Greetings, I’m a newbie to this But I’ve been the sole carer for my Mother, who lived with me, for many years. She has now gone into a care home. Strangely enough whilst I’m relieved, the house is so quiet and empty and despite it being a hard last few years I really do miss her especially in the evenings when we would have something to eat and then and have the tv on.
Say hello and introduce yourself
- Thread starter HarrietD
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Welcome @Sheila McL .
This is a very friendly and supportive place and there is always someone around to 'chat' to so I’m glad you’ve found us.
This is a very friendly and supportive place and there is always someone around to 'chat' to so I’m glad you’ve found us.
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Hello everyone,
As with all that are on here, each of us has own story to tell.
Mine, that will match with many others tells of the seemingly hereditary nature of this metabolic dysfunction.
My grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's early in her 70's which was 20 years ago now.
She passed away around 5 years ago, a mere shadow of who she was.
Now as my mother reaches the same age those symptoms come about in her behaviour, thick and fast.
She lives alone, unfortunately, which, as I understand perpetuates the condition further so her decline seems rapid - can't sit still, pacing, unable to spark conversation, lack of personal hygiene, on occasion moments of physical violence.
The difficult part is being in another country, I moved away as our family relationship was always of a toxic nature, yet seeing someone so in need of help brings me to write this message. I do have a sibling, yet she has 2 disabled kids to care for...
I am at a bit of an impasse as my mother is not the kind of person to accept help. I think she does know she isn't well, but when I've asked her to consult a doctor she takes no action.
On Sunday night she was admitted to hospital having been found unconscious, half in the road by a bus driver. She was kept in overnight, but discharged the following day and referred to the memory clinc (I'd like to know the procedure here, if anyone knows?) She will do all she can to not accept the position she is in having seen her own mother go through the same tragic process. Understandable, but she's not helping herself at all.
I've spent most of this year reading about possible causes of this, what can be done to prevent it in the hope I can better equip myself for the future. Yet, the biggest gap is how I deal with it now, while my mother goes through this, and remotely.
If anyone has any support/advice in how I can try to at least feel like things can move forward, my biggest concern is how she will not accept the situation she is in.
With gratitude,
Davey
As with all that are on here, each of us has own story to tell.
Mine, that will match with many others tells of the seemingly hereditary nature of this metabolic dysfunction.
My grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's early in her 70's which was 20 years ago now.
She passed away around 5 years ago, a mere shadow of who she was.
Now as my mother reaches the same age those symptoms come about in her behaviour, thick and fast.
She lives alone, unfortunately, which, as I understand perpetuates the condition further so her decline seems rapid - can't sit still, pacing, unable to spark conversation, lack of personal hygiene, on occasion moments of physical violence.
The difficult part is being in another country, I moved away as our family relationship was always of a toxic nature, yet seeing someone so in need of help brings me to write this message. I do have a sibling, yet she has 2 disabled kids to care for...
I am at a bit of an impasse as my mother is not the kind of person to accept help. I think she does know she isn't well, but when I've asked her to consult a doctor she takes no action.
On Sunday night she was admitted to hospital having been found unconscious, half in the road by a bus driver. She was kept in overnight, but discharged the following day and referred to the memory clinc (I'd like to know the procedure here, if anyone knows?) She will do all she can to not accept the position she is in having seen her own mother go through the same tragic process. Understandable, but she's not helping herself at all.
I've spent most of this year reading about possible causes of this, what can be done to prevent it in the hope I can better equip myself for the future. Yet, the biggest gap is how I deal with it now, while my mother goes through this, and remotely.
If anyone has any support/advice in how I can try to at least feel like things can move forward, my biggest concern is how she will not accept the situation she is in.
With gratitude,
Davey
HI,
Mum, 96, currently in a lovely Care Home with...among other things...dementia. Last month she fell and broke her hip. She's now bed-bound. Dad visits every day, but she's so abusive to him. Also abusive to the carers.
