Still lost!

[Carabosse]

All my memories of my mum are happy ones, its just when she became ill and we would have some arguments also I said some things that I shouldn't have although I did apologise, I can't help thinking of those situations and hope mum doesn't hold it against me. I do try and think of happier times, but the negative thoughts creep in.

The dreams I am having are occurring every night and always have mum and dad in them or just mum, sometimes they are good dreams other times they are nightmares.

I wanted my mum to live forever, I know that would never happen but with everything she had been through it was possible she would go on for a while, yes she is free of the Alzheimer's and that is a good thing but I didn't want to be on my own without her, that may sound selfish on my part but if it were the other way round mum would feel the same as she often told me she didn't know what she would do without me.

It is good to have someone listen to me talk about mum but that will be coming to an end soon, then I will probably be back to square one, time will tell.

The cat was in the other night sitting on a cushion on my lap, falling asleep whilst I was stroking her. She was making some little noises which I took to mean she was dreaming, otherwise she was just purring. Needless to say my black cardigan was covered in cat hair!

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

Try not to beat yourself up over arguments and things that you said, I had many "spats" and "tiffs" with my mum. When my mum started behaving out of character and doing and saying things that she would not normally have done or said I used to get frustrated and annoyed, I did not realise at the time that her behaviour was the onset of dementia. Your mum loved you and would not hold it against you anymore than mine would.

Do you think that the medication you are taking may be causing some of the dreams you are having, I know pills can have some strange side effects. Is the medication helping with your depression?

I know what you mean when you say you don't want to be on your own without her, I don't want to be without my mum, but I am and I really don't like it. I sometimes wish I could have died with her, peacefully and together.

I am glad the cat is keeping you company, are you getting fond of her?

I am glad the counselling is helping you, I thought you could have counselling for as long as you needed, if you feel you still need to go on seeing a counsellor could Cruse not extend your counselling for a little longer?

Hope you are looking after yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

That is what the counsellor said, i.e. that my mum would probably forgive me for the arguments etc that we had, like you said I wasn't angry or annoyed with mum or anything like that more with the Alzheimer's than anything else.

No the medication doesn't seem to be helping as I don't feel any different, as for the dreams (which are still occurring) I will look into the fact it might be the medication causing them, then again it could be my sub conscious working overtime at night?

My thoughts exactly, being on your own when you have been used to company isn't good. I doubt I will find someone to share my life unless its an animal, but passing with mum has crossed my mind many times (and it still does).

Yes I am fond of the cat, I bought some cat litter (need to find a tray) so she can stay in during the night especially with the cold weather approaching.

I think the counselling can be extended once the usual number sessions have been reached, but think need permission to do that, not exactly sure but I'm sure they will let me know.

I am trying to look after myself, some days are better than others as you will know.

 

[molly11]

Hi Carabosse & all,

Thought I'd stop by & say hello & that I'm reading & thinking of you all. What a terrible way to meet people on this long lonely path of grief.
My dr upped my Sertraline to 100mg on Friday & told me to pop the propananol up to 3 times a day when I feel anxious. I didn't tell her that I hate taking meds, that my OCD is so bad that I can't take meds. I worry I've had them & if I feel like that I won't take them incase I OD!
Do you mind my asking what meds you're on Carabosse? I'm sure you've said but my brain is so full!

I live on benefits (to my total shame) & they are pressuring me to go to work. There is absolutely no way i could work, even before my dad died, my anxieties are debilitating.
So I've started a college course which I enjoy but also dread at the same time. When you live in a bubble & feel safe in that bubble, it's so hard to be pressured out of it.
I hope you know where I was going with that, Carabosse. I really feel for you.
Lots of love & strength your way.

Molly x x



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[Carabosse]

Hi molly11, just on Sertraline for the depression but have co codamol for painkillers, also got drugs for migraines and hay fever, at times its a case of shake me I rattle

I know what you mean about the bubble and how safe you feel in it, I am the same as long as I'm in it I'm fine going out of it can be nerve wracking at times.

Can your Dr not step in with a letter to the benefits people on your behalf? What is the college course you are doing?

 

[molly11]

I told the Jobcentre about my mh issues & gave them a printout of my medical history as my issues go back quite a few years.
Childcare course & I do want to continue with it, if I don't, I know I'll regret it. Its just scary leaving my bubble too sometimes.Just finished an assignment now, that's why I'm still up. Its a fight for the iPad in this house!
X


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[Carabosse]

You would think the job centre would take notice of your medical conditions, but then they are a law into themselves!

Sounds an interesting course, not sure I could do it. Just keep telling yourself you can do it and before you know it, it will be over and you have a pass, but understand completely about leaving the safety of your bubble.
Might be an idea to get a laptop or something so you won't have a problem with who has the Ipad.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

Just wondering how you are feeling and have you managed to get some more counselling from Cruse?

