Another difficult day at the Care Home

[Beachgirl]

I've had another difficult day at the Care Home again. Mum seems to have now stopped thinking rationally, which I am told is a symptom of her dementia worsening. She had her usual list of complaints ready when I went in today. The latest is she wants the key to her drugs cupboard, she wants a bolt put on the door of her room, she wants her TV repositioned which would mean a trailing cable across the floor and she wants the home to stop locking the front door. She had been told that these requests are unfortunately not possible and it has been explained why. She says she understands but then she says it's wrong, it's not fair and that the Home don't know what they are doing.

Her next complaint is that one of her friends didn't go to visit last Friday as usual. The friend did explain many weeks ago that she was going away for a long weekend for a family wedding and would visit another day instead. Mum says she remembers about the wedding but she is furious and says her friend is being selfish and has let her down.

Dad shares a room with Mum at the Care Home. Dad is physically frail but his mind has seemed OK. He's been telling me for a while now that he's fed up with Mum's constant grumbling and all he wants at his time of life is some peace and quiet. He's started taking out his hearing aids so he doesn't have to listen to her. Today he tells me he's had enough and he wants me to get him moved to a different room or preferably to a different Care Home.

I feel a mixture of emotions. I'm sad about Mum's illness, I'm worried about what is the right thing for my Dad, but mainly I'm angry with myself. I have so little to cope with compared with others who care for their loved ones 24/7, but I still don't seem to be able to deal with a visit there without ending up upset or stressed over something.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

I've had another difficult day at the Care Home again. Mum seems to have now stopped thinking rationally, which I am told is a symptom of her dementia worsening. She had her usual list of complaints ready when I went in today. The latest is she wants the key to her drugs cupboard, she wants a bolt put on the door of her room, she wants her TV repositioned which would mean a trailing cable across the floor and she wants the home to stop locking the front door. She had been told that these requests are unfortunately not possible and it has been explained why. She says she understands but then she says it's wrong, it's not fair and that the Home don't know what they are doing.

Her next complaint is that one of her friends didn't go to visit last Friday as usual. The friend did explain many weeks ago that she was going away for a long weekend for a family wedding and would visit another day instead. Mum says she remembers about the wedding but she is furious and says her friend is being selfish and has let her down.

Dad shares a room with Mum at the Care Home. Dad is physically frail but his mind has seemed OK. He's been telling me for a while now that he's fed up with Mum's constant grumbling and all he wants at his time of life is some peace and quiet. He's started taking out his hearing aids so he doesn't have to listen to her. Today he tells me he's had enough and he wants me to get him moved to a different room or preferably to a different Care Home.

I feel a mixture of emotions. I'm sad about Mum's illness, I'm worried about what is the right thing for my Dad, but mainly I'm angry with myself.

[B]I have so little to cope with compared with others who care for their loved ones 24/7, but I still don't seem to be able to deal with a visit there without ending up upset or stressed over something.


" so little to cope with"? I don't think so! Having one parent needing help is hard enough, but when it's two, and their needs conflict, it must be torture for you....I think you're heroic!

It does look as though your poor father has reached his limit when it comes to caring for your mum, and what he wants makes sense, a seperate room, to begin with, would give him some of the peace he so badly needs himself...

I do hope the care home can help sort that out, for all your sakes....

 

[LadyA]

I think too getting your dad a different room has to be a priority. It would also mean that your visits would then be divided between them, so you wouldn't have "concentrated mum" . I know that you know it's the illness - but I also understand that knowing that doesn't make listening to it any easier!

 

[Tin]

Does sound like your father has had enough, any chance the care home can sort something, at first just temporary to see how things go. If the separation works, does that mean that your mother will have to move from double to single room?

 

[SnowWhite]

My friends parents are now dead but a few years ago they were both in the same home but in separate rooms. It was not too bad for a while and then her Dad took over and was controlling his wife's every move. She had to get him moved to another home nearby and then had to arrange for them to meet every so often. It's very sad really.