I visit when I can, but apparently she thinks I'm her mother. I guess that's why I escape the abuse!
The most scary thing...I can see my future 😳
Mum, 96, currently in a lovely Care Home with...among other things...dementia. Last month she fell and broke her hip. She's now bed-bound. Dad visits every day, but she's so abusive to him. Also abusive to the carers.
I visit when I can, but apparently she thinks I'm her mother. I guess that's why I escape the abuse!
The most scary thing...I can see my future 😳
Good day all. I am a new subscriber from the U.S. I’m glad I found this forum and look forward to being a part of it. My husband has dementia, not labeled as Alzheimer’s just yet. He also has Parkinson’s (newly diagnosed/ early stage) and there can be dementia associated with that. Anyway, he is 84 - mobile with walker, I help with showering, meals, meds, daily organization and activities. At this point my biggest concern is that he’s become very quiet and speaks little. Then I do what I know we shouldn’t do: personalize it. I often feel ignored, overlooked, uncared for, unimportant, under valued, neglected - - you name it. Sometimes I’ll also feel like I’ve done something wrong. I realize all these feelings probably say more about me than him. And I will rationally tell myself he has a disease, it’s not personally about me , etc. Still, it is a constant nagging state of being. Any coping suggestions will be welcomed.
Welcome @sussex teacher
It`s hard to take the verbal abuse no matter how much we know it`s the dementia and you pre dementia mother would be mortified to know she is causing so much upset.
Can you persuade your dad to cut his visits to alternate days? The staff will take a professional view of this and be able to walk away but it is too personal for your dad and as he is probably a similar age to your mum and it`s too hard for him to take.
It`s hard to take the verbal abuse no matter how much we know it`s the dementia and you pre dementia mother would be mortified to know she is causing so much upset.
Can you persuade your dad to cut his visits to alternate days? The staff will take a professional view of this and be able to walk away but it is too personal for your dad and as he is probably a similar age to your mum and it`s too hard for him to take.
Hello @MogieC and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum.
I am sorry to read about your husband's diagnosis. It's tough for sure when you are caring for a loved one - there's no getting round that.
Members here really do want to help, and you will always find understanding and sound advice if you need it. Perhaps you might like to start a new thread in the following section of the forum telling us a bit more about your particular situation. In that way, members can more readily reply with helpful suggestions.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
I'm sure you will find this forum so helpful as I did when I became part of it.
I am sorry to read about your husband's diagnosis. It's tough for sure when you are caring for a loved one - there's no getting round that.
Members here really do want to help, and you will always find understanding and sound advice if you need it. Perhaps you might like to start a new thread in the following section of the forum telling us a bit more about your particular situation. In that way, members can more readily reply with helpful suggestions.
I have a partner with dementia
This forum is for people with a partner or spouse with dementia.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Hello,
So nice to find out you are out there! My mother-in-law has fairly advanced Alzheimer's disease. She mostly doesn't remember who any of us, her family, are, but she is mostly positive and affectionate...except when anyone tries to help her to change clothes or to bathe. (She won't even take off her shoes when getting into bed.) She becomes very, very angry and aggressive. She plants her feet firmly on the ground, and will not lift a foot. She does the same with her tops, holding her hands down and resisting any attempts to change her. She will not shower or bathe at all. She is not clean... This includes the nursing staff that now comes in to help several times per week. Does anyone have experience with this? Would adaptive clothing, i.e., pants with full-length zippers on the sides, etc., make it less upsetting for her? Sometimes, when the moment is right, she will wash, or change her shirt and have a pleasant interaction with whoever is helping her, but it is not often enough and we fear for her health.
