My sister has threatened me over Power of Attorney

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
Hello, I have been a member on here for a long while as my poor Mum has Alzheimer's. It's been a very long and abusive journey so far which I have dealt with alone although Mum is in care now.

I just wondered if anyone out there has been threatened by family members for having LPA - my situation is my younger sister has threatened to report me to the Office of the Public Guardian if I don't share all the details of Mum's finances, house sale etc with her. I am the only LPA.

I have taken legal advice and offered her a solicitor's letter directly to clarify everything but she has not got back to me. She has now contacted my daughter who she wants to take out for lunch on Saturday after she visits my Mum. I have said to my daughter of course she can go as it's her choice (she's 17) but inside I feel very sad, angry and upset at my sister who presents to the outside world as lovely but underneath has threatened me and caused me anxiety. She spent no time with my Mum either, seeing her about once a year and never helped once with the illness.

Sorry to offload I just feel very sad.

Any advice or a virtual hug would be a lovely support.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,392
Kent
I`m sure you feel sad Sarah and hope your daughter has enough maturity not to get embroiled in your sister`s bitterness.

I was in a similar situation with my sister but unfortunately she didn`t want to know anything, because wanting to know would mean she`d feel duty bound to visit our mother and she never did.

Did your sister know you were getting the LPA?
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
I`m sure you feel sad Sarah and hope your daughter has enough maturity not to get embroiled in your sister`s bitterness.

I was in a similar situation with my sister but unfortunately she didn`t want to know anything, because wanting to know would mean she`d feel duty bound to visit our mother and she never did.

Did your sister know you were getting the LPA?
Hello Grannie G, thank you. Yes both my sisters knew I was getting it and supported me at the time 5 years ago. Since Mum went into care though, two years ago, both have emailed me and raised concerns that I have it and threatened me over it. Yet the two sisters did nothing to support Mum ever. I just feel so tired of all of this now, the whole dementia journey, LPA, ongoing care reviews etc etc I feel like running away or giving up on everything. I'm sorry to read your sister didn't want to know anything, I have heard so many stories like this now.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,392
Kent
It looks Sarah, as if your sisters supported your LPA while your mother was at home because they didn`t want any responsibility for her care.

Now she is in a home , they probably think you have it nice and easy, not realising you are still sharing the caring and still have responsibilities , just not 24/7 as before.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,839
London
You have no responsibility to share any financial details with your sister, so let her report you to the OPG and see how far she gets!
 

Fullticket

Registered User
Apr 19, 2016
475
Chard, Somerset
Poa

Are you keeping accounts of your mother's income and expenditure? Assuming you are then I would just send her a print out/email of the last few months. If your mum is in a care home or sheltered housing then a financial assessment would have been done. She could ask for a copy of this from the council. Your solicitor has been involved so you are already contributing to the finances of this 'investigation' and I would make it clear you want no other involvement. I would be tempted now to just sit back and let them all get on with it - if you get too involved then you might end up having to pay to defend your mother/yourself.

I do feel your pain as I have a brother with the same attitude (seen mum twice in four years and wanted an immediate pay-out on the sale of her house). I keep records - and a diary - so that if and when there is a question about where the money is going I can produce four years' worth of spreadsheets and details of where I/she/we went on what day. The diary is also hugely helpful in letting me vent feelings onto the page, rather than screaming my head off in the supermarket! xx
 

Georgina63

Registered User
Aug 11, 2014
955
Hi SarahL

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have found myself in a similar situation though I share LPA with my sister. Over the last few years I have been the primary carer for my folks and sorted out all finances. In one breath she would say she was happy to leave it all to me, then in another say she had no idea what was going on with the finances. I have ensured she is kept up to date - I recently put together a summary and sent it......and got no reply! I've also been accused of a number of failings, both financial and care related amd it all got so unpleasant I can no longer cope with speaking to my sister.

It is very upsetting and makes you feel undermined - but you know you have been doing right by your Mum. If you feel inclined, you could summarise finances for your sister as there's nothing to hide. On the other hand, that being the case, I rather favour Beate's advice. Let your sister waste her time instead of yours with a fruitless call to the OPG!!

