Visitors at the Care Home... what's your thoughts..

[Linbrusco]

Funny how mum going into care has brought the relatives and friends out the woodwork wanting to visit!
Mum has been in a secure dementia care unit for 7 weeks.

So far it has only been us (immediate family) visiting.
Mum is semi settled , but has good days and now and again bad days, wanting to go home ( her old family home) she will get her coat & shoes, when is she getting out of here...
I always take a deep breath when I walk through the door

One of the main issues I have with visitors is that you never now how Mum can be/look when you go in.
Her hair might not be combed, or she might have refused her hair being washed, or she might have odd clothes on, or rugged up with jumpers and jackets, or the odd food stain on her clothes (carers do try).
Prior to Mum going into care I was the one that made sure she was presentable for the above reasons, if anyone came to visit or I was taking her out.
She was so oblivious, but I knew that she would otherwise be embarassed.


A month ago, I went up early and tidied Mum up, as her two sisters were visiting for the first time, and stayed while they were there.
The other weekend they insisted on going alone, plus with Mums brother who hadn't seen her for the previous 6 mnths. I couldn't get up there beforehand.
Obviously was a shock to them all....plus obviously seeing three siblings got her to asking where her Mum & Dad were and when they were coming to visit (dead for over 30 yrs)....and a part of me says Good! Wake up call they all needed!
Aunt said her hair was a mess, and she had a big jacket on sitting in the sun.
Uncle told dad she looked rough.... well Yes. She's been going through a stage of waking early from 3am, for months, and that's her for the day.
She will not sleep during the day either.

So... what do i do about other visitors?
Let them visit and risk come what may? Fob them off? Tell them no visitors other than immediate family? I simply can't be there every time a visitor wanted to see Mum, but considering how Mum is now i want to protect her dignity

 

[HillyBilly]

I hear what you're saying Linbrusco.
However you can't possibly be there in advance to prepare for visitors every time. Maybe the "novelty" of visiting will wear off soon enough anyhow...it sounds as if they were all a bit "shocked"...but that's the reality of dementia - it ain't always pretty!

 

[Kevinl]

They may not have wanted to go to a "secure unit" my wife did 6 months in one and it wasn't the easiest of places to be sometimes, a "home" sounds much more pleasant.
It may be that rightly or wrongly they see the move to a home as being "the beginning of the end" and want to spend some time before it's too late.
On the other hand when you say "The other weekend they insisted on going alone, plus with Mums brother who hadn't seen her for the previous 6 months" make the little imp on my left shoulder whisper "are they after something?" in my ear.
I take it a POA is in place and she is defined as lacking capacity so she can't be influenced into giving them money or changing her will or anything? Ugly question but a possibility.
K

 

[Katrine]

At least people want to visit her and if they are so shocked then they will either accept how she is now for the love of who she used to be, or they won't go again.

MIL used to visit a former work colleague in a CH and hated going, but the whole gang of 'girls' were forced to go by the dominant one who quite rightly said it was better to go and show that they still cared, and that if it was any of the rest of them she was sure they wouldn't want to be abandoned. I am sorry to say that most of the gang squirmed with embarrassment at the 'stupid' things their friend in the CH said and thought she could get well enough to go home if she'd only try harder. When the dominant friend died the others pretty much stopped visiting. To be fair, their friend didn't know who they were most of the time.

People just don't understand either dementia or mental illness if they haven't experienced it, and they find it upsetting and frightening when someone they know becomes 'odd'. In a roundabout way I am saying that in future the regular visitors to your mum will only be those people who can see beyond her unkempt appearance, or strange conversation. The rest will tell you they prefer to remember her as she used to be. "No doubt she would too" is the appropriate response to that statement.

 

[Beetroot]

I do understand about the dignity point. I think however that you need to consider how your mother feels about visitors - do visits give her a boost? If so, why not simply tell visitors the facts? That she needs the stimulation of visitors but because of the dementia she is not always her pre-dementia beautifully turned out self. You have to live with the reality of dementia and what is does to your LO; that's enough for you to concern yourself without having to hide the reality from them.

