Christmas disruption - is it worth it ?

[Wozzie]

My brother and I have always taken it in turn to have mum for Christmas Day ....
This year it's me ...... and the first year mum has been diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer's.
Mum is still in her own home but A & VD have rally taken a hold these last 6 months.

So, Christmas.....
My gut feeling is t visit her at her house, as we do on a "normal day" or bring her to us.

I think she'd feel a bit overwhelmed coming to us ...
Or am I looking for the easy option ....... arrrrghhhhh

Really don't know what to do

 

[marionq]

Why not do what you would do on a typical day at your Mum but with the added treat of Christmas food and a gift. She will be more comfortable with routine but enjoy nice things too.

 

[Risa]

I think dementia overrides whatever traditions you used to have. My family haven't celebrated Christmas for a couple of years now as my Mum finds it too confusing and gets agitated with Christmas cards and a tree being put up. We just treat it like a normal weekend. It would be different if we had young children around but as we are all adults it's not a big deal and it's actually quite nice not to have the stress of running around buying presents, shopping and preparing Christmas food etc.

 

[Princess t]

I have the exact problem..mom has times she's great other times very confused. She lives alone but with carers. She's refusing to leave her house at the moment. She has got a Christmas tree up and she's the one who asked to have it up. Expect we just have to wait and see.

 

[Wozzie]

Thank you Rosa and marionq,
We don't "do" Christmas in an over the top way, so spending time with mum in her own home will be the best thing to do.
I think there's too much pressure out there to have an all singing all dancing Christmas,
When circumstances change you have to do what suits.
Thanks again
Anne x

 

[irismary]

Stick with typical day. We have to break tradition this year as Mom usually stays at our house Christmas eve to Boxing day night but she is too frail for me to get her upstairs and even if I could I fear she could wake confused and fall down the stairs. I know I am imagining worst case scenario but with husband with Alzheimer's as well I cannot cope with both. We have to adapt but the guilt monster gets us doesn't it. I think we will spend some time at her flat, out for lunch, then back to her flat - safest option. Sad but needs must.

 

[Witzend]

For the last 2 or 3 years before she went into the care home, we took turns to go to my mother for Christmas. Though to be honest even then the extra people and change to routine tended to be too much for her, and the last year in particular she wasn't aware that it was Christmas anyway. She would wonder why we were giving her presents!

I wouldn't even have considered bringing her to us, since for a long time she had been very reluctant to leave the house at all, and I know she'd have been agitated and fretful - and probably asked endlessly to go home - it was a 60 mile drive.

If it's reasonably easy to do it at hers, I'd do that. My mother had room for us to stay, so it wasn't a big deal

 

[Wheresmygin]

This is very pertinent to us as we're planning Christmas. MiL is in a care home and we take her out most weekends - even if only for a coffee and a piece of cake at a local, large, garden centre.

Every previous year I've know her (with only a couple of exceptions) she's come to us for Christmas, and stayed a few days. This year, we are all going to BiLs house and will collect her from the CH just before lunch and return her during the afternoon. They live closer than us.

I hope this won't cause any problems for her - she often responds very well to having her boys around her and becomes a little more animated when the ribbing across the table starts with her sons and grandsons.

However, I'm trying to manage my husband's expectations that it might not be great and she may get distressed. We'll be doing everything we can to keep her calm but know that things might not go according to plan.

I fear this is the last year we'll be with her for Christmas dinner and I know that's going to be really tough for her sons. I hate this disease.

Think all this rambling just means I believe we have to do what we think is right at the time and understand it might go wrong.
Wheresmygin x

 

[looviloo]

We always had my dad with us for Christmas Day, but it was becoming more difficult and last year the care home advised us to leave him there. So we had Christmas Day to ourselves and went to the care home on Boxing Day. I was anxious of course, but dad was fine - happy, and didn't even seem to realise what day it was!

So this year I mentioned Christmas to dad and suggested he stay in the care home, and he was visibly relieved!

Any upheaval these days seems to be a trauma for dad. He can't cope with fast paced conversations, or lots of people around. He worries about everything. So we'll go over and see him like last year, and take a few gifts.

Everyone is different of course, but this is working for us. You can only do what you feel is right

 

[Hex]

Hi, today I have realised Christmas is just another day if we don't make a fuss. My mum lives independently with extra care. The complex is feeling very Christmassy just now. Mum is from a big family and she and her sisters get together every year to swap cards and celebrate the season. They used to holiday together twice a year before two of them were diagnosed with dementia. One of them being my mum. Today the complex had their Christmas lunch. The cafe was closed as they had to get ready for the occasion. Queue first meltdown, she is in the habit of visiting the cafe two or three time before lunch for her latte and biscuits. This probably set off her anger ass she couldn't understand why they were closed.i arrived as usual to do her cleaning along with my son who has been overseas for over a year and even that couldn't raise a smile. I was able to get my son into the lunch because of a cancellation and everything looked good. Mum started making excuses when she wouldn't go i.e.: no one talks to her, she doesn't know anyone, various people hate her...insert names! We were halfway there when she took a funny turn and had to be helped home. I said, we will go home then and she suddenly walked faster than she has walked in years. I think if she had her keys she would have locked us out!
I know she doesn't like change. She is getting more and more stressed as Christmas gets closer. She can't avoid it as she lives in an independent environment. My worry is for the other residents. She has shown signs of aggression in the past. My mantra has always been to keep her calm but she is living the hype just now and she can't get away from it.
This week she has a get together with her sisters who used to holiday together twice a year and have the Christmas do to exchange presents and cards. She has already started to stress about this. What to do?
Because of the events today I have decided she isn't coming to my house for Christmas. She will be alright where she is a s she will be with people she knows and there will be plenty of nibbles. I really think it will be less stressful all round.
Not sure if there is a request in here I think I just needed to vent.