It is good of you to get cat litter and tray for the cat, is she normally out all night? It is getting colder so hopefully she will stay indoors with you.

I have been feeling very tired, I think it is probably due to moving and all the work I have done and it has all caught up with me and when the clocks go back and the days will be getting shorter and darker I always feel I want to go into hibernation!

My cat is beginning to realise that there will not be a lot of workmen coming in and out anymore and she is not hiding in the box so much. She is quite lively at night and obviously thinks night time is play time, well maybe for her, but not for me! She has a laser light toy which she will play with for a while but soon begins to realise that there is no point in chasing a silly dot that she is not going to catch.

I hope your depression is not so bad and that eventually the medication may help a little. I don't get too depressed I just have a dreadful feeling of sadness which does not seem to go away and still have a lost feeling, I know it is better for me to try and keep busy and have contact with other people. It is an effort but feel I must make it.

Hope you are perhaps going out a bit more and how is your mum's friend?

Look after yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I don't feel any different, yes I'm still having counselling.

I have no idea whether the cat is out at night or not, I think she might be as some nights/ early morning when I was waiting for an ambulance for mum the cat would be on the window meowing. So far she hasn't stayed in all night, she has come up to my bedroom with me and then starts to clean herself, she can be a bit noisy so I put her out she even growled at me last night as I was putting her out, its very windy tonight so we shall see how it goes.

It would be nice if we could hibernate, even if only for a short time. I think you are right in that all the upheaval of moving and getting your new place sorted has caught up with you.
Glad your cat is settling, cats are normally more active at night I think, I hope my one settles at night or else she won't be staying in. I would leave her downstairs but not sure if she would settle there or wander and climb on things?

As I mentioned above I don't feel any different, I am not sure if the medication is working or not as I don't know how I am supposed to feel? I know what you mean about having a dreadful sadness and loss, I try and keep busy but its not easy especially at night when there is too much time to think.

No not going out much as weather hasn't been too good, as for mums friend she is almost back to her normal self which is good.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I am feeling "flat" I think it is probably due to the shorter days and less light, it always seems to affect me, does this happen to you at this time of the year aswell as your depression.

How is the counselling going, do you think it is helping you, being able to talk to someone about your feelings can be very beneficial. I see all the Xmas stuff in the shops, a time of year I used to love, but not anymore. I miss choosing a card for my mum and buying her a present and having lunch with her on Xmas day. This will be your first Xmas without your mum won't it, so it will be hard for you. I can't remember my first Xmas without my mum, I think I tried to sleep for about four days!

I know what you mean about having time to think at night, I try hard to keep busy and occupied because when I have nothing much to do I feel I could fall back into the deep hole, you'll know the one I mean, and I really don't want to go there again.

I'm glad you have the company of the cat even if she does growl at you sometimes! Has she stayed in at night yet?

Take care


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

I'm feeling like that just now, its like all the energy I had has gone I don't feel like doing anything even if I say the day before I will try and do x, y or z tomorrow, it is probably the shorter days as my Dr says its not a good time of year for those who have depression.

As I have said I don't know if the counselling is working or not, I don't feel any different. It is good to talk to someone about how I am feeling but I still have the feelings once I leave counselling if you know what I mean?
Last night was Halloween, we used to have lights in the window and a scary flashing pumpkin and put sweets in pumpkin designed bags for the kids, this year I didn't bother. I am wondering whether I should put the Christmas tree up or not this year as I don't feel like celebrating, it will be my first Christmas without mum. I will miss buying things for her and her saying that I shouldn't waste my money on her, I would always say well who else can I spend it on?

I have had my medication changed but I have to wait before I take it to let the effects of the other one wear off, think it was changed to see if it would help more at night. I am still having the real dreams every night, and I am having a 'normal' conversation with both mum and dad which I don't really want to lose. Yes I know what you mean about the dark hole, I'm still there!

The cat hasn't been in all night yet as she hasn't settled, but I will keep trying. She is asleep on mums chair right now, she had been on the sofa for a few days but changed her mind again.

 

[nita]

I'm very sorry about how you are feeling, Carabosse, I've followed your posts. Would it help to get your own pet perhaps from a rescue centre?

 

[Carabosse]

I am thinking of getting my own pet at some point, I mentioned it to someone who said 'why bother getting a pet when you already have a cat', i.e. the one who has adopted me, for now I will leave it at that.

 

[MirandaT]

Do put your Christmas tree up, it might bring back some happy memories and the lights will be pretty to look at. I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. I've only just lost my mum and am feeling very low. Mostly have lots to do to take my mind off it but it was hard to get out of bed this morning.

 

[Carabosse]

Sorry to hear you lost your mum MirandaT, I know what you mean about getting out of bed the past few days I haven't really wanted to get up, the bed to me is a safe place and sort of comfortable if I don't move or else my back starts, but I just lay there snuggled in the duvet until about 10.30 or 11.00am, that's not like me I'm usually up earlier.