Re your daughter, that's a tricky one. I have told my kids they should do as they feel best, I would not want to stand in the way of a relationship with their Auntie, that's for them to decide. It would be awful to think your sister might use that meeting to manipulate the situation in any way though.

Like you, I feel very sad that things have worked out as they have, but these situations do seem to bring out the worst between family members especially where finances are involved. Sending hugs and support your way. Gx
 

Georgina63

Registered User
Aug 11, 2014
955
Are you keeping accounts of your mother's income and expenditure? Assuming you are then I would just send her a print out/email of the last few months. If your mum is in a care home or sheltered housing then a financial assessment would have been done. She could ask for a copy of this from the council. Your solicitor has been involved so you are already contributing to the finances of this 'investigation' and I would make it clear you want no other involvement. I would be tempted now to just sit back and let them all get on with it - if you get too involved then you might end up having to pay to defend your mother/yourself.

I do feel your pain as I have a brother with the same attitude (seen mum twice in four years and wanted an immediate pay-out on the sale of her house). I keep records - and a diary - so that if and when there is a question about where the money is going I can produce four years' worth of spreadsheets and details of where I/she/we went on what day. The diary is also hugely helpful in letting me vent feelings onto the page, rather than screaming my head off in the supermarket! xx
Hi fullticket, I agree a diary helps. I do have the occasional scream too (when taking the dog for a walk rather than the supermarket :D). Gx
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
You have no responsibility to share any financial details with your sister, so let her report you to the OPG and see how far she gets!
Neither of my sisters seem to have done anything since I asked if they would like a solicitor's letter clarifying my position thankfully.

Most days I am very strong but some days I just feel like I haven't got any inner strength left. I'm feeling a bit more sensitive this week in particular I think as I had mum's care plan review on Monday, then tried to take her out for tea and cakes on Tuesday which sadly caused her anxiety and then the abuse came back towards me; and now my sister wants to take my daughter out whilst behind the scenes she's threatened me and it all seems a bit too much at this moment. Thank you for your support and I have tried to take a philosophical approach if my sister does contact the OPG.
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
Are you keeping accounts of your mother's income and expenditure? Assuming you are then I would just send her a print out/email of the last few months. If your mum is in a care home or sheltered housing then a financial assessment would have been done. She could ask for a copy of this from the council. Your solicitor has been involved so you are already contributing to the finances of this 'investigation' and I would make it clear you want no other involvement. I would be tempted now to just sit back and let them all get on with it - if you get too involved then you might end up having to pay to defend your mother/yourself.

I do feel your pain as I have a brother with the same attitude (seen mum twice in four years and wanted an immediate pay-out on the sale of her house). I keep records - and a diary - so that if and when there is a question about where the money is going I can produce four years' worth of spreadsheets and details of where I/she/we went on what day. The diary is also hugely helpful in letting me vent feelings onto the page, rather than screaming my head off in the supermarket! xx
Thank you fullticket, it's sad to hear about your brother and that you've been in this situation too. I fully empathise with wanting to scream because of the injustice of it all, particularly after doing all the caring (and still doing it) through very difficult times. I feel like I am scarred for life. Thankfully I have kept records of everything and the solicitor reassured me that I have done everything right; also I have decided I am not going to provide my sisters with any information under threat, if at all. I hope you are ok. xx
 

oilovlam

Registered User
Aug 2, 2015
388
South East
Perhaps your sister's want to know if your mother is suitably funded (I would be happy to tell my siblings ball-park figures but not the detail of every penny spent). Perhaps they would be prepared - should your mother's funds run out - to top up her care home fees.

I think it is quite reasonable to know how much assets your mother has, but they need to be told that those assets are for her use. Should those assets run out then a top-up would be required and you could tell your sisters, that because of their sudden concern over your mother's finances you would see that as a willingness to contribute to any top-up.

If they think they will have to put their hands in their pockets - should they get involved (meddle) - then I expect they will leave you alone.

