Personality Changes: Who Was My Real Mum?

[Ann422]

My mum has dementia and her personality is a complete 180 degree turnaround from who she was before this disease. Also, she has been, and still is, completely unaware that she has this illness. In fact, she thinks I am the one with memory issues and other people too. I understand that the changes are to be expected but my question is this:
Is this the real Mum that was always inside or is this a change? She was always a loving, caring, nice person and now she is the opposite in so many ways. Thank you.

 

[Risa]

The way I think of personality changes in my Mum is to think of it as similar to someone having a traumatic head injury. Mum cannot behave like she used to because of the brain 'injury'. Her frustration and anger are due to her not being able to verbalise how she feels or because she gets very confused by events, she misinterprets them. Her emotions sometimes get out of control and she gets overwhelmed and can't hold them in.

I definitely don't think that the Mum I have now is a 'true' version. My sister thinks that in the way that Mum can't access her memories anymore, she now cannot access the appropriate emotional responses which makes sense to me.

 

[JohnnyFive]

My mum has dementia and her personality is a complete 180 degree turnaround from who she was before this disease. Also, she has been, and still is, completely unaware that she has this illness. In fact, she thinks I am the one with memory issues and other people too. I understand that the changes are to be expected but my question is this:
Is this the real Mum that was always inside or is this a change? She was always a loving, caring, nice person and now she is the opposite in so many ways. Thank you.

I'm in the same boat as you. I've been looking after my mother who has Alzheimer's and she is completely a different person to the mother I knew and loved. I'm using the past tense because I've almost come to terms with the person I look after not being the same person that looked after me.

It's very hard to get your head around it. They will seem totally different and sometimes will even say that you're doing things behind their back, someone else did it, etc. From personal experience, I found that having a network of friends and family (where in my case it's more friends of mine and family friends) to be there for when you need help, to vent or just to get a few hrs piece away from it all is a massive help. I don't think I could have gotten this far without.

 

[Ann422]

I'm in the same boat as you. I've been looking after my mother who has Alzheimer's and she is completely a different person to the mother I knew and loved. I'm using the past tense because I've almost come to terms with the person I look after not being the same person that looked after me.

It's very hard to get your head around it. They will seem totally different and sometimes will even say that you're doing things behind their back, someone else did it, etc. From personal experience, I found that having a network of friends and family (where in my case it's more friends of mine and family friends) to be there for when you need help, to vent or just to get a few hrs piece away from it all is a massive help. I don't think I could have gotten this far without.

Johnny, so so true. I understand the "past tense" also. It is so hard because the Mum I know and love is gone now. But, she is still here. Her reasoning is way off and she is at times saying cruel things and at others just indifferent. I think it is a sad kind of grief. Thank you for responding to me.

 

[Ann422]

edit

 

[chrissie121]

My mum has dementia and her personality is a complete 180 degree turnaround from who she was before this disease. Also, she has been, and still is, completely unaware that she has this illness. In fact, she thinks I am the one with memory issues and other people too. I understand that the changes are to be expected but my question is this:
Is this the real Mum that was always inside or is this a change? She was always a loving, caring, nice person and now she is the opposite in so many ways. Thank you.

My mum has had dementia now for around 4 years, she is not the same person anymore. Its the illness and yes its exactly like someone whose had a major brain injury. You don't seem to know them. My mum would never shout at anyone or make a scene or be rude. Now she is often that way and says exactly what's on her mind, she doesn't seem to know or care she be heard by the person she is being unpleasant about. She gets angry and frustrated as she has moments of clarity where she states her brain feels muddled and she can't find the words or can't remember. Her short term memory is shot to pieces, often you will answer the same question, over and over and over and over again in the same 5 minutes. Other times there are flashes of the "real" Mum, when she remembers her children's names and you can have a conversation, chat about the past, what family members are up doing. She can still go out for lunch and dinner, and has had a number of physical problems to deal with as well. She does have good days, happy sort of days and she has bad days, very angry days and cross with everyone. Usually this is driven by frustration because she is confused and scared and frightened, all at the same time. It is so hard, all you can do, is do your best and know that the person who is cross or angry with you, its your Mum, its her illness.

 

[Ann422]

My mum has had dementia now for around 4 years, she is not the same person anymore. Its the illness and yes its exactly like someone whose had a major brain injury. You don't seem to know them. My mum would never shout at anyone or make a scene or be rude. Now she is often that way and says exactly what's on her mind, she doesn't seem to know or care she be heard by the person she is being unpleasant about. She gets angry and frustrated as she has moments of clarity where she states her brain feels muddled and she can't find the words or can't remember. Her short term memory is shot to pieces, often you will answer the same question, over and over and over and over again in the same 5 minutes. Other times there are flashes of the "real" Mum, when she remembers her children's names and you can have a conversation, chat about the past, what family members are up doing. She can still go out for lunch and dinner, and has had a number of physical problems to deal with as well. She does have good days, happy sort of days and she has bad days, very angry days and cross with everyone. Usually this is driven by frustration because she is confused and scared and frightened, all at the same time. It is so hard, all you can do, is do your best and know that the person who is cross or angry with you, its your Mum, its her illness.

Thank you. Yes, it is NOT her, it is her ILLNESS TALKING. I will have to remember that. Like you, my Mum used to (not as frequently now) have moments when it was better, but that is less and less as this awful, hateful disease moves on. It hate this disease and the pain it causes all of our loved ones and us.

 

[fizzie]

You are so right Ann about the pain it causes xxxx my mum thought I was the one with memory loss until the day she died!!!! Poor me lol

 

[stanleypj]

It is incredibly upsetting when this happens. But, surely, it's so upsetting because for decades she was the wonderful person you describe. That person was the genuine one. There's no doubt about that.

A ray of hope is that there evidence on TP and elsewhere that these transformations for the worse do not always last for the rest of the person's life. Some people, at least, gradually calm down, cause less upset and, despite all the changes, revert, in essence, to something like their former selves.

 

[Ann422]

You are so right Ann about the pain it causes xxxx my mum thought I was the one with memory loss until the day she died!!!! Poor me lol

Wow. Thank you. I was beginning to wonder! I worry that because she has it, that I might get it. It is a big fear.

 

[Ann422]

It is incredibly upsetting when this happens. But, surely, it's so upsetting because for decades she was the wonderful person you describe. That person was the genuine one. There's no doubt about that.

Stanley, thank you for saying this. I truly needed to hear it today.
Ann

 

[velocity]

Personality changes who was my real Mum

I am also really struggling with this at the moment, I am never sure now who this person is going to be or if she is going to recognise me, I am one of two people at the moment sometimes, you know thingy migig Oh and if there is a problem, its surely not her, again if anybody has a problem it will be me!
But seriously this can be really draining, xx

 

[Dayperson]

I'm in the same boat, mums definitely not been the same since her op over 10 years ago.

I find that I sometimes have to detach myself whether it be by spending time alone in my room or going for walks on my own. I think if I was with her 24/7 I would end up more mad and depressed than I currently am.

It is really hard to see someone you know and love change so much. Mum used to share everything and be considerate. Now she will eat more than her fair share (I only had 1 square of the last bar of chocolate, she ate the rest). This is not the mum I grew up with and I am now living with a stranger.