't know if the manager's call was a warning that they might not feel that she should stay there, but I fear it might have been.

The sister who has been living with her in her own home (my mum's) is not well herself and my nephew who has been doing a lot of her care is working away from home now, and next year will be living away at university, so she can't just go home again.

I don't know what they will say when I go to the home next week, but is there anything we could do to help her settle there? I expect in the longer term we could perhaps sort out some sort of alternative care, but not in the immediate future. There are six of us siblings and we're all doing our part, but of course everyone has their own lives and responsibilities, and live all over the country. I'd hate to uproot myself but if I have to I would, but would prefer to find another solution if there is one.

Has anyone else had this experience? What did you do?

 

[canary]

Three weeks for someone with dementia to settle is nothing at all.
My mum was moved to a care home, it took her six weeks and I considered that quick, it often takes several months. If the staff in the care home understand about dementia they aught to know that and try to distract her. Im sorry you have had all this upset.

 

[DMac]

It took my MIL several weeks to settle in her care home - I lost count of how many. But she did get there eventually.

In the beginning, it was very fraught. She used to hang about by the exit doors all day, waiting for a chance to escape. At that time the care home manager was absolutely adamant that they could not meet her needs, because of her overwhelming anxiety. There followed a battle between the care home and social services, each trying to push the problem onto the other. SS basically forced the care home to take her, because there was simply no other option.

I can't pinpoint what changed or why, but she did settle eventually. All I can say is that the care home staff are wonderful with her, and I think she now trusts them and recognises the care home as "home". When you meet with the manager, I suggest it's not unreasonable for you to ask them to continue persevering, as 3 weeks is no time at all. I hope the review meeting goes well for you.

 

[Aisling]

My mum moved into a nearby care home three weeks ago, initially for four weeks while they assessed her needs and saw how she was. The idea was for her to then carry on there. I organised all this and moved her in, although I live quite a long way from her (250+ miles), so after a few days I came home. Other family members have visited in the last three weeks, as well as telephoned her. She is very confused about where she is and why, and obviously misses having someone from her family about her.

Today the home manager rang, partly to set up her review meeting next week, but also to flag up that she doesn't appear to have settled. Chatting to my sister this evening (who lives fairly close and has visited four or five times) her perception is that although she seems to like the people she is missing her family and is basically homesick! I don't know if the manager's call was a warning that they might not feel that she should stay there, but I fear it might have been.

The sister who has been living with her in her own home (my mum's) is not well herself and my nephew who has been doing a lot of her care is working away from home now, and next year will be living away at university, so she can't just go home again.

I don't know what they will say when I go to the home next week, but is there anything we could do to help her settle there? I expect in the longer term we could perhaps sort out some sort of alternative care, but not in the immediate future. There are six of us siblings and we're all doing our part, but of course everyone has their own lives and responsibilities, and live all over the country. I'd hate to uproot myself but if I have to I would, but would prefer to find another solution if there is one.

Has anyone else had this experience? What did you do?

I can be blunt sometimes. Sorry. 3 weeks is nothing. Has manager nothing better to do than flag up silly opinions. Your Mum needs this care. Go to review of course but I think you should not talk about looking at alternative care. Don't even think about uprooting yourself at this stage. Family members at review must sing from the same song sheet. Your Mum needs to be in the CH. this is sickening I know but say how pleased you all are that she in the CH and you know it takes time to settle. Your Mum is a vulnerable adult.

Sending you support,

Aisling

 

[Scouts girl]

Sorry, but it is outrageous that the manager should contact you to say that your mum has not settled only after 3 weeks. You are going through enough torment having to make the decision to move her into a care home without the manager giving her silly opinion in settling time. My mum has been in care for 6 months and is still very unsettled but isnt that part of the frustration of coming to terms with a completely new environment and having to understand the reasoning for someone being there, which my mum does not understand and just keeps pleading with me to take her home. The manager of my mums care home says it can take up to a year in some cases for a person with dementia to settle and sometimes they never do. Every one is different, some settle really quickly and some take longer, possibly to do with their living environment previously? It is so hard and I do hope your mum will settle soon. Take each day as it comes and be comforted to know that she is now safe and well cared for. Xx

 

[Delphie]

I completely agree that 3 weeks is not very long and that the manager shouldn't be flagging it up as a concern. Maybe they're new to the job.

