Am going to try to keep this as short and concise as I can. Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers 5 yrs ago, she was living in her own home 300 miles away from me (daughter) Brother and his wife lived half hour away from mum. For the 1st 3 yrs mum managed well but as time progressed the signs of deterioation in both her mental and physical health were noticed. Mum was also having frequent falls, I was visiting as often as I could and contacted a private care company to come and see mum for a chat while I was there to organise some befriending visits for mum. I wanted a professional pair of eyes on mum as my brother would only say when I phoned that mum was ok and didn't need help! Brother never attended this visit although asked. This should've been my first alarm bell but I naievely ignored it.
The last visit to mums was terrible, she was in a right state and so was the house. I decided then that enough was enough and that mum should come to live with me, which she did and has been with me now for 10 months. Before mum moved in I was working full time as a carer for Alzheimers in the community, a job I've done for the last 37yrs.
My brother brought her down to me (1st visit to see his sister in 16yrs) and she looked like a homeless person, hair long and greasy, clothes hanging off her due to loss of weight etc.
Another brain scan revealed Multi-infarct dementia brought on by TIA's (her falls) also diagnosed with fluid on her right lung (which explained the congealed spit and sputum in her bathroom sink at home) Mum is now on the right medication to help both problems and she hasn't had a 'fall' in 10 months, although still spits up fluid from her lung, she's gone back up 2 dress sizes and is looking well, although does now suffer with 'post stroke headaches' which can be severe and have to send her to bed, (meaning ringing in sick from work as mum extremely confused when she wakes up from these afternoon sleeps and I must be in the house)
Mums mental state has deterioated over time and have found myself having to reduce my working hours to help mum at home. Spoke to my brother (We both have POA) as now need some help from SS or private. Brother hit the roof, and said he didn't want SS involved because he didn't want SS getting their hands on mums house, (which is still sitting there 300 miles away deterioating)
Stupidly, struggled on! Mentioned Day Centres to him so I can have a day off (not had one in 10 months) another hit of roof saying a waste of mums money and I didn't need a break!!
Long story short, I've got myself into a financial pickle, hours now reduced to 14 a week, no help and for the last 6 wks have had to use some of mums pension to pay bills. Hate doing it and feel like a thief. Another hit of roof from brother! Brother is also a Magistrate and felt like I was in the dock!!
It's coming to crunch time where mum is going to have to live with my brother and his wife but have major concerns about her well-being. Brother runs 2 business's, wife is a Director of a company full time, takes 2/3 holidays a year and has an active social life, has no patience with mum, plus doesn't 'see' what's going on with mum and worried that he won't pick up on the tiniest change which can be acted on to stop it becoming a major problem, i.e. sending her to bed to sleep off the headaches the minute you see her hold her head in her hand. (Medication doesn't help but sleeping does)
Don't know what to do. I know in black and white it's the right thing to do financially, (I know my brother will look after her financial affairs well, as he said to me on the phone the other night that he saw mum coming down to me as a business arrangement!) but not as far as mums well being is concerned and am really worried.
If mum does go to brothers can I put something in place with SS that he has to care for her needs, not just what HE thinks she needs but what she really needs.
Is there anything I can do to protect her??? Any and all advice gratefully appreciated.
Thanks.
hi there, its always difficult when siblings are joint POA's but don't agree. Are you joint or independent POA's. If you can act without his imput, then you are independent and can do what is right for your mother. Your mother clearly needs full time care. Firstly you should apply for Disability Living Allowance for your mother, this is to help her at home by providing funds to pay for care. You are that care. Secondly, you can apply for a carers allowance - again you are providing that care. You can then ask SS to help you with daily care as you are coping alone. Thirdly don't feel bad and use your mother's pension to pay for bills and also some private care as well. You can also ask SS to provide respite care for you as you are a lone carer. this would involve a week or two in a care home whilst you get a rest. all of this SS can help you with, they will also appoint a Social worker to help you and ensure that as you are caring for your mother at home and not placing her in a home they will do what they can. ( its cheaper for them for you to have her at home).
At some point along the line she will need to go into full time care and it may be that your brother believes he can organise private care at his home and avoid the need for full time care, but is this fair on your mother? She would benefit from the care a home can provide, the stimulation and activities that homes provide, the personal and emotional care that comes with it. Financial gains - such as her house - should not be the main factor in considering what is right for her. After all, shouldn't the house she owns now be an asset to her in her old age and help ensure she is looked after in her twilight years.
