Thought I'd join this forum for some advice and support. My Mum is steadily getting worse though still able to live in her own home, but extremely forgetful, repeats everything continually, gets very angry with me when I try to clean her house or help her take pills, and is always accusing my brother of taking things she has mislaid. A few months ago she met a man her age, who stays with her regularly and seems very good at persuasion. He has now arranged for someone local to give a quote on installing some more heating in her home. She has always preferred a cool home with heaters as she wishes, and I suspect the extra heating is to make him more comfortable when he stays, she has said she's made no firm decisions about the heating yet. My brother and I can't stand him, he gives us the creeps, but she seems happy, he is company and they laugh a lot, so we should be pleased, but now he is trying to muscle in on Christmas too. We always have a close family Christmas, but his daughters suggested he could spend it with Mum, my brother said no and explained why, and they have not replied. I spoke with the partner today and said the same, and that if Mum would like him to stay after Christmas that is fine, but as she is steadily going downhill we would like her to ourselves this Christmas, as we don't know what the next one will hold for us all. However, my brother said the same to him earlier in the week and he still maintains that Mum wants him to come for Christmas. Am I being really uncharitable ? We don't feel we can stop him coming as it's Mum's life, though when he's not around she has difficulty remembering who he is. In between the tense times when he's there and I call, we have some tetchy times, but also some lovely times out in the car visiting places she likes. Any help would be gratefully received.
My mother has dementia and a new partner
- Thread starter piglingbland
- Start date
Does your Mum still have capacity to decide relationships etc? If not, you have no choice but to muscle in for her own sake. She is a vulnerable adult and you should monitor this closely, especially if finances get involved. Does any of you have LPA? If you are concerned about him isolating your Mum from you or getting her to buy things she doesn't need, get the Adult Safeguarding Team involved, and pronto.
Have your Mum to yours and change the locks as you go.
Tell him Mu wont be there for Christmas, end of. tell his daughter too.
Does she capacity - does anyone have POA? I'd be really concerned about the heating thing. £££££££££££££ that could e going to someone he knows, following a 'quote' and before no work gets done.......
Big alarm bells.
What is the attraction for him in your mother?
Tell him Mu wont be there for Christmas, end of. tell his daughter too.
Does she capacity - does anyone have POA? I'd be really concerned about the heating thing. £££££££££££££ that could e going to someone he knows, following a 'quote' and before no work gets done.......
Big alarm bells.
What is the attraction for him in your mother?
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Your Mum is very vulnerable. I agree with everyone else, sort out the LPA and tell him that no money will be spent without your authorisation. If he's cold he could stay at his own place. I had to put a notice on Mum's front door to state that no work should be undertaken without prior agreement from my brother and no payments will be made unless we had agreed the work. I also stated that cctv was in place (it isn't) but no salesmen ever bother to knock the door any more. All this followed a call from Mum asking me for a cheque for £8000 for double glazing (the house is already double glazed and warm). Luckily I found out before the work started.
As for Christmas, I would say it's already agreed, he could join you for a while later in the holiday. Would your Mum entertain such a relationship if she was in full health?
As for Christmas, I would say it's already agreed, he could join you for a while later in the holiday. Would your Mum entertain such a relationship if she was in full health?
Does the new partner know your mother has dementia? And perhaps this man's daughters are suggesting he stay with your Mum over Christmas because they don't want him with them at this time of year?
If I were you, I'd try to check this man out very thoroughly - it sounds to me like he's trying to take over your Mum's life and to 'muscle in' where he's got no right to.
If I were you, I'd try to check this man out very thoroughly - it sounds to me like he's trying to take over your Mum's life and to 'muscle in' where he's got no right to.
Thank you, Beate, my mother is rather open to any suggestion, though at times she does dig her heels on when she doesn't help but wants to struggle on herself, which is understandable if frustrating when we're trying to suggest an easier way. We try as much as possible to respect her wishes. My brother and I arranged LPA earlier this year as she had started withdrawing large sums of money from her account and losing them in her bed. We both have access to her account, so we can keep an eye on it and pay her bills.
my mother had electric bar heaters and a real fire with coal and logs etc in her front room..she eventually had central heating/radiators put in a few years before she died and loved them...so maybe this bloke is trying to help your mum?? however I would have him on Christmas day to make your Mum happy and observe them together..also tie up her finances so he can't spend any of her cash without your say so....
Hi piglingbland
welcome to TP
personally, I fully appreciate you and your brother wanting to have your mum to yourselves this Christmas
and don't really understand why this man's own children prefer him to be with you on Christmas day (do they know of your mum's diagnosis? did they really make this suggestion, or is this what HE tells you?) - maybe a brief tea together on Boxing day might suffice, and give you a chance to suss him out more
Actually, If I were you, I'd be concerned about the 'relationship'
from what you write:
it started only a few months ago and after your mum's diagnosis (which to me makes her a vulnerable adult)
he is staying in her home - I take it you mean overnight - would your mum have countenanced this pre diagnosis?
