My sister has threatened me over Power of Attorney

[Two2tango]

Diary

Hello Fullticket

I keep a diary too! You're right, it's a great way to get the thoughts out of your head and at times it's been useful as a reminder of appointments, observations, etc. I'm also keeping as 'evidence' of mum's deterioration and what I do for her for when my brother challenges decisions I've made.

Are you keeping accounts of your mother's income and expenditure? Assuming you are then I would just send her a print out/email of the last few months. If your mum is in a care home or sheltered housing then a financial assessment would have been done. She could ask for a copy of this from the council. Your solicitor has been involved so you are already contributing to the finances of this 'investigation' and I would make it clear you want no other involvement. I would be tempted now to just sit back and let them all get on with it - if you get too involved then you might end up having to pay to defend your mother/yourself.

I do feel your pain as I have a brother with the same attitude (seen mum twice in four years and wanted an immediate pay-out on the sale of her house). I keep records - and a diary - so that if and when there is a question about where the money is going I can produce four years' worth of spreadsheets and details of where I/she/we went on what day. The diary is also hugely helpful in letting me vent feelings onto the page, rather than screaming my head off in the supermarket! xx

 

[SarahL]

Thank you everyone for your views and support. I do not want to give in to the bullying nature of my sister and so I am not going to provide any information - I feel very strongly about this for that reason, also combined with the fact that she chose to see my mum once a year (before, during and after the disease) and now visits the care home twice a year. She thus chose not to have involvement in my mother's care or, more importantly, her finances at any point and my Mother did not include her, ever, in financial matters. To now be demanding information shows her motives, particularly given she mentioned the will, which is not even relevant at this stage. All of my mother's belongings and finances are still hers. My sister has also chosen to overlook the enormity of the caring role and the toll the care and abuse took on me. I have suffered anxiety over her requests and attitude but I will fight fire with fire in the name of justice and support for my Mum. Many thanks again everyone, it means a lot.

 

[Bod]

Well done!

Bod

 

[Georgina63]

Well done on standing firm SarahL, good for you. Gx

 

[Oh Knickers]

Hi Sarah,

I understand your passion and very much understand your reasons. I, too, have a difficult sibling. In their case, they are very controlling and have put me and my other sibling down when we have been involved in mother's care. This is purely because they either don't agree because we do things differently or - sadly - because either or my sister or I do things that end up with a better result than sibling's bull in a china shop approaches.

I am working very hard on a none combative approach. Actually, after the last outburst, I am getting help to achieve this and working on detaching. As sibling is so aggressive and, frankly, has a bonkers outlook on life at least I can walk away knowing there is nothing I have done to irritate. Doesn't stop sibling being irritated but my conscience will be clear. (There is nothing more irritating when spoiling for a fight that the other party is TOTALLY reasonable.) I know there will be a crisis initiated by sibling's willful lack of understanding of how the NHS works, by mother's retirement home having had enough or a collapse in mother's health. I can either continue interacting with sibling - which I find exhausting - or put all the planning in place for a care home for when the time arises. I have done the latter and am stepping back.

Whilst there will be an element of exhaustion and a part of, understandable, irritation in your approach it may worth thinking along similar lines. You have been the better party by offering a summary of the finance. If your sister has not come back, that was their choice. Doesn't stop them quibbling over what they imagine the case to be. They are protecting themselves by not receiving the facts. Imagined griefs are so much more powerful. Unhappily, weddings and prospective funerals/wills can bring the most unattractive out in people - especially when guilty consciences or greed are involved. Get guidance on how to protect your mum's interests and, sadly, yourself from any trumped up claims. You have received the reassurance from another poster that the OPG does not look kindly on trumped up charges when the those raising them have not been involved in care.

Put those energies you have into compiling a diary, sounds as though you have been doing that - well done - with backup documentation. Then you are not back footed should sibling make an ill advised complaint. If they demand to know the financial details - keep offering the summary. Should they not come back - just record your offer. You are being reasonable - they are not.

Offload as much as you need to here.Sounds as though you need that release.

Get yourself out and do some fun things. You deserve it.

 

[Georgina63]

Hi Sarah,

I understand your passion and very much understand your reasons. I, too, have a difficult sibling. In their case, they are very controlling and have put me and my other sibling down when we have been involved in mother's care. This is purely because they either don't agree because we do things differently or - sadly - because either or my sister or I do things that end up with a better result than sibling's bull in a china shop approaches.

I am working very hard on a none combative approach. Actually, after the last outburst, I am getting help to achieve this and working on detaching. As sibling is so aggressive and, frankly, has a bonkers outlook on life at least I can walk away knowing there is nothing I have done to irritate. Doesn't stop sibling being irritated but my conscience will be clear. (There is nothing more irritating when spoiling for a fight that the other party is TOTALLY reasonable.) I know there will be a crisis initiated by sibling's willful lack of understanding of how the NHS works, by mother's retirement home having had enough or a collapse in mother's health. I can either continue interacting with sibling - which I find exhausting - or put all the planning in place for a care home for when the time arises. I have done the latter and am stepping back.

Whilst there will be an element of exhaustion and a part of, understandable, irritation in your approach it may worth thinking along similar lines. You have been the better party by offering a summary of the finance. If your sister has not come back, that was their choice. Doesn't stop them quibbling over what they imagine the case to be. They are protecting themselves by not receiving the facts. Imagined griefs are so much more powerful. Unhappily, weddings and prospective funerals/wills can bring the most unattractive out in people - especially when guilty consciences or greed are involved. Get guidance on how to protect your mum's interests and, sadly, yourself from any trumped up claims. You have received the reassurance from another poster that the OPG does not look kindly on trumped up charges when the those raising them have not been involved in care.

Put those energies you have into compiling a diary, sounds as though you have been doing that - well done - with backup documentation. Then you are not back footed should sibling make an ill advised complaint. If they demand to know the financial details - keep offering the summary. Should they not come back - just record your offer. You are being reasonable - they are not.

Offload as much as you need to here.Sounds as though you need that release.

Get yourself out and do some fun things. You deserve it.

Oh Knickers, very well said! Gx