Hello everyone I am a newbie today!

[Spytty]

How do you all cope with the guilt when things havent been great. I don't live with Mum in fact 70 miles away, she does and says such stupid daft things, I go months with regular visits and phone calls, but just in the last couple of weeks, I have had enough. I have no wish to visit or to makephone calls. I feel callous, but it juts makes me feel worse about it all when it is a "bad" phone call or "visit" It seems to be just me she gets shirty with, not my brother or her neighbours or carers, how do I get past this ?

 

[Shedrech]

oh Spytty
I think it all catches up with each of us at some point
it sounds as though you've worked hard to make sure your mum is supported and I guess the carers will let you know if anything is seriously amiss - so maybe take some time out, miss some calls, recharge your batteries - then, when you're ready, take a deep breath and wade back into the fray
it does seem that one relative (often the closest !) can be picked out for being picked on - maybe a break will give your mum a chance to let go of whatever is behind the shirtiness
welcome to TP - where you can share whatever's on your mind knowing the members understand and sympathise

 

[Spytty]

Does anyone really understand what alzheimers does to a person. I know about the brain damages etc, but does it really take away common sense thoughts and deeds from the sufferer? Mum has recently come out of hospital, had a mobility team go in to her bungalow to help out, so she knows they were there, knows she has to use the trolley or the zimmer frame as she is a bit wobbly at the best of times, did it while they were there......a neighbour pops in to see her a couple of hours later to find her in the garden trying to take in the washing, clinging to the prop, saying she is stuck....no zimmer frame or trolley in sight.....yet she knows she has to. The neighbour said what if I hadn't come in, you would have been out there all night, you should have taken the zimmer....Mum says I know but fun getting me in again wasn't it..................

 

[jaymor]

Welcome to Talking Point Spytty. There are many of us on here who are going through or been through exactely the same thing. It is very common and I think we all have a different take on why someone with dementia acts this way.

I can remember times when the children were being difficult and I would be sounding off to my husband and he would ask why I was attacking him. I think it was because I was safe doing so, shouting at the children might push them away, shouting at him wouldnn't, he was here for keeps.

My husband when he was diagnosed and several years into his diagnosis would be awkward, argumentative and downright vile at times to me and everyone else got a big smile. I can't begin to know how frustrated dementia makes you feel, I get hetup when I can't remember a name, how would I feel if I could not remember half of my day?

We just have to develope a thick skin, swear/scream at dementia and hope the behaviour stops some time soon. Sadly when it does stop it is only because another piece of difficult behaviour takes its place.

I hope you soon start to feel better about the situation.

 

[Shedrech]

Sadly Spytty, the answer to this

does it really take away common sense thoughts and deeds from the sufferer?

is yes, that is exactly what it can do
what your mum used to rationally think through, she is now most likely just immediately (unthinkingly) responding to - she wants to take in the washing, so she goes to do just that - the link to her mobility problems and the fact (obvious to us) that these mean she will have difficulty with a task she once took for granted just isn't being made (the part of her brain that used to make such links is no longer working as it was) - she isn't aware that she has mobility problems (it doesn't matter who has told her or how often) so to her there are no problems, she is fine and can go get in the washing as she always has
YOU know she has to use the walking frame - she KNOWS she can walk just fine
she may have used the frame when the mobility team were there - but that was then; she's not retaining that information as the part of her brain that used to do that is not working as it used to
I guess your mum has always been able to come out with a quick quip, which is what she did with the neighbour - it's a good cover up strategy

a hospital stay is often followed by worsened confusion, which may improve, however it may not
I'd let the care team know about this particular concern - there are door alarms linked to carephone systems which can be installed

maybe looking at this thread may give you some more ideas as to how to respond to your mum
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
best wishes

 

[Spytty]

Thanks. Mum has been diagonsed for a couple of years now and every stage and change, throws me backwards. Dad had lewy bodies a few years ago and we lost him in 2007, which in all honesty to us who knew was a relief rather than grief. Selfishly I thought well 1 parent had that and we got through it, we should have a relatively good time with a fit and healthy Mum. So sad for her, but doubly sad for family and friends.

 

[Spamar]

It's a saying on here, if you've seen one person with dementia, you've seen one person with dementia. Meaning that everyone is different!
One problem I had in the early days was that a new behaviour would develop. After a while, I would think, got that, can deal with it. Within a short time another new behaviour would develop! And I had to go through another learning curve. It was like that until the day he died!

 

[Poet1]

I am another newbie. Those answers have been kind and supportive. I have learned a little. It seems that from many comments one might glean useful ideas even if the situations are not exact matches. Thank you.



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[Slugsta]

Hi and welcome (you too Poet1), sorry that you have need of us though.

My Mum's memory isn't always that bad, it's her logic circuits that often seem to be gone. It's hard when she is insisting that she is wearing something that I am holding in my hands at the time! Rational thought seems to have gone. All part of the horrid disease of dementia I'm afraid

 

[Poet1]

Hi Sludsta,

Thank you. Yes, logic is a problem and her judgement and decisions can be rather odd. A logical discussion is now never worth while. Agreed principles have no relevance for the future. Mostly I can let my wife have her way. If the decision etc. is too bad I just overrule. Happily she very seldom worries about that.

The most recent changes are repetitive and excessive anxiety and doing progressively less and complaining of greater tiredness. Recently our GP checked the tiredness and found no problems. Can tiredness be a symptom of Alzheimers?

My big concern is to what extent I am doing the right sort of things and what I am doing that is really not wise.


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