Filled with sadness after carehome move.

[Hayley jane]

Yesterday we moved my dad to a carehome after weeks of stress with my 89 yr old mum trying to cope with him . Even with the Carers coming in 4 times a day it was clear things were becoming unmanageable. He was constantly asking to go home , packing books and pictures in a bag . He ventured out 3 times and had to be rescued by me , unable to walk a few yards he somehow found the strength to get across the road and far enough away to a set of traffic lights on quite a busy road. Although I know the move had to happen I am wracked with guilt and can’t stop thinking how he will be feeling. The home said he managed to get himself dressed , packed his bag and was found in the corridor trying to go home , he had got out of the bed on the side where there isn’t an alarm mat! I Think he’s-giving them a run for their money and he can be quite challenging. I’m o worried he won’t calm down and the thought of him being in a constant turmoil is just awful. By the time we took him to the home he didn’t really know me , my brother or my mum . I thought that would make it easier but it hasn’t , I’m an emotional wreck. I keep thinking could we have tried harder to keep him home ? Should we think about full time care in the home ? Sadly I really don’t think that would be a good move and this situation is now our reality. maybe I’m just too emotionally exhausted to see clearly at the moment .
Sendung love and strength to all of you managing loved ones through this evil disease at this awful time.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Hayley jane.

Guilt is a common emotion when this stage comes but it's not justified as everyone has their limits and there often comes a time when the care of a professional team is required.

It can take a while for people to settle in their new home so give that time. If it's any consolation, many people thrive in full time care once they have settled in.

You are in the right place for understanding and support so please keep posting.

 

[Woo2]

Oh @Hayley jane , that must of been very hard for you to do , it’s sounds like absolutely the right thing to do . Your dad needs a professional team to care for him who have breaks and get to go home after , your mum too needs rest . What would your dad have wanted you to do if he could tell you ? You made the best decision for him , made out of love . Please be gentle on yourself , those feelings are perfectly normal . I’m sure he will settle soon enough , sending ? and strength .

 

[Grannie G]

Residential care takes some getting used to and accepting @Hayley jane even though you know there was really no alternative.

I hope your dad settles eventually. It might take a while. Till then you know your mum will benefit however upset she might be.

There`s no easy way of coming to terms with this massive change in all your lives but it will happen in time.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Hayley jane . It's an awfully difficult time for you. You have done the right thing for your Dad, even though it might not feel like it yet. The carers will be very experienced in helping new residents to settle, so he will be in good hands.

 

[canary]

Im sure you have done the right thing @Hayley jane

Once someone starts wandering at night looking for "home" it is almost impossible to stop. If he were at home you would not be able to prevent him from going outside even with a live-in carer. In the care home the carers will be able to manage the situation and (provided that he is in a secure unit) keep him safe. My mum continued trying to "go home" for several weeks when she first moved into her care home. The carers will have seen it all before. BTW, the "home" mum was looking for was not the bungalow where she had previously lived - it was her childhood home where she was expecting her parents and siblings (all long dead) to be waiting for her.

Please try not to feel guilty about the move. The general perception is that a care home equals failure, but it is not. A care home can be a very positive thing. My mum settled and became happy there and her old personality (though not her memory) returned. I became her daughter again. Your mums stress will go down and once this lockdown ends she will be able to reconnect with her husband.

xxx

 

[Mudgee Joy]

I Am a bit of an expert at Sundowning.
i think sundowning (the person wanting to go home -usually to a long past home) is super tiring to the carer. I have managed probably the last 18 months with My husband sundowning more evenings than not.
I have a myriad of solutions !! I have taken him for drives to home - and then pull in at our place !! “Oh here is our hone”!! - mostly It works but it’s a real pain at night!!
I have walked him out Front of the house , around the corner and back - ok , if it’s not cold, raining or dark!
I also suggest things like “oh I have booked a bed here - so let’s use that and go home tomorrow’ this is my main strategy - “let’s go home tomorrow!!”
but lately too I give him some melatonin- a herbal one only - at 5pm . it seems to make him sleepy and he accepts the bed offered more readily and So we “go home tomorrow”- without too much help-
But I am young enough to persevere (70) - but I sure hope we are not still doing this when I’m 80 !!
In the morning he never remembers the excursion!!
I have got better at it !! But that’s true of the whole problem - being better at it helps a lot because i can smile - reassure my husband and pass off whatever fib i need to tell to get a settled life !!
best wishes to you all xx

 

[Hayley jane]

Thank you to everyone once again for your lovely words. It really helps especially in moments where we are upset. I have read them all out to mum and she appreciates all your words of encouragement . Thank you so much

 

[Woo2]

Glad the messages have helped you a little .