 

[Linbrusco]

They may not have wanted to go to a "secure unit" my wife did 6 months in one and it wasn't the easiest of places to be sometimes, a "home" sounds much more pleasant.
It may be that rightly or wrongly they see the move to a home as being "the beginning of the end" and want to spend some time before it's too late.
On the other hand when you say "The other weekend they insisted on going alone, plus with Mums brother who hadn't seen her for the previous 6 months" make the little imp on my left shoulder whisper "are they after something?" in my ear.
I take it a POA is in place and she is defined as lacking capacity so she can't be influenced into giving them money or changing her will or anything? Ugly question but a possibility.
K

No not after anything Kevin they just insisted that they didn't need me there with them and they would be OK... and yes, POA & Wills all in place
Mums brother was expecting her to be in a Rest Home/Hospital.
The other two sisters didn't tell him, that it was Secure Dementia or in other words "Special Care Unit"
If it wasn't for Mums disorientation, wandering & potential to get lost, she might have been assesed as needing Rest Home level.
I think he had painted himself this rosy picture and the reality was far from.
My Aunt says she doesn't think he will visit Mum again.
No big loss... he's an alcoholic and i was uncertain about him going to visit in the first place, and Mum had not seen eye to eye with him for years.
Even Mums two sisters have been twice to visit in 3 weeks, when they hadn't visited Mum at home for nearly 6 months.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

I do understand about the dignity point. I think however that you need to consider how your mother feels about visitors - do visits give her a boost? If so, why not simply tell visitors the facts? That she needs the stimulation of visitors but because of the dementia she is not always her pre-dementia beautifully turned out self. You have to live with the reality of dementia and what is does to your LO; that's enough for you to concern yourself without having to hide the reality from them.

During the years that my husband was at home, bravely trying to live with his Alzheimer's, I used to tell everyone that he would love to see them. They all knew he had Alzheimer's. Very few came, and he was often sad that they didn't visit us.
Now that he has moved into a Care home, and his memory for faces and names has all but vanished, several of them have contacted me, saying they would like to visit him. I feel like saying they've left it too late. One colleague in particular, who my husband never liked very much because he said he was too selfish(!) has now offered to go and see him, and to my surprise, when I told my husband he said " Why would he want to come and see me, now that I'm struggling?" I couldn't believe he was so clear in his mind at that moment.
The ones who matter will see beyond the occasional food spattered garment, though I agree, for us it's hard to think of this loss of dignity.

 

[Witzend]

We only really ever had close relatives visiting, but I did once stop a niece from Canada going. She hadn't seen her for many years and my mother had never been exactly wild about that branch of the family anyway (!). So I said that people she didn't recognise would upset her.
But the truth was that I knew my mother would have absolutely hated that niece to see her like that, in later stages of Alzh. Good enough reason IMO!

 

[Kjn]

We've an old villager who knew my parents who saw dad at day care few times and since dad hasn't been going being in hospital, he has started coming round asking mum how he is , decided to track him down in hospital, when he moved hospital we didn't tell him and has reappeared again.... Have since found out he does the rounds of the village "gossiping" about how everyone is, where they are etc. so he will be stopped , he is of no benefit to dad and tbh a right pain ..always was.

 

[Chemmy]

My thoughts are that if they don't 'get' the current situation, it's their problem, not yours or your mother's.

Maybe ask yourself if the immediate benefit your mother gets from one to one interaction outweighs everything else?

 

[Lets_Stop_Time]

I understand you want your mum to be presentable but I guess this is her now and family and friends have to learn to understand. It's hard for us to visit but we still do. It's still her in whatever state.

 

[Amy in the US]

Lin, I don't have any advise or suggestions that haven't already been stated, just wondering how things are going?

 

[Red66]

Hi Linbrusco, immediate family, myself, brother, mum and my husband were the only ones that saw Dad. We didn't let anyone else for his own dignity. We knew he wouldnt like it as he was rather proud. His leg could be hanging off and he would have said he was fine. He was to proud to complain anything was wrong. So when it all went pear shaped we made that decision for him. X

 

[Linbrusco]

Hi Linbrusco, immediate family, myself, brother, mum and my husband were the only ones that saw Dad. We didn't let anyone else for his own dignity. We knew he wouldnt like it as he was rather proud. His leg could be hanging off and he would have said he was fine. He was to proud to complain anything was wrong. So when it all went pear shaped we made that decision for him. X

Thanks all for your replies.
It's a tough one. Mum always liked visitors, but now after a few pleasantries (as judged when her siblings visited) she loses interest, and wants to be off joining in the activities, and seeing her friends she's made.
I do also find that Mum is different for me ( main carer for over 5 years) and my sister & brother.
I can get her talking and laughing, and manage to get her to go to her room for a sit and a chat, and so far have taken her out for a walk twice. My siblings lack confidence.
It's hard to get us to visit together due to work hours and travelling.

One lady that went to a senior citizens club with mum, who was friendly but not a great friend of Mums, wants to visit. I phoned her to let her know how Mum was getting on, but said at this stage immediate family. I feel she is only wanting to visit out of being nosey, and to report back to all the other ladies at the senior citizens club.