Longing to be free.

[Violetrose]

How do you cope with the ambiguity of loving someone but longing to be free of them. I do not want my husband to die, but I long to be free of the burden of his care. So many mixed and confusing emotions. Does anyone have any suggestions about managing the conflicting feelings?

 

[AliceA]

How do you cope with the ambiguity of loving someone but longing to be free of them. I do not want my husband to die, but I long to be free of the burden of his care. So many mixed and confusing emotions. Does anyone have any suggestions about managing the conflicting feelings?

Mixed emotions are difficult to handle. We get confused when stressed, I find sometimes that we have to find a way of dealing with it before it deals with us. That is having a complete burn out. Be kind to yourself.
We all care at different levels. Some find letting others do the caring and and just getting back to being a caring wife and advocate works. Some find the control of home care is best.
Some write a pros and cons list to define what is going to work best.
Defining what freedom means to you may help because freedom means different thing to different people.
Every situation is different, can you afford more outside care? What small things could ease your burden.
What do you - can you do to self care. To day is bright and sunny, seeing others free to walk past can be a challenge.

 

[kindred]

How do you cope with the ambiguity of loving someone but longing to be free of them. I do not want my husband to die, but I long to be free of the burden of his care. So many mixed and confusing emotions. Does anyone have any suggestions about managing the conflicting feelings?

Violet, thank you so much for your honesty. Many times I remember wanting my husband to die because caring had become minute by minute torture and I could see no end to it apart from the death of one of us. Too much is asked of us. Our minds become overburdened. Of course you long to be free of the burden of his care, of course you love him. This kind of mixed emotion is normal in a situation like this. With all sympathy, Kindred aka geraldinexx

 

[Duggies-girl]

How do you cope with the ambiguity of loving someone but longing to be free of them. I do not want my husband to die, but I long to be free of the burden of his care. So many mixed and confusing emotions. Does anyone have any suggestions about managing the conflicting feelings?

I don't know. I care for my dad who I love very much but I want my freedom back more than anything. Dad has cancer so it will happen someday. Thing is dad is looking better than ever and that is all my doing. It is so hard because I am taking real good care of him because I know that his time is limited but lately I feel that I have taken such good care of him that he may outlive me.

You must take care of yourself as well or you could end up suffering ill health. I took a break three weeks ago after looking after dad full time over a few traumatic days (he needed another stent for his oesophagus) I went away and on day two started to feel a bit rough, on the third day I was completely wiped out with flu and I am still recovering. I have never been so ill in my life.

I have had a good hard look at my self and now I realise that I was emotionally and physically at rock bottom and now have given up all thoughts of getting away as I feel it did me more harm than good. I will just keep on caring for dad but at the same time I am going to start caring for myself a bit more.

I can't help with the conflicting emotions but as much as I love dad and however well I look after him I want it over with. I hope he just goes to sleep one night and does not wake up in the morning. I think these emotions are probably very normal and we just have to accept how we feel and if the time comes when we cannot cope with them then maybe it is time to let someone else do the caring.

I really don't want the responsibility of looking after someone ever again, not even an animal or so much as a flipping pot plant. I just don't want to do it.

 

[kindred]

I don't know. I care for my dad who I love very much but I want my freedom back more than anything. Dad has cancer so it will happen someday. Thing is dad is looking better than ever and that is all my doing. It is so hard because I am taking real good care of him because I know that his time is limited but lately I feel that I have taken such good care of him that he may outlive me.

You must take care of yourself as well or you could end up suffering ill health. I took a break three weeks ago after looking after dad full time over a few traumatic days (he needed another stent for his oesophagus) I went away and on day two started to feel a bit rough, on the third day I was completely wiped out with flu and I am still recovering. I have never been so ill in my life.

I have had a good hard look at my self and now I realise that I was emotionally and physically at rock bottom and now have given up all thoughts of getting away as I feel it did me more harm than good. I will just keep on caring for dad but at the same time I am going to start caring for myself a bit more.

I can't help with the conflicting emotions but as much as I love dad and however well I look after him I want it over with. I hope he just goes to sleep one night and does not wake up in the morning. I think these emotions are probably very normal and we just have to accept how we feel and if the time comes when we cannot cope with them then maybe it is time to let someone else do the caring.