So nice to find out you are out there! My mother-in-law has fairly advanced Alzheimer's disease. She mostly doesn't remember who any of us, her family, are, but she is mostly positive and affectionate...except when anyone tries to help her to change clothes or to bathe. (She won't even take off her shoes when getting into bed.) She becomes very, very angry and aggressive. She plants her feet firmly on the ground, and will not lift a foot. She does the same with her tops, holding her hands down and resisting any attempts to change her. She will not shower or bathe at all. She is not clean... This includes the nursing staff that now comes in to help several times per week. Does anyone have experience with this? Would adaptive clothing, i.e., pants with full-length zippers on the sides, etc., make it less upsetting for her? Sometimes, when the moment is right, she will wash, or change her shirt and have a pleasant interaction with whoever is helping her, but it is not often enough and we fear for her health.
Welcome @MaryF
Do you think your mother in law might be frightened she will have no clothes? Do you show her the clean clothes?
Perhaps taking her clothes off is making her feel more vulnerable. If she takes her shoes off where will she find shoes to put on when she needs them.
I’ve no idea. I’m just thinking off the top of my head but I’d try anything I can think of to help her feel there are replacement clothes to hand
Do you think your mother in law might be frightened she will have no clothes? Do you show her the clean clothes?
Perhaps taking her clothes off is making her feel more vulnerable. If she takes her shoes off where will she find shoes to put on when she needs them.
I’ve no idea. I’m just thinking off the top of my head but I’d try anything I can think of to help her feel there are replacement clothes to hand
Good morning everyone. My mother is 71 years old and has been diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer's and Dementia. She has gotten really bad the last few months. She does not sleep at night and when she is awake during the day she is constantly moving things around in the house. She won't sit still for more than a few minutes. She leaves doors, cabinets and appliances open and on without acknowledging them. l have installed cameras but watching her now seems to stress me out more as I watch her move around throughout the house. She has become more agitated with me when I try to correct her as well. Her doctor has recommended that I look for a Memory Care facility to place her in. Has anyone had any experience with them? Good or bad?
Welcome to the Dementia Support Forum @Roger T
You will get the best care for your mother if you are prepared to do your homework. Look at CQC reports on homes in your area and visit them. You can tell more from a personal visit than from any report.
When you visit a home, try not to be influenced by the trappings, furnishings etc. Sense the atmosphere, and observe other residents. Are they sitting alone in their rooms or are they in communal rooms?
My mother was in a large and beautiful purpose built home and my husband was in a small and quite shabby home and both received an excellent quality of care.
You will get the best care for your mother if you are prepared to do your homework. Look at CQC reports on homes in your area and visit them. You can tell more from a personal visit than from any report.
When you visit a home, try not to be influenced by the trappings, furnishings etc. Sense the atmosphere, and observe other residents. Are they sitting alone in their rooms or are they in communal rooms?
My mother was in a large and beautiful purpose built home and my husband was in a small and quite shabby home and both received an excellent quality of care.
Hello @Roger T and welcome from me also. From your mention of a Memory Care Facility I am assuming that you are based in the US, this is a UK based site so our terminology might be a bit different, for example we refer to Care Homes. @Grannie G has given you good advice on what to look for when considering a facility however I do not know if there is a US equivalent to CQC reports which assess the standards of care in each home.
You might find it useful to contact the Alzheimer's Association in the US for advice, I have attached a link for your information.
www.alz.org
You might find it useful to contact the Alzheimer's Association in the US for advice, I have attached a link for your information.
Home | Alzheimer's Association
Alzheimer's Association national site – information on Alzheimer's disease and dementia symptoms, diagnosis, stages, treatment, care and support resources.
Hi my name is Susan. My Mum has, as yet undiagnosed dementia, she has deteriorated this year following my dad going into hospital for six weeks and in that time my 2 siblings and myself took it in turns to stay with Mum and realised how bad things are, Dad had been hiding a lot! Dad is now home from the hospital, and we have Carers visiting twice daily for half an hour but Mum and Dad are turning them away saying they want their independence and don’t need anything doing, thank you! Dad often adds my family will do it. The main reason I’ve joined the forum is for advice. My Mum isn’t washing or showering and is often in the same clothes for weeks at a time, how do we encourage washing and dressing in clean clothes? Even if she does change the dirty clothes go back in the wardrobe instead of the wash basket! If we broach it she gets very upset saying I’m clean and I’ll wear this! Obviously the Carers would help with this if not being turned away. She would get changed if we said we were taking her out or for a walk but even that doesn’t work now she just says I’m not getting changed, I like this ( what she’s wearing, in the middle of winter a Sumer skirt and blouse and my dad’s socks, no coat!) it’s so very sad as in her right mind she would never be seen out as she is currently dressing and has in the past asked us if ever anything like this was to happen that we look after her and not let her go out as we may have seen others with similar problems out in the past!)
