My partner forgets people whe knew died and has to grieve again

[nae sporran]

About a month ago we were talking about my partner's cousins whom she has not seen much of in recent years. She asked about one in particular whom she was fond of an d who she knew was ill, I rather insensitively reminded her that her cousin died in March. Krinkle was devastated and confused. She had totally forgotten and wondered why I had not told her. Then the other day we were listening to her favourite pianist, Oscar Petersen and she started asking if he was still playing, he died about 7 years ago and this silly blighter waded in insensitively again.
Should I just lie next time, of course if it is a cousin that could rebound.
My wee buddy Krinkle, OH or Partner sounds so formal, has Vascular Dementia but fairly manageable memory problems most of the time until something like this happens and I am shocked back to reality.

 

[Chuggalug]

I've had similar with my hubby in the past. It ain't easy, is it, knowing how to approach these things. Love to you.

 

[Witzend]

If her short term memory is already pretty bad then personally I would stick to the 'love lies' route. IMO there isn't much point in upsetting someone when they are only going to forget and be upset all over again

But it does give you such a jolt when this sort of thing happens for the first time. When my FIL first started asking where his wife (dead 10 years) was, we explained very gently that she had died. But he was terribly upset and cried, only to forget and ask again later. So we started telling him she had just gone to the shops, or to see Auntie So and So, and he'd be quite happy. I used to worry terribly that he'd remember the fib and accuse us of lying to him, but he never did - his short term memory was so bad by then.

 

[Not so Rosy]

My Mum died unexpectedly whilst we were on route to her Nursing Home. On arrival it was all explained to my Dad and he decided he wanted to go into her room to say goodbye. Dad came out of Mums room after about 20 mins and said your Mum is a bit quiet today, I think maybe she is fed up. Then he asked to call into Sainsburys on the way home to get his fags, paper and a bottle of wine and just carried on as normal.

On the day of Mums funeral he forgot where and why we were going and just thought it was a family sing a long with a nice meal afterwards.

Three years later it's as if Mum just disappeared into the ether, he has never got upset, never really talks about her but mistakes various women in the Care Homes he has been in as my Mum.

I am glad he has never grieved for her really.

 

[Jinx]

My husband constantly asks where his Mum and Dad are, they've been gone 40 and 37 years. Sometimes, if it gets too difficult to keep up the 'love lies', I gently explain that he's 82 and he can't really expect to still have his parents, mine are both gone too, and he does accept it for a while and then it all starts again. My OH has vascular dementia too.


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[marionq]

About a month ago we were talking about my partner's cousins whom she has not seen much of in recent years. She asked about one in particular whom she was fond of an d who she knew was ill, I rather insensitively reminded her that her cousin died in March. Krinkle was devastated and confused. She had totally forgotten and wondered why I had not told her. Then the other day we were listening to her favourite pianist, Oscar Petersen and she started asking if he was still playing, he died about 7 years ago and this silly blighter waded in insensitively again.
Should I just lie next time, of course if it is a cousin that could rebound.
My wee buddy Krinkle, OH or Partner sounds so formal, has Vascular Dementia but fairly manageable memory problems most of the time until something like this happens and I am shocked back to reality.

I've never really cracked this one either. My husband is one of seven brothers all now dead except him and he will occasionally talk about going to visit or contacting one or other of them. I can't see a way of avoiding saying that they are dead as they are obviously not around. He is always a bit shocked but moves on swiftly. The ability to be upset but within moments forget is one of the surprising aspects of dementia. He certainly doesn't get depressed.

 

[Ann Mac]

My Mum in law (lives with us) often asks for people long passed away. At first, she would ask constantly for her late husband (died nearly 20 years ago). For us, it was really difficult, as she still had some insight meaning she could 'remember' at any moment that he had died, so if we had used 'love lies' this would add to her upset - why had we 'lied' to her? In the end we would gently ask her to 'have a think about it - what happened to T**?' - and invariably she would remember herself. This would bring tears, but she was never as upset with that approach, as she would be if she caught us 'fibbing'.

As the illness has progressed, this has changed - its her parents, particularly her Mother, she asks for now, or her brothers (2 of whom have also died) - its rare she mentions her late husband. The insight is still occasionally there, so we ask her to think about how old she is (73) and she generally 'remembers' herself that they have passed away - however, these days, its less and less likely we will get tears over them passing - she is more likely to simply say 'Oh -thats a shame - can I have a cup of tea?', almost like its shrugged off.

I'd try love lies, because although they don't always work - they didn't with my Mil for a long time - when they do, they seem to be me to be the kindest option - keep them brief, and then distract. Or simply say 'Oh - I'm not sure - I'll find out later, if I can' - and distract.