It's always about money with families and 'perceived' inheritances.
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
Hi SarahL

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have found myself in a similar situation though I share LPA with my sister. Over the last few years I have been the primary carer for my folks and sorted out all finances. In one breath she would say she was happy to leave it all to me, then in another say she had no idea what was going on with the finances. I have ensured she is kept up to date - I recently put together a summary and sent it......and got no reply! I've also been accused of a number of failings, both financial and care related amd it all got so unpleasant I can no longer cope with speaking to my sister.

It is very upsetting and makes you feel undermined - but you know you have been doing right by your Mum. If you feel inclined, you could summarise finances for your sister as there's nothing to hide. On the other hand, that being the case, I rather favour Beate's advice. Let your sister waste her time instead of yours with a fruitless call to the OPG!!

Re your daughter, that's a tricky one. I have told my kids they should do as they feel best, I would not want to stand in the way of a relationship with their Auntie, that's for them to decide. It would be awful to think your sister might use that meeting to manipulate the situation in any way though.

Like you, I feel very sad that things have worked out as they have, but these situations do seem to bring out the worst between family members especially where finances are involved. Sending hugs and support your way. Gx
Dear Georgina, thanks so much for your response. I have decided I am not going to provide either sister with any of Mum's financial information because I don't respond to threats. Reading about your sister makes me angry and upset for you too, especially as you sent a summary and got no response!

Re my Mum I was involved in her financial affairs before she became ill and so have a good history behind me plus I've done nothing wrong and thankfully have kept records. I sometimes try and laugh to myself (to keep me going in this horrible situation) as do they think I'm driving round in Bentleys or Rolls Royces and buying holiday homes abroad etc?? which I certainly am not!

Thank you for your support and virtual hug, it really means a lot. Like you I do feel very sad. Re my daughter, I think she knows that I feel vulnerable about her meeting with her Auntie but I have said to her it is up to her to see her as I don't want to stop them having a relationship and it is her choice.

Thanks again.xx
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
Perhaps your sister's want to know if your mother is suitably funded (I would be happy to tell my siblings ball-park figures but not the detail of every penny spent). Perhaps they would be prepared - should your mother's funds run out - to top up her care home fees.

I think it is quite reasonable to know how much assets your mother has, but they need to be told that those assets are for her use. Should those assets run out then a top-up would be required and you could tell your sisters, that because of their sudden concern over your mother's finances you would see that as a willingness to contribute to any top-up.

If they think they will have to put their hands in their pockets - should they get involved (meddle) - then I expect they will leave you alone.

It's always about money with families and 'perceived' inheritances.
Thank you Oilovlam. I have decided I am not going to tell them anything due to their threats. They also intimidated me when sending me the threatening email, as it was followed by not one but two hard copies in the post, one sent by recorded delivery. It was horrible receiving the posted copies as I went to the post office wondering if I had a present or something and then received the email by post.

What made me equally upset in the email was that they were talking about my Mum's Will, quoting stuff that was inappropriate and inaccurate. As the solicitor said, the Will is the document that comes into force on a person's death and is not relevant at this stage as my Mum is very much alive and all her assets and belongings are hers. Their concern with the Will just showed their true motives.
 

Raggedrobin

Registered User
Jan 20, 2014
1,427
Hi Sarah, I do sympathise. My sister said I should have PoA and then at one point nit-picked which meant I had to waste time clarifying stuff for her, when she has no involvment with my mother whatsoever. In fact I got so bored with writing down all the petty cash things I would get Mum - tissues, toiletries etc that I ended up taking them out of my own money so I didn't have to keep notes.:D

I think sometimes the people who don't have PoA feel a sort of lack of control. Whether it is a threat or not, I would just give them the information they want, you are playing into their hands by not doing so, it is making them suspicious you have something to hide. I think just be transparent. Ask yourself, what is more hassle, sending them a few pieces of paper or getting the OPG involved. I bet the former would be a lot easier, you may have done nothing wrong but the OPG will be obliged to go through everything with a toothcomb and may even suggest a court of protection order which will cost money and then every time you need money you have to apply to them, a right old pain.

