Upset

[Blodski]

Hello
My mum has Mixed Dementia and went into care about 6 weeks ago when my dad was unable to look after her any more.

I went to see her on Thursday and she seemed in quite good spirits. She had had her hair done and was even wearing a bit of lipstick. However, every time I visit, I leave feeling utterly broken, regardless of how she is. I cry all the way home, and I've been crying non stop for 48 hours - I fell really unwell. I know logically that she is in the best place and she is having good food and visits most days from her friends, but the family dynamic has fundamentally shifted and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. My brother lives 5 hours away in South Wales, and my Dad is on his own in the bungalow, and I'm one hour away from my Dad. I feel as though the foundations have been taken away from me and I no longer have the security of "home", because my Mum signified "home" more than anything else. I live on my own, and find going back to an empty house really hard. All I can think about is my Mum in the care home, and my Dad on his own in the bungalow. It feels so unnatural and it dominates my thoughts from dusk til dawn.

Any words of advice/encouragement would be gratefully received on how I can manage this better and not be consumed with it.

 

[Jezzer]

Hello
My mum has Mixed Dementia and went into care about 6 weeks ago when my dad was unable to look after her any more.

I went to see her on Thursday and she seemed in quite good spirits. She had had her hair done and was even wearing a bit of lipstick. However, every time I visit, I leave feeling utterly broken, regardless of how she is. I cry all the way home, and I've been crying non stop for 48 hours - I fell really unwell. I know logically that she is in the best place and she is having good food and visits most days from her friends, but the family dynamic has fundamentally shifted and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. My brother lives 5 hours away in South Wales, and my Dad is on his own in the bungalow, and I'm one hour away from my Dad. I feel as though the foundations have been taken away from me and I no longer have the security of "home", because my Mum signified "home" more than anything else. I live on my own, and find going back to an empty house really hard. All I can think about is my Mum in the care home, and my Dad on his own in the bungalow. It feels so unnatural and it dominates my thoughts from dusk til dawn.

Any words of advice/encouragement would be gratefully received on how I can manage this better and not be consumed with it.

Dear @Blodski
I would imagine you feel as if the rug has been pulled from under you right now. When my mum went into a nursing home just over 2 years ago (initially for respite) she settled immediately and when it was agreed her placement should be permanent, she was happy with the decision. I knew it was the best thing but I fell to pieces - endless tears, overwhelming anxiety, depression, guilt and, yes, I felt so ill. I was living on my own at the time and mum was all I could think of.
Your mum's admission into care is a massive adjustment for you all and will take time to come to terms with but in time you will feel better. This forum has been my salvation and I urge you to keep posting. You will, I'm sure, receive further replies and much more helpful than mine! You really are not on your own with this I promise you. Please be kind to yourself. Your mum is safe and receiving the care she needs. Your dad will feel strange but he too will adjust to this huge change in his life. There is support available for him too. Please explore the forum. You will receive so much help here from people who truly understand what you are going through because they are going through what you are experiencing or have done. Sending you love and hoping you will find TP as wonderful as I do. There are some pretty amazing folk here! Take care Jan x

 

[Blodski]

Dear @Blodski
I would imagine you feel as if the rug has been pulled from under you right now. When my mum went into a nursing home just over 2 years ago (initially for respite) she settled immediately and when it was agreed her placement should be permanent, she was happy with the decision. I knew it was the best thing but I fell to pieces - endless tears, overwhelming anxiety, depression, guilt and, yes, I felt so ill. I was living on my own at the time and mum was all I could think of.
Your mum's admission into care is a massive adjustment for you all and will take time to come to terms with but in time you will feel better. This forum has been my salvation and I urge you to keep posting. You will, I'm sure, receive further replies and much more helpful than mine! You really are not on your own with this I promise you. Please be kind to yourself. Your mum is safe and receiving the care she needs. Your dad will feel strange but he too will adjust to this huge change in his life. There is support available for him too. Please explore the forum. You will receive so much help here from people who truly understand what you are going through because they are going through what you are experiencing or have done. Sending you love and hoping you will find TP as wonderful as I do. There are some pretty amazing folk here! Take care Jan x

Thank you - good to know I'm not the only one! When something like this happens, it's very exposing in that it forces you to examine your own life and history. How did you cope with all the difficult feelings? At the moment, I feel all consumed by it and don't see how it can get any better. x

 

[canary]

((((((((hugs))))))))), you are grieving.
Your mum is still here and yet she is not. It is called anticipatory grief.
Be gentle on yourself, it will take a while to adjust, but there will be times when you can still see your mum there in a smile, or a phrase and they will be like precious jewels.