It took far longer for my mum to settle. Several months in fact. But eventually she did, and even at the beginning there was no question that the care home was the best place for her. She wasn't happy there, but then she hadn't been happy at home either. At least at the care home she was fed, clean and warm.

The early stages were a difficult time but what helped was me visiting less often. Much less often. Sometimes family act as a trigger for restlessness and that was definitely it in my mum's case.

It's a difficult time but we have to be pragmatic. In your case, no family member can take on the care again and I'm guessing that mum can no longer live independently. So residential care is the next best thing.

And to be honest, it's been the best thing for my mum, in the long run. Hopefully your mum will settle too. Most people do.

 

[Singing Friend]

Thanks for your comments. It helps to have someone commenting from "outside" the situation but who knows what it's like! I agree that three weeks is really no time at all to expect someone to settle, especially as she's lived in her home for 65 years (and it's the only place she has lived as an adult). But I suspect she is really missing her family - any or all of us, it doesn't matter! She's never, ever, lived without someone else around, and now she's surrounded by lots of people who she can't really relate to because she doesn't remember she's met them before - i.e. half an hour ago!

But no, I don't think we're in any position to care for her at home (there are issues with the state of the house as well, and I for one wouldn't want to live there unless and until some of it is sorted out!). Unfortunately the sister who has visited most, and who is officially their first point of contact as she lives nearby, is on holiday next week, so I'll be on my own!

Ah well, I'll be assertive and strong .... I hope!

 

[ellejay]

Picture all of us squashed in behind you, glaring. 3 weeks is no time at all, what's the matter with them

Lin x

 

[Marcelle123]

Yes - it took my Mum 3 months to settle in. She's coming out of hospital today to go home to the Care Home, and I'm thinking (hoping) that it will now seem like home to her.

Very best of luck!

PS - Mum came out of hospital (spent six days there with a clot on her lung) & went back to the Care Home with my sister. She recognised her room straight away and gave a big smile: 'Now that I'm back home again, I shall never travel round the world again!'

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Three weeks is absolutely no time at all. My mother packed up everything every single day for at least 2 months. We removed all bags, cases etc but she found bin liners and there she would be - standing at the door, giving everyone the evil eye.

She hadn't even begun to settle in that time frame.

 

[Rosnpton]

If you are going to be on your own at the meeting,it may be worth getting your siblings to email you their concerns if mum not in the care home,what worried them about her physical and mental state at home etc.
Print them all off and take with you.
Also,consider recording the meeting- or taking good notes-I found I didn't remember everything that was said.id remember one thing as vitally important and my brother something different.

My mumwent into residential April last year-she regularly made escape bids/said she hated it etc etc.
We take it in turns to visit at weekend only-when I went in the week as well (brother lives a distance away and doesn't drive) the staff said she became more agitated.
We take photos and email each other after every visit-sounds stupid but we colour code sentences showing where she was (lounge,garden bedroom)' how she was ( happy,sad,argumentative,sulky) any concerns etc.
We both always carry I pad,so we can take /show photos.
It helps to see a positive photo and email-especially if there have been several fraught upsetting ones.
April this year,she moved to the dementia unit and we are still settling in there.
We regularly print a photo showing her doing something with us,even if only smiling with a cuppa.
Whenever there is entertainment,singers,magic show,etc etc,the staff take photos making sure if a resident is there on own - and family are always encouraged to join in if they can- they are sent a photo.this helps if she is sad/miserable to be able to show her a happy photo join in with something.

I do hope your meeting goes well
Ros

 

[Lancashirelady]

My Mum has been in her CH for 18 months. She now has no memory of the home where she and my dad lived for 40 years, only of the house where she was born. At the same time she regularly forgets that she lives in the CH and talks about leaving things at home or "when she goes home", though she doesn't try to escape, unlike one of the other ladies who has been there for much longer than Mum. I don't necessarily think its down to "settling", more about what the PWD can remember - or not - and how they react to it.

