Still lost!

[2jays]

Oh gosh Molly I know exactly what you mean. My dad died over 40 years ago but I still have my moments expecting him to walk through the door....

The pain of loss never goes.... It just gets easier to think about the loss and remember the good times more than the bad times.

My dad died from rapid invasive painful cancer. Within months he went from fit and healthy to one year later dying in agony. Took a long time to forget that year. It's not really forgotten, but the horror of that year is just an echo of a memory and the good bits during that year are good memories.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Sasky]

Hello again

It's now just over 4 weeks since i lost my darling mum. Since the funeral I have felt much worse, I ventured out to the shops which was a disaster as I saw a woman pushing her mum in a wheelchair and all I could think was, that should be me taking mum out In her wheelchair, so that did it for me so had to leave the shop and drove home crying my eyes out.

This week Mums ashes came back, I feel ok with this but sobbed when the funeral director gave me mums favourite red shoes back (I didn't realise they couldn't cremate with shoes on).

Every day I go into Mums bedroom, talk to her and cry, cry, cry. I just long to see her, hear her, feel her and can't believe that none of these will happen ever again. The heart and soul of my home has now gone, the house feels so empty

I am dreading Christmas it was Mums favourite time of year, I just want it to be over. I am not celebrating it my husband and I have been invited to my brothers but I declined as I know how I will be and that wouldn't be fair to him and his family. My brother was very clear that they will be celebrating Christmas, I find this hard to accept as it will only be 6 weeks since Mum died, but I shouldn't judge him I know but nevertheless.....

My Husband tries to comfort me but he doesn't understand at all the depth of my feelings and he finds it difficult when i don't respond happily to some of his suggestions, which are: Do you want to go out to lunch, shall we play some music etc. he then gets a bit annoyed and of course that starts me off again. My only saving grace at the moment is my two chocolate Labradors.

I know this is a stupid thing to say but I never thought of my mum dying I thought she would always be with me, now she has gone I feel so lost and alone without her and I miss her more than words can say

Cathy

 

[Fastwalker]

I know how you feel. I visited my mum in the home for four and a half years on a Saturday afternoon and today I thought about going but I cant because she died three weeks ago today. The home was only just over a mile away and I sometimes automatically drive up that road without thinking when I don't need to any more.

I am going out with the walking club tomorrow for a Christmas meal and walk booked way back in the summer. I am dreading peoples sympathy but I live alone so need the company. I am going on a work lunch this week and out with a kind friend on Friday. These are not really Christmas celebrations though they get me out of the house. I was in town last weekend and heard a Salvation Army band which set me off crying.

 

[lexy]

Hello all

Just wanted to wish everybody on this thread a peaceful and not too sad Christmas.

I used to love this time of the year and was like an excited child, but not anymore if I don't have my dear mum to share it with it all seems a bit pointless and I feel more like a "damp squid".

People who know me don't realise how sad this time of year is for me because I am very good at putting on a "front", but I know from reading other posts I am not alone in feeling the way I do.

I am sure we will all manage to get through it one way or another, thankfully it is only one day.


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I have decided that for this year (will see how I feel at the next one) Christmas is officially off, I'm not putting the tree up or any decorations, it's just another day as far as I'm concerned. The sooner the cards are out of the shops the better, but in saying that the Mother's Day cards will be out, just can't win, everything seems to remind me that mum isn't here.
I am trying my best not to be a Scrooge but not doing a good job of it, at least I'm not going around going 'bah humbug' (well not yet anyway)!
To all those who like me have lost a loved one, I hope you have the nicest Christmas you can under the circumstances.

 

[Sasky]

Carabosse I am exactly like you not putting up any tree or decorations. I am dreading Christmas and can't wait for it to be over. I miss my mum more than words can say and just can't describe his utterly devastated feeling I am experiencing, but I sure you and Lexy know how I feel.

Take care xx

 

[elizabet]

I was talking to a lady who lost her husband nearly two years ago. She said her daughter and herself have" Dad moments" - they see something that reminds them of dad or husband which makes them sad for a few moments, a few tears perhaps but then they live for the moment and get on with things.
I have my "Mum moments" when I am reminded of her , especially at present as it is exactly a year ago since I last saw her alive and had my last Mum cuddle.
However, I know she would not have wanted me to waste my life grieving for her and would have wanted me to continue to pursue my many interests.
My Christmas tree is up, my Christmas cake (using Mum's recipe) is made and just needs icing and I shall enjoy Christmas . Yes, I will have periods when I will have tears in my eyes as I think of her and I will never forget her but I am determined to live my life to the full. A toast will be drunk on Christmas day to absent friends and relatives.

 

[Carabosse]

Yes sasky I know exactly how you are feeling. I never thought I would ever say this but I hope the festive season goes quickly, I just wish it was over.

I am having mum (and dad) moments every night in my dreams, as I have said they are as if I am there, everything is alright and I'm happy, then when I wake the nightmare begins as I realise mum (and dad) aren't here anymore.

If they are looking down on me they would both be worrying about me and how I am feeling, they would both want me to continue with my life, but that is easier said than done and I am sure they will understand that. I know if anything had happened to me mum would be feeling exactly the same way as I am now.

 

[Fastwalker]

I cant be bothered to put up a tree and decorations. I have just taken down the sympathy cards and the Christmas cards are in a pile on the coffee table. I just simply don't feel like it. I know how everyone feels. I am so exhausted still after the last few weeks of my mums life that I just haven't got the energy.