I really don't want the responsibility of looking after someone ever again, not even an animal or so much as a flipping pot plant. I just don't want to do it.

sweetheart, your last anguished cry about responsibility, I know, I feel the same. Completely. Geraldineaka kindred xx

 

[Guzelle]

I understand how you all feel, my OH can be horrible to me and accuse me of not caring for him and just living my own life. It’s so hurtful when I have given up my part time job which I enjoyed and go out rarely on my own as he doesn’t want to be left alone! We have had a tough few weeks with aggressive behaviour and CPN suggesting risperdone but the last 3 days he has been calmer and nicer! His mood swings are baffling. I cannot predict what makes him nasty and agitated or why he then becomes nicer!

I do wonder how long it can go on for because it must e 5 years of these terrible mood swings I have endured It seem to never end just getting worse all the time!

 

[Guzelle]

Duggies girl made me laugh not wanting to look after a pot plant! I also feel like that. Ihave 2 cats why I don’t know as if I haven’t got enough to look after!

 

[VerityH]

I don't know. I care for my dad who I love very much but I want my freedom back more than anything. Dad has cancer so it will happen someday. Thing is dad is looking better than ever and that is all my doing. It is so hard because I am taking real good care of him because I know that his time is limited but lately I feel that I have taken such good care of him that he may outlive me.

You must take care of yourself as well or you could end up suffering ill health. I took a break three weeks ago after looking after dad full time over a few traumatic days (he needed another stent for his oesophagus) I went away and on day two started to feel a bit rough, on the third day I was completely wiped out with flu and I am still recovering. I have never been so ill in my life.

I have had a good hard look at my self and now I realise that I was emotionally and physically at rock bottom and now have given up all thoughts of getting away as I feel it did me more harm than good. I will just keep on caring for dad but at the same time I am going to start caring for myself a bit more.

I can't help with the conflicting emotions but as much as I love dad and however well I look after him I want it over with. I hope he just goes to sleep one night and does not wake up in the morning. I think these emotions are probably very normal and we just have to accept how we feel and if the time comes when we cannot cope with them then maybe it is time to let someone else do the caring.

I really don't want the responsibility of looking after someone ever again, not even an animal or so much as a flipping pot plant. I just don't want to do it.

I totally get it. Dealing with both parents with dementia, even though I'm not living with them, is exhausting (more so for my poor sister, who lives within 5 mins of them so gets the calls). At the moment we have dad in hospital and paramedics out to mum in her carehome again yesterday. There is no down time, no time to switch off, book something for oneself in case the phone rings ….. We all love our parents/partners with dementia but we are only human, and to wish they would just float quietly out of their bodies and into heaven or whatever's next just feels kinder to them and would release us from the burden of 24/7 care and worry. I don't think anyone on this forum would be harshly judging anyone with these feelings. Much love to all feeling this way.

 

[Rosie4u]

Thank you for starting this thread.
I keep trying to create more free time for me but I find I don’t enjoy what I’m doing because I miss my other half.
I don’t want caring for him to make me a horrible and bitter person and it’s a strain keeping going.
But I don’t know what I will do without him but I agree I never want to be responsible 24/7 for another human being, cat or dog or anything and also I don’t want anyone to be responsible for me !!

 

[chippiebites]

This is why this forum is so useful. You can say what you think to others that understand. Someone said to me, don't worry your husband could last for years!!!! How is that a comfort to either of us. So I totally understand wanting to be free. However I'm always going to have a dog, to care for, some days they are the only ones that get me through.

 

[VerityH]

Thank you for starting this thread.
I keep trying to create more free time for me but I find I don’t enjoy what I’m doing because I miss my other half.
I don’t want caring for him to make me a horrible and bitter person and it’s a strain keeping going.
But I don’t know what I will do without him but I agree I never want to be responsible 24/7 for another human being, cat or dog or anything and also I don’t want anyone to be responsible for me !!

Agree. I have one son, and do NOT want him to have to go through all of this.

 

[dancer12]

How do you cope with the ambiguity of loving someone but longing to be free of them. I do not want my husband to die, but I long to be free of the burden of his care. So many mixed and confusing emotions. Does anyone have any suggestions about managing the conflicting feelings?

