My Mum lives with us, she is 95 and has dementia, she keeps asking me where her mother is, well she has been dead for 50 years, she also asks after her sisters who have also passed away, when I tell her that they have died she wants to know why she isn't dead. She hasn't got a clue who I am, she is quite surprised when I tell her that I am her daughter as though she doesn't even know that she has one, I think she thinks that I am one of her sisters as she asks me questions about years ago which i don't know the answers to.
What do i tell her.
- Thread starter christy46
- Start date
Hello christy
It's really difficult to give an acceptable answer every time. I was wondering if , when your mother asks about past events , believing you have lived through them, if she might accept you saying it was a long time ago and you can't remeber.
When she asks after her sisters who have passed away, perhaps you could try telling her you think they are all right.
When my husband asked about his mother I used to tell him I'd written to her but hadn't had an answer. He accepted it. Sometimes I said I'd write again, anything to make him feel happier.
It's trial and error. I know it's stressful and hope I've helped
It's really difficult to give an acceptable answer every time. I was wondering if , when your mother asks about past events , believing you have lived through them, if she might accept you saying it was a long time ago and you can't remeber.
When she asks after her sisters who have passed away, perhaps you could try telling her you think they are all right.
When my husband asked about his mother I used to tell him I'd written to her but hadn't had an answer. He accepted it. Sometimes I said I'd write again, anything to make him feel happier.
It's trial and error. I know it's stressful and hope I've helped
My dad used to ask for his mother all the time and I used to give him a variety of answers ranging from she has gone out with her friends, she is at the bingo, she is on her way, she will be coming soon. She isn't coming until tomorrow etc etc. My reason for doing this was because my mum started off by telling him she was dead but seeing the pain and confusing etched on his face I realised this wasn't a good approach so we changed tack and told our little white lies. He seemed to accept this albeit after many repeated questions asking for her. This was always done early evening and eventually he would settle if I held his hand titghly and soothed him by gently telling him where she was and when she would be here. Hope this helps
Thank you Grannie G, that is a great help, I know I must make Mum feel happy about things even if I have to bend the truth a bit.
Thanks jjude, I was wondering if I should make up some stories about where people are instead of saying that they had passed away, I know that after about 5 minutes of me telling her that her mother is out shopping or what ever she will have forgotten it anyway.
My heart goes out to you. This disease causes so much suffering. Give yourself credit for all you are doing for your Mum. You are a brilliant daughter.
From my experience it is good to go along with the conversation as much as you can. I try to imagine myself in the time and place. I wouldn't tell your Mum that people have died as it causes more confusion. Pretend you are with your mum in the past and just try to tell her people have gone out for a while, be back soon etc. talk about things you dId when you were a child etc. Your mum is sometimes in a different time zone, stay for a while in this time zone with her and maybe you will be able to gently distract her. I don't like the term " love lies" myself, no offence meant to anyone, ( we all use different strategies that work for us) but in my opinion we are not telling lies; we are simply being kind, loving and caring while our hearts are breaking into pieces.
Continue being the loving daughter you are and I pray for strength and send you a thousand blessings.
Aisling ( Ireland ) xxx