 

[Verita5]

I've had another difficult day at the Care Home again. Mum seems to have now stopped thinking rationally, which I am told is a symptom of her dementia worsening. She had her usual list of complaints ready when I went in today. The latest is she wants the key to her drugs cupboard, she wants a bolt put on the door of her room, she wants her TV repositioned which would mean a trailing cable across the floor and she wants the home to stop locking the front door. She had been told that these requests are unfortunately not possible and it has been explained why. She says she understands but then she says it's wrong, it's not fair and that the Home don't know what they are doing.

Her next complaint is that one of her friends didn't go to visit last Friday as usual. The friend did explain many weeks ago that she was going away for a long weekend for a family wedding and would visit another day instead. Mum says she remembers about the wedding but she is furious and says her friend is being selfish and has let her down.

Dad shares a room with Mum at the Care Home. Dad is physically frail but his mind has seemed OK. He's been telling me for a while now that he's fed up with Mum's constant grumbling and all he wants at his time of life is some peace and quiet. He's started taking out his hearing aids so he doesn't have to listen to her. Today he tells me he's had enough and he wants me to get him moved to a different room or preferably to a different Care Home.

I feel a mixture of emotions. I'm sad about Mum's illness, I'm worried about what is the right thing for my Dad, but mainly I'm angry with myself. I have so little to cope with compared with others who care for their loved ones 24/7, but I still don't seem to be able to deal with a visit there without ending up upset or stressed over something.

I really feel your pain - I often leave my mum's care home and burst into tears, it's so hard. When my mum complains I keep diverting her attention to other things, topics, activities or we go into the garden or to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I liaise with the care staff as well because they've seen it all before and can usually offer some guidance. If small changes can be made in your mum's environment it may be enough to appease her? Also have her checked for a water infection; that can cause challenging behaviours.

I would also speak to the CH manager about what should happen with regard to your dad and maybe ask for a respite move for him to see how he gets along. It may not work but it's worth a try (if the CH have space). You want to enjoy your visits with your parents I know and I can really sympathise when it gets difficult. Sending a hug to you - good luck.

 

[Georgina63]

Hi Beachgirl

It's really quite complicated to say the least having both parents in a CH so please don't beat yourself up.....it's plenty to cope with!! Mine are in a CH together, both with AD. At first they were in a room together, but are now in separate rooms and this seems to be working out better. Visiting is still difficult, their stages of dementia and needs are different, so giving time to each of them can be tricky. It's hard to accept they may need to now be apart, but it may work out for the best.

Hope it all works out, Georgina X

 

[Morty]

Same here ,both mine in same care home but on different floors,upstairs mum and dad downstairs,its hard but better than being in each others pockets,dad got a review today as he is refusing to take his meds lately ,hope u well georgina x

 

[Beachgirl]

Thank you all for your kind and helpful messages, all were very much appreciated. Reading them encouraged me to go and see the Care Home Manager this lunchtime. She said she wants to see how things progress over the next few days as she is worried that a move might make my parents more isolated and Mum might just end up going into Dad's room all the time. She is going to try to encourage Mum to leave the room more often to give Dad a break. However if this doesn't work then she said she will definitely get another room for Dad, and she'll arrange to move all his stuff and it won't cost much more.

I'm so pleased I went to see her as we had a lovely chat. She lent me some staff training literature about communicating with dementia patients and she said next time they have a training seminar that I can sit in if I want. She is also going to introduce me to the daughter of one of the residents who she thinks I'd get on well with.

So I'm feeling much better today and a lot more positive. Thanks again everyone. xx

 

[Georgina63]

Thank you all for your kind and helpful messages, all were very much appreciated. Reading them encouraged me to go and see the Care Home Manager this lunchtime. She said she wants to see how things progress over the next few days as she is worried that a move might make my parents more isolated and Mum might just end up going into Dad's room all the time. She is going to try to encourage Mum to leave the room more often to give Dad a break. However if this doesn't work then she said she will definitely get another room for Dad, and she'll arrange to move all his stuff and it won't cost much more.

I'm so pleased I went to see her as we had a lovely chat. She lent me some staff training literature about communicating with dementia patients and she said next time they have a training seminar that I can sit in if I want. She is also going to introduce me to the daughter of one of the residents who she thinks I'd get on well with.