I might put the tree up depends how I feel nearer the time, mum and I would decorate the tree together it was like a tradition, the same as watching 'The Snowman' every year, and the 'New Years Day Concert from Vienna' which I missed this year.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I am in the library today using their computer, I forgot to top up my dongle! I think, like you maybe, at this time of the year I suffer from that well known "illness" called apathy. I used to love the run up to Xmas and look forward to it just like I did when I was a child, but sadly, not anymore. I know what you mean when you say you don't feel like celebrating, the one person we want to celebrate with, our mum's are not here. I had so many happy times at Xmas when I was a child and some lovely memories and so am grateful for that. My brother and I used to leave Santa Claus some sandwiches, a bottle of Guiness and a list of toys we wanted, and I spent ages looking up the chimney and out of the window watching out for his sleigh and the reindeer, I was very young and still believed in him.

I hope the different medication you have started will be better for you, if the dreams stop you'll know it was perhaps the other medication that was causing them.

Glad the cat is still visiting, some cats are quite happy to have more than one home, and see different people and have variety of food, one of my mum's cats was this type of cat and everybody in the road knew her, she was much loved and well fed but still went "visiting".

I have'nt mentioned it for a while but are you still having self harming episodes? I hope not. You don't have to say anything about it if you don't want to.

Look after yourself.

 

[lexy]

deleted

 

[Carabosse]

Yep, think that about sums it up 'apathy'. I think the fact my other problems are getting to me as well as the depression, as at the moment I am in constant pain but hopefully next week I will have a solution (fingers crossed) for that.
In our house the tree would go up on my birthday which is a tad early but who cares and it is a tradition that we have stuck to like glue, it was also the case that if it snowed on my birthday it would snow on Christmas which it does. I never left anything for Santa and his reindeers and even though we all know Santa isn't real, I am like a child at that time of year, its like that film 'Miracle on 34th Street' where they all say 'I believe' I do, everything is so cold and magical its like a scene from my favourite ballet 'The Nutcracker' (Sir Anthony Dowell's version). But yes the one person I want to help me celebrate is mum, would like dad as well but mum particularly.

I have started the new medication but stopped it again as I need to take something else for my neck and the two can't be taken together so once I see the physio i'll start them again, but I have still been having the dreams, last night I had a dream I have had before everything was the same as the first time I had it, strange?

The cat hasn't been in for a while due to the weather, but she doesn't seem to want to sit on her usual chair, no idea what is wrong with her?

As for the answer to the self harming that would be a yes and no, I am still doing it but not all the time.

Today is 9 months since mum passed, again it feels like only yesterday and I can still see her in the hospital. Time seems to be flying past but isn't helping the situation any.

 

[nita]

This might be completely the wrong suggestion, Carabosse, but have you thought about volunteering, say in a shop, or something else you have an interest in? I did it when I suffered from depression - I did it through the depression, made myself do it and it did mean a change of scene and being with other people. It wasn't the entire solution until I got on the right medication but it might help you.

I see on TP that someone is volunteering in a school, listening to children read. It helps them with their literacy skills. Would something like that appeal to you?

With Christmas coming up, there may be different opportunities. Our local library runs a stall selling charity Christmas cards.

I feel you need someone to help you. Could the doctor arrange for you to have someone to support you through this? When I was going through a bad period with my Mum, the doctor said he would see if he could arrange some support. It didn't materialise but then things got better anyway. Wish I could help.

 

[molly11]

Hi Carabosse,
I totally empathise with how you feel about Christmas- its sposed to be such a time of "joy" & "celebrating" How cruel when that time has been changed, forever.
We don't much feel like celebrating this year, looked into going out for Christmas dinner, but it's so expensive- the decent places are £50 per head for adults which, to me is ridiculous. Can't afford it anyway!
Guess I'll be cooking Christmas dinner anyway for the fam- there's no partner here to help & more importantly, no Dad.
Dad was here last year, he had been sectioned for a 2nd time at that point, removed from one care home to another, due to his aggression from the Alzheimers.
His consultant changed his meds in oct 2013 & said that we should be prepared "to say goodbye to him within a year"
I rang so many ppl to get my dad out for Christmas at home last yr & I'm so glad I did as he died 6 months later. We got 5 hours with him & when he went back (at that point, so bad, he had to be escorted by 3 adults- family members), I was hysterical. I just knew it would be his last Christmas with us.
Knowing my dad like I do (I hate saying did) I know he would be saddened to know how much we are dreading Christmas this year. I try to tell myself that, but when I'm feeling really down, it's hard to convince myself,
I'm not trying to say how you feel, Carabosse, I'm really not. Your grief is personal & unique to you. Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. But if your mum & you celebrated Christmas, I'd say, give it a go, if you possibly can. I'll be putting a tree up & my heart won't be in it, but maybe, just maybe, one night those twinkling lights will make me smile.
Much love to youxxx


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