 

[imthedaughter]

Thank you to everyone once again for your lovely words. It really helps especially in moments where we are upset. I have read them all out to mum and she appreciates all your words of encouragement . Thank you so much

I'm so sorry to hear this Hayley. My dad is also in a care home and is currently threatening to leave on a regular basis, although he's not asking to go 'home', he seems to think that the home is not home. He has no other home so there's not one! I thought of the care home as being for me rather than dad, if that helps reframe your thinking - it's for your mum and for you, so you know for your peace of mind that he's safe - the staff will work out how to cajole him into bed and redirect him when he tries to leave, and they are trained and paid, whereas we are not. He will settle, but it doesn't make the whole process easier for you.

 

[Hayley jane]

I'm so sorry to hear this Hayley. My dad is also in a care home and is currently threatening to leave on a regular basis, although he's not asking to go 'home', he seems to think that the home is not home. He has no other home so there's not one! I thought of the care home as being for me rather than dad, if that helps reframe your thinking - it's for your mum and for you, so you know for your peace of mind that he's safe - the staff will work out how to cajole him into bed and redirect him when he tries to leave, and they are trained and paid, whereas we are not. He will settle, but it doesn't make the whole process easier for you.

Oh @imthedaughter , thank you. I never thought about it this way and you are right , it’s not just for him it is for us as well. I think we will adjust in time and accept that they are far better equipped than we are x

 

[Jale]

For what it's worth I think you have done the best thing for your Dad and your Mum. We had carers going in 4 times a day but Mum would not accept them, getting her to eat/drink was a constant battle and we had numerous call outs of paramedics as she would fall trying to get out bed, UTI's and pressure sores were always a problem. The last admission to hospital resulted in her becoming totally immobile and she was already doubly incontinent. The social worker advised us that we would not be able to cope and that we should look at care homes. The care homes wouldn't take her and she was eventually moved to a nursing home. (We told her it was a special hospital).
Fast forward to nearly 2 years on - Mum is eating, drinking, only 1 UTI and pressure sore which the staff were onto so quickly they never took a hold. Mum is not always very nice to people (that is a polite way of saying she can be aggressive and downright rude) but she has settled in her own way. It wasn't until the pressure was taken off me that I realised how close I came to breaking - yes I would have loved to have looked after her, just like she did when her Mum was ill - but it would have come at a high cost to my health. The knowledge that Mum is now safe is priceless

I hope that in time you will see for yourself that moving your Dad was the right thing to do and that in time he will settle.

Take care and be kind to your self - the guilt monster will be around for some time (he still visits me at times), but try and shove him to the back of the cupboard. Sending hugs for you and your Mum x

 

[jaymor]

My husband went into an assessment unit before his actual nursing home. We visited every day and were guaranteed to see him looking through the small window in the entrance door. When we went in he stood there with his coat on on as many of his clothes he could hold under each arm. This went on and on for several weeks. It was heartbreaking.

Then one day we arrive and he is not peering through the window and he was not in the corridor either. I grabbed the first Carer and he said pop down to the small sitting room. There was my husband, no coat, no clothes any where to be seen and he was sitting there eating cake and drinking tea and talking away to a Carer.

He had apparently had his shower, chose what he wanted to wear and went off to breakfast minus coat and baggage and he had also co-operated all day and they were now starting his assessment as to his needs for future care.

 

[Hayley jane]

For what it's worth I think you have done the best thing for your Dad and your Mum. We had carers going in 4 times a day but Mum would not accept them, getting her to eat/drink was a constant battle and we had numerous call outs of paramedics as she would fall trying to get out bed, UTI's and pressure sores were always a problem. The last admission to hospital resulted in her becoming totally immobile and she was already doubly incontinent. The social worker advised us that we would not be able to cope and that we should look at care homes. The care homes wouldn't take her and she was eventually moved to a nursing home. (We told her it was a special hospital).
Fast forward to nearly 2 years on - Mum is eating, drinking, only 1 UTI and pressure sore which the staff were onto so quickly they never took a hold. Mum is not always very nice to people (that is a polite way of saying she can be aggressive and downright rude) but she has settled in her own way. It wasn't until the pressure was taken off me that I realised how close I came to breaking - yes I would have loved to have looked after her, just like she did when her Mum was ill - but it would have come at a high cost to my health. The knowledge that Mum is now safe is priceless

I hope that in time you will see for yourself that moving your Dad was the right thing to do and that in time he will settle.

Take care and be kind to your self - the guilt monster will be around for some time (he still visits me at times), but try and shove him to the back of the cupboard. Sending hugs for you and your Mum x

Thank you x

 

[Hayley jane]

My husband went into an assessment unit before his actual nursing home. We visited every day and were guaranteed to see him looking through the small window in the entrance door. When we went in he stood there with his coat on on as many of his clothes he could hold under each arm. This went on and on for several weeks. It was heartbreaking.

Then one day we arrive and he is not peering through the window and he was not in the corridor either. I grabbed the first Carer and he said pop down to the small sitting room. There was my husband, no coat, no clothes any where to be seen and he was sitting there eating cake and drinking tea and talking away to a Carer.

