My mum-in-law is 83 and has just gone into a care home and we are seeing how things go. She lived alone with carers 3 times a day but as we noticed further changes we had to make that very difficult decision. Her alzheimers is now moderate to severe. The first night was awful for the family seeing her so distressed and during the night she had an altercation with a carer. When I arrived the next day she was so pleased to see me and then got very upset. I spent 4 hours with her today, pampering her and she perked up...until I mentioned leaving when she was adamant she was coming with me. I felt so awful leaving her there. I had to turn the corner and pelt it out of the building. Hoping you can share your experiences with me, thank you
Seeking reassurance
- Thread starter Tilly81
- Start date
Hi Tilly 81,
It is very difficult and so sad.
My mum still wants to come with me and holds onto me for dear life. We have now had distractions put in place by the carers as they could see the problems we were having trying to leave.
Today, the carer came down to mum's room and I said I had to pop and speak with the nurse and would be 10 mins and then left.
I have also used popping to the loo and getting something from the car.
It will always pull on your heart strings I am afraid, but your mum will have forgotten you have been after a short time, whereas we go home with it on our minds.
Best wishes.
It is very difficult and so sad.
My mum still wants to come with me and holds onto me for dear life. We have now had distractions put in place by the carers as they could see the problems we were having trying to leave.
Today, the carer came down to mum's room and I said I had to pop and speak with the nurse and would be 10 mins and then left.
I have also used popping to the loo and getting something from the car.
It will always pull on your heart strings I am afraid, but your mum will have forgotten you have been after a short time, whereas we go home with it on our minds.
Best wishes.
Hi Tilly and welcome to Talking Point
Its always hard when a relative needs to move into residential care. However much you know that its what is needed the gult monster will still whisper in your ear that you are a bad person, that you have betrayed their trust, you gave in too soon and it wasnt really that bad.
Dont listen.
Your MIL is now safe and looked after, but she needs to settle. It will take her a while to get used to her new surroundings and the routine. I think maybe you are all visiting too long and she is getting tired and confused. I would say that an hour or 2 is plenty - sometimes even 20 mins is long enough.
When you visit, staple a bright smile to your face and go in with a bright and breezy "isnt this all lovely" attitude. People with dementia (PWD) are generally very good at picking up body language and if they pick up that you are upset this will upset them in turn. As you have found, doing something rather than just trying to keep up a conversation works very well. When you leave dont do long drawn out goodbyes - I dont actually say goodbye, just "I will see you later". If going upsets her then work out an exit strategy. I usually time my visits so that I am leaving when either tea or a meal (I aim for the mid-day meal if possible) is being served which acts as a distraction. You might be able to enlist the help of one of the carers to come and show your MIL something important
while you disappear. You can always say you are going to the loo and simply disappear. It might help to leave your coat and bag in the office, so that you can just grab them on the way out.
Dont forget to remind yourself that she is safe, warm, fed, clean and looked after.
Its always hard when a relative needs to move into residential care. However much you know that its what is needed the gult monster will still whisper in your ear that you are a bad person, that you have betrayed their trust, you gave in too soon and it wasnt really that bad.
Dont listen.
Your MIL is now safe and looked after, but she needs to settle. It will take her a while to get used to her new surroundings and the routine. I think maybe you are all visiting too long and she is getting tired and confused. I would say that an hour or 2 is plenty - sometimes even 20 mins is long enough.
When you visit, staple a bright smile to your face and go in with a bright and breezy "isnt this all lovely" attitude. People with dementia (PWD) are generally very good at picking up body language and if they pick up that you are upset this will upset them in turn. As you have found, doing something rather than just trying to keep up a conversation works very well. When you leave dont do long drawn out goodbyes - I dont actually say goodbye, just "I will see you later". If going upsets her then work out an exit strategy. I usually time my visits so that I am leaving when either tea or a meal (I aim for the mid-day meal if possible) is being served which acts as a distraction. You might be able to enlist the help of one of the carers to come and show your MIL something important
while you disappear. You can always say you are going to the loo and simply disappear. It might help to leave your coat and bag in the office, so that you can just grab them on the way out.Dont forget to remind yourself that she is safe, warm, fed, clean and looked after.
My mother went into care now 10 weeks ago.
Generally Mum is a lot better for me leaving, than my sister or when we take our Dad.
Which is strange because I was mums main carer, and she depended on me greatly.
Dad she recognises as being familiar and our Dad, but not her husband.
What I have learnt...with my Mum anyway.
Keep your visits short/an hr tops.... the longer you stay the more agitated Mum becomes when time to leave. My sister stays 3hrs sometimes, and more often than not has trouble or has to get a carer to distract mum..
Time your visits so that you can leave just before a meal is served/or favourite activity.
Have an army of excuses up your sleeve as to why/where you are going.