Hello @SusanD Welcome.
I wish I could provide a nice easy answer but sadly one of the symptoms in most people with dementia is to cling to their independence for as long as possible. The more you try to help /interfere, the more they will dig their heels in.
Your mum needs supervising when she changes her clothes to make sure she doesn`t put them back in the cupboard and your dad won`t have the strength to oversee this. The carers will be seen as intrusive.
If you can find a way to be present to oversee a bath and change of clothes and your mother won`t cooperate, I`m afraid you will have to accept the reality of your parent`s situation.
My mother once said "If ever I get like grandma I hope you will tell me."
When things did start to go wrong and I told her she was getting like grandma, she said " I`ll be happy to be like grandma when I`m her age."
This is what we have to learn to live with.
Do whatever you can at whatever time is right and whatever time you have. There might come a time when your parents will ask for help so don`t give up.
If you can sneak some clothes and put them in the washing machine, even if you have to take them home and wash them in your machine, you can do this.
If you can take a nice warm top out of the wardrobe and tell your mum it`s one of your favourites and she always looks lovely when wearing it, it might encourage her to change her clothes.
It`s tough.
This might help.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
I wish I could provide a nice easy answer but sadly one of the symptoms in most people with dementia is to cling to their independence for as long as possible. The more you try to help /interfere, the more they will dig their heels in.
Your mum needs supervising when she changes her clothes to make sure she doesn`t put them back in the cupboard and your dad won`t have the strength to oversee this. The carers will be seen as intrusive.
If you can find a way to be present to oversee a bath and change of clothes and your mother won`t cooperate, I`m afraid you will have to accept the reality of your parent`s situation.
My mother once said "If ever I get like grandma I hope you will tell me."
When things did start to go wrong and I told her she was getting like grandma, she said " I`ll be happy to be like grandma when I`m her age."
This is what we have to learn to live with.
Do whatever you can at whatever time is right and whatever time you have. There might come a time when your parents will ask for help so don`t give up.
If you can sneak some clothes and put them in the washing machine, even if you have to take them home and wash them in your machine, you can do this.
If you can take a nice warm top out of the wardrobe and tell your mum it`s one of your favourites and she always looks lovely when wearing it, it might encourage her to change her clothes.
It`s tough.
This might help.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Hi and welcome to the forum.
It’s great to see that you have already started your own thread -
Medication
Hi THere, My Mum is in a care home now due to her dementia getting worse. I just wanted to know if the medication they give has improved any ones relatives out there? Mum has become very aggressive and agitated.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Hi everyone
my darling wife aged 65 has got dementia, she is in hospital just now and I really feel I have lost my soul mate, I cry when I think what might have been, I miss my wife who was the most amazing person I know, I have had her out overnight a few times and it is ok during the day but at night omg, sorry for the rant but I really just want her back but know that isnt going to happen, the cruellest disease ever I think . I hate it. sorry for ranting, can I also ask if anyone’s partner has seen an improvement even for a few months with the medication available now
my darling wife aged 65 has got dementia, she is in hospital just now and I really feel I have lost my soul mate, I cry when I think what might have been, I miss my wife who was the most amazing person I know, I have had her out overnight a few times and it is ok during the day but at night omg, sorry for the rant but I really just want her back but know that isnt going to happen, the cruellest disease ever I think . I hate it. sorry for ranting, can I also ask if anyone’s partner has seen an improvement even for a few months with the medication available now
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