Hi Violetrose:

Would he agree to maybe going to an adult day care centre, mine didn't like it .He could socialize & you could have some free time for yourself. WIN/WIN. Here they give caregivers an amount of caregiver hours to go out by yourself and re-group. It does wonders. Last week I took 4 hours to go to my support group, was totally refreshed. I came back & 5 minutes with my husband I needed more. But any time on your own DOES HELP. You might need to hire someone for your own sanity. Any free time is a bonus. Many hugs & best wishes.

 

[Sad Staffs]

My cousin lost her husband 2 years ago. She has and still is devastated. She thinks I’m lucky to still have my husband, even though she knows some of what it’s like for me. I don’t think she will ever move on with her life as her husband was her world.

But she has freedom, she goes out when she wants to, she potters in the garden, she came to see me this morning with no time restrictions, she makes decisions about her life, she doesn’t have someone screaming at her, being difficult, dealing with incontinence hourly, I could go on and on.

I have no life of my own. I can’t leave him on his own for more than a couple of hours, so I don’t bother.... what can you do in that time when you have to get there and back?

I don’t hate my husband, I don’t always like him, I don’t wish him dead, and I still love the man that I married.

But I want my own life before I’m too old and worn out to have any life left.
I sometimes think the only way out is for us both to die. I’m sure most of you will think I should be ashamed for such thoughts. In truth, I can’t believe I have said that, but I think it, all the time I think it. If I can’t be honest here, where can I be.

I feel our lives have little or no value. So what is the point?
It’s one day after the other, rarely different, always difficult, arguments, shouting, aggression. He fights me mentally all the time. It’s wearing me out. It’s not doing him any good either.

 

[Violetrose]

Mixed emotions are difficult to handle. We get confused when stressed, I find sometimes that we have to find a way of dealing with it before it deals with us. That is having a complete burn out. Be kind to yourself.
We all care at different levels. Some find letting others do the caring and and just getting back to being a caring wife and advocate works. Some find the control of home care is best.
Some write a pros and cons list to define what is going to work best.
Defining what freedom means to you may help because freedom means different thing to different people.
Every situation is different, can you afford more outside care? What small things could ease your burden.
What do you - can you do to self care. To day is bright and sunny, seeing others free to walk past can be a challenge.

Dear Alice, thank you for your wise words, kindness and understanding. I will take time to do as you suggest with a pro s and cons list and really defining what freedom means for me. Hopefully then I will see a way forward. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

[maryjoan]

When he falls asleep for a while, I look to see if his chest is still rising and falling - I sometimes wish it wouldn't. But I do love him - I just don't like what he is becoming because I do not understand it all not matter how hard I try - or maybe I understand it all too much, ,,,,,,,

 

[mickeyplum]

My cousin lost her husband 2 years ago. She has and still is devastated. She thinks I’m lucky to still have my husband, even though she knows some of what it’s like for me. I don’t think she will ever move on with her life as her husband was her world.

But she has freedom, she goes out when she wants to, she potters in the garden, she came to see me this morning with no time restrictions, she makes decisions about her life, she doesn’t have someone screaming at her, being difficult, dealing with incontinence hourly, I could go on and on.

I have no life of my own. I can’t leave him on his own for more than a couple of hours, so I don’t bother.... what can you do in that time when you have to get there and back?

I don’t hate my husband, I don’t always like him, I don’t wish him dead, and I still love the man that I married.

But I want my own life before I’m too old and worn out to have any life left.
I sometimes think the only way out is for us both to die. I’m sure most of you will think I should be ashamed for such thoughts. In truth, I can’t believe I have said that, but I think it, all the time I think it. If I can’t be honest here, where can I be.

I feel our lives have little or no value. So what is the point?
It’s one day after the other, rarely different, always difficult, arguments, shouting, aggression. He fights me mentally all the time. It’s wearing me out. It’s not doing him any good either.

My cousin lost her husband 2 years ago. She has and still is devastated. She thinks I’m lucky to still have my husband, even though she knows some of what it’s like for me. I don’t think she will ever move on with her life as her husband was her world.

But she has freedom, she goes out when she wants to, she potters in the garden, she came to see me this morning with no time restrictions, she makes decisions about her life, she doesn’t have someone screaming at her, being difficult, dealing with incontinence hourly, I could go on and on.

