Rudeness isn't an accuse just because of the dementia!

[VonVee]

I've just been told by my really loving, caring and maternal mother... NOT!,,

Oh what a really big fat horrible AR-- you have there,
and then turned it around pretty quickly on the dog! When I told her not ok.... I do have thick skin, but that takes the biscuit... Stupid women, (you go and change your 7 pair of urine soaked knickers your wearing all at once, on your own next time, yeah?..)

The thing is rudeness is no excuse just because you have dementia,

And I'm not putting up with it

She complains all the time, one of the moans is that she's left on her own with nothing to do, even tho I've and the SW's have exhausted every option possible because she won't and refuses to go to a day centre to give me a rest... Oh no not my mum, selfish cow... I'm always there, she gets 3 meals a day, I do everything for her, neglecting my own family upstairs at the same time, she also doesn't want to go out, even tho she now has a wheelchair so I can take her out, it's not good enough! Nothing I do is good enough for that women...

No wonder my dad died, probably needed the rest tbh...gee thanks pa!!,,

Not having fun...rant over...

 

[Batsue]

Try not to take it personally, my mum is always saying that I look like a bloke because I have had my hair cut short.
Apart from the incontinence the rest of your post describes the way my mum behaves, I do all of the cooking, washing etc but she is forever saying she wishes she still lived in her own home and telling me I am not a nice daughter.
It is the dementia talking, try just walking away, I used to get upset but it now goes over my head although I occasionally make a rude sign from another room.

 

[Beate]

I know you're frustrated and compassionate communication is difficult, but fear manifests itself in many different forms, one of them is verbal abuse. She won't be able to listen to reason or understand if you tell her not to talk to you like that.

But you have a right to say no, I won't do it any longer. If you cannot cope, you have every right to tell social services that you refuse to care for her any longer and let them find a care home for her.

 

[Lavender45]

Hi Vonvee

If its even a tiny bit of consolation I'm an awful, terrible, mean, nasty daughter along with any other words my mum can think of.

Like you I'm here running myself ragged after her, though thankfully I don't have incontinence to deal with as yet.

My mum won't go to a day centre and refuses to have carers coming in, so its me and a woman I find hard to like or love 24/7. In mum's case some of it is dementia, but some of it has been pure mum all my life.

I've actually said to myself that my dad had a lucky escape passing 25 years ago and that he's cut a deal with him upstairs to keep mum out of his hair for a good while to come. Maybe this makes me a bad daugher, but I'm doing what I can and that has to be enough. Reedysue is right about trying not to take the comments personally, I just wish I could say I managed it as its really good advice.

 

[jasmineflower]

Vonvee
We all feel your pain and hope that letting it out has helped. This lack of any diplomacy whatsoever is characteristic of dementia and so is the total lack of empathy for others.

My father in law is the same: phones us 20 times a day regardless of the time, has no interest in anyone except himself. Wants us to go round all the time but refused offers of lunch clubs, day centres etc.

I think you have to develop a bit of a thick skin: say to yourself "I have done my best. She will never be happy no matter how much I do. So I can do no more" and ignore the moaning.

If she is rude to your face, I would tell her that is is unacceptable and then leave the room. Just as you would a toddler. Then come back here and have another rant - you are among friends!

 

[VonVee]

Dear Lavender45

Thankyou hon, your reply hit it on the head for me, your right, it's not all to do with the dementia, because my mum, like yours, was always like that long before the dementia, and from the age of 15 I've been trying and keeping my distance, the dementia, just manifests your personality, and my mum never had one of those to start off with.

Some people ask me why do I do it, and tell me it's time for a care home! Well yes there probably right, but I live in Dorset, the 2nd most expensive county to London it seems, and I can't afford it, even though it would be better for me in the long term, it would also leave me worse off financially, so that's why she's here, through choice, through necessity, through servival, plus my house is a split level bungalow, and I can always come upstairs and no one see's the hand gestures up here.. Lol xx






QUOTE=Lavender45;1281846]Hi

If its even a tiny bit of consolation I'm an awful, terrible, mean, nasty daughter along with any other words my mum can think of.

Like you I'm here running myself ragged after her, though thankfully I don't have incontinence to deal with as yet.

My mum won't go to a day centre and refuses to have carers coming in, so its me and a woman I find hard to like or love 24/7. In mum's case some of it is dementia, but some of it has been pure mum all my life.

I've actually said to myself that my dad had a lucky escape passing 25 years ago and that he's cut a deal with him upstairs to keep mum out of his hair for a good while to come. Maybe this makes me a bad daugher, but I'm doing what I can and that has to be enough. Reedysue is right about trying not to take the comments personally, I just wish I could say I managed it as its really good advice.[/QUOTE]

 

[Lavender45]

Hi VonVee

I understand where you are coming from about care too. Mum and I jointly own our house. If and when a care home is necessary I know mum's share will need to be released to fund care. I sound selfish, but I'm reluctant to be jobless (gave up to look after mum), cash strapped after 18 months of just carers allowance as an income and looking at private rented property. For me it seems to be nose to the grindstone and a lot of venting on here, oh and some interesting hand signals behind closed doors where mum doesn't see!

 

[Mikemanc]

I feel your anger.

Mum has been aweful to me this week, not let me sleep all week staying up late and getting up as the suns coming up and I've been called every name possible, this is including telling me she's getting the police to get me out of her house because she doesn't want a hateful t**t like me in her house. I know exactly how you feel Chin up though, we'll all get through it together having our rants in here! X

 

[JohnBG]

Never Easy.

It is respect for yourself that you should not accept this, we all have limitations my mother tries to boss everyone about, the more you take notice or heed t h e longer it will continue.

What do you want to do ? What is in your best interest it should not b e making you I'll, my mother had daily carers all 21 of them and loves it now, what advice would you give to others if you were not c emotionally attached. What is safe for my mother, you are entitled to a life as well.

Prolonging the inevitable if a care home is appropriate now or in two years, I am addressing her illness which she still denies not her as a person.

We all cope in differing methods, I pace myself from what might be an on-call service so be kind to yourself we know how hard it is.

Take care, John.

 

[Lavender45]

Hi Vonvee

Just nipped back to say hope the washing machine was delivered with no hassle today.

Lavender x