 

[Jezzer]

Thank you - good to know I'm not the only one! When something like this happens, it's very exposing in that it forces you to examine your own life and history. How did you cope with all the difficult feelings? At the moment, I feel all consumed by it and don't see how it can get any better. x

Well, I had some counselling initially so at least got things off my chest but, honestly, it didn't help long term. TP has helped me more than any professional/medical treatment. (Mum has mixed dementia too by the way). There are Dementia Cafes where you can meet other family members but this wasn't for me. I'm quite a private person. I too felt all consumed and thought I was going crazy. I never believed I would feel better but I did over time I have a good relationship with the Home staff and they are hugely supportive. I am a worrier by nature which doesn't help!!! I still have bad days but I turn to my friends here. There is no judgement, just huge support and understanding. x

 

[father ted]

Blodski, your post is heartfelt and I do so understand what you have said.

How you manage those feelings? I am not sure but when you have mastered it let us all know. It is of little comfort to how you feel but the fact that your Mum has been so accepting and settled is good. How much desperate would you feel if she hated it?
I posted on another post that I feel guilty everyday for putting Mum in a home but like your Mum, she is not unhappy and chats to other residents, eats and drinks regularly and has someone there 24/7.

Even as adults we can sometimes feel like abandoned children esp when as we and our parents age everything that was once familiar changes and the safety net that our parents provided is gone and we are taking responsibility for them. With time it will improve, I promise.

 

[Blodski]

Well, I had some counselling initially so at least got things off my chest but, honestly, it didn't help long term. TP has helped me more than any professional/medical treatment. (Mum has mixed dementia too by the way). There are Dementia Cafes where you can meet other family members but this wasn't for me. I'm quite a private person. I too felt all consumed and thought I was going crazy. I never believed I would feel better but I did over time I have a good relationship with the Home staff and they are hugely supportive. I am a worrier by nature which doesn't help!!! I still have bad days but I turn to my friends here. There is no judgement, just huge support and understanding. x

I'm on the waiting list for talking therapies, but the waiting list is endless and I've already been waiting for some months, so I've more or less given up on that. I would probably end up crying for the whole session anyway. I'm very private, too, and would also find Dementia Cafes a bit challenging. I am also a worrier, and agree that it compounds the issue. When I visited her on Thursday I took a picture on my phone because she was looking so well. It's very painful looking at it, but I hope it will give me some strength. I've printed it of too.

I feel as though I am living the Dementia alongside her. It's very strange, like a parallel universe. x

 

[Jezzer]

I'm on the waiting list for talking therapies, but the waiting list is endless and I've already been waiting for some months, so I've more or less given up on that. I would probably end up crying for the whole session anyway. I'm very private, too, and would also find Dementia Cafes a bit challenging. I am also a worrier, and agree that it compounds the issue. When I visited her on Thursday I took a picture on my phone because she was looking so well. It's very painful looking at it, but I hope it will give me some strength. I've printed it of too.

I feel as though I am living the Dementia alongside her. It's very strange, like a parallel universe. x

 

[Blodski]

Blodski, your post is heartfelt and I do so understand what you have said.

How you manage those feelings? I am not sure but when you have mastered it let us all know. It is of little comfort to how you feel but the fact that your Mum has been so accepting and settled is good. How much desperate would you feel if she hated it?
I posted on another post that I feel guilty everyday for putting Mum in a home but like your Mum, she is not unhappy and chats to other residents, eats and drinks regularly and has someone there 24/7.

Even as adults we can sometimes feel like abandoned children esp when as we and our parents age everything that was once familiar changes and the safety net that our parents provided is gone and we are taking responsibility for them. With time it will improve, I promise.

Thanks. Yes, that's exactly how I feel - abandoned. I'm not married and I don't have children, so my sense of "family" is shattered. You're right - the safety net is gone, and now I have to be the adult. x

 

[Jezzer]

Oh yes, those damned waiting lists! Believe me, I sobbed my way through several sessions. Yes you will feel like you are living this with your mum. Dementia totally changes our lives, it becomes the new "normal". I am so very close to my mum; are you the same? There is a very special bond between mother and daughter.

 

[Blodski]

Oh yes, those damned waiting lists! Believe me, I sobbed my way through several sessions. Yes you will feel like you are living this with your mum. Dementia totally changes our lives, it becomes the new "normal". I am so very close to my mum; are you the same? There is a very special bond between mother and daughter.