 

[Hengell]

Mum died approx 4 weeks ago. My xmas tree is up due to the kids, Im back in work, and have my works do tomoz, although Im not looking forward to it. In between xmas cards having sympathy cards as well from people who have heard. Noticed earlier on that the solicitor has contacted the bank and closed her bank account down. Only yesterday I was complaining to the la they had taken a direct debit out of mums account without going through the solicitor. Yes the world is moving on and around me, mum has gone and I miss her and I have to move slowly with it. Sending you all best wishes and happy memories of your loved one.

 

[lexy]

deleted

 

[lexy]

deleted

 

[molly11]

It's a very sad time of year for many people, it's thrown in our faces that we should be jolly & festive but how difficult that is sonetimes.
Im divorced & I've never met anyone since we split but I know I'm fortunate to have my children. The day would be a non-event without them. My mum is still with us & in good shape, but elderly. I try to enjoy every moment with her as I know how much mums mean & even more from reading this thread.
I hope I don't sound selfish for still being sad about my dad, it's just all so fresh still.
I'll post before Christmas but I wish you all on this thread much strength x x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I won't ask how you are feeling because I have a reasonably good idea. I hope your first Christmas without your mum will not be too sad for you. I try to think of all the happy times I had with my mum when she was alive.

Yes, I do have a garden but my cat usually sits in the kitchen window and looks at it but does not really want to venture out even though the window is open.

I have seen the only film I wanted to see, "Its a Wonderful Life" with James Stewart and Donna Reed, I used to always watch it with my mum if it was on at Christmas time.

I had to go and get some shopping at weekend, the crowds were getting on my nerves and I thought to myself to use that well known Star Trek phrase "beam me up Scottie" I just wanted to get away from it all.

I hope you will manage to eat something and generally will be looking after yourself over Christmas. I have plenty of food but none of it is going to take much effort to cook, thankfully!

Could you leave the door to the tunnel open please as I might need it.

Take care


Lexy

 

[elizabet]

Christmas day coming to an end

Well hope you have all been coping with the first Christmas day without your loved ones.
AS for myself had a weepy moment at the Church crib service (which I was helping at) during candlelit singing of Silent night - was transported back to just before last Christmas when I was singing that carol with my Mum in her care home when the Sally army musicians were playing.
Been busy in the kitchen today as have had father in law aged 90 with us for Christmas . Again it felt very odd not opening a gift from my Mum( she would give me some money to buy presents for my husband and son and myself and I would buy them of late .
Today I drank a toast to my Mum -she lives on in me- and I am thankful for her life and example.
Wishing you all peace in 2015.
best wishes,
Elizabeth.

 

[Dustycat]

It's been a strange day for me. First one without my lovely Mum but managed to have Dad here for the day. We've jollied along but it has felt like a big part of me is missing. A helping hand with the lunch. A quick hug. But most of all her laughter. Things just weren't the same. Hope everyone has had a good day. Xx

 

[Carabosse]

Yesterday was not a good day, just wanting my mum to be with me, the day seemed to be a long one as well, I couldn't watch some programmes as it reminded me too much of the fact mum wasn't here (The Snowman), we would always make a point of watching that, so been trying to find other things to watch! It would have been better if the ground had opened up and swallowed me, at least it is over for this year.


The cat has been sitting on a cushion on my lap for most of the past two days, even if I get up to go to the bathroom she will go and have something to eat and as soon as I sit down she is back wanting on the cushion, so she is happy. I bought her a mouse attached to an elasticated string you put on your finger and when you pull the mouse along the floor it squeaks, she loves that.

I haven't been eating too much lately, just don't feel hungry, could be down to the medication I'm taking but if it keeps up i'll mention it to my Dr next time I see him.

The door to the tunnel is open, its a bit lonely in here.

 

[elizabet]

Carabosse, you got through yesterday so however gloomy you feel in your tunnel congratulate yourself for coping on Christmas day. I am so glad the cat has stayed with you and especially was there yesterday .
Now that we are passed the 21st Dec the evenings grow lighter by almost 2minutes a day -the New Year is coming -a time for new plans for your gardening projects-does your area have a local gardening club you could join -the next village to me does-they have speakers and exchange gardening tips/seeds/stories etc could be something to aim for going to for in the new year.
Monday will be the actual first anniversary of my Mum's death. I have been thinking a lot about her these last few days but am keeping busy.

 

[Carabosse]

Yes I survived the day, thanks to the cat and TV! It seems now that every time I sit down the cat is on the arm of the chair waiting for me to put the cushion on my lap so she can get comfy, so can't really do much if she is around.

The nights don't seem to be getting any lighter here, neither do the mornings. I forgot to set my alarm the other day, it was still dark and when I looked at the clock it was after 11.00am!

I have been thinking of what to put where in the garden next year, but will need to make a plan as once I decide I don't want to change it. I have just finished storing the carrots in damp soil, never stored them before so hopefully they will be ok, need to blanch and freeze the rest! I think there is a gardening club but its more for those with allotments than ordinary gardeners, think for the moment i'll just keep going on my own.

I hope Monday passes ok for you elizabet, but I know what you mean about thinking of your mum and trying to keep busy, if you are like me sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

[wornoutbattling]

Hello,

I've just started looking at this part of the forum, I've moved over from end of life care, my wonderful Mum passed away 6 weeks ago.

Just want to say, Molly11, I so know what you mean when you said you expect your Dad to "pop up" and surprise you - that's just how I've been feeling about Mum, and I'm relieved to know I'm not alone.

Hope this post doesn't come across as me poaching on someone else's thread - will start one of my own when I can get my thoughts together .....

Best wishes to all
xx