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[Pear trees]

Treat it like a normal day but with a nice roast turkey dinner and some little gifts and chocs.
My mum has spent Christmas on her own, ignoring family and refusing all visitors, for nearly 40 years so we do not have this problem.

 

[Cat27]

Hi, today I have realised Christmas is just another day if we don't make a fuss. My mum lives independently with extra care. The complex is feeling very Christmassy just now. Mum is from a big family and she and her sisters get together every year to swap cards and celebrate the season. They used to holiday together twice a year before two of them were diagnosed with dementia. One of them being my mum. Today the complex had their Christmas lunch. The cafe was closed as they had to get ready for the occasion. Queue first meltdown, she is in the habit of visiting the cafe two or three time before lunch for her latte and biscuits. This probably set off her anger ass she couldn't understand why they were closed.i arrived as usual to do her cleaning along with my son who has been overseas for over a year and even that couldn't raise a smile. I was able to get my son into the lunch because of a cancellation and everything looked good. Mum started making excuses when she wouldn't go i.e.: no one talks to her, she doesn't know anyone, various people hate her...insert names! We were halfway there when she took a funny turn and had to be helped home. I said, we will go home then and she suddenly walked faster than she has walked in years. I think if she had her keys she would have locked us out!
I know she doesn't like change. She is getting more and more stressed as Christmas gets closer. She can't avoid it as she lives in an independent environment. My worry is for the other residents. She has shown signs of aggression in the past. My mantra has always been to keep her calm but she is living the hype just now and she can't get away from it.
This week she has a get together with her sisters who used to holiday together twice a year and have the Christmas do to exchange presents and cards. She has already started to stress about this. What to do?
Because of the events today I have decided she isn't coming to my house for Christmas. She will be alright where she is a s she will be with people she knows and there will be plenty of nibbles. I really think it will be less stressful all round.
Not sure if there is a request in here I think I just needed to vent.



Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

I think you've made the right decision re Christmas Day.

 

[Witzend]

I think you've made the right decision re Christmas Day.

Me too. There was one year, when dementia was in earlier stages, when my mother decided herself that she didn't want the fuss and disruption of coming to us - she wanted to stay at home. Going to her wasn't an option then, it was a 60 mile drive and we had a houseful, including relatives from abroad. I just took down her presents and some nice food on Christmas Eve.
She did have a meltdown over the phone later on Christmas Eve - why was she here all on her own, I was a terrible daughter etc. - she had completely forgotten having been (of course) invited and not wanting to come - but that was all forgotten quickly too, and she was fine on the phone on Christmas Day, quite happy in her own peace and quiet at home.

 

[smartieplum]

Taking mum and dad out for a meal and then back up the road for a wee drinky and put on their music DVDs. Suits me and them. Did the same last year.

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[annierich]

Me too. There was one year, when dementia was in earlier stages, when my mother decided herself that she didn't want the fuss and disruption of coming to us - she wanted to stay at home. Going to her wasn't an option then, it was a 60 mile drive and we had a houseful, including relatives from abroad. I just took down her presents and some nice food on Christmas Eve.
She did have a meltdown over the phone later on Christmas Eve - why was she here all on her own, I was a terrible daughter etc. - she had completely forgotten having been (of course) invited and not wanting to come - but that was all forgotten quickly too, and she was fine on the phone on Christmas Day, quite happy in her own peace and quiet at home.

Sounds just like my MIL who has - we suspect - early Dementia. My FIL has advanced dementia and is in a nearby CH. She has changed her mind so many times about what she wants to do at Christmas- currently she will be having lunch with FIL in the CH and then going home to her flat. However she has been invited to our home for tea / to stay the night (as she did last year) and I will make sure there are clean sheets and enough food for her to change her mind AGAIN. I suspect that she, too, can no longer cope with the inevitable noise our 4 yr old granddaughter makes and all the hustle and bustle of a family Christmas.

 

[Malalie]

Since my son returned home for a short visit and went off for Christmas abroad yesterday, we decided to have a proper Christmas dinner last Sunday, bringing over MIL from her house to stay overnight. Huge mistake!

Dinner was good and she enjoyed it, but after a snooze on the sofa watching an old Christmas film she woke up like something out of Omen! She was completely obnoxious for the rest of the evening.

I came downstairs in the morning at 0720 to find her standing in the kitchen, clutching her handbag spitting venom really. Once home, she forgot about it all fortunately, but it’s quite hard for us to forget the terrible things she was saying to us… It was an awful experience for all concerned, and I have certainly learned my lesson re Christmas.

Unfortunately, we have a pre existing plan to drop MIL off with her daughter to spend Christmas there - this happens frequently, as it’s our only form of respite- so we’re keeping our fingers crossed that she will remain calm.

That’s my experience, so do think carefully about disrupting her routine…..