Yes, very close, and I'm the person she asks for the most. This is both a pressure and a compliment. I wish I could scoop her up and look after her, but I can't. She used to phone me every night, and I miss that now. Just the sound of her voice. A constant thread which is no longer there. It's like an iceberg that is slowly being chipped away, piece by piece. x

 

[Jezzer]

Thanks. Yes, that's exactly how I feel - abandoned. I'm not married and I don't have children, so my sense of "family" is shattered. You're right - the safety net is gone, and now I have to be the adult. x

Yes, exactly. I lost my beloved dad when I was 9 but mum had always been there. Mum's illness is very advanced now sadly. I have my own thread "Approaching the end with mum - Every day is different" but since your mum is not at this stage, it might be helpful to look at another Thread - "Dealing with Mum's Dementia - difficult feelings". x

 

[Blodski]

Yes, exactly. I lost my beloved dad when I was 9 but mum had always been there. Mum's illness is very advanced now sadly. I have my own thread "Approaching the end with mum - Every day is different" but since your mum is not at this stage, it might be helpful to look at another Thread - "Dealing with Mum's Dementia - difficult feelings". x

Thanks - I've just been reading some of your previous posts. So sorry about your mum, it must be so incredibly difficult and painful. If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been from initial diagnosis? My Mum has Vascular Dementia plus Alzheimer's, and was only diagnosed a few months ago, but it had been there for at least 2 or 3 years prior to that. x

 

[Jezzer]

Thanks - I've just been reading some of your previous posts. So sorry about your mum, it must be so incredibly difficult and painful. If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been from initial diagnosis? My Mum has Vascular Dementia plus Alzheimer's, and was only diagnosed a few months ago, but it had been there for at least 2 or 3 years prior to that. x

Yes mum has Vascular Dementia & Alzheimers. She was officially diagnosed in 2016 after a brain scan but looking back, it started in 2013/14 I believe. Xx

 

[Blodski]

Yes mum has Vascular Dementia & Alzheimers. She was officially diagnosed in 2016 after a brain scan but looking back, it started in 2013/14 I believe. Xx

Sounds very familiar. I believe my mother's illness accelerated upon the death of her own mother who was 100. She died in 2014. I've read that VD progresses much quicker than AZ - do you think that's correct?

 

[Blodski]

Blodski, your post is heartfelt and I do so understand what you have said.

How you manage those feelings? I am not sure but when you have mastered it let us all know. It is of little comfort to how you feel but the fact that your Mum has been so accepting and settled is good. How much desperate would you feel if she hated it?
I posted on another post that I feel guilty everyday for putting Mum in a home but like your Mum, she is not unhappy and chats to other residents, eats and drinks regularly and has someone there 24/7.

Even as adults we can sometimes feel like abandoned children esp when as we and our parents age everything that was once familiar changes and the safety net that our parents provided is gone and we are taking responsibility for them. With time it will improve, I promise.

I know what you mean about the guilt. My mum has good and bad days. On good days she seems quite content, helping with the laundry and seeing visitors. On bad days she is very upset, crying and begging us to take her "home". That is very difficult to deal with and it feels so cruel to walk away. It's very difficult to tell how much she understands of where she is and what is happening, but I suppose that's something we'll never know. It's so unpredictable - one of the hardest things to cope with I think. x

 

[Amethyst59]

My husband has vascular dementia, his brother has Altzheimer’s. I think Altzheimer’s shows a more steady downward trend, where vascular dementia goes in steps. There is a period of stability and then a downward step.

 

[Blodski]

My husband has vascular dementia, his brother has Altzheimer’s. I think Altzheimer’s shows a more steady downward trend, where vascular dementia goes in steps. There is a period of stability and then a downward step.

Yes, that seems to make sense. Thank you. x

 

[Jezzer]

Sounds very familiar. I believe my mother's illness accelerated upon the death of her own mother who was 100. She died in 2014. I've read that VD progresses much quicker than AZ - do you think that's correct?

I honestly don't know I'm afraid. Mum's sister died of VD about a year before mum began to show signs that all was not right. I couldn't believe it. I was very involved with my Aunt's care as her daughter washed her hands of her. I didn't have the emotional attachment but with mum it knocked me for six.

 

[Jezzer]

@Blodski Good morning. I hope the various messages from everyone helped a little yesterday. I was just re-reading my last message and what I meant to say was I didn't have the emotional to my aunt. She was quite a cold lady to be honest. So different from my loving mum. Take care xx