I have no life of my own. I can’t leave him on his own for more than a couple of hours, so I don’t bother.... what can you do in that time when you have to get there and back?

I don’t hate my husband, I don’t always like him, I don’t wish him dead, and I still love the man that I married.

But I want my own life before I’m too old and worn out to have any life left.
I sometimes think the only way out is for us both to die. I’m sure most of you will think I should be ashamed for such thoughts. In truth, I can’t believe I have said that, but I think it, all the time I think it. If I can’t be honest here, where can I be.

I feel our lives have little or no value. So what is the point?
It’s one day after the other, rarely different, always difficult, arguments, shouting, aggression. He fights me mentally all the time. It’s wearing me out. It’s not doing him any good either.

 

[mickeyplum]

Don't ever feel ashamed of your feelings of wishing you were both gone from this world. We all share them. My husband is 90 and it's like being married to a toy-boy. He's as fit as a fiddle, apart from his brain and is wanting me to take him out for a glass of wine every day. He has no interest in anywhere else except pubs, so he sits with his wine and I sit bored to tears with a cup of tea cos I'm driving and not too steady on my feet at the best of times, due to a stroke some years ago.

Sometimes I dig my heels and say no, we're not going out and point out that he forgets how old I am and am not well. His answer? Well, he's older than me, isn't he? Yes, but he's not driving on busy roads and queuing up at a bar for our drinks and tottering back to our table with them..
He's not too far down the line yet but I dread what's to come. My family tell me I'm doing such a good job holding everything together. Little do they know how often I'm in tears when they've left.
I suppose all we can do is try and remember our lives are precious and take care of ourselves as best as we can.
Nothing shared on Tipping Point is ever anything to be ashamed of. Nobody is judging anybody.

 

[longlostfan]

e most of you will think I should be ashamed for such thoughts. In truth, I can’t believe I have said that, but I think it, all the tim

No, I don’t think you should be ashamed at all, I absolutely understand it and feel the same way myself. Thank you so much for starting this thread - there’s such a lot that I feel I can’t say to those around me, and it’s a relief to know that others have the same feelings as I do, and respect to you for voicing them xxx

 

[Jean1234]

When I read all the above posts I can recall the despair I felt for the last couple of years and how sometimes I wished it was all over for both of us. Sometimes wishing it were me that went to bed and didn’t wake up. Then I would get into a state worrying who would look after my OH. Now when I look back I realise how I was spinning towards Carers breakdown. OH as some of you know, is now in a very good care home and although I miss him dreadfully, I don’t miss the stress and the never ending caring. I am in a fortunate position now that I can be a loving caring wife looking out for his interests with out the grinding sole destroying 24/7 caring that was nearly the end of me. My heart goes out to you all that are still coping single handedly With the care of your loved ones.

 

[Sad Staffs]

When I read all the above posts I can recall the despair I felt for the last couple of years and how sometimes I wished it was all over for both of us. Sometimes wishing it were me that went to bed and didn’t wake up. Then I would get into a state worrying who would look after my OH. Now when I look back I realise how I was spinning towards Carers breakdown. OH as some of you know, is now in a very good care home and although I miss him dreadfully, I don’t miss the stress and the never ending caring. I am in a fortunate position now that I can be a loving caring wife looking out for his interests with out the grinding sole destroying 24/7 caring that was nearly the end of me. My heart goes out to you all that are still coping single handedly With the care of your loved ones.

I’m so pleased for you that you are now in a better place. Thank you for your kind thoughts.... I know that ultimately this will happen to us. But it’s not knowing how long. I read on TP that some have been diagnosed for many years. That frightens me. I don’t think I can do what I do now for years to come.
It’s the not knowing.
My young friend had cancer, she had a lot of different treatments, sadly she died at 50. But for all that time, from diagnosis, there was treatment and a belief that she would be in remission. They were able to feel positive that there would be a future. I should add that I miss her so much.

But with dementia, especially as they can’t medicate my husband, there is no positive future. I have said it so many times but today is better than tomorrow, tomorrow is better than next week. As it stands now, life is never going to get better than it is today.
I’m so sorry that this post is so depressing, but it’s me being honest with myself. I’m grateful to you and TP for allowing the opportunity to say what I feel. I can’t do this with anyone else... xx