Suddenly feeling lost and in limbo

[love.dad.but..]

My dad died recently after a short stay in hospital and back to his nursing home for end of life care. Thought I was coping quite well after staying with Dad til the end,making funeral arrangements and putting his affairs in order, I felt quite strong, friends and the NH staff all very kind saying how dedicated a daughter I had been since mum died 3.5 years ago, felt at peace with everything, glad for dad he is at peace from the rotten dementia and a tough few days in hospital for him but peaceful end. Then last few days....things have hit me like a sledgehammer. Missing even the grumpy dementia dad telling me to p....off, feeling very strange and cut off not visiting Dad and the NH every other day, self doubt about what was a sensible kind decision that dad would not maintain nearly enough fluids himself because of his dementia to stop hospital treatment and effectively end his life as he did not have a realistic chance of recovery. Missing the carer routine, starting to weep again when it had settled down.....I know it is early days but this change has floored me.

 

[father ted]

Dear love.dad.but

I am sorry to hear bout your Dad and understand how you feel in limbo. It is only a few years since you lost your Mum and now your Dad is gone you are effectively an orphan. You have also created a routine that your Dad was an important part of and now that the caring role has gone it can leave you wondering who you are if you are not your Dad's carer. It can also make us think of our own mortality.
All that you feel now is normal when we loose someone we love. In time you will adapt to your new place in the world. Give yourself time and tenderness and accept succour and comfort from those who love you. Take care. x

 

[Bill Owen]

T will

my dad died recently after a short stay in hospital and back to his nursing home for end of life care. Thought i was coping quite well after staying with dad til the end,making funeral arrangements and putting his affairs in order, i felt quite strong, friends and the nh staff all very kind saying how dedicated a daughter i had been since mum died 3.5 years ago, felt at peace with everything, glad for dad he is at peace from the rotten dementia and a tough few days in hospital for him but peaceful end. Then last few days....things have hit me like a sledgehammer. Missing even the grumpy dementia dad telling me to p....off, feeling very strange and cut off not visiting dad and the nh every other day, self doubt about what was a sensible kind decision that dad would not maintain nearly enough fluids himself because of his dementia to stop hospital treatment and effectively end his life as he did not have a realistic chance of recovery. Missing the carer routine, starting to weep again when it had settled down.....i know it is early days but this change has floored me.

hi i lost my wife march 30 last year .one year on still knock me over .sorry im dis lex so bare with me. This is where my wife deelyth whould help me with my splling .so hard .i look afer my wife by the way she was only 63 . Still both young chicks on the block. I too look after her in hospitel and at home for 5 year .delyth had lewy bodt dem.all stop now .all over lost has what to do now finding new life not so easy.at 64.
Still looking what to

 

[Dustycat]

I could have written this post myself. Lost my Dad on 11th January and nearly 3 years since my Mam died. I was really strong after he died and threw myself into funeral arrangements and then still OK after the funeral. But thus last fortnight I am a mess. Weeping at the least little thing. Moping around. Feeling lost. Even though Dad was in care there was lots to do. I don't have any answers but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. It's hard to let go. Xx

Sent from my SM-T813 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Slugsta]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this and am sending you lots of (((hugs))).

You were so involved with your dad's care that it is natural for your days to feel empty now, especially when you are getting well through that list of things to do.

There is no 'right' way to feel or act at times like these. No time scale for when you should do, or feel, certain things. Please be kind to yourself and allow you to do whatever seems right at the time.

 

[Soobee]

It's a familiar feeling to many of us.

I have several times found myself wishing for some of those times back - however hard they often were - perhaps it was the structure of life, or being needed, or something else?

I miss the physical actual process of going to see my mum in her nursing home despite having to talk myself into going. I can't really explain it because it makes little sense to me to miss that - maybe it was because it was always a challenge to try and find a connection and so rewarding when she seemed to understand.

I felt lost and limbo for a long time, and found it impossible to focus or concentrate for long. I was lucky enough to be able to take 'time out' and get a bit of talking therapy. I didn't miss mum at all for the first 8 months after she died, but I do now.

I hope you can take some comfort from our responses and that you don't feel alone in being in limboland x

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you everyone...it seems a common feeling for many of us and part of the process we have to go through I suppose. Dads dementia forced me to make many hard decisions...care home, risk of hernia operation 2 years ago, stopping hospital treatment for end of life NH care amongst the most serious. I didn't regret those decisions with Dads best interests always at heart and still know I did the right thing each time but in the last few days have been filled with self doubt and what if...but logically the only what if that would have changed anything or that I wouldn't have had to make those decisions is the big one...what if he hadn't had dementia things could have been so different and I know none of that makes any sense so why am I even filling my brain with that? I am popping into the NH to catch up with the lovely residents, the relatives that I shared the experience with and lovely staff. Not sure if it is a good or bad idea. Not worried about passing dads room where he spent his last days which is a good thing. My heart goes out to you all who are trying to make sense of this post carer period.