Its sometimes hard to get your head round not telling those we love the truth, but I think most of us end up feeling that the priorities are to keep out LO's safe and content, and if love lies help us acheive that, then they are not such a bad thing.

Take care x

 

[nae sporran]

Thank you all for your stories and advice, sorry to hear others are having the same problem. Looks like there is no simple answer, but I like the idea of a few wee "love lies" some of the time.

 

[Witzend]

My Mum died unexpectedly whilst we were on route to her Nursing Home. On arrival it was all explained to my Dad and he decided he wanted to go into her room to say goodbye. Dad came out of Mums room after about 20 mins and said your Mum is a bit quiet today, I think maybe she is fed up. Then he asked to call into Sainsburys on the way home to get his fags, paper and a bottle of wine and just carried on as normal.

On the day of Mums funeral he forgot where and why we were going and just thought it was a family sing a long with a nice meal afterwards.

Three years later it's as if Mum just disappeared into the ether, he has never got upset, never really talks about her but mistakes various women in the Care Homes he has been in as my Mum.

I am glad he has never grieved for her really.

Must say that if there is ever one 'blessing' of dementia, it can be the loss of grief. My mother was devastated when my father died after over 45 years of marriage. For a long time she would keep one of the letters he had written her during the war under her pillow, and read it before she went to sleep. Yet long before her AD was nearly as bad as it is now, she appeared to have forgotten him almost completely. Now and then I would show her a photo of him - knowing it would not upset her - and either there was nothing, or else a very vague, 'Oh, yes - did he die?' But absolutely no distress at all.

 

[David0169]

In the early days I used to be insensitive and say that his mum and dad had died but all it did was upset my ex - I now say they have gone on holiday for a few days and he just says that's good they need to get away - sometimes its far easier to just tell a little white lie

 

[Canadian Joanne]

When my mother went through this stage, she would ask how her parents were. Since they had both been dead for about 35 years, I would answer "Oh, fine, the same as always". When she asked where they were, I would tell her the town they are buried in. When she would say she wanted to go see them, I would agree but say "Oh yes, but let's go day after tomorrow because I have appointments to go to". I recycled this so many times.

 

[Scarlett123]

I've always maintained there are Lies, White Lies and Alzheimer's Lies. If John ever asked about someone long dead, and once remarked he'd seen my Dad that week, whilst driving in Australia (we'd never been there, he hadn't driven for years and my Dad died in 1986), I adopted my Alzheimer's Lies approach.

I asked what the traffic was like in Australia, and then enquired as to how my Dad looked. Both of these questions were answered with "not too bad". John doesn't talk now, but I can't see the point in upsetting someone who has no grasp on reality.

He sits in his chair, with his eyes closed, and will sometimes mutter a few words, or just some mutters. Whatever he says, I go along with. When he used to say "is it Thursday?", I'd say "yes" whatever day it was. He was so pleased.

Margaret Thatcher visited our home, earlier this year, and John came into the bathroom, advised me she was in the hall, and that he couldn't talk as he had his pyjamas on. I went out, opened the door, apologised that we couldn't entertain her, and waved her off.

There was no point in explaining (a) she would never be visiting our bungalow or (b) that she was dead. He'd obviously dreamt it, then woken up, and the demarcation lines between dreams and reality are non-existent, so why upset him?

 

[nae sporran]

That is another thing I suspected, but was never sure about Scarlett. Sometimes I wonder if Krinkle is actually dreaming of her mum when she talks of her.

 

[Scarlett123]

That is another thing I suspected, but was never sure about Scarlett. Sometimes I wonder if Krinkle is actually dreaming of her mum when she talks of her.

No way of knowing for sure, but it stands to reason, bearing in mind our loved ones aren't living in reality, that perhaps they can't see the difference? I've done this some times, I'm sure we all have, dreamed something and for a few seconds, as I've woken up, thought it had really happened.

About 20 years ago, when I was teaching, I had the most X-rated dream, about myself and another member of staff. When I went into the staff room the next morning, I couldn't meet his eyes, for fear he'd had the same dream! He was not exactly Adonis, but - my goodness! - in Dreamland he was sure something!

 

[Witzend]

When my mother went through this stage, she would ask how her parents were. Since they had both been dead for about 35 years, I would answer "Oh, fine, the same as always". When she asked where they were, I would tell her the town they are buried in. When she would say she wanted to go see them, I would agree but say "Oh yes, but let's go day after tomorrow because I have appointments to go to". I recycled this so many times.

Similar here - my mother at over 90 went through a long phase of asking about her parents and thinking she ought to go and see them 'because they must be getting old and could do with some help', - bless her. I would just say, Yes, maybe we could go tomorrow, when the roads aren't so busy/icy' etc. It invariably satisfied her, short term memory being virtually non existent by then.