Hi everyone, this is the first time I’ve been here. Firstly, I want to say I feel such empathy for everyone of you here.
I’ve been my mums full time carer for several years. I’ve watched as she’s slipped away from me, it’s like a constant cycle of bereavement. My sister would come and take mum out for a few hours 2-3 times a week and more recently she’s helped a bit more.
In the past few months she’s gone down hill swiftly, the dysphasia has become much worse, she becomes very restless and agitated at certain times, up and down at night, not knowing her surroundings etc.
Anyway, about 4 weeks ago it reached crisis point, I was exhausted because you can never have a proper sleep, it’s just dozing on and off, I was continually stressed and the only focus of my existence was looking after mum, one day her agitation was just so bad, she kept asking for my sister and trying to get out of the house and I couldn’t get her to calm down at all, and this sort of thing has been going on for several months at this point, this time it was so bad I had to get my sister to leave work early and come straight away, at this point mum’s crying as was I, usually I can stop myself but not this time.
A place came up in a care home much sooner than expected, we thought it would be about 4 months but they phoned and said they had a place available and she could move in on 30 December.
So she’s there now and I feel absolutely lost, I can’t bear the thought of her being frightened and wondering where me or my sister is. Just her being there and not with me that loves her and it doesn’t matter that logically I know it’s best for her. I thought I knew grief as I’ve had to face the person she was steadily disappear (it’s a strange thing, grieving for someone even as they stand in front of you) and I knew this would be hard but I had no idea it would be as bad as this. My sister and brother have gone in to see her every day and at the moment I can’t do it, the thought of going there is horrifying to me, thank god she’s not asking for me, she’s just been asking my brother and sister if I’m okay and they’ve said I’m fine and she’s happy with that.
My brother and sister don’t understand why I’m in such a state, I know it’s hard for them but they didn’t care for her 24/7 to the exclusion of everything else, they have families of their own. I’m just here now trying to remember the point of my life before mum.
I feel surrounded by pain and I can’t control it, I wish I could control it but I can’t, every time I get a grip of myself another wave of it will come over me. I know they are thinking I need to get a grip and if they can deal with it so should I but they aren’t feeling all the emotions that you have having cared for a loved one and finally having to let them go. My brother told me to “get my **** together” yesterday and when I tried to explain why I was in this state, I was told that I think everything’s about me. They just can’t imagine what it’s been like, they still had lives and their families while I did nothing but care for mum.
I could go on and on but this post is far too long already.
If anyone else is/has experienced similar I’d love to hear from you and obviously anyone else please do comment. I think I just want to know that my reaction is normal and that I’m not alone.
I’ve been my mums full time carer for several years. I’ve watched as she’s slipped away from me, it’s like a constant cycle of bereavement. My sister would come and take mum out for a few hours 2-3 times a week and more recently she’s helped a bit more.
In the past few months she’s gone down hill swiftly, the dysphasia has become much worse, she becomes very restless and agitated at certain times, up and down at night, not knowing her surroundings etc.
Anyway, about 4 weeks ago it reached crisis point, I was exhausted because you can never have a proper sleep, it’s just dozing on and off, I was continually stressed and the only focus of my existence was looking after mum, one day her agitation was just so bad, she kept asking for my sister and trying to get out of the house and I couldn’t get her to calm down at all, and this sort of thing has been going on for several months at this point, this time it was so bad I had to get my sister to leave work early and come straight away, at this point mum’s crying as was I, usually I can stop myself but not this time.
A place came up in a care home much sooner than expected, we thought it would be about 4 months but they phoned and said they had a place available and she could move in on 30 December.
So she’s there now and I feel absolutely lost, I can’t bear the thought of her being frightened and wondering where me or my sister is. Just her being there and not with me that loves her and it doesn’t matter that logically I know it’s best for her. I thought I knew grief as I’ve had to face the person she was steadily disappear (it’s a strange thing, grieving for someone even as they stand in front of you) and I knew this would be hard but I had no idea it would be as bad as this. My sister and brother have gone in to see her every day and at the moment I can’t do it, the thought of going there is horrifying to me, thank god she’s not asking for me, she’s just been asking my brother and sister if I’m okay and they’ve said I’m fine and she’s happy with that.
My brother and sister don’t understand why I’m in such a state, I know it’s hard for them but they didn’t care for her 24/7 to the exclusion of everything else, they have families of their own. I’m just here now trying to remember the point of my life before mum.
I feel surrounded by pain and I can’t control it, I wish I could control it but I can’t, every time I get a grip of myself another wave of it will come over me. I know they are thinking I need to get a grip and if they can deal with it so should I but they aren’t feeling all the emotions that you have having cared for a loved one and finally having to let them go. My brother told me to “get my **** together” yesterday and when I tried to explain why I was in this state, I was told that I think everything’s about me. They just can’t imagine what it’s been like, they still had lives and their families while I did nothing but care for mum.
I could go on and on but this post is far too long already.
If anyone else is/has experienced similar I’d love to hear from you and obviously anyone else please do comment. I think I just want to know that my reaction is normal and that I’m not alone.