I totally get why you don't want to succumb to your sisters' demands but in the end think about what will create less hassle for you. Also, tbh, if I had agreed for my sister to have PoA instead of me, I might have expected her to volunteer some sort of accounts every now and then, it may have been put in a nasty way and they may have no legal power to request information but refusing it is just upping the ante and you may end up in a far worse place imho.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,212
Hello, I have been a member on here for a long while as my poor Mum has Alzheimer's. It's been a very long and abusive journey so far which I have dealt with alone although Mum is in care now.

I just wondered if anyone out there has been threatened by family members for having LPA - my situation is my younger sister has threatened to report me to the Office of the Public Guardian if I don't share all the details of Mum's finances, house sale etc with her. I am the only LPA.

I have taken legal advice and offered her a solicitor's letter directly to clarify everything but she has not got back to me. She has now contacted my daughter who she wants to take out for lunch on Saturday after she visits my Mum. I have said to my daughter of course she can go as it's her choice (she's 17) but inside I feel very sad, angry and upset at my sister who presents to the outside world as lovely but underneath has threatened me and caused me anxiety. She spent no time with my Mum either, seeing her about once a year and never helped once with the illness.

Sorry to offload I just feel very sad.

Any advice or a virtual hug would be a lovely support.
AS PoA your duty is to act as your mother would have done, had she not have been ill.
Would your mother have easily have shared this sort of information, with your sister?
Does your sister hold joint PoA with you?

I assume your daughter knows only that you act on behalf of your mother, not the details. She should be warned that she may well be "pumped" for information. (let the child know that she only has to ring and you will pick her up, if thing get to much.)

Bod
 

Ginny Hendricks

Registered User
Feb 18, 2016
17
I don't understand family members who say they don't want PoA (it can be 'joint and several' after all so it's not as if they'll have to do anything apart from signing the forms) and then demand chapter and verse on everything. As far as I'm concerned, if you've declined the rights and responsibilities you've placed your trust in whoever has them and should let them get on with it; only if there's real reason for disquiet should you start to question them. Obviously it's fair for the attorney to keep people reasonably informed on a 'need to know' basis, but that's all in my view. Luckily, I share PoA with my sisters and we're on good terms; sympathies to those with more difficult relationships.
 

Oh Knickers

Registered User
Nov 19, 2016
500
Sarah,

You sound a very level headed lady. You also sound as though you have taken on - been delegated by absence - the lion's share of the care for you mum.

In view of the abusiveness are you comfortable that your 17 yr old daughter is being taken out by your sister? I have a 'difficult' sibling. I do not allow them to contact with my children. Partly, because my two are scared of said sibling and partly because sibling is manipulative and controlling. I don't need that weevling away in my home. Oh, dear, that doesn't come over well, does it?

It might be worth, mildly, talking over boundaries with your daughter before she meets her aunt. I am sure she, like you, is very level headed but she is only 17. Should there be any questions about the sale of the house or finances the answer needs to be referred to you as she will not know.

Sorry, tricky one this. However, I really get cross when youngsters are pulled into the crossfire by an adult.
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,592
Yorkshire
My OH is the sole attorney under a financial LPA set up by his mother, but he sends an annual spreadsheet of accounts to both his sisters. That seems a perfectly reasonable compromise, and hopefully there will be no surprises for anyone further down the line.
 

oilovlam

Registered User
Aug 2, 2015
388
South East
My OH is the sole attorney under a financial LPA set up by his mother, but he sends an annual spreadsheet of accounts to both his sisters. That seems a perfectly reasonable compromise, and hopefully there will be no surprises for anyone further down the line.
I think a yearly summary would be a good compromise but I would make it plain that it was as much information as they would get. There would be no discussion on any decision made as POA.

Sarah is 100% in the right here. But relatives can be tricky, they seem to be preparing for some sort of legal confrontation (sending a letter recorded delivery) and if she can deescalate matters - without giving up control or too much detail - then she should consider it. Lawyers love running up huge legal bills on such family 'misunderstandings'.
 

meme

Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
1,953
London
I would make clear you are not obliged but choose to share info on Mums money etc to save ongoing hassle......and I would also join your sister and daughter at the lunch...making her attempts to "use" your daughter for information or sides come to nowt!