 

[veglady]

My mum has alzeimers and vascular dementia and recently went into a carehome after being in hospital for 4/5 weeks with sepsis and pneumonia. She hadnt been looking after herself after loosing my dad last year. But she has got worse since being in hospital. She has been in carehome for about 5 weeks now, she is still packing everything every couple of days and saying she is moving room. She hasnt said packing to go home. Im finding it hard having her in there but I know she needs the care and she is eating proper meals which she wasnt at home and getting her proper medication. The nurses say its normal for some of them to pack things but when items are put back she doesnt even notice they are back just says she hasnt unpacked yet as only been here a couple days. It does take a long time to settle as their mind is muddled any way. I know my mum needs the care but I think everyone has thoughts of have we done the right thing but it is if they need constant care.

 

[Singing Friend]

Update!

Well I went up there for the meeting on Wednesday morning this week. In fact I arrived in the middle of Tuesday afternoon, so when I'd collected my hire car I drove straight to the home for a brief surprise visit. Mum was sitting in the TV lounge watching Wimbledon. She was delighted to see me (as of course she should be!). But I thought she seemed OK, and certainly was more relaxed than when I left her a few weeks ago.

The manager who rang me and who I was supposed to be meeting wasn''t there the next day - his car broke down! So I met with the Care Manager. It was a pretty positive meeting on the whole, and we've decided that she should stay there for the time being and review in another few weeks. She is apparently very anxious, especially in the evenings and that's one thing which concerns them, but we agreed she should see the doctor about that.

From what she says I think she is settling quite well, but misses her family. And I think she feels hemmed in - they let her go out for a walk whenever she wants but insist someone is with her. At home she was in the habit of walking out a couple of times a day. And she really seemed to appreciate being taken to a garden centre cafe about half a mile away for a cup of tea, then I drove her back the long way around. I think I'd go stir crazy myself if I was stuck in one place, however pleasant, without being able to go out!

So all in all I think it was a good visit and I feel a lot more hopeful. I was calm but assertive and thought of you all standing behind me cheering me on! Thank you for all your support!

 

[Slugsta]

Singing Friend, thanks for the update. I am glad that, on the whole, the meeting was positive.

snip

PS - Mum came out of hospital (spent six days there with a clot on her lung) & went back to the Care Home with my sister. She recognised her room straight away and gave a big smile: 'Now that I'm back home again, I shall never travel round the world again!'

Bless her heart!

 

[Rosnpton]

It's nice that she was reasonably settled when you called in unexpectedly,and that they will review again in a few weeks.
I hope it put your mind to rest a little
Ros

Well I went up there for the meeting on Wednesday morning this week. In fact I arrived in the middle of Tuesday afternoon, so when I'd collected my hire car I drove straight to the home for a brief surprise visit. Mum was sitting in the TV lounge watching Wimbledon. She was delighted to see me (as of course she should be!). But I thought she seemed OK, and certainly was more relaxed than when I left her a few weeks ago.

The manager who rang me and who I was supposed to be meeting wasn''t there the next day - his car broke down! So I met with the Care Manager. It was a pretty positive meeting on the whole, and we've decided that she should stay there for the time being and review in another few weeks. She is apparently very anxious, especially in the evenings and that's one thing which concerns them, but we agreed she should see the doctor about that.

From what she says I think she is settling quite well, but misses her family. And I think she feels hemmed in - they let her go out for a walk whenever she wants but insist someone is with her. At home she was in the habit of walking out a couple of times a day. And she really seemed to appreciate being taken to a garden centre cafe about half a mile away for a cup of tea, then I drove her back the long way around. I think I'd go stir crazy myself if I was stuck in one place, however pleasant, without being able to go out!

So all in all I think it was a good visit and I feel a lot more hopeful. I was calm but assertive and thought of you all standing behind me cheering me on! Thank you for all your support!

 

[Onlyme]

This manager seems very ill informed. Anyone who has spent time in a dementia home will have witnessed the strange transformation of the residents after sundown. It's as if a magic wand has been waved and the previously quiet, still souls decide to get up and cause havoc. This is the reason the phrase 'sundowning' is used.