Do say, " I will see you soon" rather than tomorrow, on Friday or whatever.
Dad unfortunately will not learn and gets out his house keys and says " Goodbye, I'm off home now" It's like a red rag to a bull with Mum, as she starts saying " You can't leave me here " Why can't I go" and the we have to get a carer to distract, or make a hasty exit through the security door.
I use humour a lot with Mum, if possible I wash her hair in the ensuite sink and blow wave her hair, take her favourite magazines, and now take her for a short walk round the Care Home village.... anything to keep her busy and occupied through my visit rather than just sitting... that is when Mum starts asking tricky questions.
Mum never remembers our visits from one day to the next, whether you could be there 15mns or 3hrs.
You will have good visits and not so good visits, don't take everything to heart.
Mum told my sister and dad the other day when they left not to bother coming back.
Generally Mum is a lot better for me leaving, than my sister or when we take our Dad.
Which is strange because I was mums main carer, and she depended on me greatly.
Dad she recognises as being familiar and our Dad, but not her husband.
What I have learnt...with my Mum anyway.
Keep your visits short/an hr tops.... the longer you stay the more agitated Mum becomes when time to leave. My sister stays 3hrs sometimes, and more often than not has trouble or has to get a carer to distract mum..
Time your visits so that you can leave just before a meal is served/or favourite activity.
Have an army of excuses up your sleeve as to why/where you are going.
Do say, " I will see you soon" rather than tomorrow, on Friday or whatever.
Dad unfortunately will not learn and gets out his house keys and says " Goodbye, I'm off home now" It's like a red rag to a bull with Mum, as she starts saying " You can't leave me here " Why can't I go" and the we have to get a carer to distract, or make a hasty exit through the security door.
I use humour a lot with Mum, if possible I wash her hair in the ensuite sink and blow wave her hair, take her favourite magazines, and now take her for a short walk round the Care Home village.... anything to keep her busy and occupied through my visit rather than just sitting... that is when Mum starts asking tricky questions.
Mum never remembers our visits from one day to the next, whether you could be there 15mns or 3hrs.
You will have good visits and not so good visits, don't take everything to heart.
Mum told my sister and dad the other day when they left not to bother coming back.
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It's such a difficult time settling into a CH. my folks (both with AD) have been in their CH for a couple of months now. It's complicated visiting both of them. Mum never asks about home, but doesn't want me to leave, so I generally give a reassuring 'see you later', whereas Dad asks about home, for which I am building a stock of excuses, and he seems content in the knowledge I visit every other day. I time my visits around lunch, or tea break for which I join them or use a a distraction to leave. I try and keep most visits fairly short. They are well and settled now, and it has got easier, although not easy!! Hope it all goes well. Gx
Dad took months to settle, the first few times when visiting I was greeted with 'thank goodness you came back for me' - heartbreaking. Over 2 years on and with the decline Dad forgets I am there and wanders off but I still never say goodbye - if I am with him I say am going to make a cake for tea, wash up, put the bins out etc, he never questions that now, if he has forgotten I am there and wanders off I just slip away. He hasn't got awareness now but I still stick to the same routine, why rock the boat with what has worked well over time after the initial tough agitated and settling in months. Love lies are the way to go, much kinder and causes less upset for the pwd, after a few minutes the pwd often forgets you have been!
So difficult and stressful/heartrending - I do feel for you.
My mother took ages to settle and I soon found that the only way I could leave without upset was to say I was just nipping to the shops before they closed, or to pick dh up from the station, or any one of sundry other 'love lies' - 'but I'll be back very soon.'
She would forget so quickly that I'd been at all, as I saw for myself once, when I came back after no more than a minute or two for a cardigan I'd left on a chair. She had no idea I'd only just been. (Just as well the cardi was still there - there were one or two avid 'squirrellers' of anything they fancied at the time!).
My mother took ages to settle and I soon found that the only way I could leave without upset was to say I was just nipping to the shops before they closed, or to pick dh up from the station, or any one of sundry other 'love lies' - 'but I'll be back very soon.'
She would forget so quickly that I'd been at all, as I saw for myself once, when I came back after no more than a minute or two for a cardigan I'd left on a chair. She had no idea I'd only just been. (Just as well the cardi was still there - there were one or two avid 'squirrellers' of anything they fancied at the time!).
Sorry I hadn't responded, I wasn't sent any notifications! Thank you for all your messages, I can relate to so many things you have shared and I feel for you all. I will definitely try the tactics you mentioned when I next see her. Seems the best way to deal with the situation without too much distress. After a week of her in the home I was beginning to have doubts, but that's just the guilt.
I am glad I started using the forum. Your messages have eased my conscience a little
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
I am glad I started using the forum. Your messages have eased my conscience a little
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