HE has arranged the quotation - it's not his house to make alterations to
"HE still maintains that Mum wants him to come for Christmas" - what does your mum say herself? - might you ask her in a neutral way (when there has been no mention of the man to remind her of him) eg 'mum, I'm making place settings for Christmas dinner, lets make a list of who will be there' and see who she mentions (no prompts either way from you, if she misses anyone else out, make no comment)
what bothers me most is:
"when he's not around she has difficulty remembering who he is"
so if he were to not visit again, she would not be concerned - I appreciate not remembering is part of dementia, yet worry that at some point she may not 'remember' him when he is with her, which will lead to distress; what will he do then?
I appreciate that the man is company and makes her laugh - but am concerned that you sum him up as being good at persuasion, and that despite you and your brother voicing your opinions on Christmas (which is a month away yet; quite a time), he is not backing down - it's a 'new' relationship, I'd have expected a 'gentleman' to accept what her children say
if Christmas is to be spent in your home, you do have the right to not invite him (it's not a case of stopping him coming; no-one can just invite themselves to someone else's Christmas) - you may have to be prepared to take the flack to do what's best overall for your mum
best wishes
welcome to TP
personally, I fully appreciate you and your brother wanting to have your mum to yourselves this Christmas
and don't really understand why this man's own children prefer him to be with you on Christmas day (do they know of your mum's diagnosis? did they really make this suggestion, or is this what HE tells you?) - maybe a brief tea together on Boxing day might suffice, and give you a chance to suss him out more
Actually, If I were you, I'd be concerned about the 'relationship'
from what you write:
it started only a few months ago and after your mum's diagnosis (which to me makes her a vulnerable adult)
he is staying in her home - I take it you mean overnight - would your mum have countenanced this pre diagnosis?
HE has arranged the quotation - it's not his house to make alterations to
"HE still maintains that Mum wants him to come for Christmas" - what does your mum say herself? - might you ask her in a neutral way (when there has been no mention of the man to remind her of him) eg 'mum, I'm making place settings for Christmas dinner, lets make a list of who will be there' and see who she mentions (no prompts either way from you, if she misses anyone else out, make no comment)
what bothers me most is:
"when he's not around she has difficulty remembering who he is"
so if he were to not visit again, she would not be concerned - I appreciate not remembering is part of dementia, yet worry that at some point she may not 'remember' him when he is with her, which will lead to distress; what will he do then?
I appreciate that the man is company and makes her laugh - but am concerned that you sum him up as being good at persuasion, and that despite you and your brother voicing your opinions on Christmas (which is a month away yet; quite a time), he is not backing down - it's a 'new' relationship, I'd have expected a 'gentleman' to accept what her children say
if Christmas is to be spent in your home, you do have the right to not invite him (it's not a case of stopping him coming; no-one can just invite themselves to someone else's Christmas) - you may have to be prepared to take the flack to do what's best overall for your mum
best wishes
Yes, but surely it wasn't a new 'friend' who decided on your Mum's central heating? It was a member of the family/your Mum? Whether the chap is trying to help the OP's Mum is of little consequence; he doesn't hold POA and has no right in poking his nose in.
If I was the OP I would make sure this 'friend' was aware that members of the family held POA and they kept close tabs on her bank account.
Piglingbland, I would also be considering (if it's possible) to arrange for your Mum to stay at your, or your Brother's, house on Xmas Eve. That way there will be no scenes on Xmas Day.
One more thing-does the 'friend' have a key to your Mum's house?
Above all trust your instincts.
XXX
Hi. Your mum sounds rather like my dad was a few months back. At one point he offered a woman his bungalow if she'd move in with him and "look after" him. Not just the cooking and cleaning!!
Luckily this woman happened to be a friend of mine and had no interest in fleecing him or having any sort of relationship with him other than doing a bit of cleaning, for which she gets paid, and a quick cuppa and a chat after. But if she had...
It's hard isn't it? You know their judgement is not what it was and it would be easy for them to be conned.
BUT you have the protection of the LPA. Your mum, if she's anything like my dad will be angry if you interfere. I too would be suspicious, your mum is an easy target for any rogue that comes along. He might not be a rogue ... everyone has the right to be happy and you say he makes her happy.
Be on your guard just incase.
Luckily this woman happened to be a friend of mine and had no interest in fleecing him or having any sort of relationship with him other than doing a bit of cleaning, for which she gets paid, and a quick cuppa and a chat after. But if she had...
It's hard isn't it? You know their judgement is not what it was and it would be easy for them to be conned.