He had apparently had his shower, chose what he wanted to wear and went off to breakfast minus coat and baggage and he had also co-operated all day and they were now starting his assessment as to his needs for future care.

@jaymor , I can imagine this happening with my Dad. Hopefully it won’t be months. I’m going to wait a while before I try and visit from a distance because he is such a determined character I think it won’t help matters at the moment.

 

[Metalpetal]

@Hayley jane my heart goes out to you. It must be so tough, but from the little I know (I’m fast becoming more knowledgeable!) it does sound as though it was the right decision. The fact you’re so upset is a sign of what a wonderful daughter you are - so although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, it’s a good thing.

I suspect we have this in our future with mum - we’re going to get her home and see how it goes but even the hospital are starting to say they’re not so sure! And I’ve had a little glimpse into what you’re going through with your dad, as every time I FaceTime mum at the hospital at least half our conversation is around her wanting to go home! She tells me a lot of detailed far-fetched ‘stories’ (confabulations?) that are clearly all based around her deep urge to be at home. Whereas I know for a fact the hospital have made it very clear to her that she’s going to be there for a Fair while yet. It’s upsetting to see our parents so keen to be home rather than where they are, but I hope your dad will settle soon. And like someone above said, the staff will be very used to dealing with this type of thing I’m sure.

Take care...

 

[Hayley jane]

Update , Dad not settling well at all. Spending time trying to get out of the home whilst everyone else is having dinner. I’m not a bit surprised! He was always determined and nothing has changed in that respect. Unfortunately he accusing people of stealing his walking stick, says there are some awful people in there , thieves ! He hasn’t got a clue where in the world he is but is wanting to go home every day . Apparently he has been aggressive as well . If It carries on he might end up having to go to an EMI unit , I can see it coming. I feel sick every day and my anxiety is taking advantage of me ! @jaymor Im praying for your scenario.

 

[canary]

Its only a week @Hayley jane - it usually takes several weeks for them to settle.
You dont know that he will have to move, but if he does it will be because this present home cannot meet his needs. There is nothing wrong with RMI units - my mum was in one and it was fine.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Hayley jane , sorry to hear about your dad not settling. As @canary said it has only been a week. I had similar worries about my mum. She was forever trying to escape, and managed to get as far as the carpark once. She also managed to get the code for lift by pressing random buttons till he hit the jackpot as well, which meant they had to change all the codes. Last time I saw her she was still talking about going home, and certainly always acts as though I've come to take her away. She does seem more settled now though. That is due partly to her dementia advancing and partly to lorazepam to calm her down. She's been there a year now
Like you I had worries that the home might have asked her to leave, but her behaviour is very similar to several of the other residents and they have strategies and cope. Talk to the manager or a senior carer and see what they think. If your dad does have to move it won't be the end of the world, he'll just be somewhere that will better suit his needs.

 

[annielou]

Sorry to read your dad isn't settling in at the home x Hopefully he will soon, I don't know how long it might take as I've no experience sorry, but it's not been that long yet so he still might settle. Although it must feel like a long time to you and your family as every day feels like at least a week when you're worrying doesn't it. I have no experience of a parent going into home so probably shouldn't be replying but I just wanted to say please don't feel guilty, you and your family have been very brave finding help for your dad. I hope he will settle soon
You said your dad was packing up and trying to leave and asking to go home when he was at home, so that behaviour is no different now he's in the home, so it's nothing to do with the care home environment not suiting him and it's not your fault for taking him to a place he doesn't know (care home) either as he didn't always know his real home when he was there. I've read on the forum many times that people aren't wanting to go home to their real home when they say that, but are looking for a place they feel safe as they are confused and can't work out what is happening and assume that they will feel better when they get home. This can't be home because they are still confused. Sometimes we can calm our loved ones down and help them feel safe for a while, but we can't always find a way that works at the right time every time. Its too much for us to on our own, it's made harder when they don't recognise us properly, and when looking after them without a break and we are tired . In a home there are more people who get regular breaks to help to try settle your dad and he is less likely to be able to get out too. So although he may not feel safer himself yet, he is safer there. I'm sure you told the staff what was happening before he went in and so they will be prepared for him asking and trying to leave and if it isn't and he needs a little more help and attention to feel safe then staff in an EMI unit may be better for that.
We went to look round a home with EMI floor a while ago as mums SW said if she had respite she would be better in EMI unit as mum was resistant to help and would probably try to leave. I didn't notice much difference in the floors apart from they had photos and names on bedroom doors rather than just names and the EMI residents had more attention from staff. In that home it was mixed and the staff member showing us round said residents did mix together a lot.
I hope my reply isn't out of turn x I think guilt is ever present as a child of someone affected by dementia but you and your family have done a brave thing trying to get your dad help he requires and that isn't something to feel guilty about. Sending a virtual hug ? for you and your family, including your dad and I hope he settles in and feels better soon.