The only thing I can take from the original call is that your mother is becoming too overly active and they are having to give her one to one care to protect her but that doesn't seem the case according to the manager who seems more hands on.

Mum didn't settle even after 3 years and still thought she was on holiday. I just along with it and we discussed how we had enjoyed our time and would pack to go home later.

 

[Singing Friend]

The only thing I can take from the original call is that your mother is becoming too overly active and they are having to give her one to one care to protect her but that doesn't seem the case according to the manager who seems more hands on.

Yes, that could be the case. The manager mostly seems to work during the day. He seems to know the residents and interacts with them - Mum likes the "nice young man"! - but his role is the overall management, not the care of individuals. Whereas the care manager does different shifts and sees people at different times of the day and night.

Mum has not so far been particularly over active in the evenings, but things change, and it's been a huge upheaval for her. And I think she has been fretting about how things are at home and talking a lot about it. And she does talk a lot about how far she can walk and maybe she could walk home (it's a good 6 miles!), so they're a bit worried that she'll take off! In fact she's all talk - she does walk well but only short distances!

Ah well, hopefully they'll learn to cope with her!

 

[hancmont]

My mum moved into a nearby care home three weeks ago, initially for four weeks while they assessed her needs and saw how she was. The idea was for her to then carry on there. I organised all this and moved her in, although I live quite a long way from her (250+ miles), so after a few days I came home. Other family members have visited in the last three weeks, as well as telephoned her. She is very confused about where she is and why, and obviously misses having someone from her family about her.

Today the home manager rang, partly to set up her review meeting next week, but also to flag up that she doesn't appear to have settled. Chatting to my sister this evening (who lives fairly close and has visited four or five times) her perception is that although she seems to like the people she is missing her family and is basically homesick! I don't know if the manager's call was a warning that they might not feel that she should stay there, but I fear it might have been.

The sister who has been living with her in her own home (my mum's) is not well herself and my nephew who has been doing a lot of her care is working away from home now, and next year will be living away at university, so she can't just go home again.

I don't know what they will say when I go to the home next week, but is there anything we could do to help her settle there? I expect in the longer term we could perhaps sort out some sort of alternative care, but not in the immediate future. There are six of us siblings and we're all doing our part, but of course everyone has their own lives and responsibilities, and live all over the country. I'd hate to uproot myself but if I have to I would, but would prefer to find another solution if there is one.

Has anyone else had this experience? What did you do?

my mum moved into a CH last June and it took a good 6 months before she even came out of her room or engaged with anyone. She refused all medication and we had a worrying 3 months of her eating virtually nothing. Her carers were amazing and tried a load of different strategies to help with her eating, such as realising that they should let her dish up her own food (so she could see where it was coming from and therefore didn't think it was poisoned). Giving her a key to her room so she could lock the door when she went out. Basically what I'm trying to say is that it is the CH who should be treating your mum as an individual and assessing her particular needs and personality to help her settle in more easily. Don't be afraid to ask questions, check on her as much as you need. I live 250 miles away from my mum and my brother is local so visits regularly. Don't beat yourself up about that - you clearly care for your mum. She will 'settle' to a degree but don't worry if like my mum, she is confused and constantly asks to 'go home', this is quite 'normal'. I know my mum is in the best place, she is safe and cared for and that is the main thing. Best of luck x

 

[Singing Friend]

I don't know if a reply this thread will still show up. I assume it will, so I thought I'd post a follow-up on my Mum's progress. She's now been in the care home for seven months, and on the whole seems to have settled in, although I still get phone calls when she tells me "I don't know what I should be doing". I just tell her to go with the flow!

Back in November we (one of my sisters and me) took her back to the farm where she lived before she moved into the home, just for a flying visit. She just looked around and said "I lived here for 65 years, didn't I?" Quite true! But she seemed quite happy to be back at the home when I took her there, so on the whole I think it's been a success. Of course nothing stays the same, and now she doesn't remember at all that anyone has visited, although she's had a real flurry of visitors over Christmas, but she enjoys the visits while we're there, so that's good enough. She remembers us all still, but I think her five daughters are all fairly interchangeable. She can list all our names, but not allocate them to us!

Thanks for all your support back in the summer. It's been quite a year, but we're getting there!