Worried about being thrown out of Mum's house when she rages.

[Relm]

QUESTION
I am 60 and live with my mother who has dementia. Whenever she gets angry about something she goes into a rage and demands that to leave - usually immediately. This happens often and might go on for days. I am worried that I may be forced to leave.

In between her frequent rages we get on extremely well and I help her with all necessary activities except bathing which she does alone. On balance she trusts me as much as and more than most people she knows.

NO CARERS
My mother has no carers. She would qualify for a generous local authority financial contribution towards care because she has few savings but she doesn't like to have carers “supervising” her.

AUTHORITIES
She owns the house and no one else lives there apart from the two of us. I have Power of Attorney for both Health and Finance which I share (jointly and severally) with a friend of my mother's. My mother is being assessed later this month by the old age psychiatrist to see what degree of capacity she has to make decisions and my guess is that she is likely to be declared as having little overall capacity.

CAPACITY
She can not be left alone for more than an hour or two because she can't reliably work a light switch. She can probably rummage something in the fridge but definitely can't use a cooker. The neighbours are friendly and try to help within their abilities but their input is limited.

CONCERN
My concern is that even if she does not have capacity to make decisions about her care, it might still be determined by an outside body that she wants me to leave (during those frequent moments of rage) and it would make her calmer if I wasn't living there.

If my mother were to give it a chance, a full care package from the council might produce some carers who she really likes. She often gets on brilliantly with strangers who are polite and smile at her but characteristically she falls out with almost everyone after a honeymoon period and often ends up loathing them. She has had very unstable emotions all through her life.

ADVICE
I would like to stay with my Mum and feel I do a good job of helping her. It suits me too because I have a health problem and her house is better placed for doctors, friends, hospital, etc than my own flat.

 

[canary]

Hello realm.
I cant see that anyone would make you leave your mums house. These sort of rages/delusions are very common with dementia. From what you say it sounds like she would need to go into a care home if you were not looking after her and that is something that Social Services try everything to avoid.

 

[Pinkys]

Are social services aware of the situation now ? You mention your noughts on possible care packages. You sound like you may need someone to talk this over with. And someone to talk to in a crisis.

I agree that this kind of rage is sadly typical and no one would take it at face value. It sounds like you are doing a grand job of caring for your mother, and this suggests that no one would want to 'get rid of you', even if they wanted to add some care. Given your mother's history of interaction with people, SS would not want to risk a new situation when the current one is mainly holding well.

Once the capacity test has been done, you will hopefully feel more confident.

You might want to enquire about your rights, as you have lived there for some time. citizen's advice might be able to help. This is not because I think you are in any danger, but it help put your mind to rest.

 

[Toddleo]

Just to endorse what has already been said, that such rages are commonplace (I still bear the scars from my own mums aggression!) You are 60, it is your home and as such I can not imagine that anyone would be able to force you out.

Also (and not particularly related) I LOVE how your post has been laid out - so clear and easy to follow! just fab!!

 

[Relm]

Thank you Canary, CardiffLady, and Pinkys. Also Toddleo for your comments.

I am sure any reasonable person would see things the way you do but my main worry is that the other person with Power of Attorney tends to believe my mother's extreme claims and has started to suggest it is better I leave for her peace of mind. This is very surprising because I am the person doing the most work on a daily basis to hold things together but I think the other person believes the dramatic accounts she heard at times of crisis and overlooks those periods of calm in between.

Against my mother's wishes, we could ask the council to provide my mother with a comprehensive care package and this would take the load off me. At that point I would be far less essential to my mother's care (although I would co-ordinate everything and run the house). What would my position be at that stage with respect to staying with her in her house?

 

[nitram]

You would simple be staying in your mother's house, no one in authority would mind.

Whether or not this would be in her best interests is something that you and your sister as H&W attorneys would have to decide.

If your mother moved to residential care the question as to whether the house would be disregarded or not and whether you would have to move out has been discussed in detail in your other threads.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Relm
maybe keep a daily log to record your mum's behaviour, the day's routine and the support you provided, so that you have something to show the other Attorney as evidence
I'd definitely begin home care visits to support your mum - though maybe find a positive way to think of it rather than 'against your mum's wishes' - you're prioritising her needs, rather than her wants - maybe consider her to be reluctant at the moment?
best wishes

 

[Relm]

You would simple be staying in your mother's house, no one in authority would mind.

