Deciding to let them go

[Chocolateeclair]

Hello,
Has anyone else out there been faced with that awful decision when your loved one is unable to fight the umpteenth UT infection and has sepsis; the carers and doctors are pointing to the 'don't take them to hospital route'?
We let my Mum pass peacefully in the care home surrounded by those who loved and cared for her rather than put her through any more.
They said going to hospital would be very stressful and she would most probably come back a lot worse than before and be bed ridden. That is, if she came back at all and then it would only be a matter of weeks before the next infection.
At the time it seemed right to let her go and be with Dad and free from the Alzheimers but now I am feeling the 'what if we had tried sending her to hospital, would she have survived and how would she be?' questions.
She was near to the late stages in her Alzheimers.
I am finding it hard to cope with these feelings.

 

[LadyA]

Hello Chocolateeclair, and my condolences on your loss.
You made a very hard decision, but a decision made out of love. In your mum's best interests, and not your own.
My husband died in his nursing home, ten weeks after I made the decision, in consultation with his doctors, that treating his aspiration pneumonia was not working. He had also lost most of his ability to swallow, and his mobility. He died peacefully, in his own bed, in his own room, with familiar people, whom he loved, around him.

I've said it before on the forum, but it does bear repeating: there does come a point where we need to ask ourselves am I by continuing medical interventions, prolonging life or prolonging the person's death? And, am I doing this for them or for me, because I'm not ready to let them go?

You have been brave enough to allow your mum to die peacefully, and with dignity. Well done.xx

 

[Careforme]

Hello, I am so very sorry to hear the loss of your mum. It is heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you.

My family and I were in the same situation with my mum who passed away four weeks ago aged 65 after eight years of Alzheimer's and then epilepsy.

It is an incredibly difficult situation you are faced with and I completely empathise with you.

Mum had several seizures, uti's, pneumonia, sepsis so many times it is just heartbreaking to watch. Mum was placed in nursing home firstly for respite but as her condition deteriorated mum was placed full time. It was the worst thing I ever wanted but after being told on several occasions to expect the worst it was only the right thing to do for mum. We cared for mum only at home and even this decision was awful.

We were asked when mum was so ill do we wish to take her to hospital but we agreed that it just was not fair for mum. To be put through so much already to potentially going in and yes it may have picked her up but we knew it wouldn't be for long.

I can understand how you are feeling now and wondering have you done the right thing. It's the same which crossed my mind and still now. The only piece of mind or comfort I have is that I know how much I did for my mother and how much I cared and looked after her and doctors and others telling me at these times you are keeping your mum alive.

She was very ill before she passed and it in some ways felt cruel and selfish to want to keep her here. It was not fair on her.

I absolutely struggle without her. I miss her so much and it doesn't feel real at all. Before she did pass I questioned everything what was right, what was best and it hurt so much as I just wish mum was able to tell me how she felt.

I knew for years mum was ill but when I look back now and can picture things that happened how actually ill she was.

You have done everything for your mum and dad and please do not feel guilty or worry that you have not made the right decision. It is so very hard to say but I think there would have been only so many infections your mum would be able to take and for any antibiotics to work how they did before.

It is hard and sounds so harsh when people or doctors say that nothing will work anymore I hated every time they told us.

You have to believe in yourself that you did everything and more for your parents and that they are now at peace and will no longer suffer.

I sometimes wish I could take my own advice!

Stay strong and your mum would be very proud of you x


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[love.dad.but..]

Even when you have made a good kind decision with sound reasoning the what if's appear weeks, months later, I did things round the other way to you, Dad was taken to hospital with sepsis and probably a mini stroke I with the consultant made the decision for him to stop iv fluids and ab and for him to have end of life at his nursing home and not for remittance to hospital unless for extreme reasons ie internal bleed. He died 6 days later. Afterwards I had the what if I had kept him on iv fluids longer etc but his quality of life would have been worse than before, he would have catherised and had lost mobility so in truth there was no kinder alternative or option and a revolving hospital door would not have been kind. He was ready to leave his dementia world, he was declining before the sepsis etc so the inevitable was bound to happen sooner or later, just happened to be sooner. I regret dementia made me make the decision but I don't regret the decision and had courage to put dad before my feelings

 

[Jbob]

I agree with everyone. I have moments of what if? My Dad died just over 2 weeks ago. He had aspiration pneumonia and was not responding as liked to the antibiotics. He was discharged from hospital on eol care and was told he would be nil by mouth thus allowing him to go peacefully.
It was a joint decision with the medical professionals but nevertheless a difficult decision to make. I know Dad would have wanted it as his quality of life was non existent. He couldn't eat or swallow safely, had numerous pressure sores, lost weight and couldn't move or talk very much.
The end was awful to witness but at least he had time to say his goodbyes and went pain free when the time came. I wouldn't wish this cruel disease on anyone. We do what we do with our loved ones best interests at heart. It won't make the pain or loss any better but I can only movexon knowing I did my best for him always and never gave up on him even right until the end! Take care and believe in your decisions you did the right thing!

 

[Babymare01]

When my mother was treated again for another infection I said to doctor "If I kept my dog like this I would be prosecuted for cruelty" (immobile, doubly incontinent, un able to feed self etc) and he just looked away. He couldn't answer me bless him. One of the carers said to me other day " we are cruel to humans allowing the suffering". It was a heartfelt comment from a lovely caring person and we actually shed a tear together. My mind is made up that no more treatment if I can prevent it. My mother has no quality of life and needs to be allowed to find peace. xx

 

[Bunpoots]

I empathise with everyone of theses posts. There does come a time when , however painful, you have to let a loved one go. I had to make the decision for my aunt. She trusted me enough to be her attorney.

It was hard. And it was her own words that made up my mind.

"You wouldn't be allowed to keep a dog like this". She had said when we had to watch my mum (her twin) dying for this horrible disease...

So CCOLE's post has me in tears! For everyone who is left with the "what ifs"...


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[Kijo]

My condolences on the loss of your mom.

I, along with my 2 adult children, had to make the same decision for my husband last month. It was heartbreaking, but at the same time his quality of life was being moved from bed to chair to bed and he had long lost his ability to communicate and that was heartbreaking too.

We could have kept him on IV as he could no longer eat or drink without risk of choking or getting aspiration pneumonia again, and his body was racked with spasms but I know that would have been for us - not him.

I have the what ifs - they sneak into my thoughts from time to time but in my heart I know we did what was best for him; and I know it was his wish for when that day came. The analogy of how we treat our pets comes up often, as it is so true that society allows that we put more care into their peaceful passing than we do our loved ones.

We will, in time, come to terms with our loss and I think realizing he is at peace is what will help banish the what ifs.

I hope your find your peace, and know you are not alone.

 

[Chocolateeclair]

Thanks

Thank you all, it has been good to talk and has helped me greatly.
I have worked through my feelings these past couple of weeks and know that we did the best for Mum.
It is what she would have wanted us to do and not to have kept her alive for us and especially her, to suffer any more.
She is in a much happier place and free. We also are free to find new things in our lives and grasp onto the happy memories.
I miss her terribly, of course and wish I could of had more time with her. Even during her dementia we shared laughs as well as tears.