my mom close to death

[Elaineba]

My mom is in hospital. she has aspiration pneamonia. this has been caused because Alzheimer' s desease has affected her ability to swallow liquids and food causing it to enter her lungs. Tomorrow I am seeing her consultant. Last week he said tube feeding through her stomach was not an option because she would not survive the operation. She is 91 on Boxing day. The Doctors have not given up on her as they have tried to give her food through a tube in her nose. Unfortunately she has pulled it out twice. We were told by the speech language therapist that my Mom is not hungry or thirsty. Her brain is dying and even if she could eat, her body will not absorb the food as this vital part of her brain is also affected. I am dreading hearing the words, "There is nothing else we can do." The only thing to do is make her comfortable and stop feeding her.

I have read on the internet that she will not suffer as this is her body shutting down, and she does not want food or drink. Effectively we are not keeping her alive, we are stopping the dying process. My head says one thing and my heart another. How do they know that she will not suffer? It is a terrible decision to have to make.

 

[lin1]

Hello Elaineba
I do hope we can help you through this difficult time
Perhaps one of our moderators can move this to a new thread as you will get more support ,help and relplies that way.

Its an awful time for you ,

 

[florence43]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your mum are going through. I do hope you find the strength to face what each day may bring and although I can't (yet) offer advice on this last, emotional stage, I do wish you well.

I can only send love and support, and I do...in bucket loads.

Thinking of you,

 

[Grannie G]

Thank you Lin. As you see I have moved Elaine`s post to a new Thread.

How do they know that she will not suffer?

I`m sure if your mother was suffering Elaine, it would be noticeable. The one who will suffer is you. xx

 

[Sandy]

Hi Elaine,

Welcome to Talking Point (TP) but I'm sorry that it has to be under such difficult circumstances.

Reading your post carefully, it seems like you know what the right course of action is in your head, but getting your heart to accept it is difficult.

I know that there are many members on TP who have been through what you are going through and they will be able to give their advice about getting through it and then dealing with all the other issues of the heart that will follow.

If it helps in any way, all of the medical advice that you have been given seems to be entirely consistent with the Alzheimer's Society's position on palliative care:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=428

I hope TP can be of some support to you now and in the days that follow.

Take care,

 

[milly123]

elaine thinking of you and your mum milly

 

[nicoise]

For your mum and your family

Hello Elaine,

Thinking of you and your mum - and sending you love x

 

[BeckyJan]

I am so sorry to hear this Elaine. It affects me because my husband is also at risk of aspiration due to swallowing difficulties.

I am certain you are already doing it - that is expressing your love, hand holding and making your Mother know just how much you care. My thoughts are with you and I hope TPers can give you some comfort too.

 

[scarletpauline]

I am sorry to hear this, my own mum died of aspiration pneumonia, she seemed aware that we were there but didn't appear to suffer, I hope someone can help you, love Pauline xxx

 

[piedwarbler]

Hi Elaine, I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in. I only know my own mum has expressed a wish not to be tube fed, but I dread the day I'll face it.
Hoping you know how much I sympathise

Love Pied xx

 

[hongkongsandy]

I have not had to face this situation but my heart goes out to you.

I have read that people do not suffer through this kind of death. I guess you need to ask yourself who will tube feeding make feel better? You or Mum? (probably honestly its neither).

It must be impossibly hard for you to reconcile the feelings of the head and heart. I hope when mums time comes i will be able to make peace and let go.

 

[maryw]

I am so sorry to hear of your Mum's illness. My Mum died of broncho-pneumonia nearly 2 years ago. Of course you hope that the IV lines help, but there is nothing you can do to control the outcome. My emotional way of coping at that time was simply to let go and trust that whatever happened was part of some big plan, incomprehensible to me.

In hindsight my Mum's body had been physically shutting down for some time. The day before she died she did have some pain and she had some wild hallucinations. They injected pain relief, presumably morphine, which sent her into a deep sleep from which she never woke up, a peaceful end.

The days before I spent as much time as possible with my Mum, stroked her hand , told her about good things at home, how there was nothing to worry about, thanked her for everything, reassured her, told her I loved her. Whilst she lay there unresponsive most of the time, there was one never-to-be-forgotten occasion when she made the most supreme effort of giving me a nod. Hearing is the last sense to go.

Thinking of you and your Mum and praying you find courage to deal with this difficult time. Xx

 

[Skye]

My head says one thing and my heart another. How do they know that she will not suffer? It is a terrible decision to have to make.

Hello Elaine, welcome to TP.

I understand your situation, and how hard it is for you. My husband died of aspiration pneumonia in July. In our case, the consultant made the decision to withdraw treatment, but I'm sure if I had insisted he would have continued. I didn't. John had had no quality of life for a long time, and I felt this last struggle was the last straw for him.

Of course you must make your own decision, and everyone here will back you whatever you decide. But I think you already know?

John also was given morphine to ease his pain, and slipped away peacefully.

The days before I spent as much time as possible with my Mum, stroked her hand , told her about good things at home, how there was nothing to worry about, thanked her for everything, reassured her, told her I loved her.

Elaine, I can tell how much you love your mum, and have cared for her. What Mary says is the greatest gift you can give her now, give her permission to go, and tell her she is loved.

Thinking of you,

 

[Norrms]

Hiya

Hiya elaine, thinking about you and your family at this time, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[sad nell]

Elaine hope mum is comfortable and you are given the strengh you need to cope at this difficult time.Love Pam

 

[larivy]

thinking of you and your mum Elaine love larivy

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Elaine,

Thinking of you and your Mum and may you be granted the strength to get you through the coming days.

Love from
Christine

 

[SheilaL]

Thinking of you, Elaine and your dear mum xx

 

[noelphobic]

I have read on the internet that she will not suffer as this is her body shutting down, and she does not want food or drink. Effectively we are not keeping her alive, we are stopping the dying process. My head says one thing and my heart another. How do they know that she will not suffer? It is a terrible decision to have to make.

I have been through this with my mum quite recently. She didn't eat or drink for 10 days before she died. She was very peaceful for most of the time. The GP did visit her nursing home to give her a diamorphine injection once and on one subsequent occasion the nursing home staff gave her an injection of a tranquilliser or sedative (can't remember the name, sorry). Other than that there was no intervention other than keeping her clean and mouth care.

The end was extremely peaceful, to the point that there was no discernible difference between her last breath and the ones before that and we weren't sure at first that she had actually died.

This is a very difficult time but I take comfort from the fact that my mum did not appear to be in any real distress and she did go peacefully in the end.

I hope this helps you in some small way.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Elaine, I hope the meeting with the consultant went OK today. I hope that your mother is comfortable and that if,as appears to be the case, she is nearing the end of the road, that you are able to spend as much time as you can with her, comforting her in any way you can.

I will add that from the date when my own mother was unsuccessfully given a naso gastric tube (she pulled it out) until her final breath was a period of about three years. She was not suffering from aspiration pneumonia, however at that time, so I wouldn't want you to gain false hope.

Please keep posting on TP to let us all help you, if we can , through this very difficult time. Everyone who comes to TP can identify with your torment. Please take care of yourself, and come back soon to let us know how things are going for you and your mother and family.
Kind regards Deborah