So I'm feeling much better today and a lot more positive. Thanks again everyone. xx

That sounds good. Glad you are feeling more positive today. Gx

 

[Georgina63]

Same here ,both mine in same care home but on different floors,upstairs mum and dad downstairs,its hard but better than being in each others pockets,dad got a review today as he is refusing to take his meds lately ,hope u well georgina x

Thanks Morty, pretty good, how about you? I too have a review for Dad tomorrow. He has been taking his meds (to help with aggressive behaviour) - not sure to what extent they are having a positive impact. Hope your Dad's review went ok.

 

[Amy in the US]

Beachgirl, sorry I didn't reply earlier.

I'm glad to hear your meeting with the manager was so positive, and that you sound reassured. The staff at my mother's care home are often very supportive of me, as well as my mother, and it's been a great help. There are visits where I spend more time talking to the staff than my mother!

I agree that the communication can be very, very challenging and difficult and upsetting. The advice I got here, and from other sources, was really helpful to me.

I hope what she gave you, and the course, help. There's also some information here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20064/symptoms/90/communicating_and_language

Actually, there is a lot of good information in general on the Alzheimer's UK website, when you have a chance to explore there a bit.

And the compassionate communication information can be helpful as well: http://www.alz.org/greaterdallas/documents/CompassionateComm.pdf

https://www.alz.org/co/documents/communication_strategies.pdf

I know that one of the hardest things for me was accepting, and moving on with, that my mother was no longer capable of being rational or logical or discussing anything. It's hard when their abilities fluctuate and you never know what you're dealing with. I often think some training in acting and improvisational comedy techniques, would be useful in dealing with dementia!

But it can be so difficult when the person still looks and sounds like their old self, more or less, and even sounds "normal" or reasonable about some things, and then is so shockingly not okay the next moment. It's quite unsettling and hard to wrap your head around, or it was for me. My mother also displayed the same sort of unreasonable reaction and self-centered thinking that you describe with your mum, in her comments about the friend not coming to see her. I am afraid it's all part of the dementia, but that doesn't make your visits, any easier.

I'm sorry, and hope you find a way forward and some help. Best wishes to you.

 

[Rosnpton]

How nice that the ch manager listened to your concerns and took them seriously.also being able to go to a training seminar could be well worth it- give pointers etc if nothing else. Our ch has a Facebook group for friends and families to link up on, and quarterly meetings we are all invited to. Often only the same few families show up but so many work shifts etc it can be hard. We have a 'formal' bit- ch manager gives updates on the home in general, activities and events planned etc. We are able to give opinions and suggestions, and these are all 'minuted'.
About a week later,in the main lobby notice board there will be the minutes up for all to see, what was suggested, if it can be done and by when/ who by etc and if can't be done why not. This means we are taken seriously. Also, as we know the date in advance I always ask mum if there is anything that she wants mentioned etc
Several of us 'visitors' try and have a coffee together now and the ,and also make a point of including each other's resident if we visit and they are on their own etc. This means in my case,mum sees someone every day as her 'friend' at the ch has a very large family who drop in most days for a few minutes. I can only go Saturday morning,but stay for 2-3 hrs,so they don't go then knowing their mum will also have a bit of a chat with me.
Seems to work atm.
Thinking of you

Ros
(they do have informal residents chats monthly)

Thank you all for your kind and helpful messages, all were very much appreciated. Reading them encouraged me to go and see the Care Home Manager this lunchtime. She said she wants to see how things progress over the next few days as she is worried that a move might make my parents more isolated and Mum might just end up going into Dad's room all the time. She is going to try to encourage Mum to leave the room more often to give Dad a break. However if this doesn't work then she said she will definitely get another room for Dad, and she'll arrange to move all his stuff and it won't cost much more.

I'm so pleased I went to see her as we had a lovely chat. She lent me some staff training literature about communicating with dementia patients and she said next time they have a training seminar that I can sit in if I want. She is also going to introduce me to the daughter of one of the residents who she thinks I'd get on well with.

So I'm feeling much better today and a lot more positive. Thanks again everyone. xx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Beachgirl

It`s a pleasure to read of such a supportive and caring care home.