BUT you have the protection of the LPA. Your mum, if she's anything like my dad will be angry if you interfere. I too would be suspicious, your mum is an easy target for any rogue that comes along. He might not be a rogue ... everyone has the right to be happy and you say he makes her happy.
Be on your guard just incase.
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It might be over-paranoid, but are you sure there's no possibility of financial fraud? He might be genuinely concerned that your mum needs new heating (and for an elderly person with dementia, heaters that she has to remember to turn on and off doesn't sound enough through the winter). But equally, he might be hoping that this will be his house in the future? It would worry me, especially since your mum is vulnerable.
Thank you, Meme, I'm trying hard not to think the worst of him, but I wish we didn't dislike him so much, and feel he's suggesting these things for his own good. He's now talking of moving out of his sheltered housing and moving back nearer to Mum, but we really don't like the idea of him moving in permanently with her.
Thank you, Jessbow, he has asked a local man to give the quote, who my brother knows, so he's going to make sure no work is done without our sayso. My brother and I arranged POA earlier this year.
Thank you Carol4444, thank goodness you stopped the work on your mother's house ! We have already told one of his daughters we have arranged Christmas and he could come later, I told him too but I don't think he's listening.
Thank you, Cobden28, he does know Mum has dementia, though it doesn't stop him telling me she has memory problems and needs help, as if I don't already know. Interestingly, one of his daughters apologised to my brother a while back for the way her father persuades Mum to do things, so they know what he's like too. I think we need to find out more about him as you say.
Thank you, Shedrech, I appreciate your thoughts, and Julian of Norwich's. I suspected that he would want to be at Mum's for Christmas so suggested to my brother that we sort out our plans so we were prepared, Mum had already said she wouldn't want to take him away from his daughters. Two weeks later it was actually one of his daughters who texted my brother to suggest he stay - they know Mum has dementia, and keep in touch with my brother as they sometimes don't know where their father has gone.
A couple of months ago he collapsed at Mum's and my brother and family had to call an ambulance and get him to hospital, where it transpired he was too drunk for them to run tests, my brother was furious having spent half the night there to find nothing wrong with him but being drunk. Mum remembered nothing of it and when challenged about his drinking said he hardly ever did, yet when my brother contacted his daughter the first question she asked was ...had he been drinking ?
Sorry, I'm rambling, it's bad enough seeing Mum go downhill with dementia, but horrible that she's involved with this ghastly man. Yes he does stay overnight, usually a week at a time, goes back to his for a few days and then comes for another week. This all disrupts our time with her a lot. She'd had odd male friends since my dad died but never had anyone to stay over and always said she didn't want another physical relationship, but then I suppose people change their minds, or dementia confuses them.
I try to feel charitable, but then worry I'm not safe-guarding Mum enough. When I phone her and ask if he's there she usually can't remember who he is and then says that I must be thinking of the man she sometimes has coffee with, which is how they met.
My father was a true gentleman and this man could not be more different. I've not expected her to find a clone of Dad, but just someone who is decent and yes, he should have more respect for our wishes. He's been widowed twice and early on told me his wives had loved to cook for him, Mum has always disliked cooking and would be happy with a slice of bread and cheese and an apple, but now has to prepare meals for him regularly.
I suspect he will arrive for Christmas at Mum's despite our wishes, and then because he is there, she will want him to go to my brother's and they won't upset her by saying no. Now I have rambled and will stop. Thanks again.
Thank you, Lyn T, yes, I think I need to trust my instincts a little more, when I've gone against them, things usually go wrong.
Oh, sounds as if it's time for tough love to protect your mother, exactly as you would care for a child when they fall into the wrong company. If you could find a way to break the spell, i.e. keep them apart for two or three weeks then that might just do the trick. Otherwise you may well end up with two patients to look after. Your mum might well forget him altogether if she hasn't seen him for a couple of weeks. You are right it's so difficult, I never envisaged so many problems with mum and as soon as one problem was sorted, another would crop up. You can buy phones which allow 'permitted' calls through. I still have a guilt complex about installing this but I'm sure it saved mum a lot of grief. Sometimes, instead of sidestepping someone it's best just to be honest and tell this guy the truth, your mum is ill and can't cope with any extra hassle. I can't help thinking that if he were a true friend then he would be content to take your mum shopping or for lunch and not need to stay over, it seems as if he is taking advantage. The 'go away' message is probably better coming from your brother. Sorry if I am suspicious of him, you are the best judge as you see him regularly, Trust your instincts. Best wishes.
The more I read about this man the more suspicious I am. Yes he seems to me to be taking advantage and trying to get your mum to do things for his own comfort, he is not looking after her. I would do everything I could to stop him from coming round if it were me.