Whether or not this would be in her best interests is something that you and your sister as H&W attorneys would have to decide.

If your mother moved to residential care the question as to whether the house would be disregarded or not and whether you would have to move out has been discussed in detail in your other threads.

Thank you so much Nitram for showing that someone is reading my different posts and putting a picture together. I kind of feel a lot better like that than just making what seem to be individual stabs in the dark. I appreciate it.

 

[la lucia]

Just to endorse what has already been said, that such rages are commonplace (I still bear the scars from my own mums aggression!) You are 60, it is your home and as such I can not imagine that anyone would be able to force you out.

Also (and not particularly related) I LOVE how your post has been laid out - so clear and easy to follow! just fab!!

Ha! My mum used to regularly threaten to chuck me out but generally that phase seems to have passed for now. She has her moments but nothing too difficult to deal with.

But your mother's house will be considered in any financial assessment for care. The disregard only applies if you would be totally homeless as a consequence of long term caring responsibilities. If you already have another place to live (which you do I think you said before) then the disregard won't apply.

This will at least allow your mother (or her poa's) more choice as a self-funder to find a good place. Generally, local authorities will try out comprehensive care at home packages first. Only considering care homes if that doesn't work.

Unfortunately, with LA funded care, the choices are increasingly very limited. So self-funding people at least get more say in where they go and what their money is spent on. It's the PWD's money after all.

Have to second the post layout comment.

 

[nita]

Even if your mother has carers 4 times a day, as my Mum does and I live with her, you are needed all the rest of the time. Carers' visits are only about half an hour and they often skimp on that. They will see to her personal care, can give medications and food but only heated in the microwave or sandwiches.

I see to my Mum's medication and food. I cook dinner every day. She needs a lot of reassurance at times and she gets worried and anxious about things she imagines are happening, or, for instance, that she has to go to work. She also suffers from very painful arthritis so there is morphine to administer.

You say that your mother cannot be left for more than an hour and is not capable of using the cooker so I would think it is definitely necessary for someone to be there all the time as you are.

As you are the only person there at the moment, it seems you are the object of her rages, so she could direct them at others if they were present then it would become evident that it is her illness making her like that.

If you have a care package from the local council, they will do a financial assessment and, if she has no savings, she will be funded by them.

 

[Bod]

http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.

This is a link to an American web site, it gives very good advice, on how to deal with PWD's, it more how you cope rather than changing them.

Have a read, change "milk & cookies" for "cup of tea".

Bod

 

[nitram]

"But your mother's house will be considered in any financial assessment for care."

Unlike residential care the value of the property is excluded in a financial assessment for care at home.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I am sure any reasonable person would see things the way you do but my main worry is that the other person with Power of Attorney tends to believe my mother's extreme claims and has started to suggest it is better I leave for her peace of mind. This is very surprising because I am the person doing the most work on a daily basis to hold things together but I think the other person believes the dramatic accounts she heard at times of crisis and overlooks those periods of calm in between.

It sounds like the other PoA doesn't spent much time with your mother. Would it be possible for the PoA to spend a full day or 5 - 6 consecutive hours so he/she can get a real feel for the situation? Doing this more than once can give a more accurate picture of what's going on. Sadly, taking a PWD's word for something can be misleading. I would couch it in terms of your "wanting fresh eyes on the situation" as opposed to the "get in the trenches with me and find out how things really are".

 

[canary]

I have to agree with Shedrech re the problem of the other POA wanting you to leave.

Keep a detailed log of everything that you do for your mum and recording her mood. When the POA holder starts saying that perhaps it would be better for you to move out, then produce the log showing that most of the time she is calm - and it will also show what you do for her. If she cant be left then either she would have to have 24/7 live-in carers (very expensive and not covered by Social Services), or she would have to go into a care home. The most care at home that you can generally expect from SS is a carer visiting for half an hour 3 or 4 times a day, plus some day centre hours.

As others have said - the value of her home will be disregarded for care at home when calculating finances, but if she goes into residential care, then it would be counted.

PS If the POA doesnt believe that mum needs that much care, then get him (Im assuming its a him!) to care for her for a week while you go on holiday!

 

[Amy in the US]

I agree, send the other PoA some of the links from the U.K. Alzheimer's Association website (will post those later for you if you like) and, more to the point, have them move in with your mother for a month while you go elsewhere. Then they might be more willing to listen to you and not the disease.