I wrote letters to my siblings about our mother...

[totallyconfused]

There has been no acknowledgement or respect from them. Someone has to stay with her. They come and go as they please and never ask about her or how we are. Am I crazy for believing I deserve to be told this is happening thank you for doing this?

I wrote to them today outlining the diagnosis and the need for full time care, that me and my sister have been doing it for the last number of years and are happy to continue and that if they want a full time carer instead of us they need to prepare a long term financial plan to play for it, including how much we each contribute and how we pay to keep the house going as well-food, bills, insurance, tax, maintenance etc.

Why am I scared?Why am I nervous?Ive done my best for her and yet I still feel guilty for sending this letter. Its a year since her official diagnosis but the signs have been there for a good number of years. Someone had to take responsibility. It only takes a second for something to happen if she did go missing.

 

[herknee]

Hi. It devastating to discover for sure the true colour of family when in an ideal world, family are suppose to pull together when times are tough. Reality is they don't if they haven't so far. You are frightened because you feel this overwhelming burden of responsibility is now on you and scared because at anytime your mother could have a crisis and you know it will be you who will have to pick up the pieces and keep making decisions as the goal posts keep moving. Decide the best course of action to keep your mum safe and cared for. Work out the cost and tell them what they need to pay. Best of luck

 

[totallyconfused]

Hi. It devastating to discover for sure the true colour of family when in an ideal world, family are suppose to pull together when times are tough. Reality is they don't if they haven't so far. You are frightened because you feel this overwhelming burden of responsibility is now on you and scared because at anytime your mother could have a crisis and you know it will be you who will have to pick up the pieces and keep making decisions as the goal posts keep moving. Decide the best course of action to keep your mum safe and cared for. Work out the cost and tell them what they need to pay. Best of luck

I wrote that in a confusing way. She needs someone with her but is quite good at the moment so we feel we can continue doing it and save for when we really need professional care. They haven't acknowledged it at all.

I hope they don't want to hire a full time carer because I feel our mother is doing really well and happy at the moment. It will cost a fortune and we just don't have the money.

I think its a big thing for someone to stay home and I would acknowledge them if they were doing it.

 

[carrieboo]

I'm afraid not everyone is cut out to be a carer and nothing you do or say will change that. You are doing your best for your mum, make peace with yourself and try to stop worrying about what you can't control. There is nothing to be gained by spending time and emotional energy worrying about about your siblings.

Your mum is lucky to have you and your sister.

 

[Amy in the US]

Totallyconfused, I'm sorry to hear about the lack of support, or even acknowledgement, from your siblings. (Stories like these make me glad I'm an only child.) No wonder you feel nervous and scared.

I don't have a good enough grasp on the UK system to say anything intelligent about funding, but of course if your mother is self-funding, that's pretty clear.

It's reasonable to want to talk about issues and work out a plan, before there's an emergency. You clearly care very much about your mother and her well being and there is no shame in that.

Hope you can find a way forward and get the support you need. Best wishes.

 

[Raggedrobin]

The more I have been involved with care of the elderly, the more commonly I come across this strange thing where some siblings contribute nothing emotionally, practically or financially to helping their parents and expect other siblings to do it all.

It is something I have found very hard to accept (my sister just bailed out and left everything to me to do) but I have come to realise that for some reason otherwise rational people seem, quite frequently, to have a sort of block about helping in these situations.

There is only one, small consolation in this scenario, which simply that you are not alone, there are a great many of us who end up shouldering the burden of our parents alone, without the help of those who choose to 'opt out'. It is far more common than